Asha's Getting Married!

My friend, Asha, got engaged over the New Year's holiday and I'm pretty excited about it.  Not excited in a "Oooh, she got a man and now's gonna have a big ole wedding" kinda of way, but more in a "this is great...a well thought-out, grown-up decision" kind of way.   She might still have a big ole wedding, but not a frivolous one because she's not the frivolous type.   Two weeks after the engagement, she walked past Kleinfeld's bridal shop, saw a dress she loved in the window and bought it!  Just like that.  That's the dress she's getting married in.  I love that.

I also love that Asha's not a kid.  It's been my experience that my friends who married later in life married really well because  it seems each got the man she was supposed to have...not some fantasy she made up in her head.  These later-in-life marriages seem to be truly the “ ‘til death do us part” type, whereas many weddings I’ve attended for those who are younger seem like more of the “let’s cross our fingers” type.

Generally, I think of weddings as mostly boring.  It’s kind of like watching the same play over and over and over, just with different actors.  I go to weddings because I care about at least one of the people getting married, but I’m usually also trying to figure out a way to spend the least amount of time there as is appropriate. 

But it’s a little different when my middle-aged friends get married:  the wedding is still a bit boring, but I’m happier for them.  They had all managed to build pretty nice lives for themselves while single, so they weren’t getting married because they needed help getting set on life’s path.  Their new spouses were chosen for all the ways they could enhance their lives, not because they were needed to help construct the life. 

And that's true for Asha.  She's got a nice life now and I imagine it'll only get better.  There is one little problem though.  When my friends get married, it makes more work for me.  It is good for me to have a multitude of people I enjoy and who I can call on to socialize with in any number of ways, and I’ll soon by minus one.  Once she has a husband, she probably won't have the time nor inclination to come out and play with me in the same way as often as I would like.  If I call her up and say “meet me in an hour for a drink”, the answer is likely to be some version of “no”.  Even worse, I think she may even have the audacity to move to another city with this new husband.  So I'll have to plan our outings with a little more forethought.

Oh, well.  Many thanks to my single friends for remaining in the Sisterhood with me! (You know who you are). I need someone to come out and play with me. 

 
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There is No Debate

What does Charlee-- marketing communications whiz and long-time friend-- think of all this single vs. married talk?  Well...I'll let her tell you:

In Charlee's words:

Ok, I understand it.  I have often indulged in it.  I've probably heard every angle and

argument for both sides of the issue.  So it should be no surprise when I say that I am officially tired of the debate -- "Which is better, being married or single"?

The truth is that there are wonderful things about both...and downright messed up things as well.  Yet, single women want to be married, while married women mourn their days of single freedom.  Married women are accused by singles of being boring, insecure, or lost inside their husbands' or children's lives.   Single women are often characterized as man-stealing, desperate, and unfulfilled by their married counterparts.  So here's my question:  Why must we always pine for "the other side of the fence", or conversely, hate on those who occupy the terrain over there?

I grew up with three sisters, nine aunts, and a bunch of great friends.  Some married, some single.   Some were happy, some not.  I belong to a woman's social organization, am active at my church, and have a young adult daughter whose friends are constantly seeking advice from a "woman of a certain age".  Trust me, the discussion rages across all ages and walks of life --"Which is better..."?

I've spent a lifetime bonding with these various sisterhoods and we've shared (and

continue to share) many stories of love and betrayal.  And throughout these discourses what strikes me most is our honesty and boldness, our ability to make each other laugh when any one feels down, and our unhesitating willingness to impart strength when it is most needed.

If we can do this for each other, why can't we do it for ourselves?  Instead, we spend hours longing for what we don't have.  Hours not necessarily wasted, but perhaps misappropriated.  I say not necessarily waster because through it all, here is what I have come to know.  We each are unique individuals who possess the power to choose what

focus our life energies on.  Instead of bemoaning what could-have-would-have-should-have-didn’t-or-never will-happen, we have the ability to embrace the beauty and wonder of what is. We are who we are, right now. We can thoroughly enjoy this moment, this experience, and this journey.  And we can be at peace with it all—simply by choosing to.  When we truly embrace who we are, there is no debate.

Well, what do you think?  What's the debate really about...that is, if there is a debate!  Is there a debate?

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To Sex -or- Not To Sex?

As I’m writing this, I’m a little amused that my girlfriends and I are still discussing when to have sex with a new guy. But the other night, I had a long conversation with a good friend who was near tears because the man she slept with a couple of weeks ago has not called since. Yep, at this age we’re still having this conversation.

I have this conversation quite a bit and for some reason, I’m usually the one giving the advice. I say “for some reason,” but I actually know the reason: I’ve been single all my life, am good at dating, and I feel like I’ve got this aspect of dating all figured out. There are other parts of dating life that I don’t always get—like the way men want you to need them but don’t want you to be needy—but this one I do. So I’m going to take this opportunity to share with the many single women out there what I know about how to make the decision to roll around naked with the New Guy for the first time.

That’s right. A decision tree, for this not-usually-rational decision. When you have to make an important decision at work, you generally think about it ahead of time and seriously weigh the different outcomes. You don’t decide at the last minute. This decision should be no different.

Here’s a scenario. You’re at a bar/party/conference/car wash/restaurant…wherever. You and “Scott” strike up a conversation and seem to hit it off. There’s lots of laughing, flirting, and witty conversation. At some point it becomes clear to both of you that you may want to dial things up a bit, either right now or very soon.

The “sex too soon” thing is something that only women grapple with. I’ve never heard a guy wonder how “when to have sex” will impact the relationship-that-is-yet-to-be. But the world’s not fair—we already know that. Follow my advice, though, and it should help you avoid getting your feelings hurt.

The thought process is not a straight line, though. It’s more of a schematic. So pay attention, and be honest with yourself.

The first thing to ask yourself is: “What do I want from this guy?” (Caution: if you’re feeling really lonely, you probably should skip this exercise completely. Sex-because-you’re-lonely will probably make you feel even lonelier afterwards).

Once you decide what you want, you can decide your next course of action. 

This is by no means foolproof. But I think it’s a pretty reasonable facsimile of the way things shake out much of the time. Go ahead and do your thing . . . and let me know if it works for you.

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This and other fun posts are also available at  Women's Voices for Change

NOTE:  If you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe in the box on the right -or- if you have a Google Account, you can click on "Follow Me" also on the right, near the bottom.   You'll receive an email each time there's an update to the blog.  Don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!