I think online dating is fantastic, in theory. In practice it's a lot more tricky. When online dating first appeared, it had a stigma attached. It was weird. Creepy even. I recall that a handsome successful guy I knew was doing it when online dating was in its infancy and I remember thinking "what's wrong with him"? Online dating back then was so new and different that most people didn't quite know what to make of it. (Some still don't.)
But then it became rather normal. I joined a site or three and came to really like it. I liked that these sites gave me the opportunity to meet a lot of interesting and fun guys who I would never have encountered in my ordinary travels. What I liked most was that online dating was still new enough that only guys who were looking for a serious relationship were using it. I met several long-ish term boyfriends that way
That's all changed now. Online dating sites are filled with all kinds of people: the serious, the-not-serious, the curious, the-not-really-available, clowns, and guys who just make stuff up. It's not fun anymore.
And the sites aren't helping. They all pretend to send you "good matches" that are right for you, but it's clear they know nothing about me. My profile says what I'm looking for, and what characteristics I desire. (And, no, I'm not asking for a lot). Judging by the so-called Matches they send to me, it is clear that whoever is making this decision (it's probably automated) can't or won't read.
Match.com, daily, recommended for me matches to men who indicated they wanted a white woman. I'm not white. OKCupid.com keeps suggesting guys who are looking for women in an age range that is not mine or who want to have kids...which I don't. It's starting to feel a little scam-ish.
So, I'm tired. I don't need to spend my time online sorting thru men I don't want to go out with...and who don't really want to go out with me.
I do still think online dating can be cool. One of my friends married a great lady last year who he met online. Another is engaged to a woman he met online, and a girlfriend is in a serious relationship with a guy she met online a few months ago...so it's not all bad...I may return...but right now these online sites who pretend to help but really don't can
Are you having any better luck? We need a little inspiration...
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30 comments:
I have been on these sites for a bit now and it seems that the men in my age group are not serious. They want a casual hook-up and that is not what I am looking for. My age range is late 20's. I am so frustrated because I seem to be wasting my time. Just because you buy me dinner (if they do that!) does not mean I will go down on you later. I feel like these sites are for prostitutes now because I feel like these guys are treating me like one. So, I am done with online dating as well. Actually, I think I am done with just dating in general for awhile.
Interesting but I can totally see how that evolution could happen. I have always been curious if these really work. E-Harmony and Match.com seem like they'd be good but I guess not.
The positive spin that is constantly put on online dating riles me to the point where I'm starting my own blog about it (I've been meaning to for a while). When your anonymous poster used the prostitute analogy, she was spot-on. Here in Australia we actually see the stats to back that theory up. Prostitution is legal here in NSW, and brothels are going out of business all over the state. The industry's finished. While it took the owners years to recognise it, the reason is not the GFC (we never had one here), but ONLINE DATING - and they'll now admit that openly.
Take my last experience - one of many, MANY similar encounters. This guy, 51, went on a few dates with me, we got along like a house on fire, but the third date was at his house. Stupidly I agreed, but hey, I figured we're all grown-ups here. What ensued was a decidedly empty, somewhat pornographic encounter that I would've been happy with had I been charging by the hour. Oh, and surprise surprise, he dumped me after that, explaining that he'd just wanted sex. In the lead-up I'd had the usual sob story about how he hadn't had it in 10 years or whatever. I truly thought this one had potential. That's where I come unstuck. Always.
You are correct in your observations, and what is now needed is for women to wise up and revert back to "old-fashioned values". Be more selective. Don't put out for a minimum of six dates. Silly game playing? Well, you could always get used, wind up an emotional wreck, and become as jaded about love as we're getting.
Oh, you DO want easy sex every now and then? OK, well forget the ones you think are keepers. Grab a toyboy for the night from an adult friend site. This is my new approach and it works.
