In Honor of Nora Ephron...with Thanks to Dove

I'm a huge fan of Nora Ephron, who we lost recently.  Fortunately her wise and witty words will be with me forever.  Just about everything she said and wrote is one of my favorites, but one of my favorite favorites is the chapter On Maintenance from her book I Feel Bad About My Neck.  She writes about the increasing amount of time a woman has to spend on maintaining her looks as she ages.  Or as she calls it: "Status Quo Maintenance…what you do just to stay more or less even…the routine, everyday things required just to keep you from looking like someone who no longer cares.”

I totally get it.  I've always been rather lazy about my beauty routine.  Typically, I do the least amount necessary to look good.  I was blessed with “decent enough” looks and, of course, I had my youth.  I felt those things were enough and I didn’t have to work too hard.

That’s all changed.  I probably should work harder about my Status Quo Maintenance beauty routine, but I’m still lazy.  So here’s how I make it work now:

•  I bought a wig.  When I have a bad hair day, I don’t spend  a lot of time trying to fix it.  I put on my alternate hair.

•  I’ve fallen in love with fake nails.  I’ve never been one to get regular manicures because there’s something about my nails and nail polish that doesn’t work.  By day three, I’m all chips.  But I like the look of manicured nails and now I have them almost all the time. They go on in minutes and last a week or two.  No muss, no fuss.

• False eyelashes.  I’m getting better at putting them on straight, so I don’t look drunk.  When I get them right, they look better and are easier and faster than daily mascara because I wear them until they start to fall off.

•   New Dove® VisibleCare Renewing Crème Body Wash.  This one was a pleasant surprise.  I agreed to do a review of this new product because I’m always looking for something to make my skin look good.  In the summer, I like to take a shower at night.  I typically dry off and hop right into bed.  Moisturizing is too much trouble at that time, so when I wake up my skin has been replaced by that of an alligator. 

So, I looked forward to seeing what Dove could do for me.  What they told me is: Dove Renewing Body Wash nourishes and replenishes skin.  It’s part of  a revolutionary line of premium body wash from Dove.

It contains the highest concentration of NutriumMoisture technology across the Dove portfolio.  It gives you visibly more beautiful skin in just one week.

What I learned is that I can now take my nightly shower,  jump into bed without moisturizing, and my skin doesn’t scare me in the morning.  It actually looks pretty good.  I love that.  “Visibly more beautiful skin from a body wash” seems to be true.

If you want to know more about this new line from Dove, go to

http://www.dove.us/.  There’s also a sweepstakes for two $500 spa gift cards, and a coupon.

Now, if only I can find a lip gloss that stays on until I take it off.

Visit Dove^® VisibleCare^® to get a coupon for $1 off!

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Paraphrasing Lionel Richie: Once, Twice, Three Times A …Bride?!

A couple of months ago I went to the wedding of a close friend.  It was a small-ish affair and quite lovely.  We were blessed with beautiful weather, the vibe amongst the guests was friendly, the food was bountiful, and the music was good.  The pre-wedding reception was pleasant. Still, I felt a little weird.  At first, I couldn't quite put my finger on where this feeling was coming from, but it became clear to me during the ceremony when they recited their vows.

I watched them gaze lovingly into each others eyes promising to "love, cherish…til death us do part."  Aha! Here's where that weird feeling I was having came from.  This is her third wedding, the third time she's made this promise.

No judgement here, but I couldn't help but wonder if she felt weird, too.  As she recited these vows, I wondered if she had flashbacks to the first time, the second time she made this same promise.  I felt a little sad and hopeful at the same time.

I wondered if she felt, "Gosh. I've failed at this before…" -or- was it more like "Look, if at first you don't succeed..."  I hope it was the second one because it feels more upbeat, maybe with even a little humor mixed in.

Clearly she believes in marriage and, God bless her, I hope this one goes the way it's supposed to this time.

I'm sure it's not just me.  Have you experienced similar feelings at a "remarriage?"



NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.


 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

I'm Getting Older. Should I Be Worried?

