A Spinsterlicious, Luscious Life: Radio Interview

Last week I had a fun radio interview with Yolanda Shoshana on her Luscious Life radio show about making the most of your single life...if you're single just for the time being or forever. Either way, it oughta be a good one!

Please listen in and check back here for your comments.  You know I love hearing your feedback!



http://www.womensradio.com/2012/07/luscious-life-with-eleanore-wells/

In Honor of Nora Ephron...with Thanks to Dove

I'm a huge fan of Nora Ephron, who we lost recently.  Fortunately her wise and witty words will be with me forever.  Just about everything she said and wrote is one of my favorites, but one of my favorite favorites is the chapter On Maintenance from her book I Feel Bad About My Neck.  She writes about the increasing amount of time a woman has to spend on maintaining her looks as she ages.  Or as she calls it: "Status Quo Maintenance…what you do just to stay more or less even…the routine, everyday things required just to keep you from looking like someone who no longer cares.”

I totally get it.  I've always been rather lazy about my beauty routine.  Typically, I do the least amount necessary to look good.  I was blessed with “decent enough” looks and, of course, I had my youth.  I felt those things were enough and I didn’t have to work too hard.

That’s all changed.  I probably should work harder about my Status Quo Maintenance beauty routine, but I’m still lazy.  So here’s how I make it work now:

•  I bought a wig.  When I have a bad hair day, I don’t spend  a lot of time trying to fix it.  I put on my alternate hair.

•  I’ve fallen in love with fake nails.  I’ve never been one to get regular manicures because there’s something about my nails and nail polish that doesn’t work.  By day three, I’m all chips.  But I like the look of manicured nails and now I have them almost all the time. They go on in minutes and last a week or two.  No muss, no fuss.

• False eyelashes.  I’m getting better at putting them on straight, so I don’t look drunk.  When I get them right, they look better and are easier and faster than daily mascara because I wear them until they start to fall off.

•   New Dove® VisibleCare Renewing Crème Body Wash.  This one was a pleasant surprise.  I agreed to do a review of this new product because I’m always looking for something to make my skin look good.  In the summer, I like to take a shower at night.  I typically dry off and hop right into bed.  Moisturizing is too much trouble at that time, so when I wake up my skin has been replaced by that of an alligator. 

So, I looked forward to seeing what Dove could do for me.  What they told me is: Dove Renewing Body Wash nourishes and replenishes skin.  It’s part of  a revolutionary line of premium body wash from Dove.

It contains the highest concentration of NutriumMoisture technology across the Dove portfolio.  It gives you visibly more beautiful skin in just one week.

What I learned is that I can now take my nightly shower,  jump into bed without moisturizing, and my skin doesn’t scare me in the morning.  It actually looks pretty good.  I love that.  “Visibly more beautiful skin from a body wash” seems to be true.

If you want to know more about this new line from Dove, go to

http://www.dove.us/.  There’s also a sweepstakes for two $500 spa gift cards, and a coupon.

Now, if only I can find a lip gloss that stays on until I take it off.

Visit Dove^® VisibleCare^® to get a coupon for $1 off!

Enter to win one of two $500 Spafinder gift certificates!
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Her Husband, The Jerk

Last weekend I went to a dear friend's birthday party. It was held in her big, fabulous house in the suburbs.  It being in the suburbs is relevant only because that's where I'm most likely to find parties made up of all couples...and me. Actually there were two other single women there, but we were a mere blip amongst the 20 or so couples. Or maybe we weren't a blip; maybe it was more like a beacon.

Shortly after I arrived, a guy approached me. He was handsome and smiling and I thought, "Oh, birthday girl invited a single guy for me.  How nice."  We chatted for quite awhile, flirting a bit, and laughing about his day and mine, and various and sundry life events. He was especially interested in my book, The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree, and asked lots of questions about my experiences as a single woman.

Then, his WIFE wandered over.   I guess he forgot to mention her.  At no time in our lengthy conversation did he mention a wife...or his kids. It didn't even occur to me to ask if he was married because surely a married man wouldn't monopolize my time so blatantly, right?  Silly me.


