Wedding Survival Tips

I'm wasting a perfectly good Saturday this weekend to attend a wedding.  I always have such mixed feelings about these things.  The bride and groom are good friends of mine and I'm happy they've found each other (a Match.com success story), but weddings usually bore me:  it's like watching the same play over and over, just with different actors.  Of course there are moments of happiness, laughter, fun, and good food and drink, but it's spread over way too many hours of "not much".  I usually spend some of that time pondering ways to shorten a wedding and reception, start-to-finish, to 2-3 hours.  Most wedding events take twice that amount of time, during which I try hard to remain social while really wanting to tiptoe out…without being rude.

My "date" for this wedding is a good Spinsterlicious friend of mine.  Together, we'll figure out a way to make it fun.

The one thing I want to commend the bride on is that I, a single woman, was allowed to bring a guest.  Huge kudos to her because so many people don't extend this courtesy to single people and it annoys the heck out of me.  So much so that I've turned down some wedding invitations when I didn't want to go alone.  Other times, I've left early because I'm just not that good at working the room by myself and I no longer feel like I have to try, if I don't want to.

So it was really timely when someone sent me a link to this article by Meredith Goldstein in the Washington Post called Twelve Tips for Singles at Weddings.    The author gets it. I think her tips are smart.  Except for #11.  I think she must've been drinking when she wrote that one.

Anyway, here's a truncated, sometimes paraphrased,  version of her list.

1.  If you have to travel out of town, stay with the group.  Stay where other people are staying so that it's easy to be included in the pre- and post-wedding activities.

2.  Eat.  Enjoy the cake.  Don't deny yourself.

3.  If you're traveling, don't be cheap. Treat yourself to your own room.  Make it into a mini-vacation.

4. Show up in pictures.  You're part of the moment, so make it known.  Remember to look cute.

5. Table hop. She says to find a new table if you don't like the one you're at.  I love this one.  I'm sure some brides or whoever did the seating might not approve…but so what.  The should have set me with "better" people.

6.  Help.  Give yourself something to do, if you're feeling aimless or losing your mind.  Something like taking pictures or volunteering to lend a hand to someone who needs it.  I think this is a good idea…but one I'm likely not to do.  I'm not usually looking for work.

7.  Take in the sights.  Again, if you're traveling, treat it like a mini-vacation; build in some fun.  If there's something interesting nearby --a park, restaurant, cultural event-- take advantage of it.

8. Don't overthink it. The wedding doesn't mean anything about your life and where you should be.  I love this one, and it's great to be reminded.  I think we sometimes bring our own baggage/issues…unnecessarily.

9.  Try a new outfit.  It might be fun to try out a new look, especially if you don't know a lot of people in attendance.

10.  Ask one person to dance.  Or more than one. Be bold. Pretend you're at a club.

11. Play with the kids.  This is the one where I think she's a little nuts, but that's just me.  I'm not even thinking about doing this one.

12.  Get yourself adopted.  Make a friend or two--even if it's a couple-- and hang out with them.  More than one person is almost always more fun than being by yourself in this situation.

You can read her whole article, here.

Do you have any wedding-survival tips for Singles that you can add to this list?  Please share...

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Two Weekends in a Spinsterlicious Life

Oh, the Spinsterlicious Life.  It's a mixture of all things good and interesting in life...and delightful juxtapositions.

Weekend #1
Last weekend, I spent some time with three fab single ladies and it was just refreshing to see each of them doing their own thing, having crafted pretty nice lives for themselves.  I see this all the time so it still befuddles me when I hear people question how a single woman could be happy and pretty satisfied with her life, as is.  These girls have it going on!

Spinster # 1 is actually not a spinster because she's divorced…so I've made her an honorary spinster.  She had us all laughing as she talked about how much fun she's having renovating her new place, post-divorce.  Her last renovation --during the marriage-- was fraught with tension and stress as she and the then-hubby struggled over every last detail, trying to find a solution that satisfied them both.  Sometimes they ended up with a compromise that only half-satisfied either one of them.  This time, she's doing her place exactly the way she wants it and she loves it.

