Kleinfeld's --a popular store in my neighborhood-- has the largest selection of designer and couture wedding dresses (or so they say). It's located a block from my apartment building so I pass it often. When I'm walking my dog on the weekends, I usually pass a few brides-to-be with their moms/aunts/grandmothers or friends/wedding party. Occasionally there's an annoyed-looking man with them.
A couple of weeks ago, I struck up a conversation with a woman standing outside the store who asked to pet my dog while she was waiting for her mother to show up. She looked to be about 35 years old and was "over the moon" (her words) about getting married, which I thought was sweet. It was her next comment that gave me pause. Actually more than "pause" because it happened a few weeks ago and I'm still thinking about it. She said she'd been dreaming about her wedding since she was 11. And before you say "lots of little girls like to play bride" --which is what I was thinking-- she went on to tell me that she and her mother had "designed" her entire wedding for her 11th birthday. I laughed...because I thought she was joking...I mean, she had to be, right? No. She meant it.
Since age 11, she has known where her wedding would be (The Plaza Hotel), her color scheme (pink and yellow), the kind of cake (multi-tiered, vanilla and cherry something) and what the dress would look like (long train, spaghetti straps...I forget the rest). Through the years, she said she would update details on the dress and tear out pictures that fit her vision. Now remember, she's about 35 now so she has done this for almost 25 years.
Is it just me? This seems a little nuts to me. But not to everybody. I shared this story with a woman I know and she was like "yeah, so what". Okay, so maybe it is me. What I remember most is this grown woman gushing that she was finally getting the wedding she's been dreaming about for, lo, these many years. Here's the thing: she never once mentioned the groom...her husband-to-be...the guy she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with. And that's what I don't get. The wedding ceremony seemed to mean a lot more than the marriage, the 'til-death-do-us-part bit. I sure hope it works out for her.
The woman who's been dreaming about her wedding all her life --not the marriage and actual life-- but the wedding: what is her deal??? (Needless to say, I've never done that, but I do know this chick isn't the only one.)
6 comments:
I am with you on this one. I am 43, have had several loves in my life and have appreciated all my relationships but I have never, ever in my life dreamed about a wedding!
In fact, I know I probably will get married at some point but I have little interest in designing a wedding (even though I really enjoy designing parties, gardens, clothes, etc I don't dream about my wedding).
And I agree, often the focus is on a perfect wedding more than the relationship or person they are marrying.
So scary! I completely agree with you both. Sometimes the fantasy of having a wedding seems to eclipse the larger purpose--that whole 'marriage' thing! It's all form, no function. God, just thinking about it makes me anxious.
As a side note, I am very glad I found your blog! I'm a 23 year old woman, so probably not your target audience, but it is SO refreshing (and a big relief) to read about women following their own happiness without the "requisite" spouse and child. As someone who does not particularly desire to have either of those things, it's fabulous to read about how a similarly-minded woman is living well. There is more than one route to happiness, and I'm glad you're sharing yours!
@Brigid: Au contraire, my dear! You are my target audience. The Spinsterlicious Life is not about age, it's about attitude. You may be single for the time being or forever, but you should enjoy whatever stage of life you're in...without pressure to follow societal norms. Follow your own norms! I'm glad you're enjoying this
Thought this was interesting - is marriage just a social badge?
Time Mag: "Getting married is a way to show family and friends that you have a successful personal life," says Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University and the author of The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today. "It's like the ultimate merit badge."
Strange but I get the merit badge idea.
Despite never having made elaborate plans for my wedding getting married at 40 was very cool, and I have to say it also felt like a "relief" that I'd managed to do something "normal" too. . .although we never wanted kids, so there goes normal.
In fact normal got burst a year ago when I lost my husband to cancer but somehow I am surviving and thriving and have a new appreciation of life. And of being single- love the blog. Very affirming.
I agree with you and I wish I could say that this woman's comments were outside the norm. They are for me (and you) but...
I loved shopping for my dress and planning my wedding, but nothing compared the happiness I felt to finally finding the guy--at 34--which almost 20 years ago was right at spinsterhood.
Okay so I'm a little behind on my spinsterlicious reading--but I'm loving the blog!
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