Child-free...or Just Free? (An Oldie-But-Goodie)

I am a "woman of a certain age".  (Love that expression; it says everything...and not much at all).  Never married, no kids.  Spinsterlicious.  And I've got a pretty fantastic life.  I'm pretty good at dating and I have a nice career running my own consumer research and strategy company that has brought me a vacation home, an active social life, and travels around the world.

A lot of people still wonder, though, how a "fantastic life" could be possible since I haven't done what every woman is not only supposed to do, but is apparently driven to do: marry and give birth.  What's more, I've done this by choice.  I'm not anti-husband nor anti-child, but I don't think they're for everyone (really, how could anything be for everyone?), and I never felt they were for me.

For what it's worth, I'm not the only one actively choosing not to have children.  Thirty years ago, only 20% of women in their early 40s had no children; according to the US Census, that number has now doubled.

People assume that if I'm not married it must be because I couldn't pull it off.  (Not true.)  But not wanting kids?  There's clearly something wrong with me.  I mean, why was I given a uterus if I wasn't going to use it?  Just saying I'm not a mother, by choice, is a really good way to slow down a conversation in polite company.  I don't usually offer the "by choice" part, though, because it really shouldn't matter.  (Well, I don't offer it unless someone comments in a way I find annoying, which is usually more of a tone thing.)

Some people --usually women-- seem to take offense at my chosen child-free existence.  It's one thing if I couldn't have them ("poor thing"), but to not want them?  It's as if I'm challenging their decision to have them.  I'm not.  I don't really care about their decision.  (Okay, sometimes I am curious).  Every now and then I come across people who have kids but don't seem to enjoy it, and I do find myself wondering why they bothered.  Maybe they should have given it more thought.

Anyway, without further ado, I thought I'd share 14 of the 67 reasons why not having kids has worked so well for me:

• My Yorkie, Danny, whose haircuts cost more than mine, is really about all the additional responsibility I can handle.  When I leave the house at a moment's notice and stay gone all day without walking him, I call Mike-the-dogwalker and he takes care of it.  People might frown if I treated my kid that way too many times.

• I can watch all kinds of inappropriate TV shows whenever I feel like it, without worrying about who I'm emotionally scarring (other than myself).

• I like to cuss.  The F-word and its derivatives are some of my favorite words.  It's not cute when kids do it, though.  This way, I don't have to answer for my duplicity.

• Similarly, I can download the "explicit" version of songs from iTunes and don't have to censor when I play them.

• If I have too much to drink, it's okay.

• I can laze around the house all Saturday morning with the newspaper, coffee, and the remote control.  No soccer games to go to.

• When I come home exhausted from work or wherever, nobody's clamoring at me and wondering what's for dinner.  (Okay, sometimes the dog is.)

• I can give my friends on the telephone my undivided attention.  I'm not ("stop it, Billy") constantly interrupting my conversation ("no, I don't know where it is") to talk to others ("tie your shoes") on my end.

• I like to walk around the house naked.

• I am able to hold a conversation without peppering it with constant references to my kids.

• Travel is one of my passions.  I work hard... so I can fund my next trip.  I've traveled throughout the U.S. to major cities and small towns, and around the world.  I want to go everywhere, and I pretty much can, because my time and my money are my own.  I spend my dollars however I want without having to consider if it could be better spent on my child's braces.

• Firm-ish boobs.  No stretch marks.

• I can date whoever I want without worrying about his effect on my kids.  If I had kids, I would have to make more responsible choices in the men I bring home.

• In 1998, I quit my job because I decided I wanted to work for myself.  (Actually, I didn't want to work at all, but I couldn't quite figure out how to make that happen).  I thought about it seriously for only a couple of weeks.  Didn't matter; I was tired of being expected to show up at work every day at 9a.  Suppose I didn't feel like starting work until 11:30a?  Clearly the answer was to make my own hours.  And so I did. Not having a business plan or client might have been a tad irresponsible if I'd had to consider somebody else's welfare other than my own.

I have to admit, though, I do miss being able to use my kids as an excuse to get out of stuff I don't feel like doing.  ("Sorry, Annie's got a fever/recital/homework").

Other than that, though, I'm good.  Anybody else want to share?

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I Shouldn't Love This Show, Should I?

One of my newest favorite tv shows is Snapped, on the Oxygen network. My sister turned me on to it. I was laid up with a cold on Sunday and came across a Snapped marathon while I was channel-surfing.  Each episode is a profile of a murder case where the killer is a woman.   Each year, approximately 16,000 people are murdered in the United States. Only 7% of the killers are female (FBI Uniform Crime Reporting Program).  I'm assuming that since murder by a woman is so rare, this is why Snapped explores the crime and, more interestingly, the lives of the women who did the killing.  Who are these women and what drove them to kill?

