I Want You...But Maybe Not All The Time

This is one of my favorite cartoons.  It’s from The New Yorker, one of my favorite magazines.  I have it taped to my refrigerator.   It captures my sentiments exactly.

Guys don’t really like it, though.  My thinking is that when they see it they’ll relax because they know I won’t be trying to rush them into anything that’s more serious than they’re ready for.  Instead, they wonder what’s wrong with me.  Sometimes they take offense because, of course, I should want as much of them as I can get;  they take it as a pre-rejection.


 I just think the caption is funny…and so true…for me.  It reminds me of that joke when a guy tries to enter a store that says it’s “open 24 hours”, but it’s in the process of closing.  He says to the guy locking up, “I thought you were open 24 hours?”  The guys says, “we are…but not in a row”.  I love that.  Same thing, right?


So, am I weird for wanting him, but not wanting him around all the dang time? I (and the cartoonist) cannot be the only ones who feel this way.

Cute Boys. How Young is Too Young?

The other day, I had a conversation with my friend, Stacy, about dating younger guys.  She wanted to know “how young is too young”?  That’s an interesting question.  I think it depends on what you want from it. 

If you just want sex and some momentary fun then I don’t think there is such thing as “too young”.  Okay, I take that back;  I’m not Mary Kay Letourneau and I’m not trying to go to jail.  Re-stated:  if you just want sex and some momentary fun, than I think any age over 18 is fine.  Maybe 21…or whatever the legal age is in your state… just to be safe . 

But it really has to just be sex and some momentary fun and that really should be all you want.  A grown woman cannot have a real relationship with a man half her age…I don’t care what Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife says.  (She, in her 40s, is engaged to a  19-year-old.  Celebrities don’t count, though, because they’re already abnormal). 

My rule, in general, has pretty much been 15 years on either end, i.e., 15 years older than me and 15 years younger, giving me a range of men with an age spread of 30 years. (Lots to pick from).   But you know what:  this rule has changed from time to time because it depends on how old I am.  When I was just a young thing, I sometimes went out with guys much, much older:  me, 26; him 60.  (I know).   I couldn’t have gone 15 years younger because I’d then be writing this from my prison cell. 

Now the reverse is true.  I’m still willing to go 15 years younger, but really only 5-8 years older.  A man who’s more than 10 years older than me is kinda old.   And I don’t apologize for that; guys are very open about preferring someone younger…and so am I!   The guy I see now is 10 years younger than me and that feels about right.

So, back to Stacy’s question.  If you want a serious relationship, really want him to be your man and you’re a woman-of-a-certain age, I think anybody more than 10 years younger than you are could be tricky.  Y’all should at least both remember the original version of the same song; if you remember Diana Ross singing I’m Coming Out, and he only remembers Biggie and Puffy’s version that was sampled in Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems…then I think you could have a problem.  

Here’s some things to think about.  Even though he’s younger, he should be old enough to:

·         Have some of the same cultural reference points without you always having to explain

·         Have worked long enough to have a career, not just a job.  You should not be taking care of his a$$

·         Know that sneakers cannot be his primary footwear

·         Understand that he can only go to the club every now and than…unless he’s a DJ

·         Wear his pants with a belt

·         Not tolerate regular motherly advice from you (“shouldn’t you be wearing a sweater, dear”).  If you’re doing that, stop it and find someone old enough to know if he needs a sweater.

Dating younger men can make you feel young and put a definite bounce in your step (and let’s not forget the s-e-x), but be reasonable.  If you want him to stick around for a long time, choose wisely:  the image of him pushing you in your wheelchair just isn’t attractive.

Did I miss anything?  How do you know if he’s too young?

Our Spinsterlicious Man of the Month: Derek McGinty

eSo what's it like for a guy?  A guy who's never been married...has no kids. Is he Spinsterlicious, too, or is there something wrong with him?  Is he having a different experience than mine?  I wonder.  So I asked somebody and he graciously agreed to be the first Spinsterlicious Man of the Month and Guest Blogger.

Derek McGinty is a Washington, DC newscaster, blogger, funny guy, and my good friend, and here's his Spinsterlicious story in his own words :

So this morning I get a call from my Dad and after the small talk I realize I'm in for more of The Talk.

"So, how are you and Cheryl doing?" he asks. I assure him that my girlfriend of 5 months and I are doing just fine. "We're having a really nice time together."

He begins to push the kid agenda again, and I remind him that I'm 51 and she's a tad older and perhaps he ought to let that go...cause we sure have.