Lately, I seem to be inundated with articles about how hard and sad and pathetic my “golden years” are going to be. As a single woman with no kids (a spinster), I, apparently, am due for a pretty bleak existence as I get older.  According to these articles, I’m going to be lonely and broke, and in poor physical and psychological shape. I keep seeing these reports, but I never feel as if they’re talking about me. I’m not in denial . . . maybe I’m just optimistic. Or even a bit skeptical. Who are these people they’re talking about?

Lonelier, Poorer: The Outlook for Some Aging Baby Boomers Is Bleak is the title of one of these articles; it ran in The Atlantic recently. It says that many never-married boomers don’t have much of a support net, we’re more likely to be impoverished, more likely to be disabled, and less likely to have health insurance. Goodness. This is almost enough of a reason to make me run out and marry the first guy who’ll have me.

It has always been true that a segment of our population will struggle in old age, for all the reasons mentioned above, but I can’t help but wonder if this recent bunch of “bad news” articles is a backlash to all the “single is good” talk that’s bouncing around the media—my book, The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Child-free, and Eric Klinenberg’s Going Solo, to name two.

Though all these “poor single baby boomers” articles should worry me, they don’t. Having kids or a husband is no guarantee of a graceful decline. Of course, when it works the way it’s supposed to, I know that having kids and a husband is a lovely way to spend one’s later years. Yet having a husband is no sure safeguard against a lonely, destitute old age. He might die before you do, or be infirm at the same time, or have split long before you reach the twilight of your life.

Kids are no guarantee, either. They may not have the wherewithal—or the will—to care for you and their own families. At the risk of saying the morbid, sometimes kids die first, or maybe they and you might be unlucky enough to have a poor relationship and they wouldn’t come around. I wish it would never turn out like that, but sometimes it does. I have single friends who worry that they’ll break a hip and be stuck somewhere, alone, but I don’t really think about stuff like that. I’m hoping to just drop dead one day.

So, despite not having a husband or kids, I’m planning (well, actually hoping) to have a good old age. I’m making regular contributions to an IRA. I have disability and long-term-care insurance. I own my home. I eat right and, so far, I’m in good health. I’m relatively likeable, and so I’m crossing my fingers that my friends and family will enjoy spending time with me when I’m old, and will even step in to take care of me if/when that time comes. These are the things I hope my married-with-children friends are doing, too.

So . . . I’m not going to get myself into a tizzy worrying about how horrible life will be when I’m old, just because I’m single. I appreciate the warning, but I have a life to live. Whatever happens, happens.

I know that a  lot of single women are worried about what will happen to them when they're old.  Do you?   

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

How Many Ways to Be Single? (A Guest Post)

Lately, my dear friend, Debra, has been thinking a lot about the many single women she knows, the ways they are single (e.g., never married, divorced, single moms) and what it all means.   Here, let her tell you...

In her own words:


Last week two very similar things happened virtually simultaneously. While talking on the phone to a woman who was recently singled-by-divorce, I was reading Eleanore’s Facebook post. Yes, that’s right, the Eleanore, queen of I’ve-got-this-single-thing-on-a-leash. Her post referenced spending time and chumming it up with two distinct groups of her friends: happily married women and [by inference] very-comfortable-in-my-skin single women. 


Based on the painful conversation I was having, I was struck by the notion that there are many states of singlehood. As a never-been-married, single parent of an adult daughter, I embrace my life as my life. Yes, over the years I have pondered the reality of why my road forked onto the path of perpetual singleness. Yes, over the years I have, and occasionally still do, long for that ever-evolving storybook marriage. 


However, the truth is most marriages that I have witnessed, well, let’s just say they have left me far less interested in a marriage than a very healthy relationship. Yes, I do on occasion happen upon one of those magical marriages that give true substance and validation to: “happily ever after”. Given an option, yes, I would take such a marriage. At any rate, I said all of that to say that I fall into the category of Eleanore’s very-comfortable-in-my-skin single friends. 


Interestingly, the general twist with being a long-term single woman is often less than flattering. That is most unfortunate, as it negates substantive reality. Run the numbers, i.e., how many happy, healthy marriages does one personally encounter in life? (And for those marriages, I simply desire to grab popcorn and something to drink while gazing with stars in my eyes and heart at a man being a man/gentleman and a woman being a woman/lady unto each other. Humph, that just lights up my heart. It is akin to living art, a masterpiece. It is spiritually enriching. It boasts of beauty without even trying. I become in love with love. 


