Her Husband, The Jerk

Last weekend I went to a dear friend's birthday party. It was held in her big, fabulous house in the suburbs.  It being in the suburbs is relevant only because that's where I'm most likely to find parties made up of all couples...and me. Actually there were two other single women there, but we were a mere blip amongst the 20 or so couples. Or maybe we weren't a blip; maybe it was more like a beacon.

Shortly after I arrived, a guy approached me. He was handsome and smiling and I thought, "Oh, birthday girl invited a single guy for me.  How nice."  We chatted for quite awhile, flirting a bit, and laughing about his day and mine, and various and sundry life events. He was especially interested in my book, The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree, and asked lots of questions about my experiences as a single woman.

Then, his WIFE wandered over.   I guess he forgot to mention her.  At no time in our lengthy conversation did he mention a wife...or his kids. It didn't even occur to me to ask if he was married because surely a married man wouldn't monopolize my time so blatantly, right?  Silly me.


What's worse is that Wife is a woman with whom I am friendly. Awkward. The three of us chatted for a few more minutes and then I excused myself.  Brazenly, he continued to show up wherever I happened to be.  He clearly saw no reason for us not to continue interacting...though I did. I wasn't interested in spending lots of time with my friend's husband.  I was conscious of how it might feel to her and look to others. So I avoided him.  Or tried to.

On the dance floor, I felt someone come up behind me, grab my waist and grind his pelvis into my backside. I turned around, shocked to see it was Douchebag Husband!

 

I'm still pissed at myself for only pushing him away and moving to another part of the dance floor. Here's what I wished  I'd done:  Slapped him. Yelled "WTF are you doing?" Snatched him by his collar and said "How dare you touch me that way!"  Any one of those would have me feeling better right now.  But I did none of those because I knew what followed would have changed the tone of the evening. I didn't want to make a scene at my friend's birthday party. I didn't want to embarrass his wife. And I was also cognizant of the fact that this very thing is the reason lots of married women don't want single women in the social mix: we cause trouble...even when it's not our fault.  We are the dreaded femme fatales.

And I really do believe it was my being single that made him think he could behave that way with me. If he had been interested in one of the married women at the party, I truly think he would have approached her differently. Like many men, he apparently thinks a single woman is desperate...and perhaps a little loose... and would welcome a blatantly and inappropriately sexual move.

And at that moment I also realized why his wife --a lovely women-- drinks so much. And she's a sad drunk. And clearly she has reason to be.

It'll be interesting what happens the next time I see him.  How do you think I should handle it?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

How Many Ways to Be Single? (A Guest Post)

Lately, my dear friend, Debra, has been thinking a lot about the many single women she knows, the ways they are single (e.g., never married, divorced, single moms) and what it all means.   Here, let her tell you...

In her own words:


Last week two very similar things happened virtually simultaneously. While talking on the phone to a woman who was recently singled-by-divorce, I was reading Eleanore’s Facebook post. Yes, that’s right, the Eleanore, queen of I’ve-got-this-single-thing-on-a-leash. Her post referenced spending time and chumming it up with two distinct groups of her friends: happily married women and [by inference] very-comfortable-in-my-skin single women. 


Based on the painful conversation I was having, I was struck by the notion that there are many states of singlehood. As a never-been-married, single parent of an adult daughter, I embrace my life as my life. Yes, over the years I have pondered the reality of why my road forked onto the path of perpetual singleness. Yes, over the years I have, and occasionally still do, long for that ever-evolving storybook marriage. 


However, the truth is most marriages that I have witnessed, well, let’s just say they have left me far less interested in a marriage than a very healthy relationship. Yes, I do on occasion happen upon one of those magical marriages that give true substance and validation to: “happily ever after”. Given an option, yes, I would take such a marriage. At any rate, I said all of that to say that I fall into the category of Eleanore’s very-comfortable-in-my-skin single friends. 


Interestingly, the general twist with being a long-term single woman is often less than flattering. That is most unfortunate, as it negates substantive reality. Run the numbers, i.e., how many happy, healthy marriages does one personally encounter in life? (And for those marriages, I simply desire to grab popcorn and something to drink while gazing with stars in my eyes and heart at a man being a man/gentleman and a woman being a woman/lady unto each other. Humph, that just lights up my heart. It is akin to living art, a masterpiece. It is spiritually enriching. It boasts of beauty without even trying. I become in love with love. 


Just thinking about it reminds me of an inquiry from friend a number of years ago. We were at a concert sitting next to a couple who were so loving and comfortable with their love for each other that they enfolded us into their evening with an incredible lovingkindness that left my friend asking: “Debbie, is it possible to be in love with a couple?”  If so, then we were ready to commit that relationship. In reality, it simply spoke to the loving relationship that we would gladly have welcomed into our own lives.  


