Ghosts of New Year's Eves Past

It's that time of year again.    Every third conversation in the next few days will be about New Year's Eve: "what are you doing" -or-  "what did you do?"    I often feel compelled to have a response that is at least a little bit interesting and I usually do.  I've had lots of fun New Year's Eve celebrations, but those are not what this posting is about today.  This post is about those New Year's Eve celebrations that were, uh, weird. 

• A couple of years ago, I went to Dubai for New Year's Eve.  Dubai is known for having one of the world's most spectacular New Year's Eve celebrations with fun-filled festivities and amazing fireworks displays.  My friend, Heather, had recently moved there and I thought it would be very cool to celebrate the New Year with her in her new home in a big way.  It's a long and expensive flight to Dubai from NYC, but it was okay because I was very excited about what was to come.  I couldn't wait to throw myself into all the city had to offer.  I was all aflutter like a little kid. (Pause) In solidarity with some fighting somewhere, Sheik What's-his-name canceled all New Year's Eve celebrations that year. (sigh)

• About 25 years ago, I spent New Year's Eve in my robe on the stairs outside my apartment (but inside the building). I was living in a brownstone in Harlem.  There were three floor-through apartments and I (and my roommate) lived on the second floor.    For a reason that I can no longer remember, I left my apartment --barefoot and in my robe-- to borrow something from one of my neighbors. (Yeah, it was that kind of building. We were all friends).   By instinct, I shut the door behind me.   That was not a good move.   My heart sank, immediately.   I was locked out.  My roommate was away.   The neighbor I was going to borrow from turned out not to be home nor was anybody else in the building.  This was in the days before cellphones.    I was supposed to meet my date at a restaurant that was about mid-way between my house and his.  After a bite to eat, we were going to a big gala at The Puck Building in Soho.  But I was locked out, no shoes, and no clothes.  And I stayed that way until my landlord came home around 2:00a.  The guy that I "stood up" didn't believe my story and never spoke to me again. I didn't really blame him.  I wouldn't have believed me, either.

•  Last year, I wasn't really in the mood for a party.  I wanted something fun but quiet.  I had just started dating a widower who was spending New Year's Eve with his kids, so I decided to spend the evening with my good friend, A.  She had been working like a dog and we hadn't seen each other in awhile so hanging out with her seemed like exactly the kind of evening I was looking for.  I got to her house about 10:30p.  She had cooked a nice dinner and it was fun chowing down, having a few cocktails, and just catching up.   Long story short, I noticed that A had gotten pretty quiet and I was doing all the talking.   Then I heard a soft zzzzz.   It was 11:15p and A was fast asleep.  I mean in a seriously deep sleep that she wasn't budging from.   So there I sat.   At midnight, the Guy called to wish me a Happy New Year, we chatted for a few minutes, and I looked over at A.   She was still out.   I tiptoed out.  I was back home by 12:30a.  I think my doorman felt sorry for me.

• A year or two after I bought my vacation home, I had a lovely New Year's Eve there with my beau and his dog.   Out in the country, a dusting of snow on the ground, a fire burning.  It was sweet.  There's not much of a story here...except that spending the evening with his dog is the reason I now have my dog.

Happy New Year, everybody!!

Photo: Courtesy ajitkumar.org

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Angie's "Ambivalently Spinsterlicious" Shoe-of-the-Week

What does Angie Hancock --marketing executive, entrepreneur, babe-about-town, and good friend-- think of Spinsterlicious-ness?  Not much.  It's not for her. 

 In her own words:

Is it ok not to be “Spinsterlicious”? 

I have a cool life.  I have wonderful family and friends who care about me (check).   I have a job (check), and my own business (www.ExperienceHarlem.com).   I’m healthy (check).  I’ve traveled the world and I get to do some pretty cool stuff (check).  I am incredibly grateful for all of these blessings in my life.   I say "thank you" each morning when I wake, each evening when I go to bed and I pray for the people I see every day who are struggling. 

I am single.  I would rather not be.  I think being Spinsterliscious is fabulous, but can’t it also be ok to want a family?  I just turned 40.  Yikes!  Spanx, hair color and a whole category of anti-aging creams I haven’t wrapped my head around yet have entered my life.  During my 20’s I always had a man and was even engaged once.  Dodged a bullet there.  During my 30’s I moved to NYC, changed careers and launched a company.  Now I find myself back in corporate life.  I was so burned out from my entrepreneurial stint that it took six months to even realize that I had bottomed out.  Add to that I’ve only had one serious relationship in the last 10 years, and that ended in soul-wrenching heartbreak.  I was in a dark place for a long time.  I do not date very much.  It’s not because I do not want to.  I simply do not meet very many men that I connect with.  I feel like Charlotte from Sex and the City when she said, “I’ve been dating for 20 years, I’m exhausted, where is he!”. 

I hate that phrase ‘the clock is ticking’ but the reality is that I do not have forever to have a child and at my age it will be a high risk pregnancy.  I recall as a little kid there were always a couple of kids in class whose parents were older and the other kids would joke, “is that your grandma?”  If I'm lucky, I will be the old parent at school.  I will also fess up that I am scared.  I know strong, independent black women are not supposed to admit that right?  Honestly, I’ve never particularly cared for the title, it just is.   And yes, I realize I can do it alone, adopt, leverage technology, a child needs just one good parent, blah, blah, blah.  Again, I want a family.  To me that means a partner who wants to build a life together that includes children.  I am a product of a single parent household (that explains a lot, right) and while I survived it, it was hard and I do not recommend it.  

A couple of summers ago I was headed to a party with a girlfriend.  It was around 10pm when we left and while that was the ideal time to leave for a party in my ‘20’s, this tired entrepreneur now valued my sleep more.  I had wanted a family for quite some time; that evening was the first time I felt that I would rather be watching my daughter take her first steps than looking for some party.  