Online dating is nothing short of a revolution and as a woman, I feel the game is changing very much in their favour, not mine. You think about it - throughout history, men have been driven by having to hunt and chase and win the woman. Now, they get online and click to score a date, with the easy prospect of sex, frequently that night. They don't even have to pay for dinner, and these days most know they don't. So they arrange "drinks" or "coffee". Why is nobody questioning the consequences of that for modern relationships? I believe it's profound. I'd love to hear other comments on this.
I recently tried match...the first thing I learned is most men have no manners! And I'm in the "late 50's age group. It was kinda fun emailing and getting to know a few men, but come on guys..learn to spell! You list a graduate degree, prove to me you actually have it. And those pictures! I don't want to see you shirtless next to your new boat, I don't want to see your new Corvette or Harley and I don't want to see you in a ball cap. (If you're bald, please don't cover up with a hat.) I want to see is your smile. The next time I write my profile for an on-line dating site, I'm not going to write about myself...I'm going to list what I want in a man. If they can't fulfill then don't click. AND, never again ask for my measurements!!
Oh wow - what timing! I ended a 22-year relationship last year and am now looking at getting back into having some sort of social life. I am early 60s and know exactly what I want and don't want. Thought eH might be good because of the lengthy questionnaire, but it sounds like maybe they ignore it? Hope not - because I am like all of you. No putting out - never did get into casual sex and now with all the health issues it scares the crap out of me. I want a companion first, a lover second. I like the idea of "shopping" for what I want, especially since I live in a rural area, rather than heavily populated. What else do you suggest?
I sure hope Janine includes some type of "Angie's List" in her blog. You know, plug in the name of the guy you met from match/eH, and rate him based on class, manners, etc.
Anonymous #1 DITTO 1000% OMG If I would not have known better I would have thought I would have wrote that post !! (oh I am 50 years old btw lol) The men in my "age" group 40 to 60 years old are the darn same. I can not tell you how much time I have wasted on text messages or e mail's about how are you ect.. Then all of a sudden it is "So where can we have sex at ? Your place?" WOW no where do I tell you I want an intimate relationship or sex only. And I am not on an Adult "friend" site either. Yes this is match.com. and Plenty of Fish. I am DONE with the dating sites on line.
Hi Spinsterlicious Life! Love your blog!
Online dating is like job hunting you've gotta put in the hours you don't win if you don't play...might be burn out its okay to take a break.
I think it works as another channel to meet men. The secret is vetting, of course. Some men just want an email pen pal diversion, many truly aren't wanting to meet, just waste time.
Some want free nookie delivered to their house so women do have to read those profiles CAREFULLY.
NO SEX FOR FIRST MONTH -MINIMUM no exceptions! Most women really don't get it-men will have sex with women that they loathe! Just cause he wants to have sex with you means caca. Ignore it.
Get to know him.
If he just wants to meet without talking, beware.
If he disses his ex from jump street, beware.
If he lives through text, never picks up phone to call, beware.
If an online guy hasn't asked for your phone number after about 5 emails, he's not into you.
If, after talking to you he never makes a date, move on.
If he disses you in any way at the start -rude, foul language, dismissive= bail out.
Ignore winks and flirts. He must contact you with a short personal note.
Trust and then verify!
So...while vetting online dudes a lady must always prowl and flirt during the day to day, smiling to all.
How do you know if he's a nice guy? Absence of drama. None of that roller-coaster stuff. He calls when he says he will, is a person of his word.
Remember, we just want to find ONE good man, thats all it takes. One good man with CHARACTER-reveals itself in time.
Good luck to all with their searches!
I've been on a few different dating sites for a few years now. I've never met anyone who was in any way suitable. I even signed up for a dating site specifically for childfree people, but there are so few people on the site as a whole, that there aren't any people in my area in my age range.
A couple of months ago, I deleted all of my accounts, and I won't be signing up for any dating sites again.
I find that what works best for me is when I meet someone in person when I'm out with friends or something, and go from there. Meeting someone from online is too nerve-wracking.
I find online dating really productive for one reason: figuring out what I am looking for and what I am putting out there.
