Cyrano and Me

My friend, K, really wants to be married.  She's a lovely woman, a lot more conservative than I am, and she always believed marriage and kids should be part of her life.   Since she wants that, I want that for her.   And that's how this story began.  K went to a Speed Dating event hoping to meet the man who might become her husband.   She met a guy.  Actually she met two guys and that's how her troubles started.   By the way, this is one way that she and I are different.  If I met two guys, I'd think "Absolutely! Always have a spare".   K meets two guys and thinks she has to pick one. 

But first she has to decide which one, so she goes on a date with each one so she can learn enough to inform her decision regarding which one should be The One.  I'm thinking, "just date them both", but she won't listen to me.   Long story short, she picked the wrong one.   She also didn't handle passing on the other one so well, so he stopped speaking to her.

A year goes by and she's still talking about The One That Got Away.   But she's just talking about it.  She won't call him or write him or Tweet him...nuthin.   She's talking about it and I'm sick of hearing about it.   So the next time she brings it up, I tell her it's time to put-up-or-shut-the-eff-up!  My thinking is, reach out to the guy, apologize for whatever happened, tell him you've thought about him from time to time, and would like a second chance.  But K is too shy to do that.  

I really thought she should call him. Their reconciliation would make a great story and I could tell it in the toast I'd give at their wedding.  She was too embarrassed to call, so I "convinced" her to email him.   Except she wouldn't.  We spent the whole dang afternoon talking about the email she wouldn't write.  And that's when I took matters into my own hands.   If Cyrano de Bergerac can do it, why can't I?

So I drafted what I'm sure was a lighthearted, charming and heartfelt note and sent it to him from K's email address.   She was both mortified and kind of excited.  I was very pleased with myself.   I told her she could treat me to dinner after their date.   Except there was no date.  She never heard from him.  He didn't respond to my her note.  And she felt embarrassed all over again, cringing from the rejection.  But we don't really know; maybe he's dead.

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Corporate Hoochie?

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about how glad I am that the mini-skirt is back.  I love them…but I’m now wondering if I should give the wearing of them a little more thought.   Yesterday I was in a “cute skirt” mood, so chose one that would be fitting for the assumed fun mood of the dinner I’d be having with a friend that night.  The skirt was indeed cute and I liked the way I looked in it, and the fact that it was short-ish but not exactly mini was perfect because I also had a meeting that day.  I checked myself out in my bedroom mirror from a few different angles, changed shoes a couple of times until I found the right ones and proceeded to sail off to my meeting.  My skirt was stylishly and summery short, not too much, just enough.  It was a lovely spring day and I was in a great mood.

The doors in the building elevator where my meeting was being held were shiny enough that they doubled as mirrors.  Uh-oh.  Something wasn’t quite right.  The skirt that was just a bit above my knees in my bedroom suddenly appeared to be mid-thigh…and I’m on my way to a business meeting.

How did that happen??  I went from feeling like a well-prepared, smartly dressed businesswoman to feeling like I looked like that chick who sued Citibank because they said she dressed  too sexy for the office. A corporate hoochie.  Her…and now me.  Geez.

Not that I look anything like her, but we should both re-think our outfits.  Anyway, though I was a little self-conscious, my meeting went fine. I did make it a point to make sure my legs were always demurely crossed at the knees.  No need to exacerbate the situation by flashing them, too! 


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My Virtual Family

Have you guys met my new family?  That's them in the drawing.  My husband, my daughter, and my son.  I think I'll call him Jeff; I haven't decided, yet, what to call the kids, but I imagine I'll get around to it at some point. 

It's funny, while I've spent all my years believing that I didn't need these additional people in my life, I may have been
wrong. Time and time again, I am presented with situations where everything would be better --at least temporarily--
if I had a husband and/or a kid or two. So, after resisting it for all these years, I've given in.  I went and got myself a
family.  Here's why:

• On a regular basis, I am expected to do something or be somewhere that I don't want to do or be.  I usually just say "I can't", but sometimes it's not that easy.  What I've noticed is that my friends regularly use their spouse and/or kids as an excuse to get them out of undesirable situations.  "I'm sorry, my kid has a fever/a soccer game/an important test that day."   "Gee, I can't because my husband will be away/has a commitment/is a grouch"...whatever.  It doesn't really even matter what the reason is; the point is that a spouse or kid is a perfectly acceptable reason to get you out of anything you want to be nicely gotten out of.  Nobody questions it.  On the other hand, when I say "no", I have to wrack my brain to come up with a creative and airtight story because people have no qualms whatsoever about trying to poke holes in my excuse until they get me to "yes".  A family-related excuse is untouchable. Any other "no" is open for debate.