I’ve been to my share of fun parties and now I’m truly over it.  I’m ready for something more.  I dated a man with children once and some of my fondest memories were of the time I spent with his kids and his oldest son thanked me for making his favorite dinner.  It brought a tear to my eye when the toddler patted me on the back and told me he loved me.  I enjoyed going to the store buying their Cheerios and apple juice.  I felt like I was taking care of my family.

For the last few years I’ve been asking myself what’s wrong with me.  Certainly the common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me.   I try to be very self aware and recognize I have my opportunity areas and I’m always trying to be better, stronger, pinker, etc. but I think I’m still a pretty cool chick.  A number of my male friends have told me so for years, so I’m going to believe them.  

So, what does all this have to do with shoes?

The story behind these shoes is that a friend told me my problem is that I give off a business and/or golf vibe (um, I thought boys dig girls who play golf) and that I need to “turn up my sexy.”  Ha!   I thought that was pretty hilarious but not to contradict my earlier point, perhaps I could do more to be a little “pinker”.  Also, given the weight of the last few years, I haven’t felt particularly sexy in a long time so my confidence and energy could use a little work.  

My friends decided to make “turning up my sexy” the theme of my 40^th birthday party.  In addition to these shoes, I received some other “turning up my sexy” goodies including pasties, handcuffs and some fabulous lingerie.  I’m going to --as my grandmother told me her mother told her “put your lipstick on even if you’re going to the trash can”  -- put on my high heels and just be ‘liscious until I find someone to use my birthday goodies on.

So, Angie's ready to retire her Spinsterlicious membership, and her new shoes just might help!  What do y'all think?

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What to Give a Spinster for Christmas??

What to give a Spinster for Christmas?   Maybe nothing.   Every year, in the middle of the Christmas season, I'm somewhat amused by the multitudes of Gift Guides I see everywhere --in newspapers, magazines, online, handouts in stores-- designed to help us choose "the perfect" gift for the people on our list.   


I'm always struck by the way these gift guides are categorized.  As if your lifestage is a determinant of what you would want as a gift.  (Lifestage, not personality or interests).  The obvious ones are the What to Give Mom, ...Dad, or ...College Student guides.   According to them, Mom wants robes, lingerie, fluffy slippers, perfume, and jewelry.  The more upscale ones may suggest a Spa Day.   For Dad, there's plaid shirts, cufflinks and gadgets.  And every college student, of course, wants electronics.  I see these kinds of guides every year so I'm assuming they must be popular...and maybe even helpful...though I find the suggestions in these guides to be pretty unimaginative.

I'm intrigued, though, by the number of Holiday Gift Guides I've seen lately "for the Bachelor".   They're usually much more interesting.   They look like someone actually took the time to scout for gifts that are, if not unique, at least pretty creative.   They suggest things that are uncommon and usually not easy to find (and not inexpensive), like high-end small batches of alcohol, cashmere sweaters,  "The Art of Shaving" kits, unusual music collections, even art.   If I didn't know better, I'd think that all Bachelors must be really special people; look at how much more interesting the gift suggestions for them are.

Then it occurred to me that I've never seen a Christmas Gift Guide for me.  No "What to Get the Single Lady in Your Life"  -or- "Christmas Gifts for the Bachelorette" -or- "Holiday Gifts that Every Spinster Wants".   Nada.  Why not?   I like Christmas gifts.   

So I decided to do an online search.   It was worse than I expected.   I didn't really think I'd find much of anything.  What I found,instead, was even more ridiculous.  All the Bachelorette gift suggestions are for Bachelorette Parties (as in pre-wedding), so that at least one of them doesn't have to be a bachelorette anymore.  


So bachelorette is not the way to go.  I kept searching.  Apparently, unmarried women must have one helluva sense of humor because most of the gift suggestions I came across fall into the gag group (mugs, t-shirts, and hats with witty quips) or wacky category (flannel pajamas, Chippendales wall calendars, lots of socks in funny colors).  

What am I to make of this?  If you're a woman who's old enough to be married but isn't,  you don't deserve a proper gift --or gift guide-- during the holidays?   We gotta change that.   Next year, I want to see interesting, creative, respectable gift suggestions for someone like me; hell, I like high-end liquor, too!  C'mon retailers.  I know you can do this!



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Dressing for Air Travel Without Losing Your Mind (Or Getting Arrested)

Unless you’ve been living in a cave lately, you’re probably aware of the uproar around the new screening procedures at U.S. airports.  Thanks to the ever-growing threat of would-be terrorists hiding bombs in their clothing, the TSA continues to intensify security procedures for anybody who wants to get on a plane.

This is the most personal it’s gotten so far:  we now have the choice of being felt up or posing for a semi-pornographic pic.  I exaggerate, but that’s the kind of language used by the people who protest these procedures.  I actually don’t think it’s that bad… but then, I’ve been accused of having mildly exhibitionist tendencies.

So in short, here’s the deal.  Basics: shoes, scarves, jackets, sweaters and other outerwear off.  Sometimes watches and jewelry, but not always, which is annoying—you won’t know if this particular watch will cause a beep at this particular airport until you try it.  (Or you could just take it off.)  The next steps are different at every airport, which I suppose could be a good thing, because it makes it harder for the bad guys to figure out the system.  (I travel a lot and it’s certainly confusing the hell out of me).

