As you probably know, talking about living alone/being alone/being single is hot right now. It seems that not a day goes by that I don't see or hear this topic being discussed on TV, in newspapers and magazines, and all over the Twitterverse. Sometimes it's discussed in a way that I appreciate: affirming, celebratory even. Still, too many times the tone still borders on "what's wrong with them". (I'm doing my part to change this.)
Recently, The Washington Post conducted a survey and ran an article about living alone, and I found the results of the survey to be thought-provoking.
There were two questions that really jumped out at me. The first one was "At this point in your life, do you want to get married?"
65% said "they would if they're in love with the person", and 30% said "nah, I like being single". I wish I knew if the "I prefer to be single" people are primarily women or men. Just curious…
I participated in this survey and didn't really know how to answer this question. I don't even remember what I chose, but I do know that I wanted to do a combination of the first two choices that would go something like this: "I like being single, but wouldn't mind a long-term boyfriend." I've always liked having a boyfriend, but I want him to go home from time to time...so marriage would be tricky.
But I did a double-take at the 4% who said they want to be married even if they don't fall in love with the person! Wow. I'd like to know a lot more about this one. I get that a lot of people want the companionship…but being married to and sharing my life and house with someone I'm not in love with feels like a special kind of hell to me. Yikes!
The other question I liked was "How happy is your life compared to that of people who are married or in long-term relationships?"
41% said they didn't think there was much difference. This might be the true-est answer because it's really very individual and varies from person to person and relationship to relationship.
33% of the Singles think they're happier (22% somewhat happier, 11% much happier). I fall in this group but, again, I want to tweak the options. I think people in long-term relationships --especially if they don't live in the same house-- are happier than married people, so it's hard for me to think of married people and long-term-relationship people as the same. So…I would have said "I'm somewhat happier" compared to married people and "no difference" to those in long-term relationships. And, honestly, I don't know if married people are less happy than I am, but I do know that they seem to complain an awful lot.
25% said they think married people are happier than they are (19% said Marrieds are somewhat happier and 6% said much happier.)
So, I'm curious to know how you feel. Please take the survey on the top right of this page
and then elaborate on your response in the Comments section below. I'll write about the results in an upcoming post.
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15 comments:
About the 4 percent who said they didn't need to be in love with the person they married: I'm thinking of arranged marriages, which from my cultural perspective are terrifying, but I've heard stories of couples coming to truly love each other as they developed the shared experience of working on the relationship. It seems risky to me, but then, so is dating too.
Though at least with dating you'd have the option of extricating yourself without the legal ramifications of trying to get out of an unwieldy marriage.
I too would love to know more about that 4 percent. . .
CC
I feel that women who are single are happier. Personally I think there are a lot of pressures once you are married to have kids and do it now. If you are single, sure there are pressures and people ask stupid questions, but your life is ultimately your own. Single women can come and go as they please, have a dynamic career without the pressures of family in the background, can travel at whim or basically do whatever she wants at whim. I see my friends who are married and cannot see how they are happier than me. And then there is the crippling partner by your side all the time (shuddering). I am very biased but rushing home to make dinner and always checking with your husband about plans (my number one annoyance with coupled peoples) does not look good. They might be happy in that they are never really alone physically but I feel being free, single and unencumbered is the best.
I think the important thing to remember is you can lump single people into one group, but there are sub-sets to this group. For example, 1. very happy to be living alone and single, they like or even love it that way. 2. single but always hopeful they will find someone to marry because they don't like it or love it that way. You can break it down into more groups. This is an interesting article that explains it perfectly, "The single life: Some people never find the love of their lives. And live to tell about it", Ellen McCarthy, Washington Post.
Single and absolutely happy about it. The 2nd happiest person I know is married to a wonderful man, no kids by choice. Another friend is happy because she has children, but not so much with the "marriage" part of the deal (though she didn't want to go with the other option of being a single mother.) Seems most of my "happy" friends are the single ones. The "happy" marrieds seem to be the exception. As is the case with anything, though, it's always going to depend on the individual and what they want from life.
I think it's kind of a meaningless survey they've done. I've always been happier during my truly man-free phases in life, but I would never claim I'm happier than marrieds. As you say, it all depends on the relationship and individual. Then there's the whole can of worms that is: define happiness. Is happiness having a wonderful relationship, or is it simply loving your kids despite being in a so-so relationship?
My more honest friends have stressed how much effort and compromise is involved in sustaining their marriages, but most people find loneliness crippling, so they'd never envy my life. I actually think, given that natural aversion most folks have to loneliness, that a lot more than 4% are willing to dive into a loveless marriage. My mother did just that, and proceeded to breed relentlessly with the man she never loved. I don't believe she's that rare. I think once women are seriously clucky, it's a case of "love" the one you're with.
I know myself, and know for a fact that having kids would not have made me happy. And as I get older, with the help of my supportive spinster "family" here online, I am happy with what is now, officially, my ultimate decision. But I know I'm an aberration, so I'd never assume I'm happier than the married brigade. However, I will continue to tell them to my dying day that I am deliriously happy, just to counter their prejudices and pity. Even during those times I'm not. Then I'll tick the happy box in the surveys.
I don't think being married or single makes a person happy or unhappy in itself. People who think about what they actually want in life instead of buying into the one-size-fits-all life are going to be the happy ones.