Spinster #2 has a pretty cool job in the entertainment field and regaled us with stories  about her travels and the behaviors of nutty, demanding celebrities.  She also told us about being invited, recently,  to a friend's dinner party with four other couples.  She was the only single-ista.  They decided to play a game that only couples could play.  It didn't occur to anyone that maybe this wasn't so nice.  Don't they know any other games?

Spinster #2's story reminded me of attending a wedding and being seated at the Singles table instead of being seated with my married friends (the only other people I knew at the wedding.)  The singles were all college kids who I didn't know.  I can't figure out why it didn't occur to someone that there might be a better solution.  I know; someone I mentioned this to said there's not always a place to seat one person.  I say b.s. to that.  You can add or remove another chair at any table if it comes to that.  It's your wedding; you can do what you want.

Spinster #3 quit her corporate job and started doing her own thing…and she loves it. She makes less money than she used to, but she doesn't care.  (Having a rich-ish boyfriend helps).  She has what I consider to be the perfect "arrangement".  She has a great boyfriend who accepts that she loves and wants him, but is not interested in marriage and kids.  So they live apart; they spend lots of time together traveling and doing other normal couple things, then they go home to their respective places.  I want her life.  (I exaggerate when I say "I want her life".  What I really love is her boyfriend situation.  "Hi, honey.  Bye, honey.")

Spinster #4 is me.  I just got back from the graduation ceremony of a delightful young woman I've mentored for a few years.  I'm so proud of her and get to revel in her successes…without having to raise her!  Just like the boyfriend situation, it's good to spend time with her (and him)…and then send her (and him) home!  This reminds me that one of the commenters on a post I recently wrote said to me, angrily,  "Quit whining. Being single is easy."  I guess he's right in many ways.  I like easy.

Weekend #2
This weekend is Memorial Day weekend, the unofficial kick-off to summer in the U.S.  To celebrate, I invited two of my closest friends for the weekend to jumpstart the season.  In my fantasy-head, it would be just like the old days, when we were free-single-and-21.  Except we're not.  I'm still free and single, but they're married with children.

I didn't have the nerve to say "leave the kids and spouses at home", so they're all coming. Even the dogs.  I say this mostly in jest:  I really love their families...though I am a little concerned about spending that much time with that many children...some of whom are teenagers.  Actually with that many people.  Since I live alone, the thought of being surrounded --sun up to sundown-- by eight people gives me a bit of agita.  I'm sure I'll be fine, and it'll be fun...but y'all should pray for me anyway.  Hopefully I don't end up on the news:  "Lady flips out over too many weekend guests."

But this is my Spinsterlicious life.  I have a full array of friends in a variety of situations and it works just fine.  As it should.  Happy Memorial Day, everybody.  And a special thanks to the troops who protect us...allowing me to spend my time pondering small things like my weekend activities, without having to worry about big, scary things like terrorism.

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

A Good Reason to Get Married (File Under "Catty Comment")

I seriously hate exercise.  All my life I've been waiting for that pill that would allow me to eat what I want, as often as I want, and sprawl on the couch as long as I want without gaining a pound or negatively impacting my health.  I think working out should be something I have to do only when I feel like it.  

For example, I used to run and I loved running.  Running is the only exercise I've ever enjoyed.  Anything else feels like work.  Then my knees stopped cooperating.  I had arthroscopic surgery on my right knee a few years ago, and now my left knee seems to be demanding similar attention.

I refuse to go to the gym, so while I'm waiting for that "no more exercise" pill to be invented, I downloaded a few workout apps onto to my iPad.  I work out to them at home while I'm watching TV.  It's the closest I can get to doing nothing, without actually doing nothing.  The thing is, these apps provide a pretty good workout...if I set them to the highest level and for longer than 20 minutes. 

