To Sex -or- Not To Sex (An Oldie But Goodie)

Within the past month, I received emails from two different women who were concerned (well, one was actually beside herself) that a man they had recently met had not called them after they slept together.  Both were wondering what to do and I had a lively discussion with one over the phone, later, over whether it was the "sex too soon" thing or something else that sent him away.  There's no way to really know, but I promised to re-run the chart below, which I think is a pretty interesting (albeit a little  on the safe side) way  to think about this kind of thing.  I'm told it's been helpful to a few readers.

 I am a little amused that we are all still discussing when to have sex with a new guy.  I originally wrote this after  a long conversation with a good friend who was near tears because the man she slept with a couple of weeks ago has not called since. Yep, at this age we’re still having this conversation.

I have this conversation quite a bit and for some reason, I’m usually the one giving the advice. I say “for some reason,” but I actually know the reason: I’ve been single all my life, am good at dating, and I feel like I’ve got this aspect of dating all figured out. There are other parts of dating life that I don’t always get—like the way men want you to need them but don’t want you to be needy—but this one I do. So I’m going to take this opportunity to share with the many single women out there what I know about how to make the decision to roll around naked with the New Guy for the first time.

That’s right. A decision tree, for this not-usually-rational decision. When you have to make an important decision at work, you generally think about it ahead of time and seriously weigh the different outcomes. You don’t decide at the last minute. This decision should be no different.

Here’s a scenario. You’re at a bar/party/conference/car wash/restaurant…wherever. You and “Scott” strike up a conversation and seem to hit it off. There’s lots of laughing, flirting, and witty conversation. At some point it becomes clear to both of you that you may want to dial things up a bit, either right now or very soon.

The “sex too soon” thing is something that only women grapple with. I’ve never heard a guy wonder how “when to have sex” will impact the relationship-that-is-yet-to-be. But the world’s not fair—we already know that. Follow my advice, though, and it should help you avoid getting your feelings hurt.

The thought process is not a straight line, though. It’s more of a schematic. So pay attention, and be honest with yourself.

The first thing to ask yourself is: “What do I want from this guy?” (Caution: if you’re feeling really lonely, you probably should skip this exercise completely. Sex-because-you’re-lonely will probably make you feel even lonelier afterwards).

Once you decide what you want, you can decide your next course of action. 

This is by no means foolproof. But I think it’s a pretty reasonable facsimile of the way things shake out much of the time. Go ahead and do your thing . . . and let me know if it works for you.

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I'm Single and Happy...Why Does That Make Them So Mad?

I'm a single woman, no children. Been that way all my life. Over the years I've gotten lots of questions from curious people as to why this is so. I'm not a troll (so I'm told), and I have a reasonably pleasant personality, so lots of people don't understand how this could be. That I'm okay (actually, happy) about this is really befuddling to more than just a few people. So, a little over a year ago, I started this blog, my musings about the realities and joys of being single and child-free.

So the good news is that The Spinsterlicious Life is starting to pop. In the last couple of months I've received lots of publicity -- from a two-page spread in Woman's Day magazine -to- a feature in the Lifestyle section on MSN.com -to- an interview on KABC Talk Radio, and I’ve been picked up by lots of online sites. It's been fantastic.  

The less-than-good news is that with more publicity has come a weakening of my comfy, safe place. When I was writing just for my own blog and another site, Women's Voices For Change,  I had interesting and reasoned dialogues with my readers. We were agreeable, even when we disagreed. I thought, "This blogging thing is nice. What a great way to hear and learn from other smart people!”

But as my exposure has broadened, it has brought out what I lovingly call the Crazies. It's probably not nice for me to call people crazy, though I do think a few of them might be. Others are just rude. I am fascinated by that. What is it that makes them want to speak so impolitely to someone they don't know, someone who has done nothing to them?

Part of me thinks it's the new louder, in-your-face, "I'll-take-you-down" culture so expertly supported by Reality TV. You're nobody unless you're putting someone down, telling someone off, putting someone in her/his place.  But here’s another, more provocative, thought: They are uncomfortable that I've stepped out of my "place" with my Spinsterlicious "you can be single and happy" message.  Upsetting the status quo makes some people nervous . . . possibly even makes them question their own choices, and so they feel as if I'm stirring up trouble. So in order to keep me down, keep me quiet, keep me in my place, they need to paint me as "other.” Surprisingly, the hecklers appear to include  as many women as men. 

