He's My Dog (Pet)...Not My Dawg (Human Substitute). (An Oldie-but-Goodie)

Q: When is a pet just a pet?

A: When it lives in the home of a “traditional” family: husband, wife, 2+ adorable kids.  It’s part of Americana.

In a different scenario, though --one that doesn't include, at least a married couple-- Cute Pet is a substitute for something important. If you’re a single woman, especially of-a-certain-age, and you have a dog or cat . . . well, suddenly everybody’s a psychologist and they’ve determined that you’re trying to fix something.

At the launch party for my new book, The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree (shameless plug), someone asked me why I hadn't brought my "husband"...referring to my dog, Danny.  I smiled a weary smile and said "I left my dog at home."   I love my dog dearly, but I'm not confused: he's not my husband, he's not my kid...and he's not a substitute for either of those things.  It seems that I'll never get away from this tiresome stereotype.

One day I was on the phone with my married-with-children friend, B, and I realized that she's not listening to me;  she's talking to someone else in the room.  Actually, she's talking to her dog, Charlie, who is kind of adorable...and she's cooing at him and using baby talk.  Hearing her do that was pretty cute, but I also realized that if I did that people would find it sad.

Science, literature, news reports, and popular magazines are rife with stories on the benefits of pet ownership.  Pets are good for you; they’re good for your mental health, your emotional health, your physical health.  They boost your self esteem. Yep.  And if it’s a dog (I’m a little biased in that direction), they’re just a joy to have around.  If you search “benefits of pet ownership” online, you’ll get 929,000 hits on Google alone. That’s right—almost 1 million opportunities to learn what’s great about having a pet and why so many people love them.

It should be all good then, right? Yet I, a single woman, am sometimes amused—but mostly befuddled—at how many people comment that my dog is taking the place of the husband I don’t have, the child I don’t have, or both.

I live with a 12-year-old Yorkie, who I believe is the cutest dog in the world. He’s delightful. But for a reason I don’t understand, folks like to elevate him from his pet status to a fill-in for some dark hole in my life.  A dark hole that doesn’t exist, by the way.  It seems it’s not possible that I love having a dog for the same reason everybody else does: he’s cute, fun, cuddly, good company, a loyal companion, and he knows the real meaning of uncompromised love. That’s what people with families love about their dogs, too.

I know lots of married people with children for whom the dog is a serious, solid, main companion to one of the adults in the house. They usually say the dog is “for the kids,” but in actuality, Fido really belongs to mommy or daddy.  And there’s nothing wrong with that. But no one ever asks if mom/dad is hanging out with the dog because their spouse ignores them, or if it’s a fill-in for the poor relationship they have with their kids, or because they’re lonely in a house full of people. Nope, it’s just a pet.

Married? The dog’s just part of the family.  Single? The dog’s replacing what you’re missing in your pathethic little life.  That’s b.s., ok?  Stop it.

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” 

—Anatole France

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

Making Adventure Part of Your Routine

I think it's important --from time to time-- to do something outside your normal routine, out-of-the-ordinary, something a little adventurous.  Here's a story about one of my favorite adventures: 

Excerpted from The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree.  Copyright 2011.  All rights reserved.

Lesson 2: Indulge yourself! Romance. Sex. Adventure.

I like being a woman, and I like being with a man: being courted, flirting, holding hands, laughing over silly double entendres. Something may or may not come of it, and that’s okay. I like indulging that part of myself. Having sex is important, too. It doesn’t always have to be love; it’s fine that sometimes it’s closer to “I think I kinda love you right now”. Under the right conditions, sex is really good for you, good for your body, good for your soul. 

And God bless Dr. Mehmet Oz who actively promotes sex for its medical benefits (which gives us another reason to do “it”). He says that people who have active sex lives have better cardio health, sleep better and live longer. Honest. He says this a lot. 

It should be sex-among-equals, though. Meaning: not somebody’s husband, and not somebody with whom you really want more, but can’t get it. If he’s not your significant other, you should both be clear what the deal is. That way, nobody gets hurt and everybody has fun. 