I put up a profile and then I wait to see what the response is. Sometimes what we put out there isn't totally honest. I find out right away if I am being dishonest with myself about what I want based on the responses I get.
Aside from that, I think it can be useful if you are someone who likes to date. But I don't like to date. I prefer the long term to the short-term and meeting new people takes a lot of energy. I always feel like I have to "try" and be a good date. Of course if I feel like I am trying it is most likely because the date sucks.
Ideally it would be wonderful to meet someone while doing something that I love. But since so many of my endeavors are solitary, it is sometimes hard to meet someone that way. Also, I find it hard to tell if people are single or genuine in the "real world". And I've encountered so many creeps that I tend to be pretty closed off in public. So if a guy tried to chat me up in, say, the grocery store, I would be on high alert and might not be too friendly.
At least with online dating, people have to "declare" their intentions on their profile.
I agree with Singlutionary -- online sites help you start to figure out what you want and don't want. That is about all the value there is in eH and others. I laughed at the Nov 5 comment from Anonymous -- shirtless next to the boat or Harley. That is so true! Not appealing. And also true is the fact that the matching doesn't quite work. I say "no children" and then because the man has children half-time he becomes a match.
Also not appealing, "sex" being one of the the "five things you can't live without". Really? Class it up men. We aren't on a "friends having dinner with friends" site. Delete, delete, delete. I guess it is good that you know instantly what that guy wants.
And here is the sad part. The women I know who try online dating are all really deserving wonderful capable and not-at-all insane, datable women. I keep getting the impression that the men want either just sex or fantasy women for awhile.
Seems to me that the online dating world is no different than trolling a bar.
Ms. Anonyous:
Try meetup.com
It's a site devote to different interest groups for meeting new people, men and women. There is also another meetin.org site that is similiar. I personally like meetup. If you are in a large city there are groups that appeal to most anyone's taste/preference.
Nothing beats the old fashion in-person "getting to know you" that meetup offers and in a non-threatening environment.
Can't hurt to check out the website(s)...
Love the comments ladies! Thank you! I have tried online dating a couple of times in the last several years and never met anyone I was really interested in either. To me, match.com is an online bar with lots of grazers and e-harmony is downright sexist-- always pairing you with men 8-10 years your senior! My girlfriends always told me I was taking it too seriously and "not having enough fun with it." Well, I am sorry, but if I am spending my precious time and money on something, I will take it seriously. I guess for me, it was decidedly NOT fun after a while, so I stopped. There's a new site called
marrymealready.com started by a good-looking couple who met through friends. What does that tell ya? Still, some of you have posted some wonderful advice for online dating, so if I decide I want to be bothered again, I'll be sure to re-read them. Thanks ladies and thanks Spinsterlicious!
Just wanted to chime in here with something to think about BEFORE you decide to sign-up for a dating site:
If these sites REALLY worked for the majority of people; 1)Why are there so many different ones?? 2)How do they stay in business??
Also, I totally agree with the comparison to prostitution!!!!
I have not been on ONE online date that has not lied about his age, height, weight and/or what kind of relationship he is looking for. I've been 'online dating' off and on for the past two years. I've changed my profile several times thinking I must have written something to attract the wrong kind of guys. I tried all the popular dating websites. I can tolerate a lot of different things, but a liar is not one of them. The minute I catch them in a lie, I'm gone. The last guy, who I dated because he claimed he wanted a long-term relationship, really didn't want a relationship at all. Needless to say we broke up when it became apparent and I called him out on his dishonesty. Ladies look out cause he's back online! He changed the following verbiage on his profile - "I'm so ready for a relationship" to "I'm looking for a women who is really ready for a relationship". Give me a break! Does he really believe his is being honest now because he doesn't say HE wants a relationship? I'm finding that men (all ages) just want to hook up but they don't want to be with women who are in the habit of hooking up. So they lie and tell women want they want to hear - RELATIONSHIP. Sure there may be a needle in that haystack, but who wants to spend 99% of your time with jerks looking for "the one". I've got better things to do with my time.