Then its on to 'whose gonna take care of me when I'm old? and when that doesn't get any new answers he wonders aloud when I'm going to 'lock this thing down.' As in get married.

Sigh. Ladies, I'm here to tell you we guys go through it too. My Dad (God love him!) has the same dreams for me that yours has for you--marriage and children. And even though my brother and sister have kicked out a total of 5 grand kids for him, he still worries about his eldest boy. (Me.)

But I don't worry. Not anymore. After years of navel gazing and self recriminations, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a fairly commitment phobic guy and probably won't get married (though ya never know!) and I'm okay with it.

I really wanted to meet all those societal expectations. Or at least I wanted to want to. But at 51 you get to know yourself a bit, or at least you should.

And honestly, I am the luckiest guy in the world. I've got a good gig, a woman who knows all about me and loves me regardless... and I'm still healthy enough to enjoy life.

Kids and family are great things, and in a different world I'm sure I'd be living that life and loving it. But in this world? I'm seriously Spinsterlicious, and feeling damn good about that too.

 

So what do y'all think?  He sounds pretty Spinsterlicious to me.   (Thanks, D!)

A Room of My Own (At the Very Least)

A few years ago, a guy I was dating brought up the subject of marriage.  I kind of had a panic attack which I blamed on feeling like I was catching the flu.  Once I calmed down (and was safely home), I called my friend, Benilde.  As we talked, I tried to envision what it might be like to be married to him and I remember saying to her, “at the very least, we would have to have separate bedrooms” (and I’m thinking to myself “maybe even on separate floors”.)    I would really need to have my own space. Lots of it.


Benilde was very much against that, telling me that sharing a bed was one of the most intimate parts of marriage…not in a sexual way, but in a pillow talk way.  She said “Some of a couple’s most important conversations happen in bed.  You can’t sleep in separate rooms”.  So I thought “Eff it, then”.  That was the only way this was going to happen.   I wasn’t giving it  serious consideration anyway, but that little chat shut it all the way down.


So, guess what.  The other day, I’m watching Oprah and a perfectly lovely couple in their 30s (I’m guessing) announced that they have a happy marriage…and separate bedrooms.  They have hidden this from most people because they didn’t want to be judged. People assume that if a couple is sleeping in separate rooms that there’s no sex and no joy.  For them, it is quite the opposite and they finally wanted to “come out of the closet” about their sleeping arrangements.  They are sure that having separate bedrooms has helped them  maintain a strong marriage.  I totally get that. 


Dr Phil, who was guesting on the show, was squarely in the Benilde camp.  He was sure this was not a  good idea for similar reasons that Benilde was.  Apparently not everybody agrees, though, because 1 in 4 U.S. couples have separate bedrooms.


And dig this:   60% of the new houses that are being built have two master bedrooms.  That means lots of married people are acknowledging (and acting on) what I knew years ago.   Fortunately, it dawned on me rather quickly that separate bedrooms wasn’t really what I have needed…separate houses was more like it.


What do you think of separate bedrooms for a couple?  Help –or- Hurt?

The Spinsterlicious Shoe-of-the-Week

I’m into shoes. (See earlier posting “The Joy of High Heels). I care way more about the shoes I’m wearing than any outfit. In fact, I usually get dressed from the bottom up: what shoes do I want to wear --> what goes with them?

Here’s my Spinsterlicious Shoe-of-the-Week story: I was on a second date with a handsome Italian. It’s almost ridiculous how much he fit the stereotype: dark, handsome, stylishly outfitted in well-fitting Italian designer clothes, and just enough of an accent that everything he said sounded sexy and wonderful.

We met on Match.com and had a nice, but short, first date a few days before. We met for brunch but he was late and I couldn’t linger so we ate quickly and agreed to get together again soon…and we actually did. I was looking forward to it.

He got to the restaurant first, and when I spotted him he was even more handsome than I remembered. He stood to greet me, hugged me, and sniffed my neck just a bit. A very sexy move. We fell into easy conversation and at one point, he asked me what I had done that day. I had been shopping and was wearing the shoes I bought. He said “let me see them”. I lifted my foot a bit; he reached down, slipped his hand in the instep of the shoe and caressed my foot. Aaaah. It was amazing.

And that memory is the reason I chose this shoe as the Spinsterlicious Shoe for this week.

Do you have a Spinsterlicious Shoe story you’d like to share? To be considered for the Spinsterlicious Shoe-of-the-Week, write me at eleanore@thespinsterliciouslife.com with your story and a picture of the shoe.

