Wednesday, November 10, 2010

You Still Single???

I've had a few conversations with fellow Spinsters about appropriate responses to the question "why aren't you married?"  I get asked that a lot, and lots of other women I know do, too.  I'm a little bemused about the double standard here because, while most people think it's perfectly acceptable to ask someone why they're single, it would seem hostile to ask someone "why are you married?"  So I don't ask, but I often want to know the answer to that question.

 I know that most people who ask are not trying to be insulting and I always feel like the onus is on me to keep the tenor of the conversation light.  So, instead of saying "I'll tell you why I'm not married if you'll tell me why you are", I try to respond without responding; I don't want to offend yet I really don't want to treat this as an important question.  And, honestly, I don't wonder why people, in general, get married; I do, though sometimes wonder why some specific people get married...or married to the person they're married to.

Anyway, I try to always have in the back of my mind an array of responses, depending on the situation, who I'm talking to, and most importantly, my mood.  They range from passive to simple to provocative to ridiculous to quite honest, and they include (always said with a smile):

  • Gee, I haven't found the right guy
  • Oh, there's still time (which is kinda funny because of my age)
  • Clearly there's something very wrong with me
  • No one will even go out with me
  • It's cheaper and less stressful than a divorce
  • Because I'm not ready to stop having sex
  • I like dating too much
  • Because I want him to go home sometimes
  • I'm just too good for any one man
  • It just seems really, really hard...and I'm lazy



What I've learned, though, is it really doesn't matter what my response is because the ask-er has usually already decided that there's something wrong with me.  Getting married is the norm and bucking the norm is...abnormal.

I need some new material: please send me a few good responses to this rather tiring question.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Something quirky like .....

- That's for ME to know and for you to never find out.

- I'm sorry but if I tell you I'll have to kill you afterwards. So I'll just zip my lip.

- Because this way I can have my cake AND eat it too

;-) ;-)

I think you've probably got the quirky sense of humor to pull it off too!!!

i0lan....

Anonymous said...

Take it as a compliment. When my late father asked this question, he meant: "You are such a lovely young lady, and I want you to experience the joys of building a life with someone..." I know this, because I called him on it a few times after he asked this question of my single friends. I too was single, and we had many long conversations about marriage. Interestingly enough, my mother NEVER asked my friends this question.

Anonymous said...

Why are you still single?

Answer:

Because I'm in a committed relationship with me, myself and I.

tessa said...

I like the one about wanting him to go home sometimes. :)

I'm not married because:
--I value my happiness.
--I don't want a roommate or a second job (which is what most marriages eventually turn into).
--Marriage is an archaic, patriarchal, oppressive institution and I want no part of that.

jerseygirlnla said...

Why am I single? Because I haven't found anyone smart enough to marry me! That usually gives them pause :)

eleanore said...

You go, Jersey Girl!!

asc said...

"[awkward pause, look around the room, shift uneasily] ...oh your dad hasn't had that talk with you and your mom yet?" ... smirk, then laugh heartily. they'll leave you alone after that one ;)