What's worse is that Wife is a woman with whom I am friendly. Awkward. The three of us chatted for a few more minutes and then I excused myself.  Brazenly, he continued to show up wherever I happened to be.  He clearly saw no reason for us not to continue interacting...though I did. I wasn't interested in spending lots of time with my friend's husband.  I was conscious of how it might feel to her and look to others. So I avoided him.  Or tried to.

On the dance floor, I felt someone come up behind me, grab my waist and grind his pelvis into my backside. I turned around, shocked to see it was Douchebag Husband!

 

I'm still pissed at myself for only pushing him away and moving to another part of the dance floor. Here's what I wished  I'd done:  Slapped him. Yelled "WTF are you doing?" Snatched him by his collar and said "How dare you touch me that way!"  Any one of those would have me feeling better right now.  But I did none of those because I knew what followed would have changed the tone of the evening. I didn't want to make a scene at my friend's birthday party. I didn't want to embarrass his wife. And I was also cognizant of the fact that this very thing is the reason lots of married women don't want single women in the social mix: we cause trouble...even when it's not our fault.  We are the dreaded femme fatales.

And I really do believe it was my being single that made him think he could behave that way with me. If he had been interested in one of the married women at the party, I truly think he would have approached her differently. Like many men, he apparently thinks a single woman is desperate...and perhaps a little loose... and would welcome a blatantly and inappropriately sexual move.

And at that moment I also realized why his wife --a lovely women-- drinks so much. And she's a sad drunk. And clearly she has reason to be.

It'll be interesting what happens the next time I see him.  How do you think I should handle it?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Sexy Wyclef...and Me

What's the female equivalent of a dirty old man? “Dirty old lady” doesn't have quite the same ring—but whatever it's called, I think I became one the other day. (What I'm thinking is more salacious than “Cougar.”)  Anyway, I'm a single woman-of-a-certain age. I date, and I prefer men around the same age as I am. I'll generally go 10 years in either direction, but I really haven't been that interested in much younger men. Until now.  What's more, he wasn't just much younger, he's a bit of a rockstar. Literally. So a better description of me on that night might have been "severely over-age groupie."

 

A friend treated me to a performance by Wyclef Jean --singer, musician, and all-around hot guy-- at City Winery recently. I knew it would be a fun evening, because City Winery is sized so that the performances feel rather intimate there. Before the concert, I wouldn't have called myself a huge Wyclef fan, though I like some of his music. I had met him years ago at an event when I was working at an ad agency, and I found him personable and handsome in a regular-guy kind of way.  But that's it.

 

That night at the City Winery, something came over me.  I went from "this should be a fun evening" to "OMG, this is amazing!" Wyclef puts on quite a performance, engages well with the audience, and seems to be having a tremendous amount of fun onstage. I was sucked all the way in.

 

He was dressed all in white, and it was a wonderful matchup to his beautiful dark skin. His music is contagious, but it's his movements that really got me going. I like the way he moves. Correction:  I love the way he moves. I think what really got me is how athletic he is onstage.  When he did a full-body flip without missing a beat, I think I started to swoon. (I don't think I've ever used that word before).  

 

For the first time I really understood why old men lust after young women. It's the physicality of it all.  No man my age can move like that.   I started to think that perhaps I'd like to spend an evening with this very sexy man, 16 years my junior.  Just the two of us.  And to be clear, it's not because I think he'd be fascinating to talk to for a long time; I'm not even sure if he's sane.  He tried to run for President of Haiti in the last election . . . despite having zero experience in politics and he hasn't lived in Haiti for 20+ years. Whatever.  It's not his stimulating conversation I was interested in.