I was complaining about hating exercise the other day to a spinster friend and she was in full-on agreement with me.  She said, "Hating exercise is the only reason I can think of to get married.  Ever notice how women gain weight (I'm paraphrasing here) once they take on a husband?  I guess it's ok to 'give up' once you land him."  I laughed...even though I know it's not true.  Well, it's kinda true, but not true enough to be a truism. 

Unfortunately, I can think of too many women who did not gain the 'marital spread' ...but it's kind of amusing, anyway.  Plus, it didn't help that I knew she was talking about a particular married lady...the one who's married to her ex-.  This woman really did pack on the pounds soon after she got married and she used to be a fitness fanatic.  Go figure...

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

(Why) Is "Spinster" A Four-Letter Word?

I am a single woman with no kids. I've been that way all my life. It's by choice, so it's a fine place to be. Eons ago, I would have been called a spinster. Or an old maid.  Old Maid sounds much too heavy, plus I'm reminded of the card game of the same name where the Old Maid is the last thing one wants to be. If you end up the Old Maid in this game, you are the loser. Some might also say this is true in real life. 

I considered bachelorette for a moment, but only for a moment. I knew that wouldn't work. Bachelorette refers to a young woman.  It has a certain lightheartedness that I like, but it also seems to carry a bit of frivolity, which really doesn't work for me anymore. 

So, nix old maid…nix bachelorette.  I'm going with spinster. It's archaic and has a certain ring to it.  I think of Jane Austen and well-dressed, polite, independent women.  Spinster is so out, it's in.  Or at least, that's my plan.  Unlike old maid, which automatically carries all kinds of baggage and negative imagery, spinster is different.  Dictionary.com defines a spinster as "a woman still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying."   Well that certainly is me.  No problem. 

  

So when I started chronicling my life, I wanted spinster to be part of the title.  But spinster does carry with it a certain blandness.  It doesn't seem exciting or fun or lively so, though I like it, it doesn't totally describe me.  I am exciting…and fun…and lively, so I decided to jazz it up a bit.  I like the word delicious and I have used it to describe my life.  And that's how I ended up with Spinsterlicious.  Spinster +  (de)-licious.  Get it? 

And that's also how The Spinsterlicious Life was born; it's the name of my book  and my blog.  And the word spinster is used a lot in both places.

So, I was a little surprised a couple of weeks ago when more than a few Commenters to my Divorce Envy  piece on The Huffington Post  took issue with my use of the s-word, calling it "ugly" and chastising me for using it.  Huh?  

I don't know it to be an ugly word.  Is it just the whole concept of being a never-married- woman-of-a-certain-age that is ugly?  I think it is for some people, and I hope to change that.  Similar to the way young African-Americans want to re-frame the N-word, and young women are embracing the B-word, I want to reclaim and jazz up spinster.  It's not a bad state of being and shouldn't be considered a bad word.  It's what I am.  I'm Spinsterlicious, baby! 

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Mother's Day on Steroids: A Contrarian View

Over the past couple of years it’s been clear to me that holidays have become of monumental importance in the American culture. Christmas—December 25—is an entire season. When I was a kid, talk of Christmas began a week or two before the big day.  Not anymore.  A few years ago, stores began to trot out Christmas decorations on November 1, as soon as the Halloween pumpkins were put away. Last year, though, I noticed a number of stores selling Christmas wreaths right alongside Halloween masks. The Christmas season now begins in October.

And the ads to remind you to buy something, do something—usually something expensive—for Valentine’s Day begin right after New Year’s Day.  Oh, the pressure.

And now here comes Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day, a national holiday since 1914, when President Woodrow Wilson declared it so, has recently become MOTHER’S DAY!!! It, too, is superlative; it is not to be ignored. The ads started a couple of months ago. Mother’s Day is bigger than Christmas and Valentine’s Day in some ways (Number 1 being the guilt if you don’t do something spectacular to honor it).    

