I had lunch the other day with my ex, Jay. We've remained friends and always have a good time "catching up" over food and drink. He had a brief marriage in his 20s, but has been single (and a very active bachelor) ever since. I, of course, have been single... well, forever. He started telling me about how, lately, he's become very protective of his living space. Even though he has the room, he's really not that fond of having visitors stay for very long. He was a little apologetic about this...until I slapped him a high five. I totally got it.
My place, a one-bedroom apartment, is only big enough for one person (and her cute lil dog). I say this even though there are a number of couples in my building who happily live in apartments of the same size. But I, too, suffer from the same affliction that Jay has. When it comes to overnight guests, you can spend one night here, but you're pushing it with two.
And this is true no matter who it is. It is true for people I love, whose company I enjoy, and am happy to see. But I want you to go home. You see, I have mastered the art of living-alone. My stuff is right where it's supposed to be and it's right where I left it. If I put my pen down, it's still there when I come back two days later to use it again…except if my beloved guest picked it up, used it, and put it down somewhere else. My guest didn't mean any harm. I know that. But s/he didn't put it back where it was and now I have to look for it.
Jay and I laughed as we talked about this because we know we sound crazy. We don't care though. We understand that living alone for too long may have ruined us. When I'm dating a guy, I love to have him over. I'm happy to see him walk through the door…and happy to see him leave. Fortunately, most of the guys I've dated live in a place that is larger than mine, so I use that as the excuse as to why we should spend more time at his place than mine.
When out-of-town guests come to visit, I have to talk myself into trying to appear normal because usually they're coming for longer than one night and I know I'm going to be anxious and weird because they're in my space. I am fortunate to have a vacation home that is larger and, more importantly, more welcoming. I love entertaining guests out there and I think I'm not all weirded out when guests move my stuff because I don't really live there all the time so I'm less proprietary about things. Unfortunately, this other place is in the country and sometimes people want to be in NYC. Then I'm in trouble.
And it's not just me and Jay. My neighbor has a new boyfriend. They met about four months ago and things have progressed quite nicely. They love each other, get along well, and have a lot of fun together. There's just one problem: Jackie would like it if her beau spent a lot less time at her place. She wants the relationship…she just misses having her privacy. She, too, has lived alone most of her adult life and having a most-of-the-time visitor is a little disorienting for her. But, she can't say anything; he wouldn't understand --because he's not like us-- and it would hurt his feelings which, of course she wouldn't want to do. So she just sucks it up…for now, anyway.
What about you? Are Jay, Jackie, and I the only ones like this? Do you have idiosyncrasies you've developed by living alone for too long?
NOTE: If you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!
Oh yeah. And don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life SHOP!
13 comments:
I am the same way. It doesn't matter if it's family, a close friend, or someone I'm dating. I always say that no matter how much I love someone, there is no one that I want around me all the time. Even when I'm dating someone, I hate having them spend the night, or staying the night at their house. I just can't sleep as well as I do alone, in my bed, with my pets. That's just the way it is :)
~ Serenity ~
I couldn't agree more! I've only lived alone in my studio apartment for just over a year but even if a guy can make it past the test of not criticizing the way I organize (read: don't organize) or decorate (read: don't decorate), I still desperately miss my routines and ease of being by myself in my own space. Though like you my place is generally smaller so I can usually leverage staying over at his ;)
Lauren
Same here. A guy I was 'seeing' in another country came to visit for a week. As his visit neared, I was practically hyperventilating. I hadn't had anybody in my space for that long (except my son) in over a decade! By day 4, seeing his stuff scattered about was getting on my nerves. (My stuff may be scattered about, but it's MY stuff, in MY home.) I learned from that relationship, and a later one, that days in the same space is the MAXIMUM amount of time I can spend without getting agitated.
I used to LOVE having guests. I think that the size and setup of your space is really important in this matter. But also, some of it has to do with growing up. When you're in your early 20s, a free place is awesome and you just crash on the floor or sofa or where ever and its all good, right? Well, I have always been a domestic goddess and the thought of someone sleeping on my sofa really bothers me. I want to host well and I simply don't have the space to do it. If I had a big house with no roommates, I think I would be just fine! As long as there weren't any young children visitors with dirty little hands making a mess everywhere!!
I hear ya, and it's the same for me, but I'm green with envy at all of you. Now that Sydney is the most stupidly expensive city on the planet for renting or buying, I find myself camping in my friends' storeroom, where I have a single bed and clothes rack. This is my life, at 45. My friend is a domestic nazi and has a way of dominating the communal space in the flat, even bugging me while I'm in my room, asking me what I'm doing. It is HELL because like you, I got used to living alone back in the days when I had my dignity. So yeah, I'd really like the "guests" to leave, only I AM THE FREAKING GUEST.