• From time to time, I find myself in a somewhat uncomfortable situation where I'm struggling to establish a relationship with another woman and I'm not having a lot of success.  When it's a social situation, it's too bad but it's less of a big deal, but sometimes it's business, which makes it a little different.  As you know, much of what happens in a business situation is based on relationships and if I'm not getting any traction, then that can be a problem that matters.  I spoke about this with my good friend, Charlene, who is also a colleague. We are often in the same setting, both social and business, but I'm usually the only one getting tripped up trying to connect with a new woman.  Charlene and I are, obviously, not clones, but we are a lot alike in many ways so I've often been confounded that she is able to connect with many of these same women who are giving me blank looks.  She's noticed it, too.  She says that whenever things get off to a slow start with a new acquaintance, she just brings up the husband and/or kids.  It's kind of like guys and sports.  Something to connect over that's universal.  Except it isn't.  Not for me. 

So these are just two reasons why I've decided to create a virtual family for myself.   My husband and kids will get me out of some things and in to others. Nobody has to know they're not real.  Shhhh.



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The Cheating Husband. Do You Tell?

 I was talking to a good friend the other day and asked her why her friend Layla was a little chilly toward me. She's cordial—not rude, not cold—but not as friendly as she could be.  I don't know Layla that well, but I've been in her company a few times and I like her.  The feeling didn't seem to be mutual and I didn't know why.  After all, I'm delightful; how could she not want to be friends with me?

My friend's answer surprised me.  She thinks that Layla (obviously not her real name) suspects I may know some things about her husband that she'd prefer I not know.  It's possible that her husband may be a bit of a womanizer and, since I’m friendly with a guy who works (and plays) with him, the assumption is that I may know something about his alleged extracurricular activities.

That made me really uncomfortable, primarily because she’s kinda right.  I do know that the scuttlebutt is that her husband “plays around,” but that’s all I know; I don’t know any details.   And then I started to think, “Well, what if I did know some details?   What then?”   I don’t know the answer to that, but my guess is that if I knew her secret, it would change our relationship.

It’s funny.  As a commited spinster, a cheating husband of my own is something I’ll never have to grapple with.  However, somebody else’s cheating husband is a topic of conversation with friends from time to time.  Fortunately, it almost always involves people I know but who are not part of my inner circle.  And that’s as it should be.  That way, it’s salacious but not actionable.  It’s none of my business, except in a gossipy kind of way.
It would be very different, though, if the people involved were close friends of mine.  I’m pretty certain that I’d tell if I ever knew (or even heard the slightest word) that the husband of a dear friend was cheating on her.  (I’m assuming lots of gasps here).  Except for one person: I have one friend who has made it clear for many years (even before she was married) that she never wants anyone to tell her anything about her man.  Perhaps not surprisingly, her husband has had more than a few dalliances throughout their marriage. She has chosen not to know, and I respect honor that wish.

But  I’d tell anybody else who was near and dear because: 1) I’d feel like a terrible friend keeping a secret like that from a good friend; and 2) I think people should have all the information they can to make the decisions they need to make.  What they do with the information is up to them.

I take a pretty hard line against cheating husbands—a luxury I can afford because it’s all in the abstract for me.  I’m always confused by and disappointed in women who stay with these guys—again, a luxury I can have, viewing it from afar.  And I would tell because I would want to be told.  Many years ago, a woman I considered a good friend knew that the guy I was dating was also dating someone else.  She didn’t tell me until after the relationship ended, and I was pretty angry with her.  I felt betrayed by her, and I hated the fact that she knew things about my relationship that I didn’t.  It changed our friendship a bit.  So I understand Layla’s response to me.

So, should you tell your good friend about her cheating husband?  I think most people say “no.”  But I wonder if, by keeping quiet, we’re making it easy for him. Why are we protecting him?


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Crazy New Yorker?

One month after losing my job, I have the good fortune of doing a short-term freelance assignment at what appears to be a pretty cool agency.  I’m working on an interesting project with a great team of really smart and fun women.

I hate working out, refuse to go to a gym, and can’t run anymore because my knees aren’t cooperating, so my punishment  reward is that I walk just about everywhere I go.  I gotta fit exercise in somehow and walking is a great way to experience New York City.  Building in extra time and carrying an extra pair of shoes has become part of my daily routine. 

