Or at least I thought it did. One day while listening to one of her many stories, she gave me a bit of advice that I found startling. She told me that I should "just find someone...anyone, and marry him". It didn't really matter if I loved him or even stayed with him for very long. In fact, staying was beside the point. In her view, being divorced gives a woman a higher status in society than never having been married.
In her immortal words: It's better to be a has-been than a never-was! I love this line. And while I don't agree with it, I think most people probably do. I know divorced women who hasten to correct anyone who describes them as single. For them, it's really important for people to know that they were once married...that someone wanted them, at least once.
I recall having been at a dinner party with some people I hadn't seen in years. It was surprising, then amusing, to me that my never-been-married "plight" was quite the topic of conversation, but not that of the "three-time divorcee" who sat next to me. She was congratulated for knowing how to get a man...even though she couldn't keep one. What seemed bizarre to me (that is, being married and divorced three times) seemed perfectly acceptable, normal even, to everybody else.
What do y'all think? Is is better to be a has-been than a never-was?
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24 comments:
That's sad...why should anyone marry someone just to say they did? I don't subscribe to that theory--that's just playing into everyone's fears. I have great respect for women who live their own interesting lives - married or not. I think how they live and love of life speaks more about the person than whether or not they've been attached to someone else.
Has-been or never-was shouldn't even be a concern. Living an honest life that has intrinsic value to oneself should be the goal.
Hi, from a male perspectivr I've been marries 3 times, the last one ended in the passing of my spouse. The first two, not so good. I was raised not to cheat, but to respect women. In both cases, (the first two) they both cheated on me, and I ended the marriage. Yet, people who know me are always saying 3 times? I don't know which is best, but if you never try it, You'll never know if it's for you or not. If I hadn't tried the 3rd time, I would not have had 21 years of being happy!
I agree, it is sad but I can totally see the reasoning. Women want people to know that they DID once have the "norm." That they tried it and failed seems better than never having had an offer. Shouldn't be that way though.
I think it depends on the age of the person who has been married several times as well as the one one's never married in regards to the richness of their life.Married and divored young makes me single after over 20 years. I have met men and women married several times and most tell me it them that long to figure out how it was suppose to be. Myself . While its been challenging raising a child alone and going thur life I mostly on my terms I have found as I get older single has really better for me. Being older as I look at those around me married I am thankful a lot of the time for my singleness as I don't have to deal with many of the issues they are dealing with. Still it nice to have that special person but I am of mind now that like my peace. I have my home you have yours , we spend time together but you go home. I can't you tell you how many men have a lot of problems with that.
In final answer; being married before makes no difference as to the quality or value of your life.
Their are pluses and minus for both sides. But I believe that just like married men are suppose to be happier, single women if their life is rich and full as any single person are happier .
As a 27 year old single woman, when I state my status as single, people immediately respond with eww's and ahh's; as if I have done something wrong. Then they ask me how long have I been single in which I reply a happily four years. After too many shock and awe responses, I finally asked one responder why such the response, to be replied with "being single in this day and age is stating that your single because no one wants you." Whatever happened to being single by choice? I'm single because I choose to be not because I have to be. What's even more astonishing, but in aggreeance with your blog, is that in those rare random moments when I have to declare I've been there done that (marriage... and have the certificate to prove it); is a better social status then being single because at least someone wanted me and I'm not associated with some communicable diesease.
It is just a spin on the old saw, "Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." People are overlooking that love and marriage are not synonyms. Single people can have a rich love life and married people can have impoverished ones.
As a recent divorcee, I wish I could call myself a life-long single (and would not hasten to correct anyone who makes that mistake about me), but that is because I still feel compelled to explain why my marriage failed and why I was such an idiot to have stayed in a clearly wretched relationship for so long.
I think some divorcees are looked on as victims or survivors, but life-long singles are just mysteries that people are anxious to find an explanation for.
It's true, being a divorcee sort of boosts that "relationship resume" people seem to think one should have. Like, if you have ALWAYS been single, that's BAD BAD BAD. But if you're had "relationships" in the past, that mitigates some of the BADNESS.
My favorite quote from a friend (a good guy otherwise) was this: "I really don't like (a coworker of ours). He thinks he knows everything, and he's cranky, and look at him, he's single. (pause) Yes, I know you're single, but you just recently had a boyfriend."