 

The friend who brought me to the concert knows Wyclef and offered to take me backstage to meet him.  I was beside myself with excitement.  This was my big chance . . . but then I chickened out.  Despite having a wife, Sexy Wyclef has a reputation for being quite the ladies’ man, and I'd be embarrassed at this age to be just one more on a long list of honeys. I would want him to remember my name.  So I said "No, thank you" and went home alone . . . still smiling, though.  I'm happy to be a groupie-in-my-head.

So...whaddya think?  How old is too old to be a groupie?  Have you a similar experience to share?  Please do!

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Real-Life Fairy Tales

As you probably know, many of the followers of The Spinsterlicious Life are single because they choose to be. Others, however, are more reluctantly single. They would like to be married but it just hasn't worked out for them...either a first-time go at it or a marriage that came to a premature end. Some of them politely (or not) "yell" at me that my single-is-ok mantra is over-rated.   They're managing being single but would really like to be someone's wife.  And I get it...kinda. Being single-not-married works for me though I do like being single-with-a-boyfriend. 

So, I'm dedicating this blog post to real life, grown-up fairy tales that end with great women --all friends of mine--getting what they want.   Helping keep hope alive...

Kacy is back with the man of her dreams...finally. They met approximately 15 years ago. They were both married to other people, but eventually found their way to each other.   In many ways, they seemed perfect for each other: both good-looking, savvy New Yorkers with big jobs and active social lives.  But then, somehow, he ended up married to someone else. Kacy was devastated. We all kind of were.  Over the years, Kacy dated but never found anyone who came close to Matt.   Life was good but it wasn't as good as it would have been with Matt in it.  She hated, really hated being single.  Fast forward to today: A now-divorced Matt reappeared,  they're back together, madly in love, and seem beside themselves with happiness. They're both older and wiser, too, so they know better how to navigate things this time around. It looks good.


Liz was 40 years old and tired of dating. She wanted a husband and child and was beginning to wonder if it would ever happen.  She didn't sit around waiting for Mr. Right, but she sure hoped to find him. In the meantime, she moved from her fancy one-bedroom apartment to an even fancier 6-room apartment that she gutted and renovated just the way she wanted. In the process, a friend mentioned that she knew a newly-divorced man who lived in Liz's new neighborhood. They met, then married 2 years later. They seem really good together. Five years later, they adopted a beautiful baby girl.  Aaaah. 

Betty always wanted to be married with children, but once she got there, she sometimes struggled, much of it related to her loss of freedom.  She and her husband both have "lively" personalities so there was no one who was always the "voice of reason" (which made many of their fights funny to me... in an inappropriate way, I'm sure).  While she, from time-to-time, threatened to leave, he was always steadfast in his determination to keep his family together.  And stay together they have. The whole family (him, her, and the two kids) visited me this past Memorial Day weekend and it was a delight to have them. She may yell at me for saying this but I think he's one of the best things that ever happened to her. They've found a nice groove and will be happily celebrating their 20th anniversary this year. She'll probably threaten to leave a few more times, but nobody's really listening anymore. We know better. They're fine. More than fine, actually. 


So, I still believe in true love. I'm not sure I see enough of it, but it looks good when I do. Anybody else have a love story they want to share for the romantics out there who want to retire their Spinsterlicious card?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Amiably "Surviving" Singledom

I think most people by now are aware of recent figures published by the U.S. Census and the Pew Institute about the growing number of singles in the U.S., so I won't belabor that point. Being single is "hot." Yet, when I hear a woman complain that she's miserable being single, I wonder what's really bugging her. Oh sure, like marriage, being single can be a challenge sometimes, but is it miserable? If everything else in your life is pretty good, I can't see how being single could be anything more than an occasional frustration.

Here's what I honestly believe: The woman who is miserable single will probably be pretty unhappy being married, too. To be miserable, there are likely other issues she's grappling with and it's just easier to blame her state on being single than it is to do the work she would need to do to get at the real problem.