Just thinking about it reminds me of an inquiry from friend a number of years ago. We were at a concert sitting next to a couple who were so loving and comfortable with their love for each other that they enfolded us into their evening with an incredible lovingkindness that left my friend asking: “Debbie, is it possible to be in love with a couple?”  If so, then we were ready to commit that relationship. In reality, it simply spoke to the loving relationship that we would gladly have welcomed into our own lives.  


Okay, that’s enough about me, as mine is the common vanilla single lifestyle: life is what is and mine is to play the hand I have by valuing the trump cards I possess. Ironically, this is the general posture of single women who wake up every day walking it out in flats or stilettos. What I have come to realize is that this group of single women, unknowingly, model being single to a group of women who are literally locked in a prison of time and space that was intended to be a loving marriage. Looking through the bars of their lives, they see women (married and single) going about their business making things happen, being happy, being fulfilled and fulfilling others. 

This is where my phone call with the singled-by-divorce woman and Eleanore’s prepping for fun with friends weekend come into play. The woman on the other end of the phone gave me an immediate realization that healthy singlehood is a process. Transitioning from being in a “prisonous” marriage into an emotionally healthy single person takes time, support, growth, and yes, some spiritual maturity. After all, it is not possible for one to be the same woman pre-marriage as post-marriage. It will take time to get to “know” oneself unto oneself, and others per this newly evolving self. 


My conversations with the recently singled-by-divorce woman are always awkward for me. Her frame of reference to relationships is unmoored to anything beyond her seeming random imaginings of singlehood. I listen with the challenging awareness being singled-by-divorce is just one step. There are so, so many more along the road to getting to know oneself anew so that one can learn to love oneself.  Being Single 101.


So...do you think the way you became single impacts the way you experience single-dom?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Wedding Survival Tips

I'm wasting a perfectly good Saturday this weekend to attend a wedding.  I always have such mixed feelings about these things.  The bride and groom are good friends of mine and I'm happy they've found each other (a Match.com success story), but weddings usually bore me:  it's like watching the same play over and over, just with different actors.  Of course there are moments of happiness, laughter, fun, and good food and drink, but it's spread over way too many hours of "not much".  I usually spend some of that time pondering ways to shorten a wedding and reception, start-to-finish, to 2-3 hours.  Most wedding events take twice that amount of time, during which I try hard to remain social while really wanting to tiptoe out…without being rude.

My "date" for this wedding is a good Spinsterlicious friend of mine.  Together, we'll figure out a way to make it fun.

The one thing I want to commend the bride on is that I, a single woman, was allowed to bring a guest.  Huge kudos to her because so many people don't extend this courtesy to single people and it annoys the heck out of me.  So much so that I've turned down some wedding invitations when I didn't want to go alone.  Other times, I've left early because I'm just not that good at working the room by myself and I no longer feel like I have to try, if I don't want to.

So it was really timely when someone sent me a link to this article by Meredith Goldstein in the Washington Post called Twelve Tips for Singles at Weddings.    The author gets it. I think her tips are smart.  Except for #11.  I think she must've been drinking when she wrote that one.

Anyway, here's a truncated, sometimes paraphrased,  version of her list.

1.  If you have to travel out of town, stay with the group.  Stay where other people are staying so that it's easy to be included in the pre- and post-wedding activities.

2.  Eat.  Enjoy the cake.  Don't deny yourself.

3.  If you're traveling, don't be cheap. Treat yourself to your own room.  Make it into a mini-vacation.

4. Show up in pictures.  You're part of the moment, so make it known.  Remember to look cute.

5. Table hop. She says to find a new table if you don't like the one you're at.  I love this one.  I'm sure some brides or whoever did the seating might not approve…but so what.  The should have set me with "better" people.

6.  Help.  Give yourself something to do, if you're feeling aimless or losing your mind.  Something like taking pictures or volunteering to lend a hand to someone who needs it.  I think this is a good idea…but one I'm likely not to do.  I'm not usually looking for work.