From what I can tell, the majority of the cases are about a woman who killed her husband or boyfriend.  Part of me is embarrassed that I now watch this show.  I mean, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot.  Suppose there was a show with a tongue-in-cheek name about men who killed women?  I'd be horrified.

I saw a stat somewhere that 1500 women in the U.S. are killed by their husband or boyfriend each year.  That's disgusting.  But this show's funny name kinda sets the tone that when a woman kills it's not so serious.  

I don't know why it is okay to have such a show.  A guy friend of mine says I like it because all women are secretly hostile toward men.  I don't think that's true…but I do imagine that many of us have at some point fantasized about killing a guy who "done us wrong".  We just knew better than to actually do it.  These women didn't.

Is it weird that I (and so many viewers, almost all who are women) enjoy it?  Does it send a message that I should be embarrassed about (but am not)?  What do you think?


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Who Are These Women???

I am so glad I don't have a daughter.   Why?   Well… I know that I would be mostly responsible for raising her, teaching her values, and being her favorite role model but I wouldn't be able to control it all…not 100%.  Just like I did when I was young, one day she would look around and start checking out other women, finding other people to admire, to look up to, to model herself after.  And that's when I would get scared.  I would want to ban television from her life so my child wouldn't grow up to be a fool.

Where is this concern coming from?   From my issues with Reality TV.   I don't even watch a lot of it, but I don't have to.  Clips from the most outrageous segments are shown on the news, talk shows, newsmagazines, program promos, and recaps like The Soup.  They're kinda hard to miss.

I used to think that the chicks on The Jersey Shore were pretty bad.  Not so much anymore.  One could argue that they're young and allowed to be foolish…even reckless because that's what your youth is for, right?

What I would be worried about for my Imaginary Daughter is her exposure to the grown women on shows like the Basketball Wives and Real Housewives franchises.  How would I explain to her why their low-class, disgustingly outrageous behavior is being celebrated?  For being loud, rude, mean, nasty, and violent these women are rewarded with a tv show, paid appearances, celebrity and more.  I don't understand why they're not embarrassed.  Most of them have kids of their own. Why aren't they ashamed? Ashamed of themselves, ashamed for their kids?  Is celebrity that important?

I'm talking specifically about the insulting language, screaming matches and, worse, physical fights.   Really?  Where do they find these women?  I mean, think about it; think of all the adult women you know personally and those you just know of. Do you know any who behave that way?  Any who have been in a physical altercation with another woman?  No, right?

So if I explain away the behavior of Snooki and her crew because they're young, what do I say about these grown women?  They embody all the behaviors I would have identified to my Non-Existent Child as being completely unacceptable in any circumstance…yet these low-life acts are tacitly praised.  These women are mostly attractive and well-dressed so they look presentable enough on the surface, though in reality (pun intended) they are anything but.

So, I guess I could say it's just tv and everybody knows it's not real.  But is that true? These are real people and the fights did happen.   More disturbingly to me is that in the past year, I've noticed more and more news reports of fisticuffs between adult women…in a way I've never seen before.   It spills over...from tv to real life.  It starts to seem acceptable, normal even. If adult women can't resist, how would my young sweet Fake Daughter be able to? I think we owe it to all young girls to be better than this.

Reality Show Women: Reason # 73 I'm glad I'm child free.


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Talking to My 20-Year-Old Self

When I was much younger --20 years old-- I remember being full of excitement…happy to be an almost-grown woman of legal age and jazzed about all that this meant to me:  I could drink…legally.  I would be an adult so didn't have to listen to and do what other people told me (something I was never good at).  I would be graduating from college soon and ready to tackle my new career.  I was propelling myself forward on a real live grown-up life!  I'm sure I didn't really know what all this meant, but I couldn't wait.

But if I remember correctly, I was also unsure of so many things.  Like how would I find a job I really wanted?  Not just a job, but one that I really wanted.  And, I didn't want to marry the guy I was dating, but I really dug him;  I went to college and he didn't, and he was happy with his working-class salary and I wanted more.  How would we figure this out?   I was socially awkward (still am, at times) and I was always annoying somebody…not only was it usually unintentional, most of the time I wasn't even aware.  What to do about that?  My friends and I were all going in different directions.  Could we maintain the friendship?  Would I make new friends?  How?  I was always full of questions about the "rules of society": marriage? kids? dress rules? social decorum? How to decide what really matters?

I was excited and full of angst at the same time.  When I think about the way my life has turned out vs the concerns I had then, I want to go back into time and tell my 20-year-old self to "relax".  "Everything's going to be fine" would be too much of a platitude, but "you'll be fine" would be a true statement.

I would tell myself that I now know that most of the things we worry about don't turn out to be nearly as bad as we anticipate they will be.

