The Spinsterlicious Life (R): Advice, Opinions

SHOULD WE CUT GRANDPA SOME SLACK?

I received this note from one of my favorite readers:

I had to read it twice, though, to really understand what she was saying. On the surface, she spoke about wanting acknowledgement from her grandfather for being a great aunt to her sister's kids. I think what it is really about, though, is that grandpa doesn't know --and therefore can't acknowledge-- the real pain she feels of not having the kids she really wants. But I'm sure he doesn't know…maybe because she hasn't really told him. So he made an assumption.

He got it wrong. This happens a lot, but oftentimes I think people just don't know any better. When you don't do what is "expected" of you --in this case, not having a husband or children --how do you manage the assumptions or questions from others? Do you tirelessly explain to each and every one why you haven't followed the societal norm? Or do you just get annoyed/angry.

And perhaps, worse, does it hurt your feelings because you're constantly forced to confront the fact that you don't have the husband and/or kids you want so much?

This isn't my deal because I've chosen not to get married or have kids, but this reader did not make this choice, it was made for her. So, I kinda don't know what to say, so I'm putting the question to you.

What would you say to a dear friend who presented this same scenario to you?

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APOLOGIES TO ALL...IN ADVANCE

Apologies for this post. Apologies to you, dear reader, who might find it in poor taste and apologies to the woman who wrote me asking for my advice, in case she feels I embarrassed her. I'm often asked for advice; I usually respond off-line, but sometimes I post about it. (See Life's Too Short and Short Stint As An Advice Columnist). I'm not a professional in this regard, I'm just a woman with an opinion. This time, though, I was stumped. Not so much about what to do in the immediate situation, but more about the subtext.

So, here's what I'm going to do. Below is the letter. I'm asking you guys to answer it:

"I'm sitting at a bar by myself and I just ordered a cocktail after a hectic week. I'm shocked this was my first one in a few days. That's so unlike me. That just shows how busy I've been. I do not mind sitting alone but two really fat women just sat next to me. Is it wrong if I move? I'm hoping some cute boy might come along and buy me a drink. That's less likely to happen with [these big women*] sitting next to me." (*I re-worded a disparaging term for something more neutral].

What would you have said, if you received this note? I'm dying to "hear".

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LIFE'S TOO SHORT

Following is an exchange I had with a Spinsterlicious fan today. I'm curious to know what y'all think:

Dear Spinsterlicious,

I have to visit my hometown this weekend and I’m only in town for a brief time. I usually try to cram in catching up with as many of my family and friends as possible, particularly since I do not go home very often. I asked one of my best friends if he had time for me Friday evening. I’m already somewhat annoyed that we can’t hook up until 9:15pm because he has caipoeira class that evening which, by the way, I think he should skip since I’m only in town twice a year, but on top of that, he wants to bring his girlfriend. She probably won’t last until the end of the year and now I have to make small talk with this chick. I really do not want to spend my precious little time with my friend trying to keep the conversation PG because his girl is there.

Am I wrong for not wanting to hang out with her and seriously thinking about bumping him off the schedule for another friend?

Here's my response:

I totally feel you. I would like to say that you should just suck it up and get together with him and his girlfriend, especially since he's such a good friend. However, that's the grown-up me talking. The real me says "blow them off"...but you can't tell him why. Life's too short to be spending an evening with somebody you don't feel like being bothered with who is not going to be a significant person in your life. Catch him next time.

Part of me wishes that I'd said something like "oh, you should be bigger than that. Get together with them both and try to make a fun evening of it"...but I would have been insincere because it's probably not what I would have done. What would you have done?

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OF COURSE HE'S PAYING FOR DINNER
I was talking to a friend the other day who had gone on a first date with a guy she'd just met. They had a great dinner at a restaurant he'd chosen, and she hoped to see him again. She was telling a funny story about some mix-up with the check and how they sorted it out when I realized that they had split the bill. "Wait, he didn't pay for your dinner?", I said incredulously. "Well, no", she said, and went on to explain that she offered to pay for her own dinner and he accepted. I asked her if she thought there had been a romantic spark between them because, as far as I was concerned, they hadn't been on a date. They were just two friends having dinner.