7.  Take in the sights.  Again, if you're traveling, treat it like a mini-vacation; build in some fun.  If there's something interesting nearby --a park, restaurant, cultural event-- take advantage of it.

8. Don't overthink it. The wedding doesn't mean anything about your life and where you should be.  I love this one, and it's great to be reminded.  I think we sometimes bring our own baggage/issues…unnecessarily.

9.  Try a new outfit.  It might be fun to try out a new look, especially if you don't know a lot of people in attendance.

10.  Ask one person to dance.  Or more than one. Be bold. Pretend you're at a club.

11. Play with the kids.  This is the one where I think she's a little nuts, but that's just me.  I'm not even thinking about doing this one.

12.  Get yourself adopted.  Make a friend or two--even if it's a couple-- and hang out with them.  More than one person is almost always more fun than being by yourself in this situation.

You can read her whole article, here.

Do you have any wedding-survival tips for Singles that you can add to this list?  Please share...

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Two Weekends in a Spinsterlicious Life

Oh, the Spinsterlicious Life.  It's a mixture of all things good and interesting in life...and delightful juxtapositions.

Weekend #1
Last weekend, I spent some time with three fab single ladies and it was just refreshing to see each of them doing their own thing, having crafted pretty nice lives for themselves.  I see this all the time so it still befuddles me when I hear people question how a single woman could be happy and pretty satisfied with her life, as is.  These girls have it going on!

Spinster # 1 is actually not a spinster because she's divorced…so I've made her an honorary spinster.  She had us all laughing as she talked about how much fun she's having renovating her new place, post-divorce.  Her last renovation --during the marriage-- was fraught with tension and stress as she and the then-hubby struggled over every last detail, trying to find a solution that satisfied them both.  Sometimes they ended up with a compromise that only half-satisfied either one of them.  This time, she's doing her place exactly the way she wants it and she loves it.

Spinster #2 has a pretty cool job in the entertainment field and regaled us with stories  about her travels and the behaviors of nutty, demanding celebrities.  She also told us about being invited, recently,  to a friend's dinner party with four other couples.  She was the only single-ista.  They decided to play a game that only couples could play.  It didn't occur to anyone that maybe this wasn't so nice.  Don't they know any other games?

Spinster #2's story reminded me of attending a wedding and being seated at the Singles table instead of being seated with my married friends (the only other people I knew at the wedding.)  The singles were all college kids who I didn't know.  I can't figure out why it didn't occur to someone that there might be a better solution.  I know; someone I mentioned this to said there's not always a place to seat one person.  I say b.s. to that.  You can add or remove another chair at any table if it comes to that.  It's your wedding; you can do what you want.

Spinster #3 quit her corporate job and started doing her own thing…and she loves it. She makes less money than she used to, but she doesn't care.  (Having a rich-ish boyfriend helps).  She has what I consider to be the perfect "arrangement".  She has a great boyfriend who accepts that she loves and wants him, but is not interested in marriage and kids.  So they live apart; they spend lots of time together traveling and doing other normal couple things, then they go home to their respective places.  I want her life.  (I exaggerate when I say "I want her life".  What I really love is her boyfriend situation.  "Hi, honey.  Bye, honey.")

Spinster #4 is me.  I just got back from the graduation ceremony of a delightful young woman I've mentored for a few years.  I'm so proud of her and get to revel in her successes…without having to raise her!  Just like the boyfriend situation, it's good to spend time with her (and him)…and then send her (and him) home!  This reminds me that one of the commenters on a post I recently wrote said to me, angrily,  "Quit whining. Being single is easy."  I guess he's right in many ways.  I like easy.

Weekend #2
This weekend is Memorial Day weekend, the unofficial kick-off to summer in the U.S.  To celebrate, I invited two of my closest friends for the weekend to jumpstart the season.  In my fantasy-head, it would be just like the old days, when we were free-single-and-21.  Except we're not.  I'm still free and single, but they're married with children.