But, ok, let's play along and pretend it really is the single thing that's got her so unhappy. Basically, if you have a sufficient number of robust relationships with others -- family, dear friends, friendly acquaintances -- being single can work out quite well. If you don't, being single can be lonely. Here's a few thoughts that should elevate a miserable single state to one that's a lot more livable:

Be Likeable. Being around people you enjoy and who enjoy you feels good. People should look forward to spending time with you. I know that one of the reasons I like my single status is because I have a great social life. I'm rarely lonely. I have an array of good friends and acquaintances and can usually find something to do and someone to do it with when I want. My married friends are as likely to include me as my single friends are because they like me and enjoy my company. I'm no Pollyanna or Suzy Sunshine; everybody doesn't like me, but enough people do, and that's all I need. That's all anybody needs.

Be Interesting. Contribute to the group. Don't be a drag to be around. And don't rely on others to entertain you. Everybody likes people who are smart, curious and have educated opinions -- emphasis on educated. Be quiet if you don't know what you're talking about. Interesting people are attractive people.

Be Yourself. Being comfortable with oneself is appealing to others. The first step to being yourself is knowing who you really are. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. People can sense when you're acting, even if they can't quite put their finger on it. It's not appealing. The real goal here is being comfortable in your own skin and being comfortable with others seeing you this way. No games... even if that's not your intention.

Be a Doer. As in, not a complainer. If you're miserable as a single person, there's probably something else in your life that you're not happy about as well. Figure out what it is and fix it.

I am confident that these strategies will help ease the misery. Actually, this is good advice for everybody, isn't it... not just single folks. Happy living!

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Ignorant About the Ways of Marriage

Being a single, never-married babe, I admit that there are many things about marriage that I just don't know or understand. Like how I could have been expected to pick one guy, one, and stay with him for the rest of my life. And this one: why married women stay with their cheating husbands who, by the way, vowed not to do that.

Whenever there's a public scandal about cheating husbands, I always wait for the news that the wife has left. Usually she doesn't, though. Elin Nordegren-Woods and Jenny Sanford are my heroes. They packed up their sh** and got the heck out of Dodge when Tiger and Mark behaved badly. I know better than to make a declaration about what I'd do in a situation I've never been in but, I swear, I believe I would leave if my (non-existent) husband cheated on me more than once. Maybe even if just once.

But lots of married women don't leave. And I don't get it. Which brings me to today's blog post.  Recently, I briefly dated a newly-divorced guy who puzzles me. In two ways. And our conversations are what remind me of how ignorant I am about the ways of marriage. He told me two things that completely confused me:

1. That he stayed married for 38 years to a woman he never loved.  
2. So he cheated in order to feel what he needed to feel (presumably romantic love and I don't know what else.) 

I have multi-layered befuddlement at these two statements. Why was he married to a woman he didn't love?  (They have no kids, so there goes that explanation).  Why did he stay so long? Why was cheating a better option than leaving?

And this is where the conversation became even more interesting. He married a woman he didn't love because his "parents made him."  He stayed so long because it "would be wrong to leave."  He cheated because he needed to fill in the gaps of what he wanted but wasn't getting from his marriage...but leaving would be more wrong. This last line feels upside-down to me.  I think cheating is more disrespectful and the honorable thing to do is to leave. He thinks the exact opposite.

And I wondered what his wife thought. Apparently she was more upset that he (finally) left her than she was at his cheating.  There I go again being all confused.

I'm always disappointed in women who stay with cheating hubbies. Of course, it's really none of my business...but that doesn't stop me from having an opinion.

So I had this conversation with a few others --all married-- to hear their opinions and  there was no consensus about whether women, in general, should leave or stay in such situations. So then I started to wonder, what is it about the woman who tolerates cheating?  What does she know that I don't?

Just curious.  Anybody want to help enlighten me?



NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.


 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

A Spinsterlicious Summer

I love warm weather.  I feel like I really come alive once I don't to put on a coat over a sweater over a thermal undershirt.  In the winter, it takes a lot to get me out of the house.  In the summer, I want to go everywhere.  This summer, I'm really looking forward to a few things:

• This weekend, a dear friend is visiting from L.A. and a group of us will have dinner on the rooftop deck of her apartment building.  I love eating outdoors.  Everything tastes better.  It can't help but be fun.