If these websites didn't work for you to find the right person, then you can move on and use other dating sites. There are plenty of them like millionaire dating. You might find your one and true love on this website.
There's so much homework and stalking to be done to make online dating work. Other than that, body language is also a major factor in really getting to know someone and there's none of that online.
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Very good blog and comments. I have used a couple online dating services spanning about 10 months. Met some truly great ladies but only "clicked" with one. (Outcome uncertain, even after 17 months as we are both learning/growing a great deal as a result of our chemistry and not quite ready to move-in or marry). My take on dating online is that it probably works for the more "mainstream" types (not that there's anything wrong with that!) but fails miserably for those of more substance, i.e., people who are very serious (and capable of) a more multi-dimensional exchange. I think for those people the best you can hope for is to find someone who wants to travel the more demanding/rewarding road....and for some reason that quality is rare and very hard to find...period!
Good luck to all!
Oh, Janine you must start a blog...would love to read it...as suggested by one of commenters here, an 'Angies list' would be good, too. I saw an ex boyfriend online, he had 2 profiles on same site at same time..one said "Quiescence; WAtch out, I'm trouble." (at least true...haha) the other one designed to catch the women who want serious relats (mentioned the s word...spiritual ( ialways am sus when i read that owrd in profiles..i hink designed to cach women who think tha means they will be ethical etc.....both of his profiles had non matching info...different time frames for longest relationship, etc etc...I am told that happens a lot, double profiles....
I agree try meetup.com
My 3 friends and i found that eharmony didn't do what it said it would, matches were based on proximity, or very simple things like that, not anything else. plentyofish yielded the dangerous (one in process of Child safety case against him.), those simply wanting sex, and the mean (dont have to pay)I did meet 1 friend though....who i will intro to my friends who may like him. RSVP..lots of sleazes.
One friend in 60 plus age group found that all men she met put photos at least 10 years old on profile....
I am interested in the stats re prostitution in NSW...yes I believe that's true...that men can use dating sites to get instant sex, and an ego boost at same time.
Plenty Of Fish is S**T!!! I was on it 6 years ago and all the guy's wanted then was sex so I deleted my profile. November of last year my friend was dating a couple of decent men so I asked her where did you meet these men? She said I have a profile on POF!! I nearly fell off my chair. No way. We went back to her house looked up her profile I was reading it was written nice for a high school teacher and a couple of pictures were included. I went home that evening kinda wrote something to that effect like her profile to match mine, tried to find two pictures like her's and put them on my profile and posted it on POF. I was not on the damn site 3 minutes and some guy was instant mess. me asking to meet me THAT NITE!!! I refused but set up a date for the next Saturday. It did not go well at all. We were going to lunch and a movie and he was going to drop his kid's off at a theme park over by my house so I said just pick me up here. First he arrived in muddy, dirty sweats AND looked NOTHING like his picture at all. Second he had his 100 lb German Shepard Dog with him AND the best part of it HE lives 30 minutes away from me!! I said We are going to eat lunch and the movie What are we going to do with the dog? He said I had to walk her I said YOU LIVE 30 minutes away from me !!! Take your damn dog and go the hell home!!! and slammed the door in his face. God knows what the heck he wanted me to do that afternoon. I went to my laptop and deleted me POF profile and have never opened another one again and WILL NEVER AGAIN as long as I live.
I'm a 59 y.o. male. I think the three dating sites I've tried are overrated, to say the least. I've tried to be selective, but the large majority of women that I've tried to contact don't even bother to reply. The few I've actually met have had "issues" such as major health problems, financial troubles, obvious prior relationship baggage, or the like. Their attitudes seem to be along the lines of there are so many eager, wonderful men, that they're doing me a big favor to just respond.
For the record, I'm 6', 160 lbs.. I'm healthy, active, capable, and I have many interests. I'm stable, psychologically aware, flexible, and open to trying out new ideas. I'm also at the tail of the intelligence and the wealth curves.