I didn't have the nerve to say "leave the kids and spouses at home", so they're all coming. Even the dogs.  I say this mostly in jest:  I really love their families...though I am a little concerned about spending that much time with that many children...some of whom are teenagers.  Actually with that many people.  Since I live alone, the thought of being surrounded --sun up to sundown-- by eight people gives me a bit of agita.  I'm sure I'll be fine, and it'll be fun...but y'all should pray for me anyway.  Hopefully I don't end up on the news:  "Lady flips out over too many weekend guests."

But this is my Spinsterlicious life.  I have a full array of friends in a variety of situations and it works just fine.  As it should.  Happy Memorial Day, everybody.  And a special thanks to the troops who protect us...allowing me to spend my time pondering small things like my weekend activities, without having to worry about big, scary things like terrorism.

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

A Good Reason to Get Married (File Under "Catty Comment")

I seriously hate exercise.  All my life I've been waiting for that pill that would allow me to eat what I want, as often as I want, and sprawl on the couch as long as I want without gaining a pound or negatively impacting my health.  I think working out should be something I have to do only when I feel like it.  

For example, I used to run and I loved running.  Running is the only exercise I've ever enjoyed.  Anything else feels like work.  Then my knees stopped cooperating.  I had arthroscopic surgery on my right knee a few years ago, and now my left knee seems to be demanding similar attention.

I refuse to go to the gym, so while I'm waiting for that "no more exercise" pill to be invented, I downloaded a few workout apps onto to my iPad.  I work out to them at home while I'm watching TV.  It's the closest I can get to doing nothing, without actually doing nothing.  The thing is, these apps provide a pretty good workout...if I set them to the highest level and for longer than 20 minutes. 

I was complaining about hating exercise the other day to a spinster friend and she was in full-on agreement with me.  She said, "Hating exercise is the only reason I can think of to get married.  Ever notice how women gain weight (I'm paraphrasing here) once they take on a husband?  I guess it's ok to 'give up' once you land him."  I laughed...even though I know it's not true.  Well, it's kinda true, but not true enough to be a truism. 

Unfortunately, I can think of too many women who did not gain the 'marital spread' ...but it's kind of amusing, anyway.  Plus, it didn't help that I knew she was talking about a particular married lady...the one who's married to her ex-.  This woman really did pack on the pounds soon after she got married and she used to be a fitness fanatic.  Go figure...

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

(Why) Is "Spinster" A Four-Letter Word?

I am a single woman with no kids. I've been that way all my life. It's by choice, so it's a fine place to be. Eons ago, I would have been called a spinster. Or an old maid.  Old Maid sounds much too heavy, plus I'm reminded of the card game of the same name where the Old Maid is the last thing one wants to be. If you end up the Old Maid in this game, you are the loser. Some might also say this is true in real life. 

I considered bachelorette for a moment, but only for a moment. I knew that wouldn't work. Bachelorette refers to a young woman.  It has a certain lightheartedness that I like, but it also seems to carry a bit of frivolity, which really doesn't work for me anymore. 

So, nix old maid…nix bachelorette.  I'm going with spinster. It's archaic and has a certain ring to it.  I think of Jane Austen and well-dressed, polite, independent women.  Spinster is so out, it's in.  Or at least, that's my plan.  Unlike old maid, which automatically carries all kinds of baggage and negative imagery, spinster is different.  Dictionary.com defines a spinster as "a woman still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying."   Well that certainly is me.  No problem. 

  

So when I started chronicling my life, I wanted spinster to be part of the title.  But spinster does carry with it a certain blandness.  It doesn't seem exciting or fun or lively so, though I like it, it doesn't totally describe me.  I am exciting…and fun…and lively, so I decided to jazz it up a bit.  I like the word delicious and I have used it to describe my life.  And that's how I ended up with Spinsterlicious.  Spinster +  (de)-licious.  Get it? 

And that's also how The Spinsterlicious Life was born; it's the name of my book  and my blog.  And the word spinster is used a lot in both places.

So, I was a little surprised a couple of weeks ago when more than a few Commenters to my Divorce Envy  piece on The Huffington Post  took issue with my use of the s-word, calling it "ugly" and chastising me for using it.  Huh?  