Last week I was at O’Hare.  It seemed we had the choice of the regular screening machine or the enhanced one that makes you look almost naked.  I say “choice,” but I don’t really think it was up to us.   In addition, some lucky folks—they say it’s random—also had the opportunity for an enhanced pat-down.  I had one of those a month or two ago, before I saw any of the news reports about these new dialed-up procedures.  It startled me a bit, but not in a bad way.  I thought the security chick was getting a little too familiar; she lightly ran her hands between my breasts, brushed against my butt and even quickly between my legs (or so it seemed).  It was almost funny.  Anyway, she was friendly and very professional, but I didn’t quite know what to make of it.  For a split second it almost felt kinda nice, too, like a bad, clumsy first date.

If you’re planning to join the millions of folks who are traveling this holiday season, there are a few things you can do in dressing that will make it less painful.  These tips won’t make the plane take off on time, but they might get you through the security check faster.

You’ll want to plan your travel outfit carefully.  In general, the simpler (and lighter weight), the better.  The goal is to be the kind of traveler you wouldn’t mind being behind in the security line.

Clothing
With these new procedures, I prefer clothing without a waistband, so I tend toward dresses more so than skirts or pants.  For the pat-down, the fewer hiding places, the better.  I prefer jersey knit dresses because they travel well: they don’t wrinkle and they look good, skimming the body “just so.”  And Mr./Ms. TSA  won’t have to dig around to see if you’ve got any contraband tucked in the waist.

I like leggings for traveling, but it matters what you wear with them.  I usually choose a T-shirt and long cardigan (which has to come off).   If you choose a tunic, it should be simple (see dress recommendations above).

If you opt for pants or a skirt, choose one that doesn’t need a belt—it’s just one more thing to remove, slowing things down.

Footwear
In summer I favor flip-flops, but at this time of year I usually choose slip-ons: pumps, loafers, or ballerina flats.  Boots with zippers are also fine, but this is not the time to go trotting out the lace-up thigh-highs.  (Pack them if you think you’ll need them).  Avoid any shoe that has to be tied.  Pull-on boots are a no-no as well—you may think they’re easy, but in reality they take way too long.

Legwear
For me, it’s barefoot or tights—I just don’t like socks. But I can’t think of a good reason you shouldn’t wear them, so go ahead if you must.

Undergarments
I always wear underwire bras and they rarely set off the alarm, but I know a lot of women who say that theirs do.  If this has happened to you, maybe wear a bra without underwire. Do wear a bra though; no matter how much of a free spirit you are, you don’t want to make it that much fun for the guys behind the body scanner.

In my opinion, women should always wear cute underwear, but it’s especially important if you’re going to get a body scan.  Some might think the exact opposite, arguing that we should wear something unattractive so the scanner-viewer won’t get any cheap thrills.  But then, we don’t really know what turns him or her on, so I say:  Wear something you’d be proud to be seen in!  Personally, I like lacy boy-cut shorts.  If you’re modest, you might want to avoid a thong.

Jewelry
Chunky, clunky jewelry gets packed or stays home.  I keep travel jewelry to a minimum, mostly because I’m afraid I’ll lose something.  (Wouldn’t you know it, I broke my own rule about two months ago and wore a beautiful bracelet I’d recently bought in Paris; it beeped, I had to go back through, I put it in a bin and sent it through the machine . . . and that’s where I left it.  Didn’t remember until I was on the plane.) 

Next Steps
At the airport, you’ll probably have at least some choice of security lines; pick the one that looks the least complicated.  Obviously, you’ll want to avoid getting behind the family with two-year-old triplets in strollers.  Teenagers, with their headphones, electronics, and sullen attitudes should also be avoided (here, and in life in general, is my philosophy).  Ideal: businessmen and -women; they do this all the time and know how to get through it quickly.  I’ve found that older travelers—say, in their 80s—aren’t bad, either; their clothing and travel gear are often straightforward and uncomplicated.

Now that you’ve worked your way through security, the next annoyance is deciding what to do about food . . . but that’s another article for another time. Happy travels and happy holidays!


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Linda Ricci, Spinsterlicious Lady, Has an Online Dating Story...or Two

Linda Ricci, witty lady, dating champ, and brave enough to escape corporate America to do lots of fascinating things, including starting her own line of  awesome jewelry and blogging about the intersection of technology, strategy, and psychology: http://decahedralist.com/.  Today, she's sharing her thoughts on a few of her online dating adventures.

 

Online dating is one of the joyful rites of passage that most late 30-something or 40-something single women eventually experiences. "Why not, right? I'll give it a try." Now mind you - I'm not sitting here sadly crying into my herbal tea with fading sugar plum visions of a big white floofy dress in my head. But I LIKE men, and am self-employed and work from "home" (my couch, mostly), so online dating is one of the few ways to meet them.

But oh the joys.

It started when I posted my real age (42). Nobody wanted to talk to me! No matches, no replies, nada. So I very scientifically started changing "variables" to see which would change the results. Shaving an inch off my 5'11" height?  No result.  2?  Still nothing.  Ok, height back to original.

Religion?  Also no discernable result.

Ok then - the "variable" I had always insisted shouldn't make a difference: age.  I mean, I look about 34, so I lowered my age by a year.  Then again, then again, until I hit 39.

And the floodgates opened! But what did the gushing waters bring?  Such prizes as the 58- year-old grandfather who lives with his mother as the result of a traumatic brain injury. Seriously?  I didn't think so.  And what kind of ego permits a 58-year-old man, living with his mother and with a traumatic brain injury, to think he has a rat's ass chance in hell with someone like me?



What most astounded me though, was just the sheer number of profiles and emails sporting absolute gibberish.  Can no one string a proper sentence together?  Here's an example - I never could figure out what he was talking about (a born and bred american IT specialist, his profile claimed). To this day I chuckle when I think about "without being sluggished" - it's become a running joke of sorts between me and my friends.
 


My serious interest in possibly meeting someone to date rapidly turned into bemused anticipation of what ridiculousness would find me that day.
 
