Amiably "Surviving" Singledom

I think most people by now are aware of recent figures published by the U.S. Census and the Pew Institute about the growing number of singles in the U.S., so I won't belabor that point. Being single is "hot." Yet, when I hear a woman complain that she's miserable being single, I wonder what's really bugging her. Oh sure, like marriage, being single can be a challenge sometimes, but is it miserable? If everything else in your life is pretty good, I can't see how being single could be anything more than an occasional frustration.

Here's what I honestly believe: The woman who is miserable single will probably be pretty unhappy being married, too. To be miserable, there are likely other issues she's grappling with and it's just easier to blame her state on being single than it is to do the work she would need to do to get at the real problem.

But, ok, let's play along and pretend it really is the single thing that's got her so unhappy. Basically, if you have a sufficient number of robust relationships with others -- family, dear friends, friendly acquaintances -- being single can work out quite well. If you don't, being single can be lonely. Here's a few thoughts that should elevate a miserable single state to one that's a lot more livable:

Be Likeable. Being around people you enjoy and who enjoy you feels good. People should look forward to spending time with you. I know that one of the reasons I like my single status is because I have a great social life. I'm rarely lonely. I have an array of good friends and acquaintances and can usually find something to do and someone to do it with when I want. My married friends are as likely to include me as my single friends are because they like me and enjoy my company. I'm no Pollyanna or Suzy Sunshine; everybody doesn't like me, but enough people do, and that's all I need. That's all anybody needs.

Be Interesting. Contribute to the group. Don't be a drag to be around. And don't rely on others to entertain you. Everybody likes people who are smart, curious and have educated opinions -- emphasis on educated. Be quiet if you don't know what you're talking about. Interesting people are attractive people.

Be Yourself. Being comfortable with oneself is appealing to others. The first step to being yourself is knowing who you really are. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. People can sense when you're acting, even if they can't quite put their finger on it. It's not appealing. The real goal here is being comfortable in your own skin and being comfortable with others seeing you this way. No games... even if that's not your intention.

Be a Doer. As in, not a complainer. If you're miserable as a single person, there's probably something else in your life that you're not happy about as well. Figure out what it is and fix it.

I am confident that these strategies will help ease the misery. Actually, this is good advice for everybody, isn't it... not just single folks. Happy living!

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Ignorant About the Ways of Marriage

Being a single, never-married babe, I admit that there are many things about marriage that I just don't know or understand. Like how I could have been expected to pick one guy, one, and stay with him for the rest of my life. And this one: why married women stay with their cheating husbands who, by the way, vowed not to do that.

Whenever there's a public scandal about cheating husbands, I always wait for the news that the wife has left. Usually she doesn't, though. Elin Nordegren-Woods and Jenny Sanford are my heroes. They packed up their sh** and got the heck out of Dodge when Tiger and Mark behaved badly. I know better than to make a declaration about what I'd do in a situation I've never been in but, I swear, I believe I would leave if my (non-existent) husband cheated on me more than once. Maybe even if just once.

But lots of married women don't leave. And I don't get it. Which brings me to today's blog post.  Recently, I briefly dated a newly-divorced guy who puzzles me. In two ways. And our conversations are what remind me of how ignorant I am about the ways of marriage. He told me two things that completely confused me:

1. That he stayed married for 38 years to a woman he never loved.  
2. So he cheated in order to feel what he needed to feel (presumably romantic love and I don't know what else.) 

I have multi-layered befuddlement at these two statements. Why was he married to a woman he didn't love?  (They have no kids, so there goes that explanation).  Why did he stay so long? Why was cheating a better option than leaving?

And this is where the conversation became even more interesting. He married a woman he didn't love because his "parents made him."  He stayed so long because it "would be wrong to leave."  He cheated because he needed to fill in the gaps of what he wanted but wasn't getting from his marriage...but leaving would be more wrong. This last line feels upside-down to me.  I think cheating is more disrespectful and the honorable thing to do is to leave. He thinks the exact opposite.

And I wondered what his wife thought. Apparently she was more upset that he (finally) left her than she was at his cheating.  There I go again being all confused.

I'm always disappointed in women who stay with cheating hubbies. Of course, it's really none of my business...but that doesn't stop me from having an opinion.

So I had this conversation with a few others --all married-- to hear their opinions and  there was no consensus about whether women, in general, should leave or stay in such situations. So then I started to wonder, what is it about the woman who tolerates cheating?  What does she know that I don't?

Just curious.  Anybody want to help enlighten me?



NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.