On this one I’m sort of on the outside looking in. I’m (by choice) not a mother, and I don’t have one (not my choice) . . . so I’m free to sort of watch from afar and ponder lightly what it all means. And interestingly, it seems that as the number of childfree-by-choice women grows, the importance of being a mother has taken on colossal status.

For most of civilization, a woman’s becoming a mother was a given. If her body could reproduce, she did . . . really whether she wanted to or not. Better birth control changed this somewhat. Women could choose when to be a mother, but most still rarely considered if they should.

But now, more and more, becoming a mother—or not—is beginning to be recognized as a choice. There are far more women in their 40s without children now than there were in past decades. In 1976, just 10 percent of all women ages 40 to 44 had no children. That percentage had doubled by 2010.

Yet as it becomes more apparent that, as wonderful as motherhood can be, being a mother is no panacea, and we as a society seem to have, collectively, decided that we must make motherhood seem like The. Best. Thing. Ever. I wish everybody could just relax.

On the one hand, some researchers are declaring that having kids is often unsatisfying—indeed, can mar one’s happiness.

• From a 2009 column by The New York Times‘s Maureen Dowd:  “‘Across the happiness data, the one thing in life that will make you less happy is having children,’ said Betsey Stevenson, an assistant professor at Wharton who co-wrote a paper called ‘The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness.’ It’s true whether you’re wealthy or poor, if you have kids late or kids early. Yet I know very few people who would tell me they wish they hadn’t had kids or who would tell me they feel their kids were the destroyer of their happiness.”

• From a 2010 New York magazine article by Jennifer Senior, “All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting” . . . well, the title really says it all.

And yet we are celebrating motherhood and Mother’s Day like never before. The amount consumers spend to celebrate the day continues to rise. According to the National Retail Federation’s 2012 poll, the average consumer is expected to spend $152 on Mother’s Day gifts, up from $140 last year.

And just the other day, a New York Times article, “The Baby Bump,” discusses how having a baby improves the “career” (and bank account) of countless celebrities.

Last year, I wrote a blog post about how so many people—strangers and other people I passed on the street— wished me Happy Mother’s Day. I thought this was pretty amusing; maybe I just look like I’m a mother.

And last year, people on Facebook were encouraged to “show their love” for their moms by posting a picture of her (because, what, if you don’t make a public declaration it isn’t true?). I toyed with the idea of posting my mom’s picture, then decided against it. I’m picky about which social media bandwagons I jump on, and this one just seemed, well, kinda forced to me.

Every one of the morning news shows and daytime talk shows, every single day, has a segment (or three) on all kinds of people proclaiming, repeatedly, their love, love, love for their mothers on national TV. The more excessive, the better. In the lead-up to Mother’s Day, every mother is perfect. Nobody has a shaky relationship with her mom; everyone has been blessed with a paragon of virtue and goodness.

Multiply the pressure of Valentine’s Day by, oh, 10,000. Honestly, I think all this hoopla sorta takes some of the fun out of Mother’s Day, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t it be nice if the way we celebrate this day were more organic, more personal, less full of pressure? Of course, this is easy for me to say. Having neither a child nor a mother, I can muse about this in the abstract.

Happy Mother’s Day, everybody. Really.

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

How Can I Be Happily Single When I Hate Being Single?

The Spinsterlicious Life --the title of my book and blog-- is about the joys and realities of being a single woman.  Whether a woman is single by choice or by circumstance, a great life should be hers.  The time spent fretting about what you don't have (a man) would be much better spent celebrating what you do have.   That's my philosophy.  

But I know a few people who don't agree with me.  My book is about being "happily single", and they take issue with that.  As one friend said to me: "I'm not Spinsterlicious.  I don't want to learn to be happily single because I don't want to be single."  I get that; I understand that she doesn't want to be single.  What confuses me though is what she thinks the alternative is?  She's single.  She doesn't want to be, but she is.  The way I see it, she can be single and happy -or- single and unhappy.  Those really are her only two choices because the option of being married has not presented itself yet.  

I think she thinks that if she makes herself happy as a single woman then she'll never get married.  I want to say (quoting Dr Phil) "how's that workin' for ya?" 