This new assignment is 1.75 miles from my home, so I’m getting in 3-1/2 miles round trip  every day.  My walk takes me through some of the busiest and most populated parts of New York City.  Twice a day I pass by Penn Station (a major hub for train and subway commuters), Times Square (the center of the universe, some say) and the Theater
District (where all the Broadway shows do their thing).   It’s like being in a really big,  poorly-organized parade. 

There’s all kinds of people along the way:  tourists who are wonderful for the City’s economy but are kind of just standing around and looking, hustlers doing whatever it is they do, teenagers who might be on their way to school but maybe not, and people scurrying to their jobs.  Actually I should say trying to scurry because it’s impossible to move at a decent pace with all these people.

I usually look for a tall businessman in a suit and let him run interference for me.  He’s  focused on getting to work so I follow him just closely enough that I don’t look like a stalker and he kinda moves the people out of the way for me.  It works, but I don’t want to have to always do that.

And this is why I’m about to become a Crazy New Yorker.  I want to pass legislation that designates a sidewalk or street lane for People on a Mission…my mission being I’m trying to get somewhere.  I don’t ever want to be the kind of person that yells at a group of tourists to get outta my way, but I would like to say in the friendliest voice I can "Excuse me, but you’re in the Mission lane, would you mind stepping to the side?"

Anybody want to sign my petition?


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A Young Man's Body

He was gorgeous.  I saw him from a distance and I thought to myself "Wow. Who is that?!"  As he came closer, he smiled at me.  I was delighted...then slightly disappointed.  I realized that all that goodness coming toward me was my friend, C's son.  Darn,  It was great to see him, but now in a totally different way.

He hugged me and when I touched his arm it was a bit of a shock.  It was hard as a rock.  Really.  I had forgotten what a young, really young, man's body feels like. (He's 22).  It was interesting because many of the men I date are in good shape...but good shape for a man-of-a-certain age, not good shape like I was touching right then. 

 

And then I laughed because I totally got it.  It was the female equivalent of an older man lusting after a much younger woman's body.  I forgive them all.  I touched his arm again.  I liked it.  I'm not confused, though.  I have zero interest in being with a 22 year old...but there's nothing wrong with a little fantasy, right?



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My Spinsterlicious Freedom!

I lost my job on March 4.   It's been a month and a few days and I'm a bit disturbed to admit that I'm enjoying having this time off!  It's a little embarrassing, really; I should be more upset.  It makes me sound like a real slacker, doesn't it?   

Here's the deal: I've been working since I was 15.  I'm tired.  While I've had lots of time off in my lifetime, it's usually a vacation so I'm traveling.  This is the first time that I've had an entire month of doing nuthin. 

Of course there are a few things that aren't great about not having a job:

•  Ummm...the money thing.

• Going on job interviews.  I've been extremely fortunate to have lots of interviews; I realize that.  The problem is that I have to tell the same story over and over again at each one while trying to sound interested and excited and convincing like I didn't just have this same conversation the day before. 

• Busying myself when my cleaning lady comes.   (No, of course I didn't fire her. I would have to be close to homeless to fire my cleaning lady.  I don't have a single cleaning gene in my body).  She comes too early (9a) when I'm still wandering around in my pjs.  Then I have to throw something on and leave the house because I feel ridiculous sitting around on my butt while someone else cleans my apartment.  So I have to leave.

Here's why I'm having such a good time being unemployed:

• Going to bed when I feel like it.  When I work, I need a full 7-8 hours sleep, so I try to be in bed by 11p whether I want to or not.  No more.  I go to bed when I'm sleepy.  I like it.

• Getting up in the morning when I want to. I schedule my interviews for the afternoon so I can sleep in.

• I've cleared out my DVR!   Plus, I'm watching all kinds of delicious junk on TV.  (I don't know who I love more: Judge Judy or Judge Mathis).

• This has been a real boon to my social life because I can now go out every night if I want to.  Ordinarily, I don't want to go out too many nights during the week and I certainly don't want to drink that often, but now I can... and do.

• Long, leisurely lunches. 

• Long, leisurely walks with the dog

• There's no Sunday night meltdown.  I used to dread Sunday nights because, when work stopped being good, I'd get that ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought about having to go back in.

• I was able to get away with not loaning a friend some money.  I generally think loaning money is a bad idea and this would have really been a bad idea, but I might have done it anyway because it was so pathetic.  But, I have no job so I can't possibly, right!?  (Whew).

• And lastly, the best thing about this?  Being the Spinsterlicious lady that I am, being unemployed affects no one but me!  I don't have to worry or feel guilty about the husband and children I don't have who might have been relying on the money that's not coming in. 

