I received this note from one of my favorite readers:
I had to read it twice, though, to really understand what she was saying. On the surface, she spoke about wanting acknowledgement from her grandfather for being a great aunt to her sister's kids. I think what it is really about, though, is that grandpa doesn't know --and therefore can't acknowledge-- the real pain she feels of not having the kids she really wants. But I'm sure he doesn't know…maybe because she hasn't really told him. So he made an assumption.He got it wrong. This happens a lot, but oftentimes I think people just don't know any better. When you don't do what is "expected" of you --in this case, not having a husband or children --how do you manage the assumptions or questions from others? Do you tirelessly explain to each and every one why you haven't followed the societal norm? Or do you just get annoyed/angry.
And perhaps, worse, does it hurt your feelings because you're constantly forced to confront the fact that you don't have the husband and/or kids you want so much?
This isn't my deal because I've chosen not to get married or have kids, but this reader did not make this choice, it was made for her. So, I kinda don't know what to say, so I'm putting the question to you.
What would you say to a dear friend who presented this same scenario to you?
NOTE: If you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!
Oh yeah. And don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life SHOP!
8 comments:
From another point of view here... Perhaps he meant that sometimes taking care of other people's children can make you NOT want kids of your own.
My sister once got terribly offended when she was late getting ready for a family event and my mother said, "It's a good thing you don't have 3 kids to get ready too!"
Sister, believing it was a jab that she doesn't have any kids yet and therefore had no excuse for being late, didn't speak to Mom for months.
Many times perceived slams are merely things we put on ourselves and are in no way meant they way we assume.
Not all women are 100% sure they made the right decision never marrying or not having kids. Myself, I thought I didn't want either, but am finding at 50, that I might have made a mistake. There can be a sad and lonely side to spinsterhood, take a look at the "mid-life and the always single woman" blog. If a woman is not estatic with being a spinster and childfree/childless, a seemingly harmless comment can become real personal. So I can empathize with the writer.
@Angie and @Anonymous: This is why I love doing this blog. Thanks for giving us another way to think about it!
Grandpa could have been more careful with his assumptions...or better yet, not voice them.
I think that, as in most cases, you have to consider the other persons point of view. It's often hard for people to acknowledge your singleness or lack of husband/kids - it's a social minefield! He could have avoided it altogether, but instead he made a comment which could be harmless/hurtful depending on how you take it.
Cut him a break... he's from a different generation where a childless woman (by choice or otherwise) was far less common.
I'm in the same boat - single, childless and wish not to be - and people make comments that are hurtful all the time without realising it. You can't take offense, they are just ignorant of how much it might hurt you. The best thing to do is address it - 'I really would have liked to have children but it didn't happen for me.'
Maybe it's awkward to put it out there, but I generally find honesty is the best policy - and it has the benefit that the other person may be more sensitive in future.
To me, it sounds like he would love you to have some! At the same time his comment may not mean anything. xxx
I totally agree with Melbourne Dreaming. I've started doing that lately, when someone makes a comment to me, to stop and think where they're coming from. It's how they're seeing the world with their issues, dreams, etc. And also with the be honest part. I'm learning it's all about being real and honest with yourself and others. Good or pain, painful or joyful, it is what it is. If it's painful, I don't have to like it and that's okay, but it is reality. It's hard acknowledging that, too! Lol!
He didn't mean to make her feel bad. If she could go back in time, some kind of response like, "oh, Grandpa, I'd love to have kids, but it just hasn't happened yet. But in the meantime, my niece and newphew bring me such great joy."
Peace!
* "good or bad, painful or joyful"
And also he probably loves her so much, so her having kids would bring him great joy, too.
Post a Comment