The Joys of High-Ish Heels | Women's Voices For Change

A piece I wrote for another site. Is it too much to ask for shoes to look good AND feel good??

The Joys of High-Ish Heels | Women's Voices For Change

Can You Say Your Mate is Fat?

Several years ago, one of my best friends, Charlotte, gained quite a bit of weight. Although we talk about everything, I watched her get bigger and bigger but I didn't say anything because I didn't think I was supposed to.   Every television talk show  has had an episode where people were admonished  for bringing up a friend's/family member's weight.   We are told "don't do it".   So I didn't.   I wondered what the heck was going on but I said nothing.   So imagine my surprise a few months later when she yelled at me over lunch for not pointing out her weight gain.  The conversation went something like this:

Charlotte:  Did you notice that I gained weight?

Me:  Of course.

Charlotte:  Well, why the f*&^ didn't you say something?

Me:  I didn't think i was supposed to.

Charlotte:   Why not?  You're supposed to be my friend.  Why wouldn't you say something, for chrissakes?!

Me:  (laughing)  You knew you were fat.  You knew it before I did.   What were you seeing when you were naked in front of the mirror? 

Charlotte:  I don't know.  I guess I wasn't paying attention, but I would think a good friend would call my attention to it instead of just letting me get bigger and bigger.

She went on to say her husband finally said something to her and that she was now trying to correct it but she would have preferred I said something as soon as I noticed.  I pointed out to her that I think her husband --moreso than me-- is the person who should say something.   She made me promise that I would tell her the next time she started to pork up and so I did.  She appreciated it.

Charlotte and I still laugh about this, but I think she's unusual in that way.   I don't think most people want to have their weight gain pointed out to them.   Which leads me to this next situation.  My friend, Janis, has a friend who is concerned about his girlfriend's weight gain.  They've been living together for about six months and he is troubled by the weight she has put on during that time.  So he asked Janis if he should say something to her.  Janis wasn't sure, so she posted a Facebook poll to ask some of her friends what they thought.  The responses were interesting, with the vast majority saying a resounding NO.

I was one of those in the minority because I think he should say something to her.   In fact, I think he has to.   When one-half of a couple is bothered by something about the other half, it's going to come out one way or another.   When people don't voice their concerns, they usually act them out and that's worse.  We all know what it's like to be with someone who's acting strange, being different but he/she isn't saying anything.  You know something's wrong but you dont' know what.  That's what would happen here.   If he doesn't say to her that her weight gain is bothering him, he will show her and I think that's more hurtful.  I say "man up" and say what's on your mind.   Be sensitive, be caring, but be straight with her.   It'll clear the air and keep him from glaring at her belly or rolling his eyes every time she reaches for a cookie. 

I was with an ex- recently and noticed that he'd put on quite a bit of weight.  I hadn't quite decided how far this reconnection was going to go, but I do recall being somewhat taken aback by the size of his gut when he took his shirt off while working in the yard.   I thought "ooh, that's not good".   I couldn't decide what to say or how to say it so I said nothing but I wasn't thrilled.   Fortunately, it became clear pretty quickly that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to re-start the relationship so his weight gain became a moot point... but I couldn't help but wonder if it would have been inappropriate to say something.  Part of my concern was appearance and part of it was health.  It's been proven that weight gain around the middle, in particular, is not a good thing from a health perspective.   But I know people talk the health angle when what they're really thinking about is the appearance.  The health thing is really only a concern if we're going to be together long-term.  The immediate issue was that it just didn't look good.   I'm not sure it should matter but I felt like it might.  (Yeah, I was having a shallow moment).

I don't think it's fair to mention being bothered by someone's weight gain if you entered the relationship knowing your partner has weight "issues".   However, a normally slim/fit person who gains 40 pounds changes the equation and I think it's fair to say something.


But I was surprised at how many people, mostly women, were adamant that weight is off- limits as a "something's bothering me" subject, no matter what.  What do you think?

Birthday Girl

Today is my birthday.  I love a birthday.  It's my excuse to up the ante on food and drink and other festivities for a couple of weeks.  I usually have some sort of gathering to celebrate, but with the busy lives we all have, of course, all the invitees can't make it.  Those who can't make it are given the opportunity to treat me at another time  :-) , so the celebration goes on and on! 

My neighbor, Traci surprised me this morning with breakfast, flowers, and a gift certificate to her friend's lingerie shop, Journelle.  (We are straight, despite appearances here)!  I then spent most of the morning on the phone with my family and a few friends wishing me a happy day.  Because my birthday is always around Thanksgiving Day, people usually remember it even if they don't get the actual day right. So I've been receiving birthday wishes since Wednesday.  I like it.

I was supposed to have lunch with an old beau (he would probably prefer if I said ex-beau), but I couldn't pull it off.  I got very behind and had a lot going on, so we re-scheduled.  It'll be fun. Hanging out with ex-beaus (something I do quite a bit) is usually great because it's like a snapshot of the good times when we were together... with none of the headaches.