 The reality is that "happy" is attractive.  People want to be around happy people; men do, too.  With "happy", I say you can't lose.

So, what's your take on the whole "happily single" thing?  Possible?  Self-defeating? A myth? The only way to go?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Divorce Envy

Sometimes I am jealous of divorced women. Oh, not for the reason you might think; not because they've had at least one husband and I've had none. I feel jealous of divorced women because they have more social capital than I do. They exist on a higher rung on society's status ladder than I do because I am an eternally single woman with no kids -- a spinster. By choice. There. I said it, I own it and life is good. I've built a pretty nice life for myself but people still look askance at me and my fellow spinsters from time to time. They don't get it; they want to know what's wrong with us, wondering why we aren't married. People understand divorce and even single motherhood. Spinsterhood is puzzling, for some reason.

And, honestly, I'm puzzled about why they're puzzled. According to the Pew Institute, almost 30 percent of U.S. adults have never been married -- a record high. That's a lot of people, so being forever single should seem more... well, normal, but I guess our culture is not quite there yet.

Some years ago when I was younger, I worked with a woman -- Faye -- who was a spinster, although that wasn't how she referred to herself. She seemed to have quite an interesting life, with lots of romances and the jewelry to prove it. I wouldn't have done it quite the way she did because she was always an important man's mistress and that's not my thing. But I admired Faye's joie de vivre. She seemed unabashed in her single status and her lifestyle seemed to work for her.

Or at least I thought it did. One day, while I was listening to one of her many stories, she gave me a bit of advice that I found startling. She said, "Just find someone and marry him." She told me that it didn't really matter if I loved him or even stayed with him very long. Her reasoning? Divorced women are viewed more favorably than women who've never been married. In her immortal words, "It's better to be a has-been than a never-was!"

This sentiment seemed absurd to me then but I also knew that many people agreed with it. Now that it's 2012, I remember that story with a smile and as a sign of times past.

So imagine my surprise when I attended a dinner party not too long ago with some friends and colleagues I hadn't seen in awhile. A number of them were shocked -- shocked! -- that I still (their word) wasn't married. In fact, my un-wifed "plight" was the topic of conversation for what I considered to be much too long. "Why?" they wanted to know. "What's wrong?"

The kicker was that this conversation was led by a woman who was going through her third divorce. How does one fail at marriage three times by the age 45? It seemed that I was the only one who thought that was odd. All present congratulated her for knowing how to get a man... even if she couldn't keep one. And collectively, they couldn't accept that I had chosen to be happily single.

And then I remembered Faye's "has-been vs. never-was" line and it all made sense. It was 25 years later but this sentiment, apparently, still rings true.

Even now, in our very modern society, a wife is held in high esteem, a divorcee gets credit for trying and people just feel sorry for the always-single woman who's never gotten a man to say "I do."

A divorced relative once asked me to be sure to include her ex-husband's name in her obituary when the time comes. Although she's been divorced longer than she was married, she doesn't want to die without everyone knowing that she had once been someone's wife -- that she was desired -- that she is normal enough to know how to follow societal expectations. She believed that an attempt at marriage is much more acceptable than saying "the heck with it", like I did.

A male friend of mine only dates divorced women. According to him, "A 40-year-old woman who has never been married is scary." And I've seen the flash of "oh no" in the eyes of guys I'm flirting with when they learn I've never been married, not even once. Every now and then, just for fun, I'll say I'm a two-time divorcée. The response is almost always friendlier than when I tell the truth.

I've had a few "opportunities" to get married, but I chose not to do so. I know myself; I wouldn't have been good at it. I love having a boyfriend and I also love it when he goes home. Life, the way I've chosen to live it, has been good to me. But, still, there are all those other folks who just don't buy it. "Happily single" sounds like an oxymoron to them.

So that's why I sometimes have divorce envy. I want to stop explaining myself, I want to stop reassuring people that "I'm fine... really". I want to be accepted as normal, just like my divorced sisters. Is that too much to ask?