I'm called "selfish" and  "cat lady" (I have no cats) so often that I've grown bored with those. I want to respond by asking for something more original.

Here, in italics, are some of the responses Spinsterlicious has attracted, reproduced exactly as written. 

"Sounds like you don't want to hear the truth. You are selfish, period."

"Some chick with 14 cats wrote this article."

A lot of them think I'm angry, delusional, and feel sorry for my sad life.  I really wonder, though, if they're not secretly envying me.  I have a pretty good life; they're upset by a woman they don't even know.  I think I win.

"You are missing out on life."

"Yes we are all imperfect, but there's a unique type of imperfection with "hope to die" singles over 40. I think you are all pretty much delusional.  Big Mama said that there is a lid for every pot. You guys are not capable of give and take. You refuse to share. It's your way or the highway. Sorry, but you are wrong and you are not enjoying life to the fullest. Your life looks like a response to this corrupt and sin-sick society we live in. It sound like this...nobody loves me...men are pigs...I will walk this life alone. BOO WHOO! What a wimp.”

Lots of people invoke God. Clearly I'm going to hell. I usually wonder: When did saying mean things to people you don't know became godly? But I know that would start a whole 'nother firestorm that I'm not really interested in getting into. 

"You are going against God's order and will rot in hell."

I'm called a slut a lot.  

"It's just a euphemism for being sexually promiscuous.”

"It's better to marry than to burn, you cannot live as a fornicator without the paying the price of eternally being separated from GOD. Ask yourself Is it worth that to live a single sinful life now."

Funnily enough, I don't mind the "slut" thing, so maybe I really am going to hell.

And a 14-year-old said this the other day: "You have ugly feet.”

At least I hope it was a 14-year-old. 

So now, as I embark on the process of getting my Spinsterlicious Life book published (coming soon!), I'll be stepping even further away from what was the safe harbor of the wonderful readers of this blog and the WVFC site, with their funny responses, respectful tone and civil discourse. I’ll be stepping out into the broader public arena, with everything that means. I'm anticipating that most people will still be smart and interesting and respectful as they share their different points of view, but I know there will also be more of those who dislike my message and take pleasure in telling me so in the most unfriendly way.

It's funny, because I'm not wounded by these insulting comments. Those people don't know me, so they can't hurt me. Some of their remarks are actually funny, though I don't think they're meant to be. 

I am surprised, though. What is it about my being pleased with my no-husband-no-kids life that troubles them so darn much?  I'm just one chick out here trying to live a good life. And hoping that women in a similar place are doing the same. 

NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop. They make a statement... and a great gift! 

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

Friendly Husband, Chilly Wife. Now What?

There's a couple I've known for a few years.  We have lots of mutual friends and see each often at various social events.  We're also neighbors.  In theory, we could get together on our own, and not just rely on others to get us together.  Except there's one problem.  I don't think the wife likes me.  It's awkward.

The husband --who I'll call Ben-- and I get along really well.  We hit it off right away when we met.  We work in the same industry, have similar personalities, and seem to find the same things interesting and funny.  When we run into each other at our friends' parties, we always spend lots of time talking, catching up.

And I want to make it clear, Ben's not flirting with me.  Our conversations are lighthearted, fun, and entirely G-rated.  Anyone can join in.

It's different with the wife --Sharon.  She's pleasant to me but a little distant. Chilly, actually.  We don't seem to have that much in common and our personalities are very different.  There are lots of silences when we attempt to make the smallest of small talk.

I know better than to hog the attention of another woman's husband at a party --even though it's innocent-- so I keep trying to draw her into the conversation, but it never really works.  I keep trying because I don't want her to think I'm interested in anything from her husband but fun and interesting conversation.

I don't do other people's husbands.  Never have.  I think it's wrong…plus, what would I want with a man who cheats?  I don't think a lot of wives know this about me or maybe they just don't believe me.  And, in a way, why should they believe me:  lots of women have affairs with married men.  Just not me.

