A couple of months ago I went to the wedding of a close friend. It was a small-ish affair and quite lovely. We were blessed with beautiful weather, the vibe amongst the guests was friendly, the food was bountiful, and the music was good. The pre-wedding reception was pleasant. Still, I felt a little weird. At first, I couldn't quite put my finger on where this feeling was coming from, but it became clear to me during the ceremony when they recited their vows.
No judgement here, but I couldn't help but wonder if she felt weird, too. As she recited these vows, I wondered if she had flashbacks to the first time, the second time she made this same promise. I felt a little sad and hopeful at the same time.
I wondered if she felt, "Gosh. I've failed at this before…" -or- was it more like "Look, if at first you don't succeed..." I hope it was the second one because it feels more upbeat, maybe with even a little humor mixed in.
I'm sure it's not just me. Have you experienced similar feelings at a "remarriage?"
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19 comments:
I walked down the aisle on icy cold feet the first time! Of course I was skeptical the second time. But to be honest - I think only those who are completely unaware of the world around them get married with a real, heartfelt belief in those vows. Maybe 60 years ago - now? I doubt it.
I consider myself too much of a realist to ever stand up in front of "God and everybody" and say "til death do us part". I think such delusions simply go with the territory and I take them with a pinch of salt. It's all terribly romantic, of course. Realistic is another matter!
What's disturbed me more in the past 5 years or so is a tendency I've noticed for women to revert to traditional, Biblical wording in their vows, essentially saying the wife will submit herself unto her own husband as unto the Lord. I've observed this in unions where the woman is highly educated. Submission in marriage... another possible topic, Eleanore?
Weddings - they give me the heebee geebees. And now all our queer friends want to jump on the bandwagon! Better start extending the credit card limit... Such expensive tastes!
Well, I don't know any people who have been married multiple times (at least not in my peer group...maybe my parents age..I guess) but I always cringe nonetheless when people say vows. I just get embarrassed at all the promises because really, they are rarely (at least in my eyes) stuck to. I just find that whole bit of weddings unbearable.
@Janine: I think your "submission in marriage" comment is really interesting. Why don't you do a guest blog post for us? I'm sure it'll be thought-provoking.
@Janine
If you read the actual passages in the Bible, it actually calls for mutual submission, wife to husband AND husband to wife. Only by each raising the other up is there any hope for equal footing.
@anon...yes, it does read that way...but all the times I've heard it referred to, in weddings AND in church services, the husband to wife part seems to get skimmed over..if not deleted altogether.
I am absolutely NOT a biblical scholar, but I just did a quick search. In both Peter and Ephesians, husbands are indeed told to submit to (or in one case respect) their wives - in one verse - accompanied by several verses giving detailed instructions for submission of women. @anon, if you missed it, it's because it went by so fast!
I too would be interested in reading a followup post on this subject!
I have the same problem with duos who write their own vows. They apparently will spend forever or the rest of their lives (presumably whichever comes first) loving and trying to make each other happy. That last part, trying to make each other happy, I think they believe and even enforce. Which leads to the second round of vows.
Ok, if someone is working on their third or fourth marriage (after divorces; deaths excluded), said person needs to realize the common denominator of all previous failed marriages was her (I use feminine). Time to attack the problem of "You" is way before entering another marriage. Honestly if you didn't get it right the 2nd time, I don't see your 3rd go-around as being successful.
@ Janine
The whole point of the submission to the husband by the wife is coupled with his unwavering and unstoppable love for her. It only really works when you have both. It says that the wife should submit to her husband and he should love her as Christ loves his church (his people, which is enough to live and die for her). It's really not that bad
-Christian Wife
As a woman that married for the 3rd time 6 yrs ago I can say that yes I did take those vows - that time and all of the previous times - seriously. First you don't know why she was divorced. I married very young to a man that beat me. Do I feel bad about leaving and breaking those vows - not one single bit. He is crazy and continues to be so. My second huband just up and announced one day he didn't like being married and answering to someone, thanks for the last 3 years of dinner, sex and laundry and moved in with him mother. Where he remains 10 yrs later. So I hope no one felt uncomfortable at my wedding. I didn't think about my prior 2 marriages that day, I was focused on the man I was marrying. So far - third times a charm :)
I have a very good friend getting married for the third time in a few months. I am very happy for her and her fiance but I have wondered the same thing as you wrote. I was present for the other two ceremonies and know she meant her vows when she gave them then. I do believe her fiance is much better suited for her and she is getting married for the right reasons. I love my friend dearly and wish them both happiness.