Argh
CC
I do appreciate a male's point of view, Dasddbobb! However I can't say I agree with the statment "if you don't try it you'll never know if it's for you or not." Marriage is a major change in one's life - it's not like trying different types of soda to detemine what you like best. While some people enter unions and have wonderful relationships with their partners there are plenty whose lives are negatively impacted due to bad unions. Marriage should not be "something to do or try" to change how we will be perceived or to find out if we like singlehood or marriage best. People have to be learn how to be happy with themselves in either state. I have an aunt who says "it's better to have a piece of a man than none at all." She is proof that marriage is not an insurance policy for happiness - it's so obvious she and her husband are miserable. And she'd rather her adult daughters be in bad relationships and say they are married than to be the happy, well-educated single women they are now. In her eyes she has raised failures because they are not married women. I've been single my whole adult life. A colleage asked if I was single because I was too picky. And she's been married and divorced 3 times and looking for husband number 4. I never saw myself as picky. But I will admit I am a product of a parents who spent 30 years together in misery and created a toxic home life before divorcing. I vowed as I got older to never enter marriage just because as a woman I'm expected to do so. If I didn't find someone who wanted me, loved me, embraced who I was and brought out the best in me I would never consider it. The way one chooses to live is never my business. But I would tell anyone who looked down his/her nose at me for not being a Mrs. or former Mrs. that I'd rather walk a path alone than marry simply because I fear being alone or listening to people's perceptions about me being a middle-aged single. Oh how much we could learn from one another in this world if we stopped labeling and criticizing and learned to embrace each other and all of our differences...:)
A has-been instead of a never-was? What kind of moronic logic is that? As if you've never had the chance to get married! (Or any of us, for that matter.) The thing I find most absurd and irritating about, as you said, "the plight" of the unmarried woman, is the immediate conclusion that we've had no choice in the way we live our lives. Being single long-term is the new leprosy.
I firmly believe a high divorce rate is so much worse. What happened to taking vows seriously? If you aren't going to stay true to them, don't say them in the first place.
Everyone wants to feel good about themselves and better than someone else. Being married is way people can think of themselves as better than others. At least someone chose them,thus they are better than a single person. They can't be too hard of divorced people because they fear they may be divorced one day too. Divorced people want to feel better about their failed marriages so they push the "better to have loved and lost" idea. People who have been single for a long time know that it is the quality of marriage that counts. I know many marriages that I am glad I'm not in even when they feel sorry for me.
I agree with Michael Ann with wanting society to know we were once the "norm." It's all about how we have been groomed but now that traditions are changing about marriage we don't have to feel it's only desirable and worthwhile to marry and we now know it is no longer the "norm." I compare having never married to never having had children. I always feel like I need to say something more when asked "Do you have children." A simple "No" just does not seem enough sometimes. I used to and still on occasion find myself giving further explanation but I am going to stop that. If another question is asked then I will respond appropriately.
I also don't believe being in a long marriage deserves a trophy nor divorce being labeled a failure. The reasons couples stay together and leave are so varied. We do put a lot to conforming and being with the crowd. I have to share that I got caught when I told my sister when I die to list my ex-husband in my obit. She immediately said something to the tune of "Oh you want the world to know you were once with someone/married." It was so funny because that is my reason. Sad, but we do have our "values." Aunt Danny
Interesting comment about wanting your ex to be listed in your obit. Wow, I don't even WANT an obit, let alone have my ex listed. Married 17 years and had 3 kids. Single 20 years. Now, I guess I should ask myself why I don't want an obit!!
I think that's an outright stupid reason to marry.
Though, I'm not surprised by it. I remember back when I was single and had a friend who would hop from one jerk to the next. She was never single and usually had some drama over if she should leave one jerk for another. She would ask my advice (which was usually stop dating for awhile and work on your own life) and then dismiss it because I didn't have the dating experience she had.
Honestly, I think people who think like that are just insecure about themselves.
It's sad, but it's true. A divorcee gets less crap than a never been married.
As a never been married in her late 30s, people think there is something wrong with me. Sorry, I didn't marry the first guy I slept with or didn't even have a date for more than a few years even though I was looking.
Sometimes the timing just isn't right and that's not something most people can comprehend.