And some soul searching. Am I unreasonably picky? Do I have a right to expect more? And then the inevitable rebuttal - "Am I that desperate?".  To which the answer is clearly "no."
 
So, "adorned" with my sense of humor and a whole bunch of friends waiting for the latest wacky update, I will bravely continue my quest. 

Like Linda, I, (Eleanore), too, have had my share of online dating adventures.  Maybe I'll blog about them someday.  In the meantime, I'd love to hear about yours. 

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Indulging in Holiday Festitivities and Still Fitting Into My Clothes

Since the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, my holiday party schedule has kicked into high gear. By January 1, I'll be happily exhausted...and just happy it's over.  The holiday season with all the parties and socializing is always fun, but it's no way for a grown woman to live on a regular basis.  I no longer try to go to all of them, instead choosing the 2-3 a week that I most want to attend. 


The other day a friend expressed concern that she'd "double in size" if she kept up the holiday-party-pace and asked me how I managed to stay in control, how I indulge without overindulging.  I told her, and she thought I should share my "strategy", so here it is:


Speaking loosely, my strategy is to fill up on those foods that are good/better for me, and only have a bit of the other stuff.

• When possible, I try to find out ahead of time what's on the menu.  I generally have a pretty healthy diet  and while I try to stick to it most of the time, I don't deprive myself of something if I really want it.   So if the menu is full of delicious but calorie-laden foods, I'll eat something before I go: a plate of vegetables, a salad, or my favorite: fruit and low-fat yogurt.  That way I won't be hungry when I arrive, and  I can eat a little of what's there without going overboard.

• I alternate each drink with a glass of water.  That's an easy way to pace myself, cut down on alcohol's empty calories, and stave off the likelihood of a hangover the next day.

• If it's a dinner where we serve ourselves, I pile up my plate with mostly vegetables.  I'll take a small piece of meat/chicken/fish but avoid salad dressing, gravy, and sauce.  (I know;  it helps a lot if you really like vegetables).

• I've learned that half a cookie is usually as good as a whole one.  Same for cake, brownie, and pie.   

• Tomorrow, I'm joining a group of friends for our annual Soul Food Xmas festivities.  It's soul food so I'm not even going to pretend to eat healthily. I'm going to have fun! So, all my meals prior to the dinner will be pretty pared down (e.g., egg whites, sliced tomatoes, and a strip of bacon for breakfast, a large green salad for lunch, and a snack or two of fresh fruit). That way I can "throw down" at dinner without being ridiculous. (I'm thinking smothered pork chops will be nice).  

We're only half-way through the season so I'm hoping I can stick to my plan.   I don't have my New Year's Eve plans yet, but in case I have to slip into a little black (or red) dress, I wanna be ready.  I'd love to hear a few other tips that can help... 

 




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The Airport Meet/Meat Market?

I've been traveling a lot for business lately and I'm spending way too much time in airports.  It seems that flights these days rarely take off when they're supposed to.  Much of my travel is between NYC and Chicago, two super-busy travel hubs and I've learned to just assume there's going to be a big delay.  

Most days,  I make my way to the Airline Lounge because it makes being delayed a little less painful.  The Lounges are more pleasant surroundings, there's decent food and drink available and even free coffee and cookies!  They're spacious with a number of seating options, from living room-like arrangements to cafe tables to workstations. And no lines at the restrooms.  They're certainly a much more pleasant place to bide one's time than sitting at the gate. 

And you know what else?  They're full of men.  I hadn't thought about this until a friend mentioned it to me, because I'm usually too busy pouting that I can't get to where I'm going to even notice.  But once I did notice, I wondered if I could use some of this "forced free time" to scout the fellas.  Why not?  If he's in the Lounge he probably has a job so that's a pretty good first step.

So the other day, instead of sitting at a workstation answering emails and being annoyed that I was stuck in an airport, I sat at the bar.  I ordered a salad and a glass of wine and was soon chatting with the guy who sat down next to me.  Turns out we were both waiting for the same flight so we killed the time with another glass of wine (this time, on him).  He was an entertainment lawyer and we wasted a little time laughing about pop culture and some of his clients and celebrities-for-no-reason that we see and read so much about.  He was well-informed, funny ...and married.  That's ok.  He was a great companion for two hours and made the delay a lot more tolerable.   

So I think that'll be my new modus operandi when I'm stranded in an airport.  Sharing a drink at the bar with a gentleman certainly beats pouting over my computer by myself.  Thanks American Airlines!

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Burning the Mortgage!!

A couple of weeks ago I did something that made me prouder of myself than anything I've done in awhile.  I paid off the mortgage on my house! 

For as long as I can remember, I'd fantasized about having two homes.  I was a voracious reader as a child and would often read stories about people who had more than one home (although I didn't know anyone who did).  I thought that was terribly cool and wished I could say one day "I'll be at the country house this weekend".  I loved this notion of having a place in the city and one in the country, and thought it must be the true meaning of "the best of both worlds".

As I got older, I would spend summers with friends in "share houses" in the Hamptons, where a group of us would pool our money and rent a place for a month or the season.  It was fun but I always thought it would be even more fun without all the extra people.  And ya know what?  It is.  Eventually, I was able to treat myself to  what some people call a vacation home, but I just call my other home because I go there more often than I could ever go on vacation.   I had an apartment in the city and was now buying a home in the country...just like I'd dreamed about but never really thought I could pull off.  One mortgage is a big step; two mortgages is even more daunting.  But I did it. 

It was tough sometimes.  My co-op in NYC has a super and I had gotten very used to that.  There's no super with a house and I --being single and all-- couldn't call upon hubby to do the things a super typically does.  And trying to get the boy-of-the-moment to do it can be tricky.  Some are more skilled in that regard than others, so it's a little uneven.  Nevertheless, having a second home was (and is) every bit as wonderful as I imagined it would be.  I love my place in the city, but it's small.  My house in the country allows me to entertain family and friends (yes, even their kids) and it brings me a lot of joy to be able to do that.  And the dog is delighted to have a yard he can run around in on his own and without a leash.