Women are told that once they're married they have to take care of the cooking and cleaning, put aside their careers, spend all thier free time with their husbands, give up their freedom, ask their husbands permission before doing anything, and have children (which they will be most responsible for) all while keeping the romance alive.
Frankly, that's my idea of hell.
I think happy marrieds and happy singles are equal in happiness, but I also think that unhappy singles are happier than unhappy marrieds. I do believe it's more common to be unhappy in a marriage just because more people get married than not.
I did know a happy couple that didn't marry for love. Neither one of them where the romantic type, but they both really wanted to be parents. The way they explained it to me is that most married people are going to fall out of love. So why not just find someone you can be friends and roommates with at the start?
It's not what I'd chose for myself, but it seemed to work for them.
This is so hard to generalize about, but people seem to like to do it anyway. I've been uhappily married, fairly happily single, and now blissfully remarried with someone who's perfect for me.
Of my friends, most appear to be happily married. Of course, I don't know what goes on behind the scenes, but they seem content, don't complain a lot, and most have been married for over ten years, with children.
I only have two friends I could call truly unhappy- one is married, and one is single. I think they're both the kind of people who probably wouldn't be happy, no matter what they did.
I wish we could see just a little more live and let live from all camps. All kinds of lifestyles are valid; just because one wouldn't work for you doesn't mean it won't work perfectly for someone else.
I just wrote a post about how much this is in the news lately and there are two things that seem to come up. 1) people seeming to want an explanation as to why so many women are single without asking the same question about men and 2) the issue is still being looked at as either/or. Either you want to be married or you don't. Like you, I think there are so many options between those two choices. I do date and I've had one or two that I see very regularly but I don't want to be married and I REALLY don't want to live with anyone.
I know people who are married quite happily just as I know single people who are not at all happy about their situation. I also know many folks who are married and miserable and others who are single and happy. Really, it is all about personal choice. Maybe that is what we need to be working on...accepting people for who they are and let them decide for themselves what makes them happy.
Love your blog as always!
I think the 4% are mostly women who have not been able to avoid the idea that marriage is socially validating. I have one single friend who has been known to say to women going through divorces "at least you can say you were married once." For her, being single is evidence that she has failed at one of the most important goals our culture sets for women (her Ph.D., books, career, travel, and friends be damned).
As long as we have choices, I think we are likely to see ourselves as happy, but anyone who feels trapped in marriage or trapped outside of it is likely to be unhappy.
Living in a time when divorce rates are skyrocketing and more people choose to cohabitate- this poll is very interesting to me.
I am divorced after eight years marriage and last November- resolved to date myself. Do I meet my own high standards? Do I like or love who I am? And what do I want to attract in my life?
For the first time in my life I can now say that I DO love who and where I am in my life as a single woman. I settled in my marriage for a man I didn't truly love and had very little to grow on. While having someone home at night was nice- more often we argued and I felt unfulfilled.
Now I do not have to accomodate anyone unless I choose to into my schedule, and the few dates I've been on help my reaffirm that what I want is that best friend-ease of high school boyfriend love. Souonds silly to some but honestly, things were so much simpler when I dated my best guy friend in high school. It was more about enjoying eachother and our friends as people and not sexual objects or "property". Knowing what I know now- its' hard to believe I was ever so insecure and unhappy to settle. Settling never does ANYONE any favors.
In loving myself I am open to love from the universe and it has simplified things so much!
I thought I would update you on my weekend. I was speaking to some girlfriends over brunch yesterday and this question popped up. It just came up really and the answers were not really shocking. My one friend who has a 6 and 2 year old and has been married for a long time said a resounding yes that single women are happier. Then my other single, like me, friend said hell yes she is happier. She loves that she can do what she wants whenever she wants. She feels it is the best life ever. She travels like crazy, goes out with friends on whims, is a huge movie buff. She loves her life so much. Ok, just had to pass that bit of information onto you.
Married or single, your happiness is up to you. If you can't be happy when you're single, how are you going to be any happier when you're married? Depending on someone else for your happiness just set yourself up for failure.
I am happily single...for now.
Hi ladies. I think it really depends on the person. I have happily married friends and I have happy single friends too. I am divorced for six years and have three semi-grown children. So I am not really alone...ever. Lol. But I love my alone time and I love not having to compromise or check in with anyone about my plans. I have had both experiences and at this moment in my life (mid 40's) I love being single and can't imagine ever marrying again. Long term relationship without really living together except for some nice long weekends here and there sounds perfect.
This question makes no sense along with all of the questions that ask are ___ happier than ____. It's like asking are runners happier than cyclists? Are cooks happier than interior decorators? At the end of the day, the people who are happier are the ones who are doing what makes them happy. So if you're single and you want be single and you like being single, you're happier than someone who is married and isn't enjoying it, and vice versa. There is no one answer to this question, and it always makes me wonder why we put so much weight on it. Whether married or single, the people who are happiest are the ones who are doing what makes them happy.
How can one speak on another's happiness? How do you know how anyone feels other than yourself? This is a crazy survey.
I can only speak for myself: I'm happier as a married person in my late 30s than I was as a single person in my early 30s. I was content and happy as a single person in my 20s, but I desired a serious relationship around 32. I had no idea I'd meet someone and actually marry him a year later, but I did know that my heart wanted a soulmate.
I have friends who are happily married, unhappily married, happily single, and unhappily single. So...*shrug*
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