I don't know it to be an ugly word.  Is it just the whole concept of being a never-married- woman-of-a-certain-age that is ugly?  I think it is for some people, and I hope to change that.  Similar to the way young African-Americans want to re-frame the N-word, and young women are embracing the B-word, I want to reclaim and jazz up spinster.  It's not a bad state of being and shouldn't be considered a bad word.  It's what I am.  I'm Spinsterlicious, baby! 

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Divorce Envy

Sometimes I am jealous of divorced women. Oh, not for the reason you might think; not because they've had at least one husband and I've had none. I feel jealous of divorced women because they have more social capital than I do. They exist on a higher rung on society's status ladder than I do because I am an eternally single woman with no kids -- a spinster. By choice. There. I said it, I own it and life is good. I've built a pretty nice life for myself but people still look askance at me and my fellow spinsters from time to time. They don't get it; they want to know what's wrong with us, wondering why we aren't married. People understand divorce and even single motherhood. Spinsterhood is puzzling, for some reason.

And, honestly, I'm puzzled about why they're puzzled. According to the Pew Institute, almost 30 percent of U.S. adults have never been married -- a record high. That's a lot of people, so being forever single should seem more... well, normal, but I guess our culture is not quite there yet.

Some years ago when I was younger, I worked with a woman -- Faye -- who was a spinster, although that wasn't how she referred to herself. She seemed to have quite an interesting life, with lots of romances and the jewelry to prove it. I wouldn't have done it quite the way she did because she was always an important man's mistress and that's not my thing. But I admired Faye's joie de vivre. She seemed unabashed in her single status and her lifestyle seemed to work for her.

Or at least I thought it did. One day, while I was listening to one of her many stories, she gave me a bit of advice that I found startling. She said, "Just find someone and marry him." She told me that it didn't really matter if I loved him or even stayed with him very long. Her reasoning? Divorced women are viewed more favorably than women who've never been married. In her immortal words, "It's better to be a has-been than a never-was!"

This sentiment seemed absurd to me then but I also knew that many people agreed with it. Now that it's 2012, I remember that story with a smile and as a sign of times past.

So imagine my surprise when I attended a dinner party not too long ago with some friends and colleagues I hadn't seen in awhile. A number of them were shocked -- shocked! -- that I still (their word) wasn't married. In fact, my un-wifed "plight" was the topic of conversation for what I considered to be much too long. "Why?" they wanted to know. "What's wrong?"

The kicker was that this conversation was led by a woman who was going through her third divorce. How does one fail at marriage three times by the age 45? It seemed that I was the only one who thought that was odd. All present congratulated her for knowing how to get a man... even if she couldn't keep one. And collectively, they couldn't accept that I had chosen to be happily single.

And then I remembered Faye's "has-been vs. never-was" line and it all made sense. It was 25 years later but this sentiment, apparently, still rings true.

Even now, in our very modern society, a wife is held in high esteem, a divorcee gets credit for trying and people just feel sorry for the always-single woman who's never gotten a man to say "I do."

A divorced relative once asked me to be sure to include her ex-husband's name in her obituary when the time comes. Although she's been divorced longer than she was married, she doesn't want to die without everyone knowing that she had once been someone's wife -- that she was desired -- that she is normal enough to know how to follow societal expectations. She believed that an attempt at marriage is much more acceptable than saying "the heck with it", like I did.

A male friend of mine only dates divorced women. According to him, "A 40-year-old woman who has never been married is scary." And I've seen the flash of "oh no" in the eyes of guys I'm flirting with when they learn I've never been married, not even once. Every now and then, just for fun, I'll say I'm a two-time divorcée. The response is almost always friendlier than when I tell the truth.

I've had a few "opportunities" to get married, but I chose not to do so. I know myself; I wouldn't have been good at it. I love having a boyfriend and I also love it when he goes home. Life, the way I've chosen to live it, has been good to me. But, still, there are all those other folks who just don't buy it. "Happily single" sounds like an oxymoron to them.

So that's why I sometimes have divorce envy. I want to stop explaining myself, I want to stop reassuring people that "I'm fine... really". I want to be accepted as normal, just like my divorced sisters. Is that too much to ask?

P.S.  This article originally ran in Huffington Post. If you've got a few minutes, take a look at the Comments over there.  It started a really lively discussion. 

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

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