• On Tuesday, I'm hosting a book signing during a wine-tasting at Harlem Vintage, a premier wine shop in New York City. Jai Jai Greenfield, the owner, is excellent at choosing great wines and I'm looking forward to sampling some new varietals to help me get my summer drink on!  (If you're near NYC and want to join us, please do.  Click here for details).

• I'll be in Washington, DC for the Independence Day holiday.  I grew up in Washington, left it for the Big Apple in 1981, but go back regularly to visit my family and friends.  I always look forward to my visits there, and especially for the July 4th holiday.  The city has a spectacular fireworks display at the Washington Monument and I've been going there since I was a kid.  I always enjoy it just like it's the first time.

• I'm really  looking forward to my annual pilgrimage to Martha's Vineyard in August.  A group of 4-5 Spinsterlicious ladies go every year for a week of sun, laughs, beach, bike-riding, cocktails, bbqs and just lazy days.  Can't wait. 

• I also love  Summerstage, which is a series of free or low-cost concerts and plays in NYC's beautiful parks.  Gotta get there early, though. They're seriously popular.

So, what are you looking forward to this summer?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Paraphrasing Lionel Richie: Once, Twice, Three Times A …Bride?!

A couple of months ago I went to the wedding of a close friend.  It was a small-ish affair and quite lovely.  We were blessed with beautiful weather, the vibe amongst the guests was friendly, the food was bountiful, and the music was good.  The pre-wedding reception was pleasant. Still, I felt a little weird.  At first, I couldn't quite put my finger on where this feeling was coming from, but it became clear to me during the ceremony when they recited their vows.

I watched them gaze lovingly into each others eyes promising to "love, cherish…til death us do part."  Aha! Here's where that weird feeling I was having came from.  This is her third wedding, the third time she's made this promise.

No judgement here, but I couldn't help but wonder if she felt weird, too.  As she recited these vows, I wondered if she had flashbacks to the first time, the second time she made this same promise.  I felt a little sad and hopeful at the same time.

I wondered if she felt, "Gosh. I've failed at this before…" -or- was it more like "Look, if at first you don't succeed..."  I hope it was the second one because it feels more upbeat, maybe with even a little humor mixed in.

Clearly she believes in marriage and, God bless her, I hope this one goes the way it's supposed to this time.

I'm sure it's not just me.  Have you experienced similar feelings at a "remarriage?"



NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.


 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

I'm Getting Older. Should I Be Worried?

Lately, I seem to be inundated with articles about how hard and sad and pathetic my “golden years” are going to be. As a single woman with no kids (a spinster), I, apparently, am due for a pretty bleak existence as I get older.  According to these articles, I’m going to be lonely and broke, and in poor physical and psychological shape. I keep seeing these reports, but I never feel as if they’re talking about me. I’m not in denial . . . maybe I’m just optimistic. Or even a bit skeptical. Who are these people they’re talking about?

Lonelier, Poorer: The Outlook for Some Aging Baby Boomers Is Bleak is the title of one of these articles; it ran in The Atlantic recently. It says that many never-married boomers don’t have much of a support net, we’re more likely to be impoverished, more likely to be disabled, and less likely to have health insurance. Goodness. This is almost enough of a reason to make me run out and marry the first guy who’ll have me.

It has always been true that a segment of our population will struggle in old age, for all the reasons mentioned above, but I can’t help but wonder if this recent bunch of “bad news” articles is a backlash to all the “single is good” talk that’s bouncing around the media—my book, The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Child-free, and Eric Klinenberg’s Going Solo, to name two.

Though all these “poor single baby boomers” articles should worry me, they don’t. Having kids or a husband is no guarantee of a graceful decline. Of course, when it works the way it’s supposed to, I know that having kids and a husband is a lovely way to spend one’s later years. Yet having a husband is no sure safeguard against a lonely, destitute old age. He might die before you do, or be infirm at the same time, or have split long before you reach the twilight of your life.