P.S.  This article originally ran in Huffington Post. If you've got a few minutes, take a look at the Comments over there.  It started a really lively discussion. 

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

The "Gift" of Other People's Children (Ha!)

A lot of women I know who don't have children make up for it by spending lots of time with their nieces, nephews, and the kids of their good friends.  For many of them, it's the best of both worlds: they get to spend time enjoying, teaching, loving them...and then sending them home to their parents.  It dawned on me one day that I am not like them.

Life Lesson #6 from my book, The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree is "Know who you really are, not who you wish you were."  It's all about the moment when I learned that I am childfree for a reason.

Excerpted from The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree.  Copyright 2011.  All rights reserved.


Life Lesson #6:  

Know who you really are, not who you wish you were.

Even though I didn’t want kids, I used to pretend that I would be actively involved with other people’s kids. I was slow to realize that the reason I didn’t want my own is probably the same reason I’m not all that interested in anybody else’s.

The Events That Led To Lesson #6

Sometimes I wish I was more like my friend and fellow spinster, Vita. Actually, I don’t want to be more like her...I just wish I wanted to. She loves other people’s kids. In fact, she more than loves them, she nurtures them, she grooms them, she hangs out with them. She takes them to the movies, out to lunch, out to dinner, has them over for the weekend, lets them spend the week at her house. She’s really into them and it seems to bring her a lot of joy. 

I love my friends’ kids, too. I’m always happy to see them and love to hear what they’ve been up to, but that’s pretty much where it ends. I’ve always known I didn’t really want kids of my own, but I used to think I’d be the kind of cool auntie that would have other people’s kids over for pajama parties on the weekend, expose them to cultural events, and just sort of hang out with them and talk about things they didn’t want to discuss with their parents. It turns out I am not that person.

Yet I am always available to babysit. Said another way, on the rare occasion my friends ask me to babysit, I always say “yes” because it is so very clear that if they’re asking me then they’re really desperate. If they’re asking me to babysit, they have exhausted every possible avenue.  I agree, because it's an emergency, so I make myself available.

Babysitting exhausts me because it requires actually paying attention to the kids. Each time I agree to this, I envision that I’ll give them a book and some juice and crackers, and they’ll sit happily at the table reading or coloring and enjoying their snack. That has never happened. I always forget that it’s not enough to keep them fed, clean, and safe. I actually have to engage with them...which interferes with my newspaper reading or my nap or my phone call or my quiet time.

One Sunday evening, Felicia left 9-year-old Peter with me while she went off to meet some colleagues for dinner. It was nice. I hadn’t seen Peter in a few years and we had fun just chatting and catching up on what he’d been doing. We probably spent an hour just doing that. He was growing into a nice young man. We killed more time going out for pizza and walking the dog. And then I realized we were about to have a problem. Sex and the City (SATC) was about to come on. Even though I don’t have kids, I read somewhere that a responsible adult does not allow children to watch age-inappropriate shows, especially those with profanity, nudity, and sex. Well, SATC has all those things; that’s why I watched it. And that night was going to be no exception. The problem was: what to do with Peter? 

I would tell someone else in this situation that SATC is not appropriate for a 9-year-old to watch. That rule was about to change. I thought maybe I could use the show as one of those “teachable moments” I’d heard about. Maybe it’s okay for a 9-year-old to watch if we discuss the what- not-to-dos on the show. That’s how I decided to play it.  After about 10 minutes, though, I could see there wouldn't really be any teachable moments...just a lot of scenes of Samantha hopping into bed with different men.

I felt irresponsible, so I asked Peter to amuse himself in my bedroom with a book until the show was over. I shut the door. An alternative would have been for me to tape the show and watch it later. I didn’t think about that as an option at the time, though. Next up was The Sopranos, an hour-long show with sex, nudity, profanity, and violence –probably not right for a kid. Yet I knew he wouldn’t stay in my bedroom for another hour since he had already asked to come out twice. I decided it was time for Peter to learn about the New Jersey mob. We watched The Sopranos together and I hoped his mother wouldn’t be mad at me.