Okay, that’s enough about me, as mine is the common vanilla single lifestyle: life is what is and mine is to play the hand I have by valuing the trump cards I possess. Ironically, this is the general posture of single women who wake up every day walking it out in flats or stilettos. What I have come to realize is that this group of single women, unknowingly, model being single to a group of women who are literally locked in a prison of time and space that was intended to be a loving marriage. Looking through the bars of their lives, they see women (married and single) going about their business making things happen, being happy, being fulfilled and fulfilling others. 

This is where my phone call with the singled-by-divorce woman and Eleanore’s prepping for fun with friends weekend come into play. The woman on the other end of the phone gave me an immediate realization that healthy singlehood is a process. Transitioning from being in a “prisonous” marriage into an emotionally healthy single person takes time, support, growth, and yes, some spiritual maturity. After all, it is not possible for one to be the same woman pre-marriage as post-marriage. It will take time to get to “know” oneself unto oneself, and others per this newly evolving self. 


My conversations with the recently singled-by-divorce woman are always awkward for me. Her frame of reference to relationships is unmoored to anything beyond her seeming random imaginings of singlehood. I listen with the challenging awareness being singled-by-divorce is just one step. There are so, so many more along the road to getting to know oneself anew so that one can learn to love oneself.  Being Single 101.


So...do you think the way you became single impacts the way you experience single-dom?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

(Why) Is "Spinster" A Four-Letter Word?

I am a single woman with no kids. I've been that way all my life. It's by choice, so it's a fine place to be. Eons ago, I would have been called a spinster. Or an old maid.  Old Maid sounds much too heavy, plus I'm reminded of the card game of the same name where the Old Maid is the last thing one wants to be. If you end up the Old Maid in this game, you are the loser. Some might also say this is true in real life. 

I considered bachelorette for a moment, but only for a moment. I knew that wouldn't work. Bachelorette refers to a young woman.  It has a certain lightheartedness that I like, but it also seems to carry a bit of frivolity, which really doesn't work for me anymore. 

So, nix old maid…nix bachelorette.  I'm going with spinster. It's archaic and has a certain ring to it.  I think of Jane Austen and well-dressed, polite, independent women.  Spinster is so out, it's in.  Or at least, that's my plan.  Unlike old maid, which automatically carries all kinds of baggage and negative imagery, spinster is different.  Dictionary.com defines a spinster as "a woman still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying."   Well that certainly is me.  No problem. 

  

So when I started chronicling my life, I wanted spinster to be part of the title.  But spinster does carry with it a certain blandness.  It doesn't seem exciting or fun or lively so, though I like it, it doesn't totally describe me.  I am exciting…and fun…and lively, so I decided to jazz it up a bit.  I like the word delicious and I have used it to describe my life.  And that's how I ended up with Spinsterlicious.  Spinster +  (de)-licious.  Get it? 

And that's also how The Spinsterlicious Life was born; it's the name of my book  and my blog.  And the word spinster is used a lot in both places.

So, I was a little surprised a couple of weeks ago when more than a few Commenters to my Divorce Envy  piece on The Huffington Post  took issue with my use of the s-word, calling it "ugly" and chastising me for using it.  Huh?  

I don't know it to be an ugly word.  Is it just the whole concept of being a never-married- woman-of-a-certain-age that is ugly?  I think it is for some people, and I hope to change that.  Similar to the way young African-Americans want to re-frame the N-word, and young women are embracing the B-word, I want to reclaim and jazz up spinster.  It's not a bad state of being and shouldn't be considered a bad word.  It's what I am.  I'm Spinsterlicious, baby! 

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

To Sex -or- Not To Sex (An Oldie But Goodie)

Within the past month, I received emails from two different women who were concerned (well, one was actually beside herself) that a man they had recently met had not called them after they slept together.  Both were wondering what to do and I had a lively discussion with one over the phone, later, over whether it was the "sex too soon" thing or something else that sent him away.  There's no way to really know, but I promised to re-run the chart below, which I think is a pretty interesting (albeit a little  on the safe side) way  to think about this kind of thing.  I'm told it's been helpful to a few readers.

 I am a little amused that we are all still discussing when to have sex with a new guy.  I originally wrote this after  a long conversation with a good friend who was near tears because the man she slept with a couple of weeks ago has not called since. Yep, at this age we’re still having this conversation.