Kids are no guarantee, either. They may not have the wherewithal—or the will—to care for you and their own families. At the risk of saying the morbid, sometimes kids die first, or maybe they and you might be unlucky enough to have a poor relationship and they wouldn’t come around. I wish it would never turn out like that, but sometimes it does. I have single friends who worry that they’ll break a hip and be stuck somewhere, alone, but I don’t really think about stuff like that. I’m hoping to just drop dead one day.

So, despite not having a husband or kids, I’m planning (well, actually hoping) to have a good old age. I’m making regular contributions to an IRA. I have disability and long-term-care insurance. I own my home. I eat right and, so far, I’m in good health. I’m relatively likeable, and so I’m crossing my fingers that my friends and family will enjoy spending time with me when I’m old, and will even step in to take care of me if/when that time comes. These are the things I hope my married-with-children friends are doing, too.

So . . . I’m not going to get myself into a tizzy worrying about how horrible life will be when I’m old, just because I’m single. I appreciate the warning, but I have a life to live. Whatever happens, happens.

I know that a  lot of single women are worried about what will happen to them when they're old.  Do you?   

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

How Many Ways to Be Single? (A Guest Post)

Lately, my dear friend, Debra, has been thinking a lot about the many single women she knows, the ways they are single (e.g., never married, divorced, single moms) and what it all means.   Here, let her tell you...

In her own words:


Last week two very similar things happened virtually simultaneously. While talking on the phone to a woman who was recently singled-by-divorce, I was reading Eleanore’s Facebook post. Yes, that’s right, the Eleanore, queen of I’ve-got-this-single-thing-on-a-leash. Her post referenced spending time and chumming it up with two distinct groups of her friends: happily married women and [by inference] very-comfortable-in-my-skin single women. 


Based on the painful conversation I was having, I was struck by the notion that there are many states of singlehood. As a never-been-married, single parent of an adult daughter, I embrace my life as my life. Yes, over the years I have pondered the reality of why my road forked onto the path of perpetual singleness. Yes, over the years I have, and occasionally still do, long for that ever-evolving storybook marriage. 


However, the truth is most marriages that I have witnessed, well, let’s just say they have left me far less interested in a marriage than a very healthy relationship. Yes, I do on occasion happen upon one of those magical marriages that give true substance and validation to: “happily ever after”. Given an option, yes, I would take such a marriage. At any rate, I said all of that to say that I fall into the category of Eleanore’s very-comfortable-in-my-skin single friends. 


Interestingly, the general twist with being a long-term single woman is often less than flattering. That is most unfortunate, as it negates substantive reality. Run the numbers, i.e., how many happy, healthy marriages does one personally encounter in life? (And for those marriages, I simply desire to grab popcorn and something to drink while gazing with stars in my eyes and heart at a man being a man/gentleman and a woman being a woman/lady unto each other. Humph, that just lights up my heart. It is akin to living art, a masterpiece. It is spiritually enriching. It boasts of beauty without even trying. I become in love with love. 


Just thinking about it reminds me of an inquiry from friend a number of years ago. We were at a concert sitting next to a couple who were so loving and comfortable with their love for each other that they enfolded us into their evening with an incredible lovingkindness that left my friend asking: “Debbie, is it possible to be in love with a couple?”  If so, then we were ready to commit that relationship. In reality, it simply spoke to the loving relationship that we would gladly have welcomed into our own lives.  


Okay, that’s enough about me, as mine is the common vanilla single lifestyle: life is what is and mine is to play the hand I have by valuing the trump cards I possess. Ironically, this is the general posture of single women who wake up every day walking it out in flats or stilettos. What I have come to realize is that this group of single women, unknowingly, model being single to a group of women who are literally locked in a prison of time and space that was intended to be a loving marriage. Looking through the bars of their lives, they see women (married and single) going about their business making things happen, being happy, being fulfilled and fulfilling others. 