The adventure part is just about pushing the envelope a bit. Dating should be fun... and occasionally doing something out-of-the-ordinary is particularly enjoyable. Dial it up just a little bit. You’ll look back at it and smile for years to come. I promise.

***

The story behind the lesson:

At 26, I moved from Washington, DC to New York and was just delighted to be here.  I didn’t know many people, so each weekend I’d eagerly set out on my own to discover something new. Looking back, I’m reminded of the line in Stevie Wonder’s song, “Living For The City”: “Wow. New York City. Skyscrapers and everything!” It was all so exciting. One weekend, I found myself in Greenwich Village.  I walked around Christopher Street, then turned onto West 4th Street and that’s where one of my favorite adventures began.

A guy approached me. He said he’d been watching me from his friend’s window and liked what he saw, so he decided to come down. He was low-key and non-threatening, but hearing that I was being watched from a window spooked me a little bit. He introduced himself, giving the name of a well-known, A-list actor. I didn’t believe him, of course. He did look a lot like him, though. I became a little confused...then my guard went way up. The monologue in my head was: “This guy can probably tell I’m a bit of a hick from out-of-town, and he thinks I’m gullible. He knows he looks like Mr. Famous Actor and thinks I’m stupid enough to believe that he is”. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t about to be duped. He pulled out his Screen Actors Guild card to prove that he was who he said he was. The card had the name of Mr. Famous Actor. But I still didn’t believe him. It’s not hard to get a fake i.d.; how hard could it be to get a fake SAG card? 

By this point, I was getting a little uncomfortable because this guy had put a little too much effort into impersonating this actor, so I went inside a Gristedes grocery store to ask a manager or someone to get this nut away from me. He followed me in- side. Then the manager came over and excitedly shook his hand. And the customers in the store smiled and pointed. Oh! I quickly realized that this guy was who he said he was! Wow. Ok. So I gave him my telephone number. He wrote it on a $20 bill because neither of us had any paper. I was excited.

I went home grinning, hardly believing what just happened, and thinking: is this what living in New York is like?!I do belong here! 

He called me that night and we made plans to get together the next day. I tried on a dozen outfits trying to find just the right one. I wanted it to look just right: cute and pulled to- gether, but not like I was trying too hard. I didn’t want it to be too dressy because that would be corny. 

I could barely concentrate at work that day, but I didn’t dare tell anyone what I was doing that evening. They might think that the new girl was a kook. I left work and hopped in a cab. I showed up at his apartment building and I was a little embarrassed because I was wondering if the lobby manager thought I was a hooker; he looked at me with what I thought was a bit of a smirk. Anyway, he buzzed me up, I got in the elevator, and Mr. Famous Actor opened the door before I could knock. He made a clumsy move that started out like a hug but ended up being more of a pat on my shoulder.

 We grabbed a bite to eat in the restaurant downstairs and I proceeded to have the most boring date of my entire life! In fact, it was dread-ful. I was still a little nervous, and he was practically mute –not exactly the formula for a stimulating evening. What I know now is that this Actor is well-known for not being much of a talker, often giving interviewers shrugs and one- word answers to their questions. But I didn’t know that then. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew what we were doing wasn’t working. We finished eating, and I made up an excuse to leave. I couldn’t tell if he cared or not. I was so confused. Here I was brand-new to New York City, out with Mr. Famous Actor, which should be the most exciting thing I’ve done and yet ...nothing.

When I got home, I felt a little more clear-headed. I decided I could have handled the situation more cleverly, so I called him, and was pleased that I didn’t really have to say much. We made plans to get together the next afternoon. I took the day off. I wanted this time to go better, and I didn’t need the distraction of work. So I went there with high hopes and when I arrived, we hugged at the door. Inside, we made more awkward attempts at conversation (this guy was giving me one-word answers), while I was trying to decide where to sit. There weren’t a lot of choices. Most of the chairs had piles of stuff, lots of paper and boxes, so the bed would actually be easiest, but that would be too obvious. As I was standing and wondering if he’d clear off a chair for me, he kissed me. It was nice; now we’re getting somewhere. And, of course, we continued –all the way, as they used to say. Wow! 

