Bella DePaulo is a Visiting Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara. She's just published a new book, Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, And How To Stop It …and I'm one of 28 contributing essayists! (Yay!)
What Bella and I have in common is that we're both determined to chip away at the prevailing thinking that marriage is what grown-ups are supposed to do and that not doing so is, well, just wrong…and weird…and kinda pathetic. Actually, Bella isn't just chipping away at it, she's using a sledgehammer. Singlism is just one piece of a large body of Bella's work dedicated to combatting discrimination and silliness against the Unmarried. She even coined the word Singlism.
And speaking of singlism (the act, not the book), I had dinner the other day with a dear friend, who got married just a couple of years ago. She commented that she was surprised at how her social life has soared now that she's a married woman. Paula has always had a pretty robust social life and now it's even robust-er. She said she noticed that many women who she's known for years (while she was single) have now embraced her and began extending social invitations to her…when they never really had before. Some invitations are for her and her husband, but many are for her. Now that she's a married woman she has been welcomed into "The Club"! This is funny to me…but also a bit silly, don't you think…unless, of course, you're one of the married women who isn't extending invitations to women who aren't married. Geez.
Like sexism and racism, singlism isn't always intentional or conscious. But like sexism and racism, it is very real.
NOTE: If you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe in the box on the right -or- if you have a Google Account, you can click on "Follow Me" also on the right, near the bottom. You'll receive an email each time there's an update to the blog. Don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!
8 comments:
So sad, but all too familiar. Last night, sensing my flatmate and her bf wanted some romantic couply alone time watching Wall-E on Blu-Ray (sigh), I went out with a single friend, B, who dates a lot but only settled once (then the guy died on her). At some point in the night I was gobsmacked when B's oldest friend (in both senses of the word) pulled me aside at a gallery we were in and started savaging B, saying she can't take hearing about "all these men" anymore and that B was "getting a reputation around town" (we live in Sydney's inner city) and how she's going to "lose all her friends if she continues this kind of behaviour" etc. It does appear that B's singledom is the bane of everyone's life in our social circle and it's true, she is being ostracised. She's not alone, though. My ex invited me to a BBQ for his little boy's 2nd birthday this weekend, but there's just no way I could front up to that because I KNOW what his wife and family will think, despite the truth - that we're just mates and only ever talk shop, and rarely see each other anyway. But it would be "inappropriate", wouldn't it? Like our singledom. It's all so inappropriate, isn't it? Sigh...
Oh yes, singlism is really real. I have been excluded from many conversations just because people think I have nothing to say as I am unmarried. How pathetically stupid. I am currently reading, Childfree and Loving It, and the same sentiments sort of relate here. The thing is, people think we are lacking for some reason because we choose to be single and unmarried and it is a double-standard. But, I must admit, I could care less half the time. All of my friends know me as being indepedent and as having zero desire to date or marry or have kids and they all accept me. The only people I have yet to convince are my parents but that is ok, as I love and have more patience for them than outside parties.
Okay, maybe I'm just the most well balanced person in the universe, or perhaps I'm really far gone crazy, koo-koo, or just plan stupid. But I just can't fathom even the concept of "Singlism".
I'm married, but never felt like it was something I had to do in order to feel successful in life. And I've never looked at anyone single and felt that they were missing out on something. I have tons of girlfriends, single and married, and don't treat them any differently because of their marital status. Neither does my husband. I'm happy to go out with other couples, and I see my single friends regularly as well, sometimes it's girls only, and sometimes my husband joins us. He's happy either way and also doesn't hold any prejudices.
My friends are my friends and I enjoy their company whether they're single or married. It's never crossed my mind to extend, or not extend, an invitation to someone, or make a plan for a social activity based on their marital status.
Oh and I forgot to say.....
CONGRATS on being asked to conribute to DePaulo's book!
I completely agree with Molly!!! My gosh, who are these people and, remind me, what year is this?
I'm sorry to say this has happened to me once. I became friends with a woman I had met through my church and she was dating someone at the time. We always hung out and did women's Bible study together, etc. even though she saw her BF on a regular basis. She got married and then all of a sudden she only did couples Bible study and she pretty much dropped off the planet. I was even in her wedding! It was very strange. Id dind't hear from her again until she got divorced. Needless to say we aren't as close.
You are looked at weirdly. And you're just single. I think its worst when you go from being married to the "divorce club". No one knows how to accept you, no one understands why? Those who are single, seem to have a hard time accepting you back into their club. Those who are married, look at you like a failure for not fighting. Why is it so complicated? Why cant we just be friends regardless of what significant other thing is going on in our lives?
Post a Comment