I have this conversation quite a bit and for some reason, I’m usually the one giving the advice. I say “for some reason,” but I actually know the reason: I’ve been single all my life, am good at dating, and I feel like I’ve got this aspect of dating all figured out. There are other parts of dating life that I don’t always get—like the way men want you to need them but don’t want you to be needy—but this one I do. So I’m going to take this opportunity to share with the many single women out there what I know about how to make the decision to roll around naked with the New Guy for the first time.

That’s right. A decision tree, for this not-usually-rational decision. When you have to make an important decision at work, you generally think about it ahead of time and seriously weigh the different outcomes. You don’t decide at the last minute. This decision should be no different.

Here’s a scenario. You’re at a bar/party/conference/car wash/restaurant…wherever. You and “Scott” strike up a conversation and seem to hit it off. There’s lots of laughing, flirting, and witty conversation. At some point it becomes clear to both of you that you may want to dial things up a bit, either right now or very soon.

The “sex too soon” thing is something that only women grapple with. I’ve never heard a guy wonder how “when to have sex” will impact the relationship-that-is-yet-to-be. But the world’s not fair—we already know that. Follow my advice, though, and it should help you avoid getting your feelings hurt.

The thought process is not a straight line, though. It’s more of a schematic. So pay attention, and be honest with yourself.

The first thing to ask yourself is: “What do I want from this guy?” (Caution: if you’re feeling really lonely, you probably should skip this exercise completely. Sex-because-you’re-lonely will probably make you feel even lonelier afterwards).

Once you decide what you want, you can decide your next course of action. 

This is by no means foolproof. But I think it’s a pretty reasonable facsimile of the way things shake out much of the time. Go ahead and do your thing . . . and let me know if it works for you.

NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop. They make a statement... and a great gift! 

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A Had-to-Happen Love Story? -or- The Ultimate Betrayal?

The title of this post sounds like it belongs to a romantic drama on the Lifetime Channel, doesn't it?  And it kinda is, except it's not a movie, it's real life...and Lordy, I sure hope the woman I'm writing about doesn't know about my blog. (Could be awkward). 

Anyway, my (distant) cousin is happily married to a man she calls the man of her dreams.  I believe her. They're really cute together and they seem to be very much in love.

Here's the problem...if it is a problem.  My cousin's husband --let's call him Abner, and her Daisy) -- used to be the live-in love of Daisy's best friend!  Yep. 

Here's my understanding of what happened.  Daisy was visiting her friend when Abner came home from work.  The three of them had dinner and a little wine...and, apparently the proverbial sparks flew between Daisy and Abner.  Girlfriend became persona non grata that evening...although I don't think she  knew it at the time.

Long story short, Abner  moved from Girlfriend's place -to- Daisy's shortly thereafter. (Worked well for him, right?  From one ready-made home to another).

I am told that (1) Girlfriend and Abner fought a lot and it wasn't that great of a relationship, and (2) that the attraction Daisy and Abner felt for each other was immediate, "electric" and clearly "meant to be".   (Of course...for both 1&2). 

However, I must say, Daisy and Abner have been married for 10 years and they do seem to be very much in love.  That's the Had-to-Happen Love Story part

The Ultimate Betrayal part?  Well, Girlfriend lost her Best Friend AND her Man at the same time.  Wow.  (Crazy, right?  Because if you're fighting with your man, your best friend consoles you.  If you're fighting with your best friend, your man can comfort you.  But not for Girlfriend...now what?)

So, here's what I've thought about all these years:   

• Should Daisy and Abner have "fought" their feelings...for ethical reasons?  -or-

• Was their relationship meant to be...and that's that?

I can't say what I would do in a situation like this because I believe you can't definitively know what you'll really do in a situation you've never been in.  I would hope, though, that I would respect my friendship with my good friend and avoid her man.   But...suppose "that feeling" is the most powerful ever felt?  Suppose it was meant to be?  Then what?

What say you?

NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop. They make a statement... and a great gift! 




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Is He Really Your Boyfriend?

I had an awkward conversation a few weeks ago with a friend of mine.  She's "seeing" a man who she pretends is her boyfriend, although he is not.  In my opinion, he's a guy she hangs out with and sometimes sleeps with.  He's recently divorced and told her that, though he likes her, he has no desire for a girlfriend.  I think that's pretty clear.  She still, apparently, doesn't believe him.

So I get regular calls and texts from her when she's upset about something he did or did not do.  Something a real boyfriend probably would have done...but since this guy is only her "boyfriend in her head", he keeps falling short of her expectations.  And I keep getting "I'm upset" calls from her.

Apparently, one of the seemingly most common trip-ups in dating is that the two people in the so-called relationship have differing opinions about what kind of relationship they're in. Invariably, someone's feelings get hurt because expectations are different from what is actually being delivered.

