I Want You...But Maybe Not All The Time

This is one of my favorite cartoons.  It’s from The New Yorker, one of my favorite magazines.  I have it taped to my refrigerator.   It captures my sentiments exactly.

Guys don’t really like it, though.  My thinking is that when they see it they’ll relax because they know I won’t be trying to rush them into anything that’s more serious than they’re ready for.  Instead, they wonder what’s wrong with me.  Sometimes they take offense because, of course, I should want as much of them as I can get;  they take it as a pre-rejection.


 I just think the caption is funny…and so true…for me.  It reminds me of that joke when a guy tries to enter a store that says it’s “open 24 hours”, but it’s in the process of closing.  He says to the guy locking up, “I thought you were open 24 hours?”  The guys says, “we are…but not in a row”.  I love that.  Same thing, right?


So, am I weird for wanting him, but not wanting him around all the dang time? I (and the cartoonist) cannot be the only ones who feel this way.

Cute Boys. How Young is Too Young?

The other day, I had a conversation with my friend, Stacy, about dating younger guys.  She wanted to know “how young is too young”?  That’s an interesting question.  I think it depends on what you want from it. 

If you just want sex and some momentary fun then I don’t think there is such thing as “too young”.  Okay, I take that back;  I’m not Mary Kay Letourneau and I’m not trying to go to jail.  Re-stated:  if you just want sex and some momentary fun, than I think any age over 18 is fine.  Maybe 21…or whatever the legal age is in your state… just to be safe . 

But it really has to just be sex and some momentary fun and that really should be all you want.  A grown woman cannot have a real relationship with a man half her age…I don’t care what Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife says.  (She, in her 40s, is engaged to a  19-year-old.  Celebrities don’t count, though, because they’re already abnormal). 

My rule, in general, has pretty much been 15 years on either end, i.e., 15 years older than me and 15 years younger, giving me a range of men with an age spread of 30 years. (Lots to pick from).   But you know what:  this rule has changed from time to time because it depends on how old I am.  When I was just a young thing, I sometimes went out with guys much, much older:  me, 26; him 60.  (I know).   I couldn’t have gone 15 years younger because I’d then be writing this from my prison cell. 

Now the reverse is true.  I’m still willing to go 15 years younger, but really only 5-8 years older.  A man who’s more than 10 years older than me is kinda old.   And I don’t apologize for that; guys are very open about preferring someone younger…and so am I!   The guy I see now is 10 years younger than me and that feels about right.

So, back to Stacy’s question.  If you want a serious relationship, really want him to be your man and you’re a woman-of-a-certain age, I think anybody more than 10 years younger than you are could be tricky.  Y’all should at least both remember the original version of the same song; if you remember Diana Ross singing I’m Coming Out, and he only remembers Biggie and Puffy’s version that was sampled in Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems…then I think you could have a problem.  

Here’s some things to think about.  Even though he’s younger, he should be old enough to:

·         Have some of the same cultural reference points without you always having to explain

·         Have worked long enough to have a career, not just a job.  You should not be taking care of his a$$

·         Know that sneakers cannot be his primary footwear

·         Understand that he can only go to the club every now and than…unless he’s a DJ

·         Wear his pants with a belt

·         Not tolerate regular motherly advice from you (“shouldn’t you be wearing a sweater, dear”).  If you’re doing that, stop it and find someone old enough to know if he needs a sweater.

Dating younger men can make you feel young and put a definite bounce in your step (and let’s not forget the s-e-x), but be reasonable.  If you want him to stick around for a long time, choose wisely:  the image of him pushing you in your wheelchair just isn’t attractive.

Did I miss anything?  How do you know if he’s too young?

Our Spinsterlicious Man of the Month: Derek McGinty

eSo what's it like for a guy?  A guy who's never been married...has no kids. Is he Spinsterlicious, too, or is there something wrong with him?  Is he having a different experience than mine?  I wonder.  So I asked somebody and he graciously agreed to be the first Spinsterlicious Man of the Month and Guest Blogger.

Derek McGinty is a Washington, DC newscaster, blogger, funny guy, and my good friend, and here's his Spinsterlicious story in his own words :

So this morning I get a call from my Dad and after the small talk I realize I'm in for more of The Talk.

"So, how are you and Cheryl doing?" he asks. I assure him that my girlfriend of 5 months and I are doing just fine. "We're having a really nice time together."

He begins to push the kid agenda again, and I remind him that I'm 51 and she's a tad older and perhaps he ought to let that go...cause we sure have.