I bought the house in 1996, made accelerated payments and just paid that baby off.  When I mailed in the pay-off check a few weeks ago, it didn't feel like that big a deal.  Now, it's sunk in and it's a huge deal.  When I say I'm a homeowner, I actually mean a homeOWNER.  It's mine, not the bank's and it feels great.  It's one of the most grown-up things I've ever done.  A very Spinsterlicious move!

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Spinsterlicious Shoe of the Week: Did He Cheat?

I was in a very long line at Whole Foods, having stopped in after work to pick up what would pass for dinner.   The “express” line was the longest line I’ve ever seen in my entire life, so I got in the regular line even though I only had a couple of things: light yogurt and an assortment of berries, my very favorite snack…and, in this case, my dinner.  If you didn’t know I was single before, you’d know it by looking at my basket. 

As I stood in line, I wondered how it was that all of New York City happened to be in this particular store at this particular time?  It was ridiculous.  I searched my purse to see if I had my iPod so I could at least listen to music to help the time go by faster.  I had it, but it was dead. I can never remember to charge the dang thing.   So, I’m standing there staring into space trying not to look like the crazy impatient nut that I was feeling like.  (There’s something grammatically wrong with that sentence, but I can’t fix it.  Work with me). 

A few minutes in, I heard a deep voice behind me:  “It must be my lucky day to stand in line behind the woman who can rock those boots”.   It was a little cheesy but when I turned around I liked the way he looked so I forgave him.  I laughed.  We struck up a conversation about nothing much and by the time we got to the cash registers I had agreed to have a drink with him.  We went to a restaurant about two blocks from the store and drinks turned into dinner because I can’t drink without eating…unless I’m trying to get drunk, which I wasn’t.

He was married with children, which I knew before we left the store but I didn’t mind because he seemed interesting and made me laugh.  I assured him I don’t “do” married men (my one hard-and-fast, never-wavered-from rule), and he said he wasn’t looking to be “done” and that he was just killing a little time.   And that’s what we did: ate, drank, laughed and had some good spontaneous fun...all because he liked my boots.   And that’s why they are this week’s Spinsterlicious "Shoe". 

After a couple of hours, we kissed good-bye (on the cheek) and went our separate ways,  not even exchanging contact information.  Yet a friend of mine felt that what he did was wrong.  She said if her husband did that she would feel like he’d cheated on her.  I didn’t agree because it seemed pretty innocent to me.  What do you think?


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A Life-List for The Spinsterlicious Chick

Every popular woman's  magazine has, at some point, run a column about things a woman should know. One of my favorites, by Pamela Redmond Safran, ran in Glamour Magazine a few years ago (http://bit.ly/dFQgwf).  In honor of her and every other list-maker, here's my version of what every Spinsterlicious Woman should know, have or do:


Know

• A few people she can call when she wants to share news --good or bad-- or she just wants to talk
• How to cook a weekend's worth of great meals, at least one of which can be served in bed
• How to sew on a button, repair a hem...find a good tailor
• Which color lipstick makes her eyes glow
• A "placeholder" kind of guy
• How to open a bottle of champagne...without the cork putting somebody's eye out

Have

• An up-to-date passport
• A pair of great-looking heels
• A dress that makes everyone go "wow"
• A job she enjoys
• A couple of ex-es who can still make her laugh
• A roadside assistance service

 Do

• Take a fun vacation alone
• Take vacations, in general
• Mentor a girl/young woman
• Flirt every now and then
• Buy her own home

Help me build my list.  What should we add?

Single During the Holidays -- What's Good About It?

What's good about being single during the holidays?  Well, for Kathryn Harvey --big-time advertising exec, sassy lady, good friend, and Spinsterlicious Babe of the month--  lots.    Here's how and why...in her own words: 

News reports say that the holiday season is tough for a lot of people.  Often, the single and childless (but fabulous!) fall into this category.  While I don't look forward to the time between late November and early January as much as I do summer beach weekends, the holidays aren’t all bad.  There’s the parties, the gifts, the music.  And some things about being single are actually better during the holidays.   Here are a few of mine…

• I don’t have to get a tree. Trees are festive, but the needles, the watering, and the space it takes up in a NYC apartment…well, they’re a lot of work.  If I had children, or even a husband, I couldn’t get away with not having a tree.  Way too bah humbug.  But when you’re single no one really expects you to have one.  Score!

• I  don’t have to bake or cook.  And if I do, people make a very big deal about it.   And just as good, no one expects me to send holiday cards.  These days, holiday photos of well-dressed children and/or children placed in really cool, interesting spots (at the family beach house, Macchu Picchu, etc) are the norm.  Since I don’t have any children, I don’t have to send a card.  No postage, no paper waste and no idea-generation on cute outfits or cool spots for the pictures.  If I was married and didn’t send cards, I’d be stricken from every card list, no matter how old or dear our friendship.  But as a single person, no one seems to mind and I still get the cards with the cute kids and the cool locales.  Keep ‘em coming!

• A favorite personal tradition: Every year at Christmas time, my friend, Michael and I have a fancy dinner at a new restaurant. And at these dinners, Michael gives me jewelry.  After one of my break-ups, Michael proclaimed that he’d give me jewelry every year until I had a man in my life.  I don’t think Michael (or his partner, Randall) ever expected this little tradition to last as long as it has.  And while it would be nice to have my boyfriend do this, Michael has really great taste and knows my style.  His selections are always a hit with me and complimented by my friends.  I’d miss all this since I’d probably have to be at my mother- in-law’s between Christmas and New Year if I was married.  Nice!