She thinks they're BF-GF, and he thinks they're just "friends"...with a really loose definition of what a friend is.  This happens a lot.  And it doesn't always improve with age.

So, for my friend (and anyone else who may be in this situation), here's my 2¢ on how you can lessen the likelihood of this situation happening to you, how to tell if the guy is serious about you:

10.  He holds your hand in public - A public display of affection in this way is a sweet way to connect you two.  Holding hands is actually more of a commitment than, say, kissing because a kiss can be driven by other needs. A kiss doesn't "claim" you.

9.  He's usually where he says he's going to be. This is easy. He's not hiding from you.


8.  He introduces you to his friends (and family)...and they already know about you.  He's not keeping you hidden.  That he's been talking about you is a sign that you matter.


7.  You have a title (My Girlfriend, Lady, Woman...). This is an important one. If you're just Shirley (or whatever your name is), then who are you?  What do you represent? If you don't have a title then your relationship is probably a different one than you think it is.

6.  He doesn't just come over late and leave early.  Again, another easy one. If his visits are primarily booty calls, that's a problem.

5.  His Saturday night belongs to you. Saturday night is date night for people in a relationsip. If he's not with you, where is he?

4.  You have more than just his cell number (assuming he has more than a cell number). He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. You should have all his numbers...home, cell, work, and whatever else he has.

3.  You spend time at his place...including overnight. If you're not spending the night there, who is?

2.  If he has a landline at home, he answers it when it rings while you're there. Again, nothing to hide, right?  No concerns about another "chick with expectations" calling.

1.  He calls you more than he texts. If this isn't happening, he's just having fun with you.



Of course, this is not a fool-proof list, but if most of these things aren't happening, you're probably not his Girlfriend.  Now what?


Spinsterlicious readers:  anything you want to add to this list?



NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop. They make a statement... and a great gift! 




 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

Spinsterlicious? Yep

 The Spinsterlicious Life; my musings about the realities and joys of being single, child-free, and not mad about it.   Here’s how this whole thing  got started.  I ran into a woman I knew from years ago at a party and before I could answer “How are you doing”, she asked me “Are you married, yet”?   I’m asked this a lot and I feel I always have to have a quip ready: one that seems lighthearted but hopefully also conveys that I think it’s a bizarre question.  There’s nothing wrong with asking if I’m married, but the “yet” implies that this is something I must do. 

But I never really thought so. 

I am a heterosexual woman, I live in New York City,  I love dating…and I date a lot.   I have an awesome life:   a successful career as the owner of a marketing consultancy --Golden Door Consulting--  with a great income that allows me to afford a second home in the Hamptons, an active social life, and vacations around the world.  I have great relationships with my family and a fabulous circle of good friends.  I support charitable organizations with my money and time, and adore my 11-year-old Yorkie, Danny.   Despite all this goodness, there are many who look at my statistics and feel sorry for me.

What struck me about that recent encounter is that the “Are you married, yet” chick is going through her third divorce.  And she’s looking at me all crazy. 

Marriage and kids were never really in my plans.  Not everybody gets that., though.  Admitting this in a social setting can really slow down a conversation.  Most women want a husband and children so there’s obviously something wrong with the woman who doesn’t...right? 

Did you know that the number of unmarried adults in the US rose from 28% in 1970  -to- 47% in 2010?   That’s right…almost half of U.S. adults are single.  And if we focus on the Never Married, that description fits 23% of white women in the U.S. in 2009, and 45% of black women. That's a lot of people; so it's really not that uncommon.

Even more interesting (to me, anyway), is that more women than ever are choosing not to have children.  Thirty years ago, only 20% of women in their early 40s had no children; that number has now doubled.  It's interesting because it seems there's the belief that if you have a uterus, you should use it. but more and more women have been saying “not really”.

Obviously, I am not the only Spinster out there.  I know --and I know you know-- lots of fabulous women who are not wives or mothers.  In fact, there’s a whole world of similarly-situated women out there who just want to be acknowledged as the  smart, attractive, fascnating people they are.

This blog is for them, and any grown woman who hasn’t married or procreated…maybe for the time being, maybe forever AND the people who look askance at her.  

Everybody needs to lighten up. 

Being single without children is not the norm – yet— but there’s a lot that’s really good about being single, free, and unencumbered. 

So, I'll be blogging about that...and all kinds of other things that might cross my mind.  I'm hoping you'll join me in the conversation: your thoughts, your reactions, your own experiences. 

Postscript: Check out Ad Age's article on this very topic:  http://adage.com/article?article_id=146376

[I didn't make those numbers up:  Statistics Source: The US Census]