Weddings are always totes awkward for moi - and all singles no? I blogged about something similar a couple weeks ago. I've yet to attend a third time try!
Hm. I really hope my friends don't judge me for getting married a 2nd time. This is my story (quoted from the anonymous poster)
"First you don't know why she was divorced. I married very young to a man that beat me. Do I feel bad about leaving and breaking those vows - not one single bit. He is crazy and continues to be so."
That is my story. I am engaged again and will take my vows seriously again. It makes me sad to think that I am judged and will continue to be judged. I have had women I work with tell me that is b.s. to get married a 2nd time because I "obviously couldn't handle it the first time" or that "2nd marriages mean nothing." It hurts, but it is also strengthening to know that I will marry again for my love and it doesn't matter who judges or what they think. My love is my love.
A friend of mine is on her third husband. When he decided he no longer had an interest in sex, she started sleeping with her second ex husband. Ya just never know!!!
I think it really depends on the person. I'm about to go to a second wedding in a couple of weeks, and while there are obviously no guarantees, I think she learned a lot from the first time around, which makes all the difference.
I've only been married once (still happily married), but I have a question: how is being married multiple times any worse than being in multiple relationships? Is it worse to fornicate with, say, 6 different men over a 20 year span (I'm being conservative) or to sleep with 3 different husbands over a 20 year span...?
Of course, some people marry over and over again and just can't get it right. I have a girlfriend who's been married 7 times, and, well, she's crazy. But there are legitimate reasons for marrying 3 times. Sometimes the third time is the charm.
Am I any better than a thrice married woman because I waited until I was older and SUPER SURE before I married? Nope. I sure did sleep with various men before marriage, so what's the real difference? If we are speaking of breaking vows (which are, essentially, breaking promises to God) doesn't fornication, also, go against His spiritual plan as? Some women can't get it right when it comes to husbands. Some can't get it right when it comes to boyfriends. Tomato, tomahto.
I'd personally be too embarrased to have a big to-do for a 3rd marriage. If I was ever to get married even a 2nd time, which will NEVER, EVER, EVER happen, I'd still feel like the big deal was over with the first time through and another ceremony is kind of silly, even though my first ceremony was very tiny and low key.
After my horrible marriage and how it went from such high hopes and dreams to a very hard crash and burn, my outlook on marriage and hearing the promises made during the vows just make me sad. Watching two people who have no idea what they are getting into with a 50% or better chance they are going to go from being so happy to being so miserable and hating each other makes me avoid weddings whenever possible. I just feel marriage is pretty over-rated and in this day and age the vows are forgotten the minute the ceremony is over in most cases.
Of course I'm old school and when I said I was only going to do it (get married) once, I meant it. I also like to think I'm a quick learner and I learned the first time what a bad idea getting married was! lol
In this day and age, I'm actually shocked that we still have marriage at all, given how bad most people are at it, and what a ode to a patriarchal, controlling society it is. (How many men change their last name to the woman's? And I'm not talking about a hyphenate.) Originally marriage was a practical, legal contract primarily created for the protection of women and children, and to make property transfers easier. Our society has blown marriage (and the wedding industry)out of proportion. And guess what, if you fail the first, second, or fifth time, you can always try again, so how much weight do any of these silly ceremonies really carry?
I wish the multiple marriers would amend their vows to something more honest like "I promise to be married to you until I don't feel like it anymore, one of us gets fat, or finds someone better." And stop wearing white dresses or expecting the rest of us to buy gifts! :)
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