I had no idea that NYC was on the horizon and would become my home and the beginning of a really exciting journey.

I would tell myself to "go ahead and settle into yourself".  Your personality is what it is.  I wasted so much time trying to hide my shyness and being bad at it because I am who I am.  Everybody's not going to like you --no matter what.

 I went into therapy in my late 30s; turned my internal life around.  I should have done it 10 years earlier and would have been much more chill.

I'd say that following your heart and doing what feels right for you is usually better than following the generic rules made up by somebody else that I don't even know.  So…no husband and no kids will be fine.  Not joining a sorority (or any other group) when all around you are doing that will be fine.  Getting a master's degree from a city college and not a highfalutin' (expensive) Ivy League school won't even matter in a few years.  (Well, actually it did matter; I wasn't stuck with a student loan!)

I'd prime myself for all the fun I would have dating interesting and fun men, traveling around the world, and going from job to job because I'm naturally restless.  (Well, the job-change thing wasn't necessarily fun, but it wasn't bad).

 Most importantly I would tell myself to learn what it means to be a good friend and cultivate those skills, don't spend your energy on toxic people (men or women) because you can't fix them and they'll drag you down, and learn to trust your gut; so often what I felt immediately was the right thing to feel…and then I'd talk myself out of it.  I try not to do that now. And you know what, my life is not only really good but it's way better than I ever imagined it would be.  That would have been good to know at 20.

What about you?  What would you tell your 20-year-old self?  How do you think it would matter?


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I Love You. Now Please Go Home.

I had lunch the other day with my ex, Jay.  We've remained friends and always have a good time "catching up" over food and drink.  He had a brief marriage in his 20s, but has been single (and a very active bachelor) ever since.  I, of course, have been single... well, forever.  He started telling me about how, lately, he's become very protective of his living space.  Even though he has the room, he's really not that fond of having visitors stay for very long.  He was a little apologetic about this...until I slapped him a high five.  I totally got it.

My place, a one-bedroom apartment, is only big enough for one person (and her cute lil dog).   I say this even though there are a number of couples in my building who happily live in apartments of the same size.  But I, too, suffer from the same affliction that Jay has.  When it comes to overnight guests, you can spend one night here, but you're pushing it with two.

And this is true no matter who it is.  It is true for people I love, whose company I enjoy, and am happy to see.  But I want you to go home.  You see, I have mastered the art of living-alone.  My stuff is right where it's supposed to be and it's right where I left it.  If I put my pen down, it's still there when I come back two days later to use it again…except if my beloved guest picked it up, used it, and put it down somewhere else.  My guest didn't mean any harm.  I know that.  But s/he didn't put it back where it was and now I have to look for it.

Jay and I laughed as we talked about this because we know we sound crazy.  We don't care though.  We understand that living alone for too long may have ruined us.  When I'm dating a guy, I love to have him over.  I'm happy to see him walk through the door…and happy to see him leave.  Fortunately, most of the guys I've dated live in a place that is larger than mine, so I use that as the excuse as to why we should spend more time at his place than mine.

When out-of-town guests come to visit, I have to talk myself into trying to appear normal because usually they're coming for longer than one night and I know I'm going to be anxious and weird because they're in my space.  I am fortunate to have a vacation home that is larger and, more importantly, more welcoming.  I love entertaining guests out there and I think I'm not all weirded out when guests move my stuff because I don't really live there all the time so I'm less proprietary about things.  Unfortunately, this other place is in the country and sometimes people want to be in NYC.  Then I'm in trouble.

And it's not just me and Jay. My neighbor has a new boyfriend.  They met about four months ago and things have progressed quite nicely.  They love each other,  get along well, and have a lot of fun together.  There's just one problem: Jackie would like it if her beau spent a lot less time at her place.  She wants the relationship…she just misses having her privacy.  She, too, has lived alone most of her adult life and having a most-of-the-time visitor is a little disorienting for her.  But, she can't say anything; he wouldn't understand --because he's not like us-- and it would hurt his feelings which, of course she wouldn't want to do.  So she just sucks it up…for now, anyway.

What about you?  Are Jay, Jackie,  and I the only ones like this?  Do you have idiosyncrasies you've developed by living alone for too long?



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Was Spinsterhood My Destiny?

I often talk about how I never really wanted to be married or have kids.  Even when I was young, I recall being the only one of my friends who didn't fantasize about the life-to-come as a wife and mother.  Many of my friends, even as tweens, had already picked out names for the kids they would have in 15 years.  But not me.

Sometimes I would wonder what was wrong with me, but most of the time I just assumed I was a late bloomer and I, too, might someday pepper my conversation with how I couldn't wait to be married.  (I'm still waiting).