In my opinion, the guy pays on the first date. No exceptions. That's what differentiates it from two platonic friends hanging out. That's what makes it a date.

I don't think the guy has to pay for every dinner date, but he should pay for the first one. I always offer to pay for my meal on the first date and it's not a half-hearted offer. I mean it. What's unsaid, though, is that if he accepts then there will be no second date.

And you know what, that's almost never an issue. I've probably only gone out with 1-2 men in my lengthy dating life who allowed me to pay for my own meal on a first date. Even when it was pretty clear that we might not see each other again, most guys I've gone out with insist on paying.

I have noticed that this whole splitting-the-bill thing is often a function of the generational divide. In my experience, guys over, say, 45 usually insist on paying. It's only when I'm out with much younger men that they seem to be confused about their responsibility in this situation (confused is my word, probably not theirs). I blame feminism because younger guys grew up in a time when "equality for women" was supposedly accepted, and they're taking it a little too literally and apparently think it applies to dating. And I very much consider myself a feminist...I'm just not paying for my dinner.

What do y'all think? Who pays for the first date? Please take the poll to the right, and also add a comment telling me why you voted the way you did.

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TO SEX -OR- NOT TO SEX?
As I’m writing this, I’m a little amused that my girlfriends and I are still discussing when to have sex with a new guy. But the other night, I had a long conversation with a good friend who was near tears because the man she slept with a couple of weeks ago has not called since. Yep, at this age we’re still having this conversation.

I have this conversation quite a bit and for some reason, I’m usually the one giving the advice. I say “for some reason,” but I actually know the reason: I’ve been single all my life, am good at dating, and I feel like I’ve got this aspect of dating all figured out. There are other parts of dating life that I don’t always get—like the way men want you to need them but don’t want you to be needy—but this one I do. So I’m going to take this opportunity to share with the many single women out there what I know about how to make the decision to roll around naked with the New Guy for the first time.

That’s right. A decision tree, for this not-usually-rational decision. When you have to make an important decision at work, you generally think about it ahead of time and seriously weigh the different outcomes. You don’t decide at the last minute. This decision should be no different.

Here’s a scenario. You’re at a bar/party/conference/car wash/restaurant…wherever. You and “Scott” strike up a conversation and seem to hit it off. There’s lots of laughing, flirting, and witty conversation. At some point it becomes clear to both of you that you may want to dial things up a bit, either right now or very soon.

The “sex too soon” thing is something that only women grapple with. I’ve never heard a guy wonder how “when to have sex” will impact the relationship-that-is-yet-to-be. But the world’s not fair—we already know that. Follow my advice, though, and it should help you avoid getting your feelings hurt.

The thought process is not a straight line, though. It’s more of a schematic. So pay attention, and be honest with yourself.

The first thing to ask yourself is: “What do I want from this guy?” (Caution: if you’re feeling really lonely, you probably should skip this exercise completely. Sex-because-you’re-lonely will probably make you feel even lonelier afterwards).

Once you decide what you want, you can decide your next course of action.

This is by no means foolproof. But I think it’s a pretty reasonable facsimile of the way things shake out much of the time. Go ahead and do your thing . . . and let me know if it works for you.

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CAN YOU SAY YOUR MATE IS FAT?
Several years ago, one of my best friends, Charlotte, gained quite a bit of weight. Although we talk about everything, I watched her get bigger and bigger but I didn't say anything because I didn't think I was supposed to.   Every television talk show has had an episode where people were admonished for bringing up a friend's/family member's weight.   We are told "don't do it". So I didn't.   I wondered what the heck was going on but I said nothing.   So imagine my surprise a few months later when she yelled at me over lunch for not pointing out her weight gain. The conversation went something like this:

Charlotte: Did you notice that I gained weight?

Me: Of course.