It's all good. (I know, I know.  I need to find a job at some point)


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Guest Blog: Felicia Loves Being Married

 What does Felicia --dear friend, protector of women's rights, and head of the Tulsa YWCA-- have to say about being married?

In her own words:  

I'm headed to my family home for the first time since my 89 year old father passed away.  I was here a month ago to bury him.  As I am flying, readying myself for the flood of emotions I will experience as I pull up to the house, I take out my iPod and listen to two songs over and over again; “No One” by Alicia Keys, and “Here I am Lord” by Robert Kochis.  I realize after about 20 minutes of stopping and starting the iPod, rejecting other songs that want to be heard, that each of these songs represents the first and last songs I added to my playlist.  

Both are comforting for very different reasons that are so difficult to understand, much less explain, and both songs make me want to cry for very different reasons.  “No One”, by Alicia, the first song I purchased years ago when this device was new, speaks to the love I feel for my husband, the love of my life for nearly thirty years.  My husband who still cracks me up with his wicked sense of humor and whom I miss the moment we are apart. The man whose body I know and love as much as much as my own.

And “Here I Am Lord” was the first hymn sung at my dad’s funeral.  My dad was so dedicated to doing what was asked of him.  My mom died when my youngest brother was 12; so he was our mother and father for the past 40 years. He was an unselfish man who did what was required of him by my mother, by life circumstances and by God.
So the amazingly strong emotion I feel at losing my dad, by my account the greatest dad any woman has ever had, is as overwhelming as the love I feel for my husband.  

That thought brings it home, Eleanore.  Being single in your fifties I think might be fun, but I can’t imagine going through this profound loss and managing these feelings of grief without having the love, support and comfort of my husband.  I have friends whom I love and who care about me, but my husband is my best friend and I wouldn’t trade him or my marriage to him for anything in this world. Spinsterlicious I am not!

What a lovely tribute to Felicia's husband and father.  I agree that no girl would want to go through the loss of her beloved dad alone.  When my dad died a few years ago, I was fortunate to have the love and support of my boyfriend.  Felicia has a really good marriage; not everybody does.  A loving, supportive relationship isn't exclusive to marriage.  At any rate, Felicia should be thanking me because I hooked her up with her hubby!




 
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Six-Month Round-up

It's been six months since The Spinsterlicious Life was born.  I was so nervous.  I had never blogged before, and am not especially tech savvy so I wasn't sure that I wouldn't make a mess of the whole thing.  I started the blog because I've written a book with the same name, a cross between a memoir and self-help book...that is, tales about my adventures in dating and other experiences, paired with my tongue-in-cheek thoughts on what life lessons might be offered to others.

Alas, although I still don't have a publisher for my book, I'm having a good time with the blog.  So I decided to do a bit of a retrospective to celebrate its half-birthday.  

In 6 months, I've had over 12,500 page views.  What's popping the most?  (NOTE: Tallies are a combination of those from the Blog, the Facebook Page, and the private emails sent to me).

The 5 Most-Read/Popular Posts
The post with the highest number of readers is what I hope is a useful guide about how to decide when to roll around naked with a guy for the first time.  The others are, I guess, pretty interesting, too:

1.    To Sex -or- Not To Sex
2.    The Break-up Text 
3.    Where Do Old Broads Hang Out?
4.    I Think I'm Jealous of Snooki
5.    Divorcee as Status









The 4 Posts with the Most Comments

Interestingly, the posts with the most readers are not the same as the those with the most comments.  Apparently, it takes something more than popularity to provoke you guys to add your two cents!  Angie got lots of responses, as did these others:
 
1.   Angie's "Ambivalently Spinsterlicious" Shoe-of-the-Week  
2.   Uh-Oh. I Might Be a Hypocrite
3.   Did He Cheat?
4.   Later, Chuck


The 3 Most-Read/Popular Guest Posts



I think lots of people (re)evaluate their status during the holidays, and Kathryn's post was the most popular of my guest bloggers.  And two others:

1.   Single During the Holidays
2.   A Much Smarter Divorcee 
3.   SY-Guy: Spinsterlicious Man-of-the-Month

The 2  Countries --Outside the U.S.-- Where I Have the Strongest Readership.
Obviously, most of my readers are from the good old U.S. of A., but 1. Canadians and 2. Australians are hanging tough with me, too...and I appreciate it.

The 1 Cute Dog 

A gratuitous plug for the world's cutest Yorkie
1.    Danny!!



Thank you and much love to you, dear readers, for your support.          



NOTE:  If you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe in the box on the right -or- if you have a Google Account, you can click on "Follow Me" also on the right, near the bottom.   You'll receive an email each time there's an update to the blog.  Don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!