Can You Say Your Mate is Fat?

Several years ago, one of my best friends, Charlotte, gained quite a bit of weight. Although we talk about everything, I watched her get bigger and bigger but I didn't say anything because I didn't think I was supposed to.   Every television talk show  has had an episode where people were admonished  for bringing up a friend's/family member's weight.   We are told "don't do it".   So I didn't.   I wondered what the heck was going on but I said nothing.   So imagine my surprise a few months later when she yelled at me over lunch for not pointing out her weight gain.  The conversation went something like this:

Charlotte:  Did you notice that I gained weight?

Me:  Of course.

Charlotte:  Well, why the f*&^ didn't you say something?

Me:  I didn't think i was supposed to.

Charlotte:   Why not?  You're supposed to be my friend.  Why wouldn't you say something, for chrissakes?!

Me:  (laughing)  You knew you were fat.  You knew it before I did.   What were you seeing when you were naked in front of the mirror? 

Charlotte:  I don't know.  I guess I wasn't paying attention, but I would think a good friend would call my attention to it instead of just letting me get bigger and bigger.

She went on to say her husband finally said something to her and that she was now trying to correct it but she would have preferred I said something as soon as I noticed.  I pointed out to her that I think her husband --moreso than me-- is the person who should say something.   She made me promise that I would tell her the next time she started to pork up and so I did.  She appreciated it.

Charlotte and I still laugh about this, but I think she's unusual in that way.   I don't think most people want to have their weight gain pointed out to them.   Which leads me to this next situation.  My friend, Janis, has a friend who is concerned about his girlfriend's weight gain.  They've been living together for about six months and he is troubled by the weight she has put on during that time.  So he asked Janis if he should say something to her.  Janis wasn't sure, so she posted a Facebook poll to ask some of her friends what they thought.  The responses were interesting, with the vast majority saying a resounding NO.

I was one of those in the minority because I think he should say something to her.   In fact, I think he has to.   When one-half of a couple is bothered by something about the other half, it's going to come out one way or another.   When people don't voice their concerns, they usually act them out and that's worse.  We all know what it's like to be with someone who's acting strange, being different but he/she isn't saying anything.  You know something's wrong but you dont' know what.  That's what would happen here.   If he doesn't say to her that her weight gain is bothering him, he will show her and I think that's more hurtful.  I say "man up" and say what's on your mind.   Be sensitive, be caring, but be straight with her.   It'll clear the air and keep him from glaring at her belly or rolling his eyes every time she reaches for a cookie. 

I was with an ex- recently and noticed that he'd put on quite a bit of weight.  I hadn't quite decided how far this reconnection was going to go, but I do recall being somewhat taken aback by the size of his gut when he took his shirt off while working in the yard.   I thought "ooh, that's not good".   I couldn't decide what to say or how to say it so I said nothing but I wasn't thrilled.   Fortunately, it became clear pretty quickly that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to re-start the relationship so his weight gain became a moot point... but I couldn't help but wonder if it would have been inappropriate to say something.  Part of my concern was appearance and part of it was health.  It's been proven that weight gain around the middle, in particular, is not a good thing from a health perspective.   But I know people talk the health angle when what they're really thinking about is the appearance.  The health thing is really only a concern if we're going to be together long-term.  The immediate issue was that it just didn't look good.   I'm not sure it should matter but I felt like it might.  (Yeah, I was having a shallow moment).

I don't think it's fair to mention being bothered by someone's weight gain if you entered the relationship knowing your partner has weight "issues".   However, a normally slim/fit person who gains 40 pounds changes the equation and I think it's fair to say something.


But I was surprised at how many people, mostly women, were adamant that weight is off- limits as a "something's bothering me" subject, no matter what.  What do you think?