Anyway, I ran into this couple the other day at a restaurant near my house.  Near theirs house, too.  We're neighbors.  After chatting awhile --mostly with the husband, who continued to engage me-- I suggested we all get together.  Ben agreed it was a good idea and asked for my contact information.  Sharon, who hadn't said much until then, strongly interjected that they could get my informtion from Toni, our mutual friend.  Ben pointed out that it might be easier to get it from me since I was right there.  Sharon repeated that they'd get it from Toni.  I got it.  Sharon's not interested.

So I guess we won't all get together.  This is one of the downsides to being Spinsterlicious.  Married women --some, not all-- are suspect.  They don't trust us.  Too bad.  I'm really a nice person who doesn't want their husbands.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened.  It's a little annoying because I feel like I'm being accused of something I'm not guilty of.   How does one combat this?  Geez?



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A Fitness Buddy At Your Spinsterlicious Fingertips

http://bit.ly/sKEmsU)

I was invited to participate in a promotion for GaiamTV.com, the first streaming video subscription that offers a range of videos in health, wellness, yoga, fitness and personal development.  I had two immediate first thoughts at the exact same time:  NO, because I don't want to work out...and YES, because I need to work out, and what could be easier?  Workout videos... by experts...at my fingertips...in my living room.  My preference would be to not work out... except on occasion... when I feel like it.  But that's not my reality.  


I won't go to a gym, so I have quite a few Pilates, yoga, and strength-training DVDs that I do from time to time.  But after I've done them for awhile I get bored.  I need more variety but I'm not that interested in continually refreshing my supply.  Soooo...I decided to give this service a try.  I was expecting to be disappointed.  I was so wrong.  It's pretty cool.

They say they have over 2000 titles in yoga, Pilates, and cardio.   So far, I've only tried yoga and Pilates, and I was pleased.   I haven't made my way to the cardio section yet, though if I'm going to fit into my swimsuit for my beach vacation next month, I should probably get started.


Here's how it works (and I'm going to copy it from their materials, so I don't get it wrong): 
"Gaiam TV’s yoga and fitness studios are flexible and simple to use. Viewers can customize workouts for weight loss, total body sculpting or increased energy and narrow down their options based on level, style, instructor and amount of available time. With Gaiam TV, viewers can easily search for videos, make playlists and preview selections. Plus, subscribers to Gaiam TV are offered the chance to rate and review Gaiam TV titles.    Instant Access, 24/7 Convenience: Gaiam TV’s entire library of award-winning videos is available anytime, anywhere.  Streaming capabilities for Gaiam TV include personal computers, iPads and smartphones."


What I like about it is it removes all the excuses I have.  It's convenient because I can do it from home anytime I want, I can tailor the fitness level and how long I want to work out so even if I'm feeling on the lazy side I can still get a little in, and it's inexpensive.  A subscription is only $9.95 a month, but Gaiam TV offers a Free 10-day trial, no strings attached.

Check it out, if you're interested.  And if you try it, please write back because I want to hear what you thought about it.  You can post your comments below.

NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop. They make a statement... and a great gift! 

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

A Had-to-Happen Love Story? -or- The Ultimate Betrayal?

The title of this post sounds like it belongs to a romantic drama on the Lifetime Channel, doesn't it?  And it kinda is, except it's not a movie, it's real life...and Lordy, I sure hope the woman I'm writing about doesn't know about my blog. (Could be awkward). 

Anyway, my (distant) cousin is happily married to a man she calls the man of her dreams.  I believe her. They're really cute together and they seem to be very much in love.

Here's the problem...if it is a problem.  My cousin's husband --let's call him Abner, and her Daisy) -- used to be the live-in love of Daisy's best friend!  Yep. 

Here's my understanding of what happened.  Daisy was visiting her friend when Abner came home from work.  The three of them had dinner and a little wine...and, apparently the proverbial sparks flew between Daisy and Abner.  Girlfriend became persona non grata that evening...although I don't think she  knew it at the time.