Charlotte: Well, why the f*&^ didn't you say something?

Me: I didn't think i was supposed to.

Charlotte:   Why not? You're supposed to be my friend. Why wouldn't you say something, for chrissakes?!

Me: (laughing) You knew you were fat. You knew it before I did.   What were you seeing when you were naked in front of the mirror?

Charlotte: I don't know. I guess I wasn't paying attention, but I would think a good friend would call my attention to it instead of just letting me get bigger and bigger.

She went on to say her husband finally said something to her and that she was now trying to correct it but she would have preferred I said something as soon as I noticed. I pointed out to her that I think her husband --moreso than me-- is the person who should say something.   She made me promise that I would tell her the next time she started to pork up and so I did. She appreciated it.

Charlotte and I still laugh about this, but I think she's unusual in that way. I don't think most people want to have their weight gain pointed out to them.   Which leads me to this next situation. My friend, Janis, has a friend who is concerned about his girlfriend's weight gain. They've been living together for about six months and he is troubled by the weight she has put on during that time. So he asked Janis if he should say something to her. Janis wasn't sure, so she posted a Facebook poll to ask some of her friends what they thought. The responses were interesting, with the vast majority saying a resounding NO.

I was one of those in the minority because I think he should say something to her. In fact, I think he has to.   When one-half of a couple is bothered by something about the other half, it's going to come out one way or another.   When people don't voice their concerns, they usually act them out and that's worse. We all know what it's like to be with someone who's acting strange, being different but he/she isn't saying anything. You know something's wrong but you dont' know what. That's what would happen here. If he doesn't say to her that her weight gain is bothering him, he will show her and I think that's more hurtful. I say "man up" and say what's on your mind. Be sensitive, be caring, but be straight with her. It'll clear the air and keep him from glaring at her belly or rolling his eyes every time she reaches for a cookie.

I was with an ex- recently and noticed that he'd put on quite a bit of weight. I hadn't quite decided how far this reconnection was going to go, but I do recall being somewhat taken aback by the size of his gut when he took his shirt off while working in the yard.   I thought "ooh, that's not good".   I couldn't decide what to say or how to say it so I said nothing but I wasn't thrilled. Fortunately, it became clear pretty quickly that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to re-start the relationship so his weight gain became a moot point... but I couldn't help but wonder if it would have been inappropriate to say something. Part of my concern was appearance and part of it was health. It's been proven that weight gain around the middle, in particular, is not a good thing from a health perspective.   But I know people talk the health angle when what they're really thinking about is the appearance. The health thing is really only a concern if we're going to be together long-term. The immediate issue was that it just didn't look good. I'm not sure it should matter but I felt like it might. (Yeah, I was having a shallow moment).

I don't think it's fair to mention being bothered by someone's weight gain if you entered the relationship knowing your partner has weight "issues".   However, a normally slim/fit person who gains 40 pounds changes the equation and I think it's fair to say something.

But I was surprised at how many people, mostly women, were adamant that weight is off- limits as a "something's bothering me" subject, no matter what. What do you think?

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SHORT STINT AS AN ADVICE COLUMINIST

Ms. Ann Landers, the Queen of All Advice Columnists

I am not related to Ann Landers, but for some reason, I am often asked by young women for my advice on life and love. It's flattering because it means that they admire something I've done and think I must know what I'm talking about. Most of them are 15+ years younger than I am and I would think they'd see my advice as "old lady advice", but they don't. When I was a young woman, it would never have occurred to me to ask a much-older woman for her advice on men or career. I think I would have thought times had changed too much and her thinking would be old-fashioned.

It's nice to be asked and in the past month or so, I've found myself happily sharing my opinions with some young 'uns who wanted to know my thoughts. I say "happily" because I usually have an opinion on most things, but people don't always want to know what it is. In these three cases, they all wanted advice on having, as G called it: "a life that doesn't suck". Two of them were specific: marriage or not? This is clearly a sign of the times because, since the dawn of (wo)man, marriage was usually just assumed (not by me, but by most people).