Last year, when I owned an awesome studio apartment in Woolloomooloo (when I had my dignity), a certain "comedy legend" came to crash for "a few nights", and decided he was never leaving. He's never had a real job, and I'd come home from work to find him drunk on all my beer, dancing around the room in sunglasses and his underpants. The hilarity of all that wore off pretty fast. I endured him for 2.5 weeks before having the difficult conversation. Remember, this was a studio. He moved to the backpacker's next door and stayed there for 6 months hitting on Swedish teenagers.
I would just kill for my own space now and I'm finding this current situation erupts in friction and showdowns, as it did last week. All I can say is, enjoy your own space, ladies - I don't know when I'll ever see mine again.
Oh, gee. I was married and moved into a larger house afterwards. I have plenty of space but I can only take visitors for a couple of hours and then I'm anxious (on pins and needles, actually) for them to go home. I don't have the new to say, "Leave." So then, I start thinking how rude of them to overstay their welcome. You know, laying the blame on them for my cowardice. Strange thing of it is, I don't think I mind sharing my space with a beau friend who could be a potential hubby. It's just that I seem to get visitors who wanna sit around, eat my food and then out the door they go. But then too, I know I'm still a little weird 'cause I don't like being disturbed in the middle of something and a hubby would do just that.
I have the same issue as Lauren regarding the way I organize (read: don't organize). I'm comfortable in my space and prefer visiting my date at his place where I'm not only pampered but can leave when I want.
This is me. I need my space, my chill out teevee or reading time and people not breaking stuff (something always breaks when I have houseguests).
I'm so with you, and Jackie, on this one . . . and everyone else by the looks of the comments. It's not that I mind people organizing or reorganising or touching my stuff it's just having them there.
I found this very difficult to get used to when married, fortunately I was always home before my husband so got to have a couple of hours of solitary time.
This raises the issue of what if I ever met someone again? I'd like to marry again- in theory- but don't think I'd want them to live with me. (I'm worrying about this in advance so that when it happens I'll already have figured it out!)
Oh, and my bed is no longer big enough for anyone else to stay the night! Fortunately this isn't an issue right now but . . . what the hell am I gonna do next time I have a (real) relationship (Not just one with an idiot who works overseas and I never see anyway)?
Oh, ladies - thank you, thank you for those comments. I feel I am in good company with all of you. I had a very lengthy biz/personal relationship for 18 years where we lived and worked in the same place. It was heaven for him - torture for me. I need some space and privacy, it drove me poitively crazy. Now that both the biz and personal relationship is at an end and I am in my VERY OWN house and space, I am having a hard time sharing it. Who knows what on earth I will do when/if I start daing? And - livng togethe or marriage? In theory, sounds good but in reality- don't know if I am willing to put up with the lack of privacy and space again. I am spoiled and loving every minute of it and feel no need to apologze for it. I guess I'm not nuts after all! :)
I've never said this out loud before, but having my personal space & privacy ALL TO MYSELF is one of the primary reasons I never had kids.
I'm essentially a loner & having somebody share my home for 18+ years makes my fillings hurt.
With my family I go crazy every time they come visit they start cursing at each other start moving my things around and then say it wasn’t them and even worst braking things and denying it. I prefer to visit them just one day tops and then come back home. I've been single for a very long time but I love being single I've notice I don’t want any commitments with anybody just myself. No, I’m not being selfish because I dedicate most of my free time to helping others. I don’t mind having my guy friends over for one night but then I find myself kicking them out in the morning nicely sometimes I don’t notice I’m doing it. Oh and is heavenly when your alone again.
Growing up, my home was like GRAND CENTRAL STATION. My father is a minister and we were always hosting. One year in particular, mom served over 1500 meals - NOT including family...and our family is huge.
I'm not a "crowd" person. One on one, I'm fine, for a short period of time, but I need my space, my solitude and my quiet time.
I work with the public all day long, so after I leave work, I want nothing more than to go home to my little cabin in the woods - no neighbors - and chill.
I used to feel selfish about that, but decided years ago, it's my personality; it's just the way I am, and I've accepted that. I will never marry again because I love my life and my time alone. I may be alone most of time, but I'm never lonely. I was terribly lonely when I was married, because I thought I had someone to share my life, and even when he was there physically, he wasn't emotionally. Now I know I'm going solo, I'm never lonely.
LIFE IS GOOD!
Post a Comment