Long story short, Abner  moved from Girlfriend's place -to- Daisy's shortly thereafter. (Worked well for him, right?  From one ready-made home to another).

I am told that (1) Girlfriend and Abner fought a lot and it wasn't that great of a relationship, and (2) that the attraction Daisy and Abner felt for each other was immediate, "electric" and clearly "meant to be".   (Of course...for both 1&2). 

However, I must say, Daisy and Abner have been married for 10 years and they do seem to be very much in love.  That's the Had-to-Happen Love Story part

The Ultimate Betrayal part?  Well, Girlfriend lost her Best Friend AND her Man at the same time.  Wow.  (Crazy, right?  Because if you're fighting with your man, your best friend consoles you.  If you're fighting with your best friend, your man can comfort you.  But not for Girlfriend...now what?)

So, here's what I've thought about all these years:   

• Should Daisy and Abner have "fought" their feelings...for ethical reasons?  -or-

• Was their relationship meant to be...and that's that?

I can't say what I would do in a situation like this because I believe you can't definitively know what you'll really do in a situation you've never been in.  I would hope, though, that I would respect my friendship with my good friend and avoid her man.   But...suppose "that feeling" is the most powerful ever felt?  Suppose it was meant to be?  Then what?

What say you?

NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop. They make a statement... and a great gift! 




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"Professional Aunts"?? Another Club I Can't Belong To.

A married friend of mine sent me this article about a new marketing demographic called PANKs - Professional Aunts, No Kids.  PANKs are single women without kids who spend lots of time with and money on (more importantly) other people's kids.  They shower love, attention, and gifts on the kids of their family and friends…and then send them home.  The send-them-home part is mine.  I added that because I'm not sure I entirely get it, so I'm trying to make it more palatable.

Oh, I get it intellectually.  I have a few single friends who are PANKs.  Part of me wants to be more like them.  Actually, I don't want to be more like them…I just wish I wanted to.  They love other people's kids.  And they don't just love them, they nurture them, groom them, hang out with them.

I'll call these PANKs friends to get together for something fun and they can't because they're taking somebody's kids to the movies, out to lunch, having them over for the weekend...or some other questionable use of their time.  It does seem to bring them a lot of joy.

And my Professional Auntie friends aren't alone.  There are lots of actual and would-be PANKs out there.  According to a 2010 study by the Pew Institute,  one-in-five American women now ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s.  So smart marketers have determined that these women are ripe for being enticed to buy products and services for their nieces and nephews, the real ones and the ones in their hearts.

Please don't misunderstand me.  I love my friends' kids, too.  I'm always happy to see them and love chatting with them to hear what they've been up to, and learning some newfangled something from them that only kids understand...but that's pretty much where it ends.  I've always known I didn't want kids of my own but I used to think I'd be the kind of cool auntie (a PANK) that would have other people's kids over for pajama parties on the weekend, expose them to cultural events, and just sort of hang out with them and talk about things they didn't want to discuss with their parents.  It turns out I am not that person.

What I finally came to realize is that the same reason I didn't want my own kids is the  reason I don't want to spend too much time with other people's kids.

Hooray for all the PANKs out there.  Are you one?   Or are you more sane, like me!  :-o




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The Spinsterlicious Man-of-the-Month: In Defense of Strong Women!

Oftentimes, in conversations about why there are so many single women, someone defaults to a claim that "men are intimidated by strong women" as a reason for the growing numbers of the never-married in this country.    I'm sure this is true for some men, but not most...and, plus, it's not even the point.  I'm not in the business of blaming men for what I think is a fairly complex issue, and I own my spinsterhood.  It's nobody else's "fault".

Sy-Guy, our Spinsterlicious Man of the Month, was listening in on a radio interview I did a few weeks ago on KABC Talk Radio.  Afterwards, we talked about how some callers kept wanting to take the conversation in the "men are intimidated..." direction.  I invited Sy-Guy to express his thoughts on this and he happily wrote the following guest post:

In his own words:

The Spinsterlicious Life celebrates the lives of never-married women who are living inspiring and joyous lives (without being married).  And yet when we discuss it, write about it or comment on it, the topic often turns to men’s attitudes toward “Spinsterlicious women” and whether they are threatened by their strength and independence.