This afternoon, I treated myself to a day spa in Gramercy, using the steam room and having an awesome, much-deserved massage!  It was heavenly and I feel like I new woman.  I just had Thanksgiving Day leftovers (yummmm) and am now headed for a nap.  About 10 of us are going out later tonight to finish off the birthday celebration with food and drinks and
birthday cake, and maybe a little dancing. (Thanks, Benilde!)


This was certainly a Spinsterlicious birthday because it included so many of my favorite things.   What about you?  What Spinsterlicious plans do you have for your next birthday?

Thankful

I'm hosting Thanksgiving Dinner this year.  Here in my tiny NYC apartment several friends will gather at around 4p to feast, drink, laugh, and be thankful.   I'm doing the dinner the best way I know how: A Fresh Direct Thanksgiving!   Yay!!   Fresh Direct prepares and delivers an entire Thanksgiving dinner to your door!  That's right: veggies, cranberry sauce, stuffing, gravy, rolls, dessert and a mostly-cooked turkey.  The turkey has to be cooked for maybe 2 hours; everything else just needs heating up. It's all the joys of a delicious, delightful Thanksgiving dinner with about 1/4 of the work.  It's a beautiful thing.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Good food, good people, good times. Everybody celebrates it and there's nothing not to like. (Even if the original Thanksgiving story is a little suspect, we ignore it).  So, while I'm doing little things around the house to prepare for my guests, here's a few things that I'm extremely thankful for (in no particular order):

-Turkey wings, my favorite part

-My life, in general. It's fantastic, I'm much appreciative and do not take my good fortune for granted

-My sister, Phyllis (and Danny's auntie) who's one of my best friends.  The rest of my family and the good relationships we have.  I know everybody cannot say that and I'm glad that I can

-Flavored coffee

-My friends. I'm so fortunate to have such a great circle of friends who are fun, smart, and good people.  I don't dare try to list them, though, because I'm sipping on the dinner wine (gotta make sure it's right) and if I forget someone...uh-oh. But they know who they are.

-My job (and the folks) at Taylor PR. I'm new there but I kinda dig the place.

-Gummy bears, Dots, and Swedish Fish

-The Boy

-My health. It's super good, especially for an old-ish broad.

-A relatively warm November

-My shoe collection.

-My financial health. It's good.  It hasn't always been, but I'm liking the way things are looking.

-Danny, the world's cutest dog

-DVR


Happy Thanksgiving to all.  I'd love to know at least one thing you're thankful for this year.  Tell me...

Sometimes Being Single Sucks

As you know, I like being single.  But sometimes being single sucks. And when I say "single", I don't mean "not married", I mean "not in a relationship".  I never think being unmarried sucks, but I do like having a boyfriend.


Right now is one of those times when I'm less than thrilled about being single.  Yes, I am kinda seeing someone, but it's not that serious yet. I need something serious right now because I need somebody to drag to the office Xmas party and the multitude of other business-related holiday parties I'm facing in the coming month.  I've learned the hard way that the office party is not the place to bring a "casual something". The office party is for spouses, fiances, significant others.

"The guy I see" isn't quite appropriate for this setting. Why?  Because for the rest of the year the boss will ask "How's Dave"... or worse, "Where's Dave" because by then I've moved onto to someone else, but I don't really feel like explaining it.  It can be awkward. After awhile I start to get embarrassed because there's been times when it was a different guy every office social occasion. Glad, yes, that I had guys available...but also embarrassed because I might be looking like a slut. 

But I don't really like going alone, either.  I can be a little clumsy, socially, at parties where I don't know a lot of people.  It's better when I have someone with me that can save me from myself and my awkward behavior.  So being single is about to suck soon because the office party is in a couple of weeks.

This time of year is probably the time I'm most likely to wish I could wave a magic wand and change my situation, but there are a few other times when I'd prefer not to be single:

• A couple of months ago "something" happened in a neighboring apartment and several of her roaches found their way into my apartment.  I've always been pleased that my place was not the exaggerated, overdone stereotype of a roach-infested NYC apartment.  But, in a flash, I went from seeing maybe 1-2 roaches a year to 1-2 a day. I was not happy.  And as much smack as I can talk, I can be taken down by an insect because I am terrified of roaches.  I can barely bring myself to squash one so I usually try to drown them...which is stupid because they're not always in the sink.  Pouring water on the floor or trying to throw it on them as they scurry across the wall is, well...   So it would have been really nice to let him take care of them...if there had been a him.

• There was a recent article in the Sunday New York Times (http://nyti.ms/biMM5b) about a single woman who had bedbugs and felt that having a husband would have made this more manageable.  I can relate to that.

• Whenever I need help with electronics I have to borrow Tony, Traci's husband.  I'm afraid she (or he) may get sick of me one day.

• In the wintertime, I don't always want to walk the dog at night in the freezing cold. That's something he could do.

I'm sure there must be other times when being single can suck, but this is all I got right now?  Can you think of any?