Then its on to 'whose gonna take care of me when I'm old? and when that doesn't get any new answers he wonders aloud when I'm going to 'lock this thing down.' As in get married.

Sigh. Ladies, I'm here to tell you we guys go through it too. My Dad (God love him!) has the same dreams for me that yours has for you--marriage and children. And even though my brother and sister have kicked out a total of 5 grand kids for him, he still worries about his eldest boy. (Me.)

But I don't worry. Not anymore. After years of navel gazing and self recriminations, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a fairly commitment phobic guy and probably won't get married (though ya never know!) and I'm okay with it.

I really wanted to meet all those societal expectations. Or at least I wanted to want to. But at 51 you get to know yourself a bit, or at least you should.

And honestly, I am the luckiest guy in the world. I've got a good gig, a woman who knows all about me and loves me regardless... and I'm still healthy enough to enjoy life.

Kids and family are great things, and in a different world I'm sure I'd be living that life and loving it. But in this world? I'm seriously Spinsterlicious, and feeling damn good about that too.

 

So what do y'all think?  He sounds pretty Spinsterlicious to me.   (Thanks, D!)

A Room of My Own (At the Very Least)

A few years ago, a guy I was dating brought up the subject of marriage.  I kind of had a panic attack which I blamed on feeling like I was catching the flu.  Once I calmed down (and was safely home), I called my friend, Benilde.  As we talked, I tried to envision what it might be like to be married to him and I remember saying to her, “at the very least, we would have to have separate bedrooms” (and I’m thinking to myself “maybe even on separate floors”.)    I would really need to have my own space. Lots of it.


Benilde was very much against that, telling me that sharing a bed was one of the most intimate parts of marriage…not in a sexual way, but in a pillow talk way.  She said “Some of a couple’s most important conversations happen in bed.  You can’t sleep in separate rooms”.  So I thought “Eff it, then”.  That was the only way this was going to happen.   I wasn’t giving it  serious consideration anyway, but that little chat shut it all the way down.


So, guess what.  The other day, I’m watching Oprah and a perfectly lovely couple in their 30s (I’m guessing) announced that they have a happy marriage…and separate bedrooms.  They have hidden this from most people because they didn’t want to be judged. People assume that if a couple is sleeping in separate rooms that there’s no sex and no joy.  For them, it is quite the opposite and they finally wanted to “come out of the closet” about their sleeping arrangements.  They are sure that having separate bedrooms has helped them  maintain a strong marriage.  I totally get that. 


Dr Phil, who was guesting on the show, was squarely in the Benilde camp.  He was sure this was not a  good idea for similar reasons that Benilde was.  Apparently not everybody agrees, though, because 1 in 4 U.S. couples have separate bedrooms.


And dig this:   60% of the new houses that are being built have two master bedrooms.  That means lots of married people are acknowledging (and acting on) what I knew years ago.   Fortunately, it dawned on me rather quickly that separate bedrooms wasn’t really what I have needed…separate houses was more like it.


What do you think of separate bedrooms for a couple?  Help –or- Hurt?

The Spinsterlicious Shoe-of-the-Week

I’m into shoes. (See earlier posting “The Joy of High Heels). I care way more about the shoes I’m wearing than any outfit. In fact, I usually get dressed from the bottom up: what shoes do I want to wear --> what goes with them?

Here’s my Spinsterlicious Shoe-of-the-Week story: I was on a second date with a handsome Italian. It’s almost ridiculous how much he fit the stereotype: dark, handsome, stylishly outfitted in well-fitting Italian designer clothes, and just enough of an accent that everything he said sounded sexy and wonderful.

We met on Match.com and had a nice, but short, first date a few days before. We met for brunch but he was late and I couldn’t linger so we ate quickly and agreed to get together again soon…and we actually did. I was looking forward to it.

He got to the restaurant first, and when I spotted him he was even more handsome than I remembered. He stood to greet me, hugged me, and sniffed my neck just a bit. A very sexy move. We fell into easy conversation and at one point, he asked me what I had done that day. I had been shopping and was wearing the shoes I bought. He said “let me see them”. I lifted my foot a bit; he reached down, slipped his hand in the instep of the shoe and caressed my foot. Aaaah. It was amazing.

And that memory is the reason I chose this shoe as the Spinsterlicious Shoe for this week.

Do you have a Spinsterlicious Shoe story you’d like to share? To be considered for the Spinsterlicious Shoe-of-the-Week, write me at eleanore@thespinsterliciouslife.com with your story and a picture of the shoe.