We took a quick nap after and watched some TV...and made much better small talk this time, for some reason that I don’t know. Later, while I was showering, I thought, “I can’t believe I’m in Mr. Famous Actor’s shower...touching all his soap, using his deodorant, drying off with his towels”. This was a long way from Nicholson Street, where I grew up. I liked the way he watched me while I got dressed, though he didn’t say much, except that he was leaving town later that week for a movie he was shooting. “Okay,” I said. “I’ll see you when you get back”. I didn’t, though, unless on the Big Screen counts. That ended my first NYC adventure.

What about you?  Any adventures you want to share with us?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

Why, Oh Why, Didn't I Have Kids?

Why don't I have kids?  Because I never really wanted 'em.  They're not for everybody, something I tried to explain to a woman I met recently.  She looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language that she didn't understand.  And I guess I kind of was, because she has four kids and couldn't seem to shut up about them.  And, actually, she was more than just "a woman", she was a new client so I felt it important that I be clear but oh so polite in my explanation because  I would like her to hire me again…even though she probably thinks of me as "that strange woman with no kids." 

So on my walk home from the meeting, I started to think about what difference it makes in my life that I have given birth to no one.  A few things occurred to me but first, I need to caution that most of my friends have children and I love their children.  I have to say this because people with kids are so dang touchy about anything you say that sounds like "your kids aren't fabulous all of the time." 

Anyway, here's what not having kids has meant to my life:

• I've had to learn to hold a conversation that isn't dominated by what my kids are or aren't doing, seeing, wearing or thinking.  Many people use "my kids" as a default topic because it's so easy, but I want them to stop taking the easy route and figure out something else to talk about.

• I've learned to smile and act interested when they go on for much too long about their kids.  I'm pretty good at it.  Most people have no idea that I'm rolling my eyes in my mind. 

• Here's something no one has been able to explain to me satisfactorily.  I have to tread especially lightly on this one because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  And I'm not trying to; I'm not being sarcastic or flippant, I really don't understand this one:  every year at Christmas, I receive lots of cards with photos of someone's kids.  Not the whole family, just the kids.  Where are the parents?  Why aren't they in the photograph?  What is the thinking that I would want pictures of the kids without the parents…when it's the parents who are my friends?  And the following year,  I pull the cards from a drawer and find myself wondering "whose kids are these?"  This thing of let's-send-out-cards-of-only-some-of-the-people-in-our-family is a little bizarre to me.

• People sometimes ask me "who will take care of you when you're old?"  I don't know the answer to that…but I do know that nursing homes are filled with mothers and fathers who aren't being visited by their kids.  Having children is no guarantee of anything.

• Smart-mouthed teenagers.  Do I really have to go into this one…except to say I'm really glad there aren't any living in my house.

The cutest baby in the world lives down the hall from me.  She is a real delight and I love watching her smile, laugh, learn new things, grow up…and then I give her back to her parents.  Just as it should be.

NOTE: My new book --The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

My Favorite Life Lessons

This blog post is all about adages, axioms, mottos, life lessons --some are cliched,  all are true. 

There's an old expression that "youth is wasted on the young." I heard it all my life and never quite got it.  I just thought those who said it --who were always older than I was-- were just annoyed that they were older than whoever it was they were thinking of when they made the comment. Now I know better. That expression has nothing to do with being annoyed at someone younger than you are, it's all about having learned that we don't really really know what life is all about until we've lived awhile.  In other words, "if we knew then what we know now" we might have done some things a little differently, made some different decisions, chose a different path, told somebody to "eff off" and then walked away and meant it. 

Another adage that I've lived enough to learn that it's true is "you teach people how to treat you." I love this one because it's dead on...and just common sense.  People will only repeatedly do to you what you let them get away with. 

I love these kinds of maxims. They just sort of sum up what you need to know in a simple and clear way.

A few weeks ago, a reader of this blog --Robbie-- said a favorite saying of hers is "don't do anything to get a man that you're not willing to do to keep him."  Excellent advice.   And I think it extends beyond a man. It's true for any relationship, including at work. 

My book, The Spinsterlicious Life:20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree, is kinda based on these kinds of common sense rules that maybe sometimes are common sense only in retrospect. They're not as catchy as some I just mentioned, but they still remind me of what I'm supposed to do. 