 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

A Spinsterlicious Summer

I love warm weather.  I feel like I really come alive once I don't to put on a coat over a sweater over a thermal undershirt.  In the winter, it takes a lot to get me out of the house.  In the summer, I want to go everywhere.  This summer, I'm really looking forward to a few things:

• This weekend, a dear friend is visiting from L.A. and a group of us will have dinner on the rooftop deck of her apartment building.  I love eating outdoors.  Everything tastes better.  It can't help but be fun.

• On Tuesday, I'm hosting a book signing during a wine-tasting at Harlem Vintage, a premier wine shop in New York City. Jai Jai Greenfield, the owner, is excellent at choosing great wines and I'm looking forward to sampling some new varietals to help me get my summer drink on!  (If you're near NYC and want to join us, please do.  Click here for details).

• I'll be in Washington, DC for the Independence Day holiday.  I grew up in Washington, left it for the Big Apple in 1981, but go back regularly to visit my family and friends.  I always look forward to my visits there, and especially for the July 4th holiday.  The city has a spectacular fireworks display at the Washington Monument and I've been going there since I was a kid.  I always enjoy it just like it's the first time.

• I'm really  looking forward to my annual pilgrimage to Martha's Vineyard in August.  A group of 4-5 Spinsterlicious ladies go every year for a week of sun, laughs, beach, bike-riding, cocktails, bbqs and just lazy days.  Can't wait. 

• I also love  Summerstage, which is a series of free or low-cost concerts and plays in NYC's beautiful parks.  Gotta get there early, though. They're seriously popular.

So, what are you looking forward to this summer?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Paraphrasing Lionel Richie: Once, Twice, Three Times A …Bride?!

A couple of months ago I went to the wedding of a close friend.  It was a small-ish affair and quite lovely.  We were blessed with beautiful weather, the vibe amongst the guests was friendly, the food was bountiful, and the music was good.  The pre-wedding reception was pleasant. Still, I felt a little weird.  At first, I couldn't quite put my finger on where this feeling was coming from, but it became clear to me during the ceremony when they recited their vows.

I watched them gaze lovingly into each others eyes promising to "love, cherish…til death us do part."  Aha! Here's where that weird feeling I was having came from.  This is her third wedding, the third time she's made this promise.

No judgement here, but I couldn't help but wonder if she felt weird, too.  As she recited these vows, I wondered if she had flashbacks to the first time, the second time she made this same promise.  I felt a little sad and hopeful at the same time.

I wondered if she felt, "Gosh. I've failed at this before…" -or- was it more like "Look, if at first you don't succeed..."  I hope it was the second one because it feels more upbeat, maybe with even a little humor mixed in.

Clearly she believes in marriage and, God bless her, I hope this one goes the way it's supposed to this time.

I'm sure it's not just me.  Have you experienced similar feelings at a "remarriage?"



NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.


 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

I'm Getting Older. Should I Be Worried?

Lately, I seem to be inundated with articles about how hard and sad and pathetic my “golden years” are going to be. As a single woman with no kids (a spinster), I, apparently, am due for a pretty bleak existence as I get older.  According to these articles, I’m going to be lonely and broke, and in poor physical and psychological shape. I keep seeing these reports, but I never feel as if they’re talking about me. I’m not in denial . . . maybe I’m just optimistic. Or even a bit skeptical. Who are these people they’re talking about?

Lonelier, Poorer: The Outlook for Some Aging Baby Boomers Is Bleak is the title of one of these articles; it ran in The Atlantic recently. It says that many never-married boomers don’t have much of a support net, we’re more likely to be impoverished, more likely to be disabled, and less likely to have health insurance. Goodness. This is almost enough of a reason to make me run out and marry the first guy who’ll have me.

It has always been true that a segment of our population will struggle in old age, for all the reasons mentioned above, but I can’t help but wonder if this recent bunch of “bad news” articles is a backlash to all the “single is good” talk that’s bouncing around the media—my book, The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Child-free, and Eric Klinenberg’s Going Solo, to name two.

Though all these “poor single baby boomers” articles should worry me, they don’t. Having kids or a husband is no guarantee of a graceful decline. Of course, when it works the way it’s supposed to, I know that having kids and a husband is a lovely way to spend one’s later years. Yet having a husband is no sure safeguard against a lonely, destitute old age. He might die before you do, or be infirm at the same time, or have split long before you reach the twilight of your life.