Because You Can't Have a Kid-Walker

Reason #67 why being Spinsterlicious is so cool.   It was a hot Saturday after a very long week.  I was at home, sprawled on the couch, New York Times on my lap, tv remote control in my hand, and Danny-the-world’s-cutest-dog by my side.  My plan was to stay like that for most of the day.  It was perfect; nobody could bother me for anything. 

 

Around 11a, the phone rang.  I almost didn’t answer, but it was a number I didn’t recognize and my curiosity got the best of me.  A couple of friends were visiting from out of town and were in my neighborhood.    A few minutes later, we were having sangria at a restaurant down the street.  Just like that.  The sangria was supposed to be it because I had napping to do, a newspaper to read, and DVR’d shows to catch up on.  Somehow, though, after we left the sangria place we ended up in Battery Park City having a leisurely lunch at an outdoor restaurant.   It was really hot and I was glad I’d left the A/C on at home for Danny.


After lunch, they convinced me to take a ride upstate to Hudson, NY to pop in on another friend who was renting a summer house up there.    This was turning out to be a spectacular day: totally unplanned and a lot of fun.    By now, many hours had passed since I dashed out of the house for my adventure.  I called Mike, the guy who walks Danny during the week while I’m at work.  “Would you mind walking Danny for me?  I’m going to be out a lot longer than I expected”.   He said “yes”.    When I got home that night, I was exhausted and happy.  Danny was fine, chilling on the couch; we were happy to see each other.  It was a great day, completely spontaneous, and very fun.


And you know what? That glorious day could never have happened that way if Danny was my child instead of my dog.  Well, I guess it could have, but someone might have reported me to the authorities…because you can leave the dog alone for hours while you go out on a moment’s notice, but people get upset if you do that to your kid.   Childfree, baby.

The Joy of High Heels

So, here’s an observation (a fairly obvious one, I’ll admit):  I get a lot more attention from guys when I’m wearing heels.  That’s not really a surprise, but it happens way more now that I’m old-ish.   Many years ago, all I needed was my youth to catch a man’s eye.  Now that that’s gone, it takes props.  That’s okay.  I love wearing heels.  And though high heels, on a long day are neither comfortable nor practical, that’s not the point.

Being Spinsterlicious means wearing heels…not every day, but you can’t completely give up on them…even if your feet sometimes hurt.   

High heels can give you (and your spirit) an extra bounce.  And when you  want to meet a man, they’re one of the easiest and best tools.  Guys are visual.  They like the way a woman looks and the way she walks in heels.   

Plus, if you can walk in them, you look and feel differently, too:  cuter, sexier, more alive.  The key, though, is “if you can walk in them”.  One of my pet peeves is a woman clunking along in heels that she can’t walk in.  You want to look captivating, not like a doofus.  If your feet hurt or you just haven’t mastered the art of doing your thing in heels, hold off until you’re ready. 

 

But do get ready. Throw on some heels, strut your stuff, keep your mojo working!  Watch how many eyes you catch…

One of my favorite Spinsterlicious shoes:  

Is It The Way I'm Wired??

I’m not anti-marriage.   In fact, I think marriage can be something really great…when it’s right.  And I guess that’s the thing.  It seems really hard.   I think it was Bryant Gumbel, during a recent stint co-hosting The View, who said a person has to “really, really, really want to be married for it to work.”  (Two of those “reallys” are actually mine).   And I’ve never really, really, really wanted to. 


So, take now, for instance.  I’m not in a serious relationship but I am seeing someone.  He’s a nice guy…a great guy in fact (who I hope doesn’t read blogs).  So, though I’m not in love, I am enjoying  what we have.  So why am I trying to mess it up?  Well, I’m not really trying to mess it up but here’s what happened.   At a friend’s dinner party, I met her friend who is interesting, funny, cute...and single.  So I decided I wanted to go out with him.  As we were making plans to get together, I remembered  "the other guy".  Later I became a bit ferklempt: why am I sniffing around this man when I have something else nice going on?  Geez. 


 I’ve always done this…but I’m not a young’un anymore.  Why am I still acting like it?  Shouldn’t I be trying to settle down?


 I asked my girlfriend that very question.  She just laughed.  “Honey, you’re just not wired that way.  Do your thing”.  So…I am.


What do you think?  Should a “woman of a certain age” stop dating around and start settling in?

Forever Young...or Immature?