• Lastly, my sister, Anne, recognizes that I give her, her husband, her 4 children and sometimes her dog, a Christmas gift.  And I travel to her house.  The ratio is way out of whack.  Anne compensates by giving me a larger gift than she gives married family members.   Note to other married-with-children folks: This is a really nice, thoughtful thing to do.  While this isn’t really something that’s better about being single, I couldn’t help myself and had to share this tip.

There are a lot of things that aren’t better about being single, but hey, it’s early in the season, no point to dwell on those now.  They’ll come up soon enough – say, December 31^st.

Happy Holidays!  No trees, no cards, no cooking! 

I (Eleanore) would add to Kathryn's  Good-Things-About-Being-Single-During-the-Holidays list:  I don't have to accompany my husband or kids to parties I don't really want to attend.

Anything you want to add to the list?

The Joys of High-Ish Heels | Women's Voices For Change

A piece I wrote for another site. Is it too much to ask for shoes to look good AND feel good??

The Joys of High-Ish Heels | Women's Voices For Change

Can You Say Your Mate is Fat?

Several years ago, one of my best friends, Charlotte, gained quite a bit of weight. Although we talk about everything, I watched her get bigger and bigger but I didn't say anything because I didn't think I was supposed to.   Every television talk show  has had an episode where people were admonished  for bringing up a friend's/family member's weight.   We are told "don't do it".   So I didn't.   I wondered what the heck was going on but I said nothing.   So imagine my surprise a few months later when she yelled at me over lunch for not pointing out her weight gain.  The conversation went something like this:

Charlotte:  Did you notice that I gained weight?

Me:  Of course.

Charlotte:  Well, why the f*&^ didn't you say something?

Me:  I didn't think i was supposed to.

Charlotte:   Why not?  You're supposed to be my friend.  Why wouldn't you say something, for chrissakes?!

Me:  (laughing)  You knew you were fat.  You knew it before I did.   What were you seeing when you were naked in front of the mirror? 

Charlotte:  I don't know.  I guess I wasn't paying attention, but I would think a good friend would call my attention to it instead of just letting me get bigger and bigger.

She went on to say her husband finally said something to her and that she was now trying to correct it but she would have preferred I said something as soon as I noticed.  I pointed out to her that I think her husband --moreso than me-- is the person who should say something.   She made me promise that I would tell her the next time she started to pork up and so I did.  She appreciated it.

Charlotte and I still laugh about this, but I think she's unusual in that way.   I don't think most people want to have their weight gain pointed out to them.   Which leads me to this next situation.  My friend, Janis, has a friend who is concerned about his girlfriend's weight gain.  They've been living together for about six months and he is troubled by the weight she has put on during that time.  So he asked Janis if he should say something to her.  Janis wasn't sure, so she posted a Facebook poll to ask some of her friends what they thought.  The responses were interesting, with the vast majority saying a resounding NO.

I was one of those in the minority because I think he should say something to her.   In fact, I think he has to.   When one-half of a couple is bothered by something about the other half, it's going to come out one way or another.   When people don't voice their concerns, they usually act them out and that's worse.  We all know what it's like to be with someone who's acting strange, being different but he/she isn't saying anything.  You know something's wrong but you dont' know what.  That's what would happen here.   If he doesn't say to her that her weight gain is bothering him, he will show her and I think that's more hurtful.  I say "man up" and say what's on your mind.   Be sensitive, be caring, but be straight with her.   It'll clear the air and keep him from glaring at her belly or rolling his eyes every time she reaches for a cookie. 

I was with an ex- recently and noticed that he'd put on quite a bit of weight.  I hadn't quite decided how far this reconnection was going to go, but I do recall being somewhat taken aback by the size of his gut when he took his shirt off while working in the yard.   I thought "ooh, that's not good".   I couldn't decide what to say or how to say it so I said nothing but I wasn't thrilled.   Fortunately, it became clear pretty quickly that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to re-start the relationship so his weight gain became a moot point... but I couldn't help but wonder if it would have been inappropriate to say something.  Part of my concern was appearance and part of it was health.  It's been proven that weight gain around the middle, in particular, is not a good thing from a health perspective.   But I know people talk the health angle when what they're really thinking about is the appearance.  The health thing is really only a concern if we're going to be together long-term.  The immediate issue was that it just didn't look good.   I'm not sure it should matter but I felt like it might.  (Yeah, I was having a shallow moment).

I don't think it's fair to mention being bothered by someone's weight gain if you entered the relationship knowing your partner has weight "issues".   However, a normally slim/fit person who gains 40 pounds changes the equation and I think it's fair to say something.


But I was surprised at how many people, mostly women, were adamant that weight is off- limits as a "something's bothering me" subject, no matter what.  What do you think?

Birthday Girl

Today is my birthday.  I love a birthday.  It's my excuse to up the ante on food and drink and other festivities for a couple of weeks.  I usually have some sort of gathering to celebrate, but with the busy lives we all have, of course, all the invitees can't make it.  Those who can't make it are given the opportunity to treat me at another time  :-) , so the celebration goes on and on! 

My neighbor, Traci surprised me this morning with breakfast, flowers, and a gift certificate to her friend's lingerie shop, Journelle.  (We are straight, despite appearances here)!  I then spent most of the morning on the phone with my family and a few friends wishing me a happy day.  Because my birthday is always around Thanksgiving Day, people usually remember it even if they don't get the actual day right. So I've been receiving birthday wishes since Wednesday.  I like it.

I was supposed to have lunch with an old beau (he would probably prefer if I said ex-beau), but I couldn't pull it off.  I got very behind and had a lot going on, so we re-scheduled.  It'll be fun. Hanging out with ex-beaus (something I do quite a bit) is usually great because it's like a snapshot of the good times when we were together... with none of the headaches.