I have always assumed I was just different, and this lack of desire to marry or procreate was just part of my independent, sometimes contrarian, spirit.  But one day I came across a book, The Secret Language of Birthdays.  I'm not a big believer in astrology (or whatever this is based on), but this book profiles people by their birth date, and it nailed my personality completely!  It's eerie.

It even foretells my spinsterhood!  Yep!.  There's a passage that reads "…November 26 people can be reticent about marriage or taking on the responsibilities of children".  (Gasp!)

Oh my!  And all this time I thought this was my decision and mine alone.  Now I find out my destiny was written in the stars, so to speak.  Fascinating.  But, this totally throws me off.  What about free will?

What do you think?  Is this pure coincidence?  Has anything like this ever happened to you?



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My First Published Magazine Article (Yay!)

A few month's ago, I received an email from an editor at Woman's Day magazine.  She came across my blog and found its content and tone "interesting".  She, like many people, thought it unusual that a woman who could be married was okay with being single.

Because she likes to present different points-of-view in the magazine, she asked me to write an article for them in my own voice.  I was delighted.  I'm not a "trained" writer, so it was an honor to be allowed to write it myself rather than just being interviewed and having someone else craft it.

The article is on newstands now, in the November issue.  Here it is:
Why-I-Said-Yes-to-Staying-Single

(http://www.womansday.com/Articles/Sex-Relationships/Why-I-Said-Yes-to-Staying-Single.html)



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Should You Really Confront Your Man's "Girlfriend"?

Not too long ago, a friend of mine, Addie, received a phone call at 4:00 in the morning. The caller was a woman who demanded to know the nature of Addie's relationship with her --the caller's-- boyfriend.  (No one in this story is 17 years old, btw).

We are still laughing about this.  It's a shame when a woman feels she has to make a call like that.  And too bad for this chick that she didn't know better than to make that call to Addie.  Addie's x-rated response can't be printed here but it went something like this: "I blank his blank every chance I get, and then we blank. He really likes it".   The caller cried.

Here's the thing: Addie's relationship with this guy, the woman's supposed boyfriend is strictly platonic, but she said what she said because she really didn't appreciate being awakened in the middle of the night by a nervous Girlfriend who's lost control of her man.  Boyfriend would like it to be more, but Addie isn't interested.  So...the caller was correct in suspecting that all is not right in her relationship, but she needs to deal with it with Boyfriend and leave other people out of it.  And honestly, once you're making a phone call like that you've pretty much already lost him.  Have a little dignity, for pete's sake.

I always feel sorry for women who do this.  I've never confronted another woman about my guy because if you're intuitive, you already know the deal.  If you have to ask...you probably already know the answer.  In Addie's situation, the caller had the right inkling but the wrong woman.  Poor thing.

C'mon...'fess up. Have you ever confronted another woman about your man?  (I haven't...though I've certainly thought about it...before I came to my senses.)



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Is That Your Ma...Or Your Grandma?

There's an article in New York Magazine that is causing lots of discussion everywhere. On TV talk shows, the news, Twitter, all over the blogosphere.  It's about women over 50 having babies.  Not adopting.  Giving birth.

My gut reaction was "Ewww.  Gross!"  But then, when I gave it another thought I realized even my reaction is more complicated than that.  Because who has the "right" to be a parent can be a very complicated discussion.

Obviously, there's a lot of science and technology involved here.  It's pretty tough...almost impossible...for a woman over 50 to give birth without some help.  So while most of these women may actually give birth, it's not usually with their own eggs.  Even then, they sometimes require a little boosting from other medical advances.

It's easy to go to the place of saying "if she's too old, she'll die while the kid is young".  But sometimes even young parents die.  So since we don't really know when a person will leave this earth, that's more of a statistical argument than one that applies to any specific situation.

I've always pretty much felt that I didn't want kids.  But I do recall when I was in my early 30s, I was told by an older woman that she never wanted kids when she was young, but came to regret that decision when she got older.   So, I always wondered if that would happen to me.  And it almost did...for just a few minutes.  There was a very brief period when I thought "I should have a baby before it's too late"; I didn't want to end up in the same situation this woman had.  But that seemed like a really foolish reason to have a kid.  Because I might want one later??  What if I didn't?  Then what?  Could I give it away, saying I had changed my mind?  Well, I think people wouldn't look too kindly on that.

The reality is, I can think of lots of people who shouldn't have kids: substance abusers, crazy people, narcissists, the selfish, mean people... but nobody writes an article about whether they should be allowed to procreate.  I'd probably choose an older lady over a meth addict.

Interestingly, births to women over 45 years old have doubled since 1997, according to the CDC, and births to women over 50 have increased by 375%.  This might be something we'll have to get used to whether we like it or not.

Fortunately, I'm still safe from having to think about this too much.  No kids; no real desire to have any...yet.

What do you think?  Is this a big deal?  Should it be?



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