There's nothing wrong with me. By all accounts, I'm a productive member of society. People are just stuck on this idea that if you haven't walked down the aisle after a certain age, you are broken. It applies to men and women alike, but I think women get the worst of it (hello, spinster label) than men because of the whole child bearing thing.
But, getting married just to say you've done it is dumb.
Maybe everyone believes
Better to have married then divorced
Than never to have married at all ...
;-)
y0land...
I think my comment will be one of the shortest: I'd rather be with myself for the rest of my life than with someone else who is bringing drama to my table!
As a young divorcee I'd rather people not know that I was ever married. The subject is still wrapped up in feelings of failure that I don't want to discuss publicly.
My boyfriend, who is in his 40s, does confuse seem to confuse people - he's never even lived with a partner! People don't really know how to imagine someone wanting that.
I think of myself as single rather than a divorcee.
So many of the comments here reinforce the "marriage culture" of our society and that's a major factor in our divorce rate. Taking off the pressure to get married will lead to better quality marriages and fewer divorces and that would be a win-win.
I don't know that I get treated any better than any other single woman just because I used to be married a few years ago, but I do think it's easier for me to explain why I haven't been pursuing any relationships or marriage.
They seem to accept my refusal for such things better because they know that I've tried it in the past. I think it's harder for people who have never been married because people think that they will change their minds later.
It's like when I would tell people when I was younger that I was never having children, and they would insist that I would change my mind when I was older. Absolute strangers would make this idiotic remark simply because of my gender. Thank goodness that they don't persist with it now that I'm over 40. Maybe they're actually starting to believe that I really am serious about not wanting children.
So I think that never married women have to be really convincing to persuade others that no, they really don't want to be married, thank you very much.
i admire you for not heeding that spinster's advice. and i'm also praying that one day, you'll meet that "someone" whom you will truly love.
west palm beach divorce lawyer
I've been reading this blog for a long time and have found it really helpful in dealing with my latest long-term relationship breakup. I'm 44, a woman, and moved to a foreign country with a guy after nearly two years with him. We were together for a total of five years before I moved out on him and into my own place (still in the foreign country) to resume my beutifully perfect single life status =) I was once married - for five years - when I was in my twenties. Never had any kids for a combination of medical, economical and personal reasons. Including the marriage, I have been in three years-long cohabitation situations. The second two mimicing marriage closely. Both of the other two proposed, and I accepted, expecting to become a full-fledged member of the "club", with all the trimmings. But then, after a while, I stopped myself. The rose-colored glasses were never rosey enough for me to blindly continue on the tepid path that I was on. I already had the experience of being someone's wife. The prospect was no longer a mystery to me, but I wanted to belong to the "club" again. To automatically have the friendships that come with the status. The "acceptance". But my soul is more in the class of "adventurer" - hence my life in a foreign country. I think the status of "divorcee" is something that some people use to help them make a connection with other human beings more easily. It's a basic need that we all have. It doesn't HAVE to be political. In middle age, finding similarly single people is nearly impossible. All of our counterparts (in our everyday lives) are either currently married, divorced, or have children in their lives. If we have to work with these people on a daily basis, hope to go to a jazz concert with one one day, live next door to one, we have to find some sort of common ground to connect on until we get to know each other's stories better. I don't even really think about my divorce status anymore, personally. It's been 14 years, and with no kids, I have found it similar to nothing more than a normal breakup. But, I mention it as a footnote when i am meeting new people and they want to know about me (and me about them). If they express judgement, well then, that bridge gets appropriately crossed when I come to it =)
Thought of something else. We all have lives - technically speaking. What makes our lives interesting, unique, special to us and those we care about (like friends and family)is our particular way of living it. One can call it personality, but I would call it character. Character has been identified through our sense of humor (sarcastic, dull, ironic...), our style of response to adversity and crisis, even the lines o our face. Character is not one dimensional. We usually talk about it in terms of depth. Being a divorced person adds a layer to that depth. Why? Because every divorced person has their own unique set of experiences and, more often than not, hardships that they survived in order to regain their freedom as a single person. That's not something to be scoffed at or ignored -- that was pain lived, often leaving vivid images burned in a psyche for a very long time. Being single is an absolute joy for me. I love and live every advantage, but being divorced made me a savvier single woman than I was before the fact. And in this dog-eat-dog world (now, literally!), I don't mind displaying my battle scars to anybody.
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