These are my life lessons from the book (each appended with a story on how I got there):

• Lesson 1 - Marriage. Kids. They're not for everybody.

• Lesson 2- Indulge yourself with romance, sex, adventure.

• Lesson 3- If your ex was a jackass the first time around, he probably still is.

• Lesson 4- If you don't get married, who's gonna fix that? (meaning even independent women need help sometime)

• Lesson 5- If your husband doesn't like you, he might kill you.

• Lesson 6- Know who you really are, not who you wish you were.

• Lesson 7-  Laugh at the inanity of it all.

• Lesson 8- Be nice to old people.

• Lesson 9- Use birth control.

• Lesson 10- Don't be shallow.

• Lesson 11- Be patient with women who mostly only talk about their kids. (A mouthful, I know, but an important one).
• Lesson 12- Pregnancy has it's benefits. As a spinster, you'll miss out on them. (Basically, life has trade offs).

• Lesson 13- Let labels roll off your back. Don't let others define you.

• Lesson 14- When your friend marries, you're not losing a girlfriend, you're gaining a boy friend.

• Lesson 15- Go to therapy if you're crazy.

• Lesson 16- You can't force chemistry.

• Lesson 17- If you have to think about it, you don't really want a baby.

• Lesson 18- Accept help when it's offered.

• Lesson 19- Wear high heels.

• Lesson 20- Being single and childfree is good.

Each one of these lessons has helped me retain some semblance of sanity.  

I'm going to run a few excerpts from my book over the next couple of weeks, and wonder which of the above life lessons would you like to see first?  Please pick two.  Of course, that's assuming you want to see any. 

And what can you add to the list?  What adages/sayings have you found to be helpful in your life?

NOTE: My new book --The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

Ten Reasons Why I Love Lucy

It's Women's History Month and so to celebrate, I'm paying homage to a woman I admire.

Lucille Ball was my favorite comedienne before I really even understood what a comedienne was. What I knew was that she was the pretty, funny lady who brought joy and laughter to my entire family every day. The I Love Lucy show was “appointment television” in my home long before that phrase was coined. Watching her as an adult, I have a new appreciation for how skilled she was at her craft. So, in honor of Women’s History Month, I’m choosing Lucille Ball as a woman to salute. Here’s why I like her:

·      Reason No. 10: She said, “Ability is of little account without opportunity.” And when the studios wouldn’t let her do her television show the way she wanted to, she created her own studio. Ball was the first woman to run a major television production studio, Desilu Productions.

·      Reason No. 9: She married what was considered then to be a younger man, long before it was in vogue. (She was six years older than Desi Arnaz.)

·      Reason No. 8: She finally tired of the cheating ways of her handsome hubby of 20 years, and left him.  Her subsequent marriage to Gary Morton was reportedly a union of equals (though Desi supposedly remained “the love of her life.”)

•   Reason No. 7:  Lucy reputedly required that her co-star Vivian Vance (who played Ethel Mertz) always be 20 pounds heavier than she was. It’s unclear whether this a written contract or more of a verbal agreement, but it is clear that Lucy understood her role as the star. This request/requirement may seem petty, but Lucy understood her brand and wasn’t going to allow any blurring of the lines.

• ·  Reason No. 6: She led by example with a number of “first woman” accomplishments (owning a production studio, in 1968 was the richest woman in television of her time, being part of the first interracial couple on TV.  When she wasn’t being treated the way she felt she deserved to be, she took things into her own hands. And yet she claimed not to be a fan of women’s lib:  “Women's lib? It doesn't interest me one bit. I've been so liberated it hurts.” She was complicated. When I saw this quote from her, it reminded me of a line from Jay-Z’s very insightful book, Decoded:  “The real b.s. is when people act like they don’t have contradictions inside; they’re so dull and unimaginative that their minds never change or wander into strange, unexpected places.” Genius is complicated.

• ·      Reason No. 5: In a world–and industry—where blond hair was worshiped, she dyed hers red.  Standing out was better than fitting in.