This is where my phone call with the singled-by-divorce woman and Eleanore’s prepping for fun with friends weekend come into play. The woman on the other end of the phone gave me an immediate realization that healthy singlehood is a process. Transitioning from being in a “prisonous” marriage into an emotionally healthy single person takes time, support, growth, and yes, some spiritual maturity. After all, it is not possible for one to be the same woman pre-marriage as post-marriage. It will take time to get to “know” oneself unto oneself, and others per this newly evolving self. 


My conversations with the recently singled-by-divorce woman are always awkward for me. Her frame of reference to relationships is unmoored to anything beyond her seeming random imaginings of singlehood. I listen with the challenging awareness being singled-by-divorce is just one step. There are so, so many more along the road to getting to know oneself anew so that one can learn to love oneself.  Being Single 101.


So...do you think the way you became single impacts the way you experience single-dom?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Wedding Survival Tips

I'm wasting a perfectly good Saturday this weekend to attend a wedding.  I always have such mixed feelings about these things.  The bride and groom are good friends of mine and I'm happy they've found each other (a Match.com success story), but weddings usually bore me:  it's like watching the same play over and over, just with different actors.  Of course there are moments of happiness, laughter, fun, and good food and drink, but it's spread over way too many hours of "not much".  I usually spend some of that time pondering ways to shorten a wedding and reception, start-to-finish, to 2-3 hours.  Most wedding events take twice that amount of time, during which I try hard to remain social while really wanting to tiptoe out…without being rude.

My "date" for this wedding is a good Spinsterlicious friend of mine.  Together, we'll figure out a way to make it fun.

The one thing I want to commend the bride on is that I, a single woman, was allowed to bring a guest.  Huge kudos to her because so many people don't extend this courtesy to single people and it annoys the heck out of me.  So much so that I've turned down some wedding invitations when I didn't want to go alone.  Other times, I've left early because I'm just not that good at working the room by myself and I no longer feel like I have to try, if I don't want to.

So it was really timely when someone sent me a link to this article by Meredith Goldstein in the Washington Post called Twelve Tips for Singles at Weddings.    The author gets it. I think her tips are smart.  Except for #11.  I think she must've been drinking when she wrote that one.

Anyway, here's a truncated, sometimes paraphrased,  version of her list.

1.  If you have to travel out of town, stay with the group.  Stay where other people are staying so that it's easy to be included in the pre- and post-wedding activities.

2.  Eat.  Enjoy the cake.  Don't deny yourself.

3.  If you're traveling, don't be cheap. Treat yourself to your own room.  Make it into a mini-vacation.

4. Show up in pictures.  You're part of the moment, so make it known.  Remember to look cute.

5. Table hop. She says to find a new table if you don't like the one you're at.  I love this one.  I'm sure some brides or whoever did the seating might not approve…but so what.  The should have set me with "better" people.

6.  Help.  Give yourself something to do, if you're feeling aimless or losing your mind.  Something like taking pictures or volunteering to lend a hand to someone who needs it.  I think this is a good idea…but one I'm likely not to do.  I'm not usually looking for work.

7.  Take in the sights.  Again, if you're traveling, treat it like a mini-vacation; build in some fun.  If there's something interesting nearby --a park, restaurant, cultural event-- take advantage of it.

8. Don't overthink it. The wedding doesn't mean anything about your life and where you should be.  I love this one, and it's great to be reminded.  I think we sometimes bring our own baggage/issues…unnecessarily.

9.  Try a new outfit.  It might be fun to try out a new look, especially if you don't know a lot of people in attendance.

10.  Ask one person to dance.  Or more than one. Be bold. Pretend you're at a club.

11. Play with the kids.  This is the one where I think she's a little nuts, but that's just me.  I'm not even thinking about doing this one.

12.  Get yourself adopted.  Make a friend or two--even if it's a couple-- and hang out with them.  More than one person is almost always more fun than being by yourself in this situation.

You can read her whole article, here.

Do you have any wedding-survival tips for Singles that you can add to this list?  Please share...

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!