One Saturday, my phone rang about 7 p.m. The babysitting plans of my good friends Derek and Susan had fallen through and they were on their way to a dinner party. Could they drop the kids off at my house for “awhile” (“awhile” turned out to be about five hours). They assured me this would be really easy because the kids would probably be asleep by 9 p.m. Idiot that I am, I believed them. Fortu- nately, they came armed with videos so I let them watch them for awhile. Kira and Dillon are both really smart and funny, and I had a good time listening to them and laughing at their escapades. They have very active social lives and I get a kick out of hearing about them. Later, I offered them their choice of some kid-appropriate fruit: apple, banana, peach, grapes. Kira decided she wanted my blueberries. The blueberries that cost $5.99/lb. I explained to her that 4-year-olds don’t like blueberries but she didn’t believe me.  She ate them and I made a mental not to hide the expensive fruit the next time she visited.

Then, I decided it was time for bed; we piled up in my bed and Dillon asked me to read to them from his favorite book. I was happy to; this was just like on TV. They should fall asleep before I finished the story. At least that’s the way it’s supposed to work. Instead, when I finished reading, he asked me to read it again. I did. And again. The third time I skipped a few paragraphs because I was sick of this story. Rather, I should say, I tried to skip a few paragraphs because Dillon was on to me. “Uh-uh Auntie Eleanore, that’s not how it goes”. Why was he still awake anyway?

I thought that if I turned out the light, they would lay quietly and soon fall asleep. They didn’t. So I decided to get creative. I decided to tire them out...outside. When I asked them if they wanted to go for a walk, they were surprised but excited because it meant they could get out of bed. By then, it was 10 p.m. There’s a lot going on at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night in Chelsea. We wandered around the all-night drugstore, watched oddly dressed people coming in and out of a couple of nightclubs, and saw two men kissing. We walked around for quite awhile just taking in the sights and they fell fast asleep as soon as we got home. When their parents finally showed up to get their kids, they asked how I’d gotten them to sleep. I told them. One found it amusing; the other one didn’t.

I never learn. I always have a notion in my head about how these babysitting gigs are going to go and I’m always wrong. I agreed to watch Baldwin and Ford while their parents went off to do God-knows-what. I was looking forward to it because I had never babysat them and I knew I'd enjoy hanging out with them. And it was fun; I was enjoying them...until it was time to feed them.  One wanted pizza and the other wanted a burger.  I lectured them on how when I was growing up everybody ate the same dinner.  They didn't care.  I was too tired to argue.  They each got the pizza and burger they wanted.  I threatened them that next time they'd have to eat the same thing, or starve.

Another time, my darling 8-year-old nephew, Dexter, came to spend a week with me. I was looking forward to this very much. I had never spent a week with a child, and I thought it would be pretty cool for both of us. By day three, though, I was baffled beyond belief. How is it possible for a child to eat all day long?

 I eat a pretty healthy diet and know that if I had children, they would absolutely love their healthy diet, consisting primarily of vegetables and fruit, but not a lot of salt, artificial ingredients, or fried food. The same would be true for any child I’m taking care of. Fast food would only be an occasional treat. Ha! I quickly learned it’s not possible to cook enough food to feed a growing boy. He was like a bottomless pit. I happily decided that I was wrong about fast food and that it is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a good thing. Otherwise, the poor kid would have starved.

Here’s what I know for sure: watching other people’s kids is way too much work. I love them a lot, but I don’t have it in me. I’m definitely not the cool aunt I thought I’d be. Not too long ago, I pretended to be catching the flu so I wouldn’t have to babysit a friend’s cute little kid who talks way too much. I really don’t know how Vita does it. Or why I thought I could.  I, now, really know who I am.

So, dear reader, what about you?  When did you know that you wanted --or didn't want-- kids?  How did you know?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

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