I take these conversations seriously because I don't want one of these young women to end up with a life that does suck and it's my fault, so I try really hard to share lessons from my own life but to also weave in my observations, what I've learned from other people, and stuff I've read or picked up along the way. I promised one of them that I'd write it all down so here it is!

Marriage: I'm not anti-marriage. It didn't feel right for me, but I think it's right for a lot of people. I do think it's important to know why you want to do it. If the need to do so is coming from anywhere other than your own heart, then you should re-think it. Family pressures, societal rules, and/or a feeling that marriage will validate you are not good reasons and if you succumb to this you could end up really sad. (However, if you're from a very rich family who might cut you out of the family fortune if you don't marry Clive, then go ahead and marry him...then call me and we'll figure out a different plan for you). And while I don't think marriage is a necessity for everyone, I do think relationships are important. It is good to have someone to share the joys and trials of your life with...whether he's there forever or just for the time-being. This is probably the one thing I would have done differently: because I didn't want to get married, I never really bothered to learn how to be in a long-term relationship. I was usually good with "love 'im and leave 'im". Now I'm thinking the same guy for a long time would be nice.

Babies: Pretty much the exact same advice as above. Think hard about why you want one...or more than one. I do think you should be in a solid relationship. I also think you need to get over needing your own space because you won't get it.

Dating across the color line: I mostly think you should go out with whomever you mesh with. I usually encourage them to look beyond their "type". Young black women, in particular, should be open to relationships that don't look like what they expected. Basically, it's a numbers game.

Life in general: Build the best life for yourself that you can. That means find a job where you do something that you really enjoy or care about. It's miserable spending 8+ hours a day doing something you don't like. If you love travel, find a job where you'll travel or one that pays you enough so you can travel on your own. In other words, learn enough about yourself to know what you enjoy and then put the pieces in place that can make that happen. You probably shouldn't get married or have kids until you kinda know what these things are. So, for example, if being near the ocean makes you feel complete, don't move to Oklahoma. Look at a map and move somewhere where you're at least within a couple of hours reach of what you want.

Have a great circle of good friends. They make all the difference. But they have to really be friends. Not Facebook friends. Not fair-weather friends. Not friends who hurt you under the guise of being honest (aka "frenemies"). Real friends...who you trust and whose company you genuinely enjoy.

One of the most important lessons I've learned is "we teach people how to treat us". That means, if someone in your life repeatedly treats you poorly, it's because --in part-- you have accepted it. Think about it. This is not blaming the victim; it's about speaking up for yourself and not accepting treatment that's beneath you. Easier said than done, I know...but more legal than homicide.

So I don't start to sound too too preachy, I'm going to quit now. But if you have some wise words you want to share with a younger generation of women, please help me out. Send in your thoughts (or correct me where I'm wrong!)

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A LIFE LIST FOR THE SPINSTERLICIOUS CHICK
Every popular woman's magazine has, at some point, run a column about things a woman should know. One of my favorites, by Pamela Redmond Safran, ran in Glamour Magazine a few years ago (http://bit.ly/dFQgwf). In honor of her and every other list-maker, here's my version of what every Spinsterlicious Woman should know, have or do:

Know

A few people she can call when she wants to share news --good or bad-- or she just wants to talk
How to cook a weekend's worth of great meals, at least one of which can be served in bed
How to sew on a button, repair a hem...find a good tailor
Which color lipstick makes her eyes glow
A "placeholder" kind of guy
How to open a bottle of champagne...without the cork putting somebody's eye out

Have

An up-to-date passport
A pair of great-looking heels
A dress that makes everyone go "wow"
A job she enjoys
A couple of ex-es who can still make her laugh
A roadside assistance service

Take a fun vacation alone
Take vacations, in general
Mentor a girl/young woman
Flirt every now and then
Buy her own home

Help me build my list. What should we add?

To see (or add) comments for any of these posts, please do a "search" by title and scroll to the bottom of the post.

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