This afternoon, I treated myself to a day spa in Gramercy, using the steam room and having an awesome, much-deserved massage!  It was heavenly and I feel like I new woman.  I just had Thanksgiving Day leftovers (yummmm) and am now headed for a nap.  About 10 of us are going out later tonight to finish off the birthday celebration with food and drinks and
birthday cake, and maybe a little dancing. (Thanks, Benilde!)


This was certainly a Spinsterlicious birthday because it included so many of my favorite things.   What about you?  What Spinsterlicious plans do you have for your next birthday?

Thankful

I'm hosting Thanksgiving Dinner this year.  Here in my tiny NYC apartment several friends will gather at around 4p to feast, drink, laugh, and be thankful.   I'm doing the dinner the best way I know how: A Fresh Direct Thanksgiving!   Yay!!   Fresh Direct prepares and delivers an entire Thanksgiving dinner to your door!  That's right: veggies, cranberry sauce, stuffing, gravy, rolls, dessert and a mostly-cooked turkey.  The turkey has to be cooked for maybe 2 hours; everything else just needs heating up. It's all the joys of a delicious, delightful Thanksgiving dinner with about 1/4 of the work.  It's a beautiful thing.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Good food, good people, good times. Everybody celebrates it and there's nothing not to like. (Even if the original Thanksgiving story is a little suspect, we ignore it).  So, while I'm doing little things around the house to prepare for my guests, here's a few things that I'm extremely thankful for (in no particular order):

-Turkey wings, my favorite part

-My life, in general. It's fantastic, I'm much appreciative and do not take my good fortune for granted

-My sister, Phyllis (and Danny's auntie) who's one of my best friends.  The rest of my family and the good relationships we have.  I know everybody cannot say that and I'm glad that I can

-Flavored coffee

-My friends. I'm so fortunate to have such a great circle of friends who are fun, smart, and good people.  I don't dare try to list them, though, because I'm sipping on the dinner wine (gotta make sure it's right) and if I forget someone...uh-oh. But they know who they are.

-My job (and the folks) at Taylor PR. I'm new there but I kinda dig the place.

-Gummy bears, Dots, and Swedish Fish

-The Boy

-My health. It's super good, especially for an old-ish broad.

-A relatively warm November

-My shoe collection.

-My financial health. It's good.  It hasn't always been, but I'm liking the way things are looking.

-Danny, the world's cutest dog

-DVR


Happy Thanksgiving to all.  I'd love to know at least one thing you're thankful for this year.  Tell me...

Sometimes Being Single Sucks

As you know, I like being single.  But sometimes being single sucks. And when I say "single", I don't mean "not married", I mean "not in a relationship".  I never think being unmarried sucks, but I do like having a boyfriend.


Right now is one of those times when I'm less than thrilled about being single.  Yes, I am kinda seeing someone, but it's not that serious yet. I need something serious right now because I need somebody to drag to the office Xmas party and the multitude of other business-related holiday parties I'm facing in the coming month.  I've learned the hard way that the office party is not the place to bring a "casual something". The office party is for spouses, fiances, significant others.

"The guy I see" isn't quite appropriate for this setting. Why?  Because for the rest of the year the boss will ask "How's Dave"... or worse, "Where's Dave" because by then I've moved onto to someone else, but I don't really feel like explaining it.  It can be awkward. After awhile I start to get embarrassed because there's been times when it was a different guy every office social occasion. Glad, yes, that I had guys available...but also embarrassed because I might be looking like a slut. 

But I don't really like going alone, either.  I can be a little clumsy, socially, at parties where I don't know a lot of people.  It's better when I have someone with me that can save me from myself and my awkward behavior.  So being single is about to suck soon because the office party is in a couple of weeks.

This time of year is probably the time I'm most likely to wish I could wave a magic wand and change my situation, but there are a few other times when I'd prefer not to be single:

• A couple of months ago "something" happened in a neighboring apartment and several of her roaches found their way into my apartment.  I've always been pleased that my place was not the exaggerated, overdone stereotype of a roach-infested NYC apartment.  But, in a flash, I went from seeing maybe 1-2 roaches a year to 1-2 a day. I was not happy.  And as much smack as I can talk, I can be taken down by an insect because I am terrified of roaches.  I can barely bring myself to squash one so I usually try to drown them...which is stupid because they're not always in the sink.  Pouring water on the floor or trying to throw it on them as they scurry across the wall is, well...   So it would have been really nice to let him take care of them...if there had been a him.

• There was a recent article in the Sunday New York Times (http://nyti.ms/biMM5b) about a single woman who had bedbugs and felt that having a husband would have made this more manageable.  I can relate to that.

• Whenever I need help with electronics I have to borrow Tony, Traci's husband.  I'm afraid she (or he) may get sick of me one day.

• In the wintertime, I don't always want to walk the dog at night in the freezing cold. That's something he could do.

I'm sure there must be other times when being single can suck, but this is all I got right now?  Can you think of any?

Girl Scout Cookies and Other Woes

It's that time of year again.   Makes me almost want to go into hiding.   Every year about this time I am harassed by some kid's parent who is selling stuff I don't need or want. Right now it's Girl Scout Cookies, but in a few minutes it'll be wrapping paper -or- chocolate bars -or- those caramel Turtle things -or- some tchotchke to benefit the school band -or-  well, you get the point.   Maybe if I had kids I'd see this through a different lens, but I don't so... .   I really just want to be left alone.


But, ya know, there's no way out of this without seeming like a grumpy old b&*^%.  There's no explanation I can give for not wanting to buy whatever your kid is selling because, of course, it's helping some super-important cause and how could I refuse?  Not wanting what is being sold apparently isn't a good enough reason.  And it's only a few dollars; I won't even miss it, right?  

