As one woman put it, "I just wanted to change my life"...so she did. She left. One expert says this is a manifestation of how narcissistic we've all become. Another says it's just an example of women taking back their power and refusing to "put up or shut up" like women historically may have. Both explanations might be true, but I'm leaning more toward the latter.
It's interesting, though. Bored married men just cheat on their wives; bored married women leave. I have to admit, this reaffirms my fear about marriage. I always assumed I'd be bored to death looking at the same guy for the rest of my life, so I just didn't bother. I always remember a line from a Chris Rock joke: you got two choices: single and lonely -or married and bored.
But what do you think? Is being bored enough of a good reason to get a divorce? What if children are involved? (Leaving is probably better than murder, huh?)
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15 comments:
Yes, boredom is reason enough to leave a marriage. I think it's especially true for women around menopause. It rewires your brain and moves u to let go of baggage and limitations. American women aren't as creative as women from other countries who often figure out creative ways to stay in a boring marriage and still reap the bennies!!!!
I'd argue that boredom-driven divorce is also a sign of marriage being considered so "normal" that a lot of women find themselves in it, and then find it's not at all what they really wanted for themselves. I've seen a lot more people lately able to effectively co-parent from 2 different households, and that it's possible that divorce just might be the best option for the kids involved.
I agree with the previous comments. I do think boredom is a good enough reason. I guess it depends on the boredom. If there is still some love, can you create adventure together? But if you are bored with your role as wife and the life it entails, I think women have a right to create the kind of life they want. Just like men do. Yes, marriage is not all we think it's going to be and we often marry the wrong person for us, just based on who we were with at the time in our lives we thought marriage was the right choice. When kids are involved, it does get harder. But when mom is unhappy, it makes everyone unhappy. VERY thought-provoking post!
I'm in two minds about this. If they want to go it alone and revel in their independence, great. If they think the grass is greener, think again. I did leave my fiance pretty much for that reason, over 10 years ago. The horror I've faced on the dating scene since then and the way I've been treated by the jerks out there now makes me realise it's one thing to "get laid", quite another to be loved and cherished, which I now know is very, very unlikely to occur again. That's a hell of a thing to lose. I've had a couple of "boyfriends" since then, who were biding their time before they met The One, and I had little in common with them. Unlike the guy I left. Mostly I've wound up feeling used and spat-out. Hooray for me. Maybe leaving was what I felt I had to do at the time (and I did), but sometimes I'd give anything just to spend a day with my old fiance or anyone that "gets" me, anyone I can have an effortless and stimulating conversation with, let alone someone who gives a crap about me. Here in Australia, such guys are few and far between. So I've now entered into spinsterhood, and that obviously has its charms - maybe it was the right road for someone as unique and independent as me - but sometimes, just sometimes...
I guess my mother was a maverick. I'm over 40, and my parents divorced when I was 6. They didn't have shared custody that's popular today, but I saw my Dad every Sunday. My parents never spoke badly of one another. When I was about 18 I asked my mother why they divorced and she said that my Dad bored her to tears and she had to change her life. I think she was very brave. She was a middle class stay-at-home mom who then had to go out and start a career and raise two kids almost all on her own. She was (and is) beautiful, fun to be with and outgoing, and so there were always nice men in her life. However, I think the men of today are different - in a bad way - from their fathers, and always looking to see if the "next one" is better/prettier/smarter than the one they're with. She did find a wonderful man 20 years ago, and was with him until his death 3 years ago. However, she maintained her independance throughout and wouldn't marry him, even though he wanted that.
I think boredom comes from within. Ms. Valentine looked in the mirror and didn't like herself. Her husband saw her for who she was. (This is covered in the book, The Divorce Party--great read. The author interviewed a lot of divorced couples). I bet if you went back 5 years, when she married the guy, she might not have been happy with who she was then. Or just didn't have the self-awareness or honesty with herself of what she really wanted in life. That's what happened with Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love. She got married because it was the thing to do, the next step to take. A lot of people do that. Whereas you should get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with that person.
So with the idea that boredom comes from within, I think it ought to be worked out within the framework of your committments. If he loved her and she communicated to him what she wanted to do, he might have been like, yeah, let's quit our jobs and go do this, or you go do this, and I'll be here. But with that brother and sister comment, he was comfortable to her--you have to look back at the reasons why she married him. She was probably lonely, scared to be alone at that time, didn't like herself, and here was someone who liked her and muted those feelings of self-dislike. Those are the wrong reasons to get married. But what do I know? Life is one big journey!
@Janine--I completely agree. The grass is always greener.
Great article--thanks for posting!
Thanks for all your comments, very thought provoking.
That is one of the reasons I won't get married. I know for sure I will get bored. Even the word marriage makes me yawn. And yes, boredom is a valid reason to leave a marriage as that can lead to cheating and hurt. If children are involved, they will adjust (another reason why I remain childree and single).
Yes, being bored is A reason for divorce. Being bored brings on unhappiness, dissatisfaction, depression and other things that bring you down. One of the reasons I left my marriage was because I became bored. If you first try counseling, therapy, new things and techniques and Conversation and you are still bored, Go/Run. Aunt Danny
I think the term "boredom" may mean different things to different people. After a number of years, people change - some evolve, some devolve and some remain static. If one is evolving and one is devolving, then the marriage or relationship isn't going to survive. I had a heart attack and it was a painful realization that my partner only saw me as an employee/worker bee in our business and could have cared less about my health. I left. p
Take some time to communicate with your better half to avoid misunderstanding.
If you get bored easily with one person, then you have no business being married- in my humble opinion. The irony here is I think that some people get married because they're bored and/or its something that they think they should do. And so after they've been married for 3 or 4 years, they find themselves bored all over again and thus they want to start from scratch. If you get bored, go date around instead!
Another biggie here is that I think people expect the love of their life to be their sole purpose for happiness. You should never depend on somebody else to make you happy because you can only find happiness within.
Interesting post though!
Divorce is not a great experience to go through, but if this is the only solution to personal happiness, by all means do it.
I have to agree with shopinchic. Why even bother getting married if you're only going to get bored? Marriage is a commitment to each other, hence the whole "for better or for worse" and "til death do us part" bits. Getting a divorce for any reason, especially boredom of all things, completely undermines the whole point of getting hitched in the first place.
I just left my marriage out of boredom. After a few month of being "out there" I dont know whats worse being bored or going from person trying to find your next person who will eventually bore you too. How can you have the best of both worlds whether its marriage or otherwise? How do I get my emotions off a sliding scale depending on what is happening with the person Im involved with?
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