What If "Love" Hurts?

On Thursday, I did something really important.   As a member of BlogHer --the largest community of engaged, influential and info-savvy women who blog-- I participated in the 8th annual It's Time to Talk Day (#ITTTD), a national day of dialogue and awareness for domestic violence, sexual assault, and teen dating abuse sponsored by Liz Claiborne, Inc.

Bloggers, members of the press, and government officials were invited to spend time with advocates who are dedicated to lessening the acts and the effects of domestic violence.

There's an overwhelming amount of statistics on this topic.  A few that I found particularly startling include:

• 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. 

• On average more than 3 women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States.

• 44% of sexual assault victims are under the age of 18.

• 1 in 4 teens will be victimized by a partner through digital mediums (e.g., cell phones, social media).

• 38% of dating college women say they would not know how to get help if they found themselves in an abusive relationship.

Although I know this is an important topic, I woke up Thursday morning not really feeling like attending this thing.  I had had a late night before and thought it would be much more to my liking to sleep in, and ease into my morning before getting started on the report I was supposed to be writing.  

What made me go, though, was Elizabeth (not her real name).  Almost a year ago, I began a correspondence with a woman who started writing me after she stumbled across my blog.  She said she started reading it because she was in a bad marriage and thinking about leaving, but was afraid to be on her own.  She was looking to The Spinsterlicious Life for the inspiration she needed to be single again.  After a few notes, she mentioned that she wasn't just unhappy, but that her husband was abusing her.  (I don't know the details).  

About 3 months into our correspondence, she mentioned that she had decided to stay in her marriage!  She said something to the effect that she "admired me, but she wasn't like me and didn't think she could handle being single"!.  She chose to stay in an abusive relationship and, instead, "try to help him change his ways". (Yeah, good luck with that).  So I dragged my a** out of bed on Thursday for Elizabeth.

I was fortunate to speak to several smart and inspiring people that day.  There were three who I found particularly heartening:

• Jennifer Kuhn, Program Manager for The Allstate Foundation Domestic Violence Program.  Their focus in the domestic violence arena is on financial empowerment, providing resources, financial education, job readiness, matched savings, and micro-enterprise for women who need and want to leave an abusive situation but don't have the money or know-how to do so.  The men in these abusive relationships are often so controlling that the woman has no money and no access to their bank account.  She won't get far if she doesn't have cab fare or the ability to find a job or a place to stay.
• Jimmie Briggs, a fascinating man who gave up a career as a highly-respected journalist writing for The New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, Life, and Fortune Magazine (among others) to run the Man Up Campaign, which focuses on lessening instances of sexual violence in 25 countries around the world.  With a focus on youth --primarily male-- 15-30 years old, one of his many missions is to see Man-Up student chapters in schools from coast to coast.  In the meantime, he and his team work hard to speak out about the impact of domestic violence on youth and on the need for early education and prevention efforts with children. 
• Ann Burke of the Love Is Not Abuse Coalition and the Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund.  Her story took my breath away.  Her 23 year old daughter, Lindsay, was murdered by her jealous and abusive ex-boyfriend.  Since then, Ann has managed to make teaching about domestic violence a part of the school health curriculum in Rhode Island…and is working hard to mandate legislation to do the same on a national level. 

Next week, I go back to the lighter side of life with my musings on  Spinsterlicious-ness.  In the meantime, if you're so inclined, please visit one or all of these sites; maybe you'll be inspired to donate your money, your time…or refer a woman or teen in need.  (Elizabeth, I hope you're listening).

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