So, yes, I’m pretty pleased with my Spinsterlicious life...but maybe I’m a little nuts, too.  I dunno.  My friend, Lorraine, has an adorable son, AJ.   One day he asked his parents,  “Is Auntie Eleanore a grown-up?”  I loved it because I was sure he was implying, “she’s so youthful and cool and fun,  she couldn’t possibly be as old as you two are!”  (His parents are actually younger than me).  Alas, turns out he was saying something really different.   What he meant was “…because she doesn’t have a husband or any children”.   Uh-oh.  Even at 4 years old, he understood that I hadn’t done what I was supposed to.  (Sigh).

Fast forward a few years.  The New York Times Magazine recently ran an article "What Is It About Twenty-Somethings" by Robin Marantz Henig  (http://nyti.ms/cta9uH)  that talks about the traditional transition to adulthood as having five milestones:  completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying, and having a child!  WTF!?  I’m stuck at stage three.  So AJ isn’t the only one who thinks I'm not a grown-up.  

I never really liked too much being told what to do and I find this  blurry, undefined existence to be freeing.  When you buck major traditions, there’s not a lot of rules you have to follow.  If you’re supposed to get married and have children, and you don’t…well, it’s kinda wide open. 

A guy I used to date who really wanted to get married used to complain that I lived like a college student.  What was it?  The lack of food in my refrigerator?  Not making my bed? No ironing board? Because I’m using the same pots I bought when I graduated from college?   He went on to marry and drive another woman crazy.    I, on the other hand, like this prolonged adolescence…especially since there’s no acne or curfew.   Maybe that’s what’s keeping me young.

So, now I’m wondering: what really makes a “grown-up”?

Spinsterlicious? Yep

 The Spinsterlicious Life; my musings about the realities and joys of being single, child-free, and not mad about it.   Here’s how this whole thing  got started.  I ran into a woman I knew from years ago at a party and before I could answer “How are you doing”, she asked me “Are you married, yet”?   I’m asked this a lot and I feel I always have to have a quip ready: one that seems lighthearted but hopefully also conveys that I think it’s a bizarre question.  There’s nothing wrong with asking if I’m married, but the “yet” implies that this is something I must do. 

But I never really thought so. 

I am a heterosexual woman, I live in New York City,  I love dating…and I date a lot.   I have an awesome life:   a successful career as the owner of a marketing consultancy --Golden Door Consulting--  with a great income that allows me to afford a second home in the Hamptons, an active social life, and vacations around the world.  I have great relationships with my family and a fabulous circle of good friends.  I support charitable organizations with my money and time, and adore my 11-year-old Yorkie, Danny.   Despite all this goodness, there are many who look at my statistics and feel sorry for me.

What struck me about that recent encounter is that the “Are you married, yet” chick is going through her third divorce.  And she’s looking at me all crazy. 

Marriage and kids were never really in my plans.  Not everybody gets that., though.  Admitting this in a social setting can really slow down a conversation.  Most women want a husband and children so there’s obviously something wrong with the woman who doesn’t...right? 

Did you know that the number of unmarried adults in the US rose from 28% in 1970  -to- 47% in 2010?   That’s right…almost half of U.S. adults are single.  And if we focus on the Never Married, that description fits 23% of white women in the U.S. in 2009, and 45% of black women. That's a lot of people; so it's really not that uncommon.

Even more interesting (to me, anyway), is that more women than ever are choosing not to have children.  Thirty years ago, only 20% of women in their early 40s had no children; that number has now doubled.  It's interesting because it seems there's the belief that if you have a uterus, you should use it. but more and more women have been saying “not really”.

Obviously, I am not the only Spinster out there.  I know --and I know you know-- lots of fabulous women who are not wives or mothers.  In fact, there’s a whole world of similarly-situated women out there who just want to be acknowledged as the  smart, attractive, fascnating people they are.

This blog is for them, and any grown woman who hasn’t married or procreated…maybe for the time being, maybe forever AND the people who look askance at her.  

Everybody needs to lighten up. 

Being single without children is not the norm – yet— but there’s a lot that’s really good about being single, free, and unencumbered. 

So, I'll be blogging about that...and all kinds of other things that might cross my mind.  I'm hoping you'll join me in the conversation: your thoughts, your reactions, your own experiences. 

Postscript: Check out Ad Age's article on this very topic:  http://adage.com/article?article_id=146376

[I didn't make those numbers up:  Statistics Source: The US Census]

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