I have some acquaintance with how to make a long-term relationship work. I lost my partner to a lengthy illness several years ago, and I also understand what it's like when the going gets tough.
Given my experiences, I can see why many become jaded, or just give up. The problem with that approach is that it becomes that much more difficult to find the Grail. The time to share, and to develop relationship grows shorter.
Wow. Now I'm scared! A bit :) I met a lovely guy on eharmony, and am still seeing him. He's the only one I met more than once, and I only met 3 others (in person) who all seemed very nice! True, you don't know a lot of someone's background apart from what they tell you. But then, you don't need to get involved until you've met a friend / family / as many as you like (and your own have, so they can juice out any issue you might have overlooked....). I've never done online set-ups before, but frankly I loved my eharmony experience. Taught me a lot about myself, as well as those I was engaging with. From previous romantic relationships, I can honestly say so far this is the happiest I've been in one - and all the others I met in what people might call standard ways (at uni., at a club, through friends) - and stuff always comes out as you get to know someone (!) - I had to put an exclamation mark in there! - figure you can trust your own (and good pals') judgement as you get to know someone online (before meeting them in person). Also, someone can give quite a lot away about themselves which means you can google and test the truth (which I did with a couple of guys before I met them - one was a professional sports guy so he was easy to find, and a very nice chap too, not the one I am now seeing though). Guess any way of meeting someone can be scary - sometimes your friends set you up, but they don't always know you / what you want as well as you know yourself / what you want. I figure taking care with it all, can make it good :) But who knows, I may end up posting here after some chaos has ensued!! Ha ha, let's see ;)
@Kath: Don't be afraid. There are a few clowns online (as elsewhere), but that doesn't mean you didn't find a good guy. Online dating can work, it just doesn't work as well as I would like it to. Good luck to you and the guy.
Hi!
I went on a dating site once. The first two were no-goes. the third... we moved in together 9 weeks after meeting. Now, after almost 4 years, we are getting married next month.
I am fat, disabled and almost 40 with no income, as I am a post graduate student.
He is cute, with a large income who treats me like a princess. Sex is amazing.
"downsides'?
He's a little short (160cm)
Other girls rejected him because of his height.
I would like to thank each and every one of them.
I couldn't be happier, he truly is my prince charming.
Now, are you maybe rejecting your perfect match over something so trivial as height/weight/look?
Personally, I have never had any luck with online websites. A few years ago I used to find dates, but not anything emotionally connective. Now, it seems like all I run into are men twice my age who admit to being married and almost certainly scamming disability, but will argue with you if you are adamantly clear about not wanting to have an affair. Yes, these are the major websites that I'm talking about. Not anything designed for that purpose. I even had married male friends read my profile to make sure I wasn't sending the wrong signals. I even had women who wanted an "extra" person in bed to satisfy their man contact me. Its really much too much to cope with.
I think the fact remains that those who default to online dating are those who cannot express themselves in person. If they can, why go online to find true love anyway. Unless it's not really love they are after for.
To put it simply, I think online dating keeps singles suspended in mid air and doesn't help at all. It has lost its luster for sure.
The problem is if people have been doing it long enough, they become "jaded" and even if you were a holy angel sent from above they would be skeptical of you.
Not to mention, the older you get you are peppered with more questions and criticisms for being single. It just doesn't get any easier. :(
Prayers anyone?
Well, I heard you on the radio today while traveling in Los Angeles (Larry Elder Show fill in host).
I agree with you about online dating. Having been married three times and with three children I can appreciate your view of being single.
Dating sites like Eharmony are OK but in reality I find most of the folks to be picky and shallow. I think that folks on those sites are looking for hope and most to find hope of a Prince Charming or Cinderella.
After 50, life is too damn short to spend your time playing games.
Not sure I will ever marry again, I don't think that is necessary.
I agreed with most of the points which you made on the radio today.
I had been dating online for a year and now understand it was a mistake. Fortunately, I had one more experiance and it was a success. Maybe, the deal is that sometimes this online dating is fate? If it is so, you'll surely meet each other in real life)
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