This time that old adage really is true, though:   it's not the money, it is the principle.  I don't want what you're selling.  And I don't want it repeatedly because everybody with a kid is selling something. (And why is the parent selling it anyway?  Isn't this supposed to be some kind of teachable moment for the kid?  What are you doing?)  

I feel like I'm being robbed. I know a lot of people with kids and I'm being hit up all the time and nobody really cares how I feel about it (said tearfully). 

Lately I've started to put my foot down...kinda.  I really don't want the "stuff", so I just give 'em the money and say --with a smile-- you can keep the cookies/paper/chocolate...whatever it is.  But guess what: some people are offended at that, too.  I can't win...though I kinda do because I just treat it like any random donation, and I don't end up with a bunch of stuff I don't want.  I don't know why I didn't think of this years ago.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way

Travel Feeds My Soul

There are few things I enjoy more than traveling.  That might be the reason I go to work every day; so I can fund my next trip.  I want to go everywhere.  Last weekend I went to London...just for the weekend!   So cool and so fun.

I got in at 7a Saturday morning.  The Boy met me at the airport.  We had brunch at a diner in South Kensington, took a stroll through beautiful Hyde Park, and discovered an interesting neighborhood called Shepherd's Market.  I slept through what-I'm-told was a cute movie with Gerard Depardieu (jet lag finally kicked in), but was very much awake for a fun dinner at a pub called The Only Running Footman. Weird name.  It had the feel of a "typical" English pub but with much better food.  Sunday it poured rain but for some reason I didn't mind too much.  We had a lazy start, this time working our way through Holland Park before some light shopping in Mayfair and another great meal. (Seems like all I do is eat).  A 6:30p flight back to NYC got me home in time for my usual bedtime.  I was exhausted...but so satisfied.

This was my third trip to Europe this year.  I went to Paris in May and the southern coast of Spain in August.  Only the Paris trip was really planned.  Spain and London were more opportunistic (meaning someone said "come" and I said "yes, indeed").  So Spinsterlicious, right?

I’ve traveled throughout the U.S. to major cities and small towns, plus Argentina, Brazil, China, Costa Rica, England, France, Hungary, Indonesia, Ireland, Morrocco, Spain, South Africa, Switzerland, and United Arab Emirates.   Last year this time I was on safari in Tanzania.   Seeing the lives of others and experiencing their cultures, even though just briefly, is such a great experience. 

But there's no place like home, either.  I'm always thinking of packing my bags for my next adventure AND I'm always happy to plant my feet back on the soil of the good old U.S. of A.  

I think part of what makes for a great life --a Spinsterlicious life--  is having the ability to stoke your passions. Mine is traveling. What turns you on?

Child-free… or Just Free? | Women's Voices For Change

Child-free… or Just Free? | Women's Voices For Change

Above, an article I posted on another site: Women's Voices for Change

Wedding Dreaming

Kleinfeld's --a popular store in my neighborhood-- has the largest selection of designer and couture wedding dresses (or so they say). It's located a block from my apartment building so I pass it often.  When I'm walking my dog on the weekends, I usually pass a few brides-to-be with their moms/aunts/grandmothers or friends/wedding party. Occasionally there's an annoyed-looking man with them. 

A couple of weeks ago, I struck up a conversation with a woman standing outside the store who asked to pet my dog while she was waiting for her mother to show up. She looked to be about 35 years old and was "over the moon" (her words) about getting married, which I thought was sweet.  It was her next comment that gave me pause.  Actually more than "pause" because it happened a few weeks ago and I'm still thinking about it.  She said she'd been dreaming about her wedding since she was 11.  And before you say "lots of little girls like to play bride" --which is what I was thinking-- she went on to tell me that she and her mother had "designed" her entire wedding for her 11th birthday. I laughed...because I thought she was joking...I mean, she had to be, right?  No. She meant it.

Since age 11, she has known where her wedding would be (The Plaza Hotel), her color scheme (pink and yellow), the kind of cake (multi-tiered, vanilla and cherry something) and what the dress would look like (long train, spaghetti straps...I forget the rest).  Through the years, she said she would update details on the dress and tear out pictures that fit her vision.  Now remember, she's about 35 now so she has done this for almost 25 years. 

Is it just me?  This seems a little nuts to me.  But not to everybody.  I shared this story with a woman I know and she was like "yeah, so what".  Okay, so maybe it is me. What I remember most is this grown woman gushing that she was finally getting the wedding she's been dreaming about for, lo, these many years.  Here's the thing: she never once mentioned the groom...her husband-to-be...the guy she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with.  And that's what I don't get.  The wedding ceremony seemed to mean a lot more than the marriage, the 'til-death-do-us-part bit.  I sure hope it works out for her.

The woman who's been dreaming about her wedding all her life --not the marriage and actual life-- but the wedding: what is her deal??? (Needless to say, I've never done that, but I do know this chick isn't the only one.)

A Boy in London

So, I'm off to London today to visit a boy.  We've dated off-and-on for about 10 years, never really seriously, but always finding our way back to each other.  We like each other.  We get along and like to do a lot of the same things. But we always drift apart, usually my fault ("hey, who's that cute guy over there?").

Anyway, we've found our way back to each other again and I'm being better this time.  He's working in London these days but comes back to NYC for a visit every 3-4 weeks, and he/we thought it'd be a nice idea if I came over for a visit.  It'll be short...just for the weekend.  Only a weekend because I don't have any more vacation time at work to take...which kinda sucks.  Anyway, maybe the weekend is the right amount of time: long enough to enjoy each other, short enough not to get on each other's nerves.  I'm expecting it to be quite fun.

Long (very long) distance relationships: how do you pull them off?