Kids are no guarantee, either. They may not have the wherewithal—or the will—to care for you and their own families. At the risk of saying the morbid, sometimes kids die first, or maybe they and you might be unlucky enough to have a poor relationship and they wouldn’t come around. I wish it would never turn out like that, but sometimes it does. I have single friends who worry that they’ll break a hip and be stuck somewhere, alone, but I don’t really think about stuff like that. I’m hoping to just drop dead one day.

So, despite not having a husband or kids, I’m planning (well, actually hoping) to have a good old age. I’m making regular contributions to an IRA. I have disability and long-term-care insurance. I own my home. I eat right and, so far, I’m in good health. I’m relatively likeable, and so I’m crossing my fingers that my friends and family will enjoy spending time with me when I’m old, and will even step in to take care of me if/when that time comes. These are the things I hope my married-with-children friends are doing, too.

So . . . I’m not going to get myself into a tizzy worrying about how horrible life will be when I’m old, just because I’m single. I appreciate the warning, but I have a life to live. Whatever happens, happens.

I know that a  lot of single women are worried about what will happen to them when they're old.  Do you?   

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

How Many Ways to Be Single? (A Guest Post)

Lately, my dear friend, Debra, has been thinking a lot about the many single women she knows, the ways they are single (e.g., never married, divorced, single moms) and what it all means.   Here, let her tell you...

In her own words:


Last week two very similar things happened virtually simultaneously. While talking on the phone to a woman who was recently singled-by-divorce, I was reading Eleanore’s Facebook post. Yes, that’s right, the Eleanore, queen of I’ve-got-this-single-thing-on-a-leash. Her post referenced spending time and chumming it up with two distinct groups of her friends: happily married women and [by inference] very-comfortable-in-my-skin single women. 


Based on the painful conversation I was having, I was struck by the notion that there are many states of singlehood. As a never-been-married, single parent of an adult daughter, I embrace my life as my life. Yes, over the years I have pondered the reality of why my road forked onto the path of perpetual singleness. Yes, over the years I have, and occasionally still do, long for that ever-evolving storybook marriage. 


However, the truth is most marriages that I have witnessed, well, let’s just say they have left me far less interested in a marriage than a very healthy relationship. Yes, I do on occasion happen upon one of those magical marriages that give true substance and validation to: “happily ever after”. Given an option, yes, I would take such a marriage. At any rate, I said all of that to say that I fall into the category of Eleanore’s very-comfortable-in-my-skin single friends. 


Interestingly, the general twist with being a long-term single woman is often less than flattering. That is most unfortunate, as it negates substantive reality. Run the numbers, i.e., how many happy, healthy marriages does one personally encounter in life? (And for those marriages, I simply desire to grab popcorn and something to drink while gazing with stars in my eyes and heart at a man being a man/gentleman and a woman being a woman/lady unto each other. Humph, that just lights up my heart. It is akin to living art, a masterpiece. It is spiritually enriching. It boasts of beauty without even trying. I become in love with love. 


Just thinking about it reminds me of an inquiry from friend a number of years ago. We were at a concert sitting next to a couple who were so loving and comfortable with their love for each other that they enfolded us into their evening with an incredible lovingkindness that left my friend asking: “Debbie, is it possible to be in love with a couple?”  If so, then we were ready to commit that relationship. In reality, it simply spoke to the loving relationship that we would gladly have welcomed into our own lives.  


Okay, that’s enough about me, as mine is the common vanilla single lifestyle: life is what is and mine is to play the hand I have by valuing the trump cards I possess. Ironically, this is the general posture of single women who wake up every day walking it out in flats or stilettos. What I have come to realize is that this group of single women, unknowingly, model being single to a group of women who are literally locked in a prison of time and space that was intended to be a loving marriage. Looking through the bars of their lives, they see women (married and single) going about their business making things happen, being happy, being fulfilled and fulfilling others. 

This is where my phone call with the singled-by-divorce woman and Eleanore’s prepping for fun with friends weekend come into play. The woman on the other end of the phone gave me an immediate realization that healthy singlehood is a process. Transitioning from being in a “prisonous” marriage into an emotionally healthy single person takes time, support, growth, and yes, some spiritual maturity. After all, it is not possible for one to be the same woman pre-marriage as post-marriage. It will take time to get to “know” oneself unto oneself, and others per this newly evolving self. 


My conversations with the recently singled-by-divorce woman are always awkward for me. Her frame of reference to relationships is unmoored to anything beyond her seeming random imaginings of singlehood. I listen with the challenging awareness being singled-by-divorce is just one step. There are so, so many more along the road to getting to know oneself anew so that one can learn to love oneself.  Being Single 101.


So...do you think the way you became single impacts the way you experience single-dom?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!