·      Reason No. 4: I like her because sometimes her real life was like an I Love Lucy episode.  When she was a young woman she was fired from working at an ice cream store because she kept forgetting to put bananas in banana splits.

·      Reason No. 3: Like many über-talented people, she was a little nutty. Well, perhaps I should say eccentric.  Anyway, she wouldn’t allow any pictures of birds in her house or any hotel room she was staying in.

• ·      Reason No. 2: She worked steadily in Hollywood for 50 years. Not a lot of women can say that. Men, either, for that matter.

• ·      Reason No. 1:  I Love Lucy reruns still crack me up.

Here’s to you, you gorgeous redhead!

NOTE: My new book --The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

Spinsterlicious, The Book! What's a Single Woman To Do?

I'm very excited to announce that my book --The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- is now available on Amazon!

To give you a little taste of what it's like, here's the first chapter, The Introduction:

So here's the deal.

I am a bit of a serial dater, so over the years many friends have encouraged me to chronicle some of my adventures in dating –-even though most of my relationships have been normal and uneventful.  Since those don’t make interesting stories, I don’t really talk about them. The best stories come from the more unconventional relationships and I have quite a few of those because I like playing there.  

My adventures in dating didn’t jumpstart my writing about my life, rather it was an encounter I had with a woman I hadn’t seen in a few years.   We bumped into each other at a party and before I could answer “How are you doing?”, she asked “Are you married, yet?”  A lot of people ask me that and I always feel I have to have a quip ready: one that seems lighthearted but hopefully also conveys that I think it’s a bizarre question.  I don’t mind being asked if I’m married, but the yet implies that getting married is something I must do.  But I never really thought so.  

Marriage was never in my plans and I’ve always thought that was fine.  Not everybody agrees, though.  When I’m talking to people –-usually women—and they learn I’ve never been married, some of them look at me with pity.  Others look blank, like they’re trying to hide their real reaction.  Still others look smug, which is particularly funny since many of them don’t know where their husbands are half the time, they can barely tolerate being in the same room as their spouse, or they haven’t had sex with each other in an eternity.  A woman in a genuinely happy marriage is rarely smug.  She knows that marriage has its ups-and-downs, that it can be a lot of work, and that she is fortunate that she and her husband have figured it out.  The genuinely happily married wife is not smug because she is smarter than that.  The smug ones are often working hard to keep a “secret”: they’re  not that happy.

Other women are supportive and encouraging:  “Don’t worry. He’s out there.  You just have to keep looking.”   Sometimes I just smile.  When I tell them that I never really wanted a husband, the conversation can get awkward.  They may be confused, which is understandable, since most people do want to get married.  Some become defensive, though, and those are the ones who amuse me the most.  It’s as if they think that my decision somehow reflects negatively on them and the choice they made.  It doesn’t.  So I wrote my first essay about my choice not to be a wife or mother.  The dating stories came later.

My choosing not to have kids can also slow down a conversation, and gets a similar reaction: most people want children so there’s obviously something wrong with the woman who doesn’t.  But is there?

Here’s a story I love.  One day, AJ, the son of my friend Lorraine, asked his parents “Is Auntie Eleanore a grown-up?”  What I heard was “She’s so youthful, she couldn’t be as old as you two are!”   But what he meant was something different:  “…because she doesn’t have a husband or any children”.   Even at four years old, he understood that I hadn’t done what I was supposed to do.  (Sigh).

Fast forward a few years.  The New York Times¹ recently ran an article that talked about the five traditional milestones for adulthood: completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying, and having a child!  What!?  This means I’m stuck at stage three.  Clearly, AJ isn’t the only one who doesn’t think I’m a grown-up.  

It could be worse. I came across a New York Times article from 1918 called “The Third Sex”² that questions whether women who “lack home impulses”  (meaning women like me) are real women.  So women have come a long way …I think. 

Anyway, even though I haven’t done what I’m supposed to do (marry, give birth), I’m quite pleased with the way my life has turned out.  The growing number of women in the United States who don’t have a husband or a child made me decide to share why this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  In fact, it can be quite good. 