It might or not be true—that some men are threatened by strength and independence —but I think it’s a mistake to allow that to become the conversation here. 

Part of what makes a Spinsterlicious woman special is her joy in a life not defined by marriage.  When we discuss men’s attitudes, we are allowing the delicious life of an unmarried woman to be defined by relationships with men.  Spinsterlicious women are defined by whatever makes their life journey unique and special.  And while women can have all kinds of relationships with men, those relationships or lack thereof should not overwhelm her self-concept.

As a man in a committed relationship, I embrace our relationship and find joy in our commitment, but it does not define who I am nor does it define her.  I am defined by how I view the world or universe, how I act each day, how I affect others.  I choose to define myself by acceptance of the way things are, compassion toward others and living each day with usefulness. And so does she. 

This was put to the test for me when I separated from my wife of 25 years (her request) and was out on my own.  It’s so easy to have high principles about the situations of others when you’ve got company!  Not so easy when you’re suddenly alone! The woman I am committed to today I met online (where else!) and with both of us in our 50s there is plenty of strength and independence in this household! It’s not intimidating; I love it!  We’ve had to meld together the lifestyles and preferences of two people who are by no means wet clay anymore.

Whether we will marry is unknown at this point, but the relationship has helped me to understand a little better the Spinsterlicious life, a life not defined by a relationship, even when in one.

Sy-Guy was drawn to the strength and independence of his new love.  And I know that lots of guys find this attractive in me.  So...why do we keep defaulting to this (convenient) argument?  Is there some truth there?

NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop. They make a statement... and a great gift! 

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Where Do Old Broads Hang Out? (An Oldie but Goodie)

I first ran this post last January.  It's still on my mind:  where do women who are too old for the clubs meet men?  The same friend I mention, below, who is still Nameless is compiling a list: so far, hardware stores and stores that sell computers and electronics are high on her list.


After I ran this post last year, I received two nasty emails: one from a man who thought I was "ridiculous and pathetic", and a woman who said "she's glad she's not me".  I'm not offended when weirdos who don't know me say stuff like that, but I was curious then and now as to why this particular post was so offensive to them?  


So here's the post; still relevant...

Last Saturday night, I found myself prowling the streets in search of food, drink, fun, and maybe even a guy.  I wasn't alone, but my dear friend, Nameless, who was with me hated it so much she won't allow me to use her name...not even her initials.   Here's what happened.   I invited her to a comedy show where a guy I knew was performing.  However, I screwed up the details and so we found ourselves all dressed up with nowhere to go.   Actually, we weren't all dressed up; we were dressed pretty casually.  If we had been all dressed up, we would have had more options. 

Anyway, we tried to think of where we could go for a little fun, but we had a few criteria: good food, good drinks, inviting atmosphere, and a few grown-up guys we could flirt with without feeling like pedophiles.   There are tons of places in NYC that fit the first few criteria, but the last one is what stumped us.  

We weren't dressed cute enough to go to a few of the fancy places we thought of and I was sure that, if we tried, they'd hand us an apron and tray instead of directing us to the bar area.   So, we thought of a few second-tier locales, but when we got to each of them it was a let-down: no grown men inside and not a lot of fun going on.  After the 4th or 5th place, we were starting to weary.  Plus it was cold!

So here's the question: where do grown-ups hang out?   Where can women of a certain age who are looking for a little action find men of a certain age?   We're not going to the club.  Those days are done.  So where? It's wintertime so we must be especially strategic because desirable people aren't just out-and-about in this weather.   The relationship I was in ended recently and so I'm back on the block, hoping to stumble across a gentleman who wants to spend a little time in my Spinsterlicious company.  When I was young(er), this hunt was fun.  That night, it felt ridiculous.  Which is why Nameless insists on remaining that way.  

I think I'm going to make that my new mission: finding respectable places where I'm not embarrassed to be seen standing at the bar, flirting with the fellas (older fellas, not young'uns), and having a laugh.  I'm just not sure where that place is...but I intend to find out!  I'm open to all suggestions; tell me what you know!








NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop. They make a statement... and a great gift! 


 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!