Ignorant About the Ways of Marriage

Being a single, never-married babe, I admit that there are many things about marriage that I just don't know or understand. Like how I could have been expected to pick one guy, one, and stay with him for the rest of my life. And this one: why married women stay with their cheating husbands who, by the way, vowed not to do that.

Whenever there's a public scandal about cheating husbands, I always wait for the news that the wife has left. Usually she doesn't, though. Elin Nordegren-Woods and Jenny Sanford are my heroes. They packed up their sh** and got the heck out of Dodge when Tiger and Mark behaved badly. I know better than to make a declaration about what I'd do in a situation I've never been in but, I swear, I believe I would leave if my (non-existent) husband cheated on me more than once. Maybe even if just once.

But lots of married women don't leave. And I don't get it. Which brings me to today's blog post.  Recently, I briefly dated a newly-divorced guy who puzzles me. In two ways. And our conversations are what remind me of how ignorant I am about the ways of marriage. He told me two things that completely confused me:

1. That he stayed married for 38 years to a woman he never loved.  
2. So he cheated in order to feel what he needed to feel (presumably romantic love and I don't know what else.) 

I have multi-layered befuddlement at these two statements. Why was he married to a woman he didn't love?  (They have no kids, so there goes that explanation).  Why did he stay so long? Why was cheating a better option than leaving?

And this is where the conversation became even more interesting. He married a woman he didn't love because his "parents made him."  He stayed so long because it "would be wrong to leave."  He cheated because he needed to fill in the gaps of what he wanted but wasn't getting from his marriage...but leaving would be more wrong. This last line feels upside-down to me.  I think cheating is more disrespectful and the honorable thing to do is to leave. He thinks the exact opposite.

And I wondered what his wife thought. Apparently she was more upset that he (finally) left her than she was at his cheating.  There I go again being all confused.

I'm always disappointed in women who stay with cheating hubbies. Of course, it's really none of my business...but that doesn't stop me from having an opinion.

So I had this conversation with a few others --all married-- to hear their opinions and  there was no consensus about whether women, in general, should leave or stay in such situations. So then I started to wonder, what is it about the woman who tolerates cheating?  What does she know that I don't?

Just curious.  Anybody want to help enlighten me?



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The Spinsterlicious Man-of-the-Month: In Defense of Strong Women!

Oftentimes, in conversations about why there are so many single women, someone defaults to a claim that "men are intimidated by strong women" as a reason for the growing numbers of the never-married in this country.    I'm sure this is true for some men, but not most...and, plus, it's not even the point.  I'm not in the business of blaming men for what I think is a fairly complex issue, and I own my spinsterhood.  It's nobody else's "fault".

Sy-Guy, our Spinsterlicious Man of the Month, was listening in on a radio interview I did a few weeks ago on KABC Talk Radio.  Afterwards, we talked about how some callers kept wanting to take the conversation in the "men are intimidated..." direction.  I invited Sy-Guy to express his thoughts on this and he happily wrote the following guest post:

In his own words:

The Spinsterlicious Life celebrates the lives of never-married women who are living inspiring and joyous lives (without being married).  And yet when we discuss it, write about it or comment on it, the topic often turns to men’s attitudes toward “Spinsterlicious women” and whether they are threatened by their strength and independence.

It might or not be true—that some men are threatened by strength and independence —but I think it’s a mistake to allow that to become the conversation here. 

Part of what makes a Spinsterlicious woman special is her joy in a life not defined by marriage.  When we discuss men’s attitudes, we are allowing the delicious life of an unmarried woman to be defined by relationships with men.  Spinsterlicious women are defined by whatever makes their life journey unique and special.  And while women can have all kinds of relationships with men, those relationships or lack thereof should not overwhelm her self-concept.

As a man in a committed relationship, I embrace our relationship and find joy in our commitment, but it does not define who I am nor does it define her.  I am defined by how I view the world or universe, how I act each day, how I affect others.  I choose to define myself by acceptance of the way things are, compassion toward others and living each day with usefulness. And so does she. 

This was put to the test for me when I separated from my wife of 25 years (her request) and was out on my own.  It’s so easy to have high principles about the situations of others when you’ve got company!  Not so easy when you’re suddenly alone! The woman I am committed to today I met online (where else!) and with both of us in our 50s there is plenty of strength and independence in this household! It’s not intimidating; I love it!  We’ve had to meld together the lifestyles and preferences of two people who are by no means wet clay anymore.

Whether we will marry is unknown at this point, but the relationship has helped me to understand a little better the Spinsterlicious life, a life not defined by a relationship, even when in one.

Sy-Guy was drawn to the strength and independence of his new love.  And I know that lots of guys find this attractive in me.  So...why do we keep defaulting to this (convenient) argument?  Is there some truth there?

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 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!