_______________

 1 Robin Marantz Henig, “What Is It about Twenty-Something,” New York Times Magazine, August 22, 2010. 

² William G. Gregg, “The Third Sex,” New York Times, September 15, 1918.

So...that's how this whole book-thing got started.  Of course, I want to know what you think.  And, of course, I'd love for you to make your way over to Amazon to pick up a copy...if you're interested.





NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop.  Lots of goodies there.  They make a statement... and a great gift! 


 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

The New Single Girl?

Minted is a new online magazine that empowers women in their careers and lives.

They're running an article in the Spring issue on The New Single Girl featuring ME!  (Click here, to read it; you'll have to scroll over to page 58).

After reading it, I'd love to hear your thoughts.  Please come back to The Spinsterlicious Life and let us know what you think.



NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop. They make a statement... and a great gift! 


 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

The High Status of Being a Divorcee

Many years ago I worked with a woman who was a Spinster.  She seemed to have quite an interesting life, with lots of romances and the jewelry to prove it.  I wouldn't have done it quite the way she did because in most cases she was an "important" man's mistress and that's not my thing.  Still, she had lots of great stories and it seemed to work for her.  

Or at least I thought it did.  One day while listening to one of her many stories, she gave me a bit of advice that I found startling.  She told me that I should "just find someone...anyone, and marry him".  It didn't really matter if I loved him or even stayed with him for very long.  In fact, staying was beside the point.  In her view, being divorced gives a woman a higher status in society than never having been married.

In her immortal words:  It's better to be a has-been than a never-was!  I love this line.  And while I don't agree with it, I think most people probably do.  I know divorced women who hasten to correct anyone who describes them as single.  For them, it's really important for people to know that they were once married...that someone wanted them, at least once.  


I recall having been at a dinner party with some people I hadn't seen in years.  It was surprising, then amusing, to me that my never-been-married "plight" was quite the topic of conversation, but not that of the "three-time divorcee" who sat next to me.  She was congratulated for knowing how to get a man...even though she couldn't keep one.  What seemed bizarre to me (that is, being married and divorced three times) seemed perfectly acceptable, normal even, to everybody else.


What do y'all think?  Is is better to be a has-been than a never-was?  




NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop. They make a statement... and a great gift! 




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The Best Relationship Advice I Ever Got

Actually, this story I'm about to tell is probably not about the best relationship advice I've ever gotten, but it is certainly about my favorite relationship advice.  It still makes me smile.

Several years ago, a guy I was dating decided to break up with me two days before a big party he was throwing.  I had been looking forward to this party for weeks because it would be big and fancy and fun.  The outfit I had picked out was perfect.  It was part of a series of important charitable events being held for this specific cause and would be "the place to be" that night...if you could get in.

So when he called to tell me he had run into his old girlfriend who wanted to come to the party...as his guest...and he had agreed, well I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.  This was messed up on too many levels:  (1) he chose her over me,  (2)  we were breaking up,  (3) we were breaking up before this party I was looking so forward to,  (4) I would feel embarrassed.

And one of the worst things was that lots of media would be in attendance at this party, so I couldn't even plan to pretend it wasn't happening because it would be covered in all the local newspapers, TV news, and all over the internet.  Geez.

I called my girlfriends to tell them what happened and received all the expected support: "Oh no...that's horrible...what a bastard...I'm so sorry."  They all said the right soothing things.

Except Lauren.  She said: "You're going to that d*** party".

Me:  "What?"

Lauren:  Call G (a previous ex-), take him, get glammed up, go to the party, and have a blast.  EFF HIM!"

And that's exactly what I did.  G was the right date for so many reasons:  he was richer and more handsome than the guy who dumped me, he's fun and sociable, and loves to dance.  We had a ball.

And the look on Boyfriend's face when he saw us there was beyond priceless.  Plus, when people who thought we were a couple saw him with someone else, they also saw me with someone else, and I liked that.   Because I changed the script on this situation, I felt strong and powerful and in control,  instead of pathetic and sad and bereft.   I felt like Lauren was the smartest woman in the world that day because she knew exactly what I needed.  It felt good.

So what about you?  Have you ever been given any advice that changed what seemed to be the likely outcome of a situation?  Please share.



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 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!