My Favorite Life Lessons

This blog post is all about adages, axioms, mottos, life lessons --some are cliched,  all are true. 

There's an old expression that "youth is wasted on the young." I heard it all my life and never quite got it.  I just thought those who said it --who were always older than I was-- were just annoyed that they were older than whoever it was they were thinking of when they made the comment. Now I know better. That expression has nothing to do with being annoyed at someone younger than you are, it's all about having learned that we don't really really know what life is all about until we've lived awhile.  In other words, "if we knew then what we know now" we might have done some things a little differently, made some different decisions, chose a different path, told somebody to "eff off" and then walked away and meant it. 

Another adage that I've lived enough to learn that it's true is "you teach people how to treat you." I love this one because it's dead on...and just common sense.  People will only repeatedly do to you what you let them get away with. 

I love these kinds of maxims. They just sort of sum up what you need to know in a simple and clear way.

A few weeks ago, a reader of this blog --Robbie-- said a favorite saying of hers is "don't do anything to get a man that you're not willing to do to keep him."  Excellent advice.   And I think it extends beyond a man. It's true for any relationship, including at work. 

My book, The Spinsterlicious Life:20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree, is kinda based on these kinds of common sense rules that maybe sometimes are common sense only in retrospect. They're not as catchy as some I just mentioned, but they still remind me of what I'm supposed to do. 

These are my life lessons from the book (each appended with a story on how I got there):

• Lesson 1 - Marriage. Kids. They're not for everybody.

• Lesson 2- Indulge yourself with romance, sex, adventure.

• Lesson 3- If your ex was a jackass the first time around, he probably still is.

• Lesson 4- If you don't get married, who's gonna fix that? (meaning even independent women need help sometime)

• Lesson 5- If your husband doesn't like you, he might kill you.

• Lesson 6- Know who you really are, not who you wish you were.

• Lesson 7-  Laugh at the inanity of it all.

• Lesson 8- Be nice to old people.

• Lesson 9- Use birth control.

• Lesson 10- Don't be shallow.

• Lesson 11- Be patient with women who mostly only talk about their kids. (A mouthful, I know, but an important one).
• Lesson 12- Pregnancy has it's benefits. As a spinster, you'll miss out on them. (Basically, life has trade offs).

• Lesson 13- Let labels roll off your back. Don't let others define you.

• Lesson 14- When your friend marries, you're not losing a girlfriend, you're gaining a boy friend.

• Lesson 15- Go to therapy if you're crazy.

• Lesson 16- You can't force chemistry.

• Lesson 17- If you have to think about it, you don't really want a baby.

• Lesson 18- Accept help when it's offered.

• Lesson 19- Wear high heels.

• Lesson 20- Being single and childfree is good.

Each one of these lessons has helped me retain some semblance of sanity.  

I'm going to run a few excerpts from my book over the next couple of weeks, and wonder which of the above life lessons would you like to see first?  Please pick two.  Of course, that's assuming you want to see any. 

And what can you add to the list?  What adages/sayings have you found to be helpful in your life?

NOTE: My new book --The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

Spinsterlicious, The Book! What's a Single Woman To Do?

I'm very excited to announce that my book --The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- is now available on Amazon!

To give you a little taste of what it's like, here's the first chapter, The Introduction:

So here's the deal.

I am a bit of a serial dater, so over the years many friends have encouraged me to chronicle some of my adventures in dating –-even though most of my relationships have been normal and uneventful.  Since those don’t make interesting stories, I don’t really talk about them. The best stories come from the more unconventional relationships and I have quite a few of those because I like playing there.  

My adventures in dating didn’t jumpstart my writing about my life, rather it was an encounter I had with a woman I hadn’t seen in a few years.   We bumped into each other at a party and before I could answer “How are you doing?”, she asked “Are you married, yet?”  A lot of people ask me that and I always feel I have to have a quip ready: one that seems lighthearted but hopefully also conveys that I think it’s a bizarre question.  I don’t mind being asked if I’m married, but the yet implies that getting married is something I must do.  But I never really thought so.  

Marriage was never in my plans and I’ve always thought that was fine.  Not everybody agrees, though.  When I’m talking to people –-usually women—and they learn I’ve never been married, some of them look at me with pity.  Others look blank, like they’re trying to hide their real reaction.  Still others look smug, which is particularly funny since many of them don’t know where their husbands are half the time, they can barely tolerate being in the same room as their spouse, or they haven’t had sex with each other in an eternity.  A woman in a genuinely happy marriage is rarely smug.  She knows that marriage has its ups-and-downs, that it can be a lot of work, and that she is fortunate that she and her husband have figured it out.  The genuinely happily married wife is not smug because she is smarter than that.  The smug ones are often working hard to keep a “secret”: they’re  not that happy.

Other women are supportive and encouraging:  “Don’t worry. He’s out there.  You just have to keep looking.”   Sometimes I just smile.  When I tell them that I never really wanted a husband, the conversation can get awkward.  They may be confused, which is understandable, since most people do want to get married.  Some become defensive, though, and those are the ones who amuse me the most.  It’s as if they think that my decision somehow reflects negatively on them and the choice they made.  It doesn’t.  So I wrote my first essay about my choice not to be a wife or mother.  The dating stories came later.

My choosing not to have kids can also slow down a conversation, and gets a similar reaction: most people want children so there’s obviously something wrong with the woman who doesn’t.  But is there?

Here’s a story I love.  One day, AJ, the son of my friend Lorraine, asked his parents “Is Auntie Eleanore a grown-up?”  What I heard was “She’s so youthful, she couldn’t be as old as you two are!”   But what he meant was something different:  “…because she doesn’t have a husband or any children”.   Even at four years old, he understood that I hadn’t done what I was supposed to do.  (Sigh).

Fast forward a few years.  The New York Times¹ recently ran an article that talked about the five traditional milestones for adulthood: completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying, and having a child!  What!?  This means I’m stuck at stage three.  Clearly, AJ isn’t the only one who doesn’t think I’m a grown-up.  

It could be worse. I came across a New York Times article from 1918 called “The Third Sex”² that questions whether women who “lack home impulses”  (meaning women like me) are real women.  So women have come a long way …I think. 

Anyway, even though I haven’t done what I’m supposed to do (marry, give birth), I’m quite pleased with the way my life has turned out.  The growing number of women in the United States who don’t have a husband or a child made me decide to share why this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  In fact, it can be quite good. 

_______________

 1 Robin Marantz Henig, “What Is It about Twenty-Something,” New York Times Magazine, August 22, 2010. 

² William G. Gregg, “The Third Sex,” New York Times, September 15, 1918.

So...that's how this whole book-thing got started.  Of course, I want to know what you think.  And, of course, I'd love for you to make your way over to Amazon to pick up a copy...if you're interested.





NOTE: Don't forget to visit The Spinsterlicious Life Shop.  Lots of goodies there.  They make a statement... and a great gift! 


 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!