So I was talking about this recently with my friend, Renell, and we decided she should share her point-of-view on this.
Renell Sullivan and I have been friends for 15+ years. She is a veteran NYC advertising executive, now in talent acquisition and non-profit consulting/volunteering. She is about to launch a lifestyle blog "I Fluff" which will help make-more-out-of-less around the house, including DIY, cocktails, home decor, and food. And she's on Pinterest ( which I don't understand). Renell lives with her lovely husband, Greg, and her lovelier Lab, Vivian. (Sorry, Greg. It's just that I've known Vivi longer!)
In Renell's own words:
Recently, I hosted a reunion of old college friends. One of my roommates had just celebrated her 25th wedding anniversary. She confided, that in planning her anniversary celebration (a full-on gala in Laguna Beach, CA, where they met) her husband told her… "you know, when I was watching you come down the aisle, I thought "well, I’ll give this marriage-thing 5 years". Say that again?
But the bride admitted that she had similar thoughts; she was also thinking it might not last forever. They were young, in their 20s. It’s scary to think about committing to one person for life… but 5 years? That's really bite-sized for a commitment. Yet, they have been happily married for 25 years.
I married in my late 30s…just because I was not in any hurry…had not met the right guy...had other things to do...was busy with my career...had a great social life (still do). But I have to say, I entered into my marriage for the long-haul. To that end, I don’t make big decisions lightly. I’m a list maker; I research everything…where to go for dinner, what is the best dinner party menu, where can I get the best wine for the best price, what kind of car to buy.
In fact, its funny. It wasn’t until I started writing this, that I remembered that I sought out a therapist to help me with the marriage decision. A friend was going to a therapist to help her decide whether or not to have a child, so I followed her lead. I had other crazy stuff going on in my life at the time, so it was a good time to talk to someone with credibility to help me sort things out. Especially, since my husband-to-be was divorced, after 19 years and 2 kids, with a toxic, immature ex-wife…so talking through the pros and cons with a professional was extremely helpful to help make my decision. And, I took the leap.
Even Eleanore said when she was in serious relationships, she had put more of 15-year window around any commitment possibilities…and that put the kibosh on that. But, the 5-year commitment? Well, that’s a new wrinkle...like maybe I was overthinking that “lifetime” vow. Makes you wonder how many people enter into their vows with a shorter timespan in mind. It’s one of those things that you can think, but you can’t say out-loud…
So, I (Eleanore) am wondering how many of my married readers hoped their marriage would last a lifetime, but secretly thought it might not? And for you Spinsterlicious single babes, what do y'all think of all this? It's interesting, right?
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14 comments:
I am single, 40,s. My best friend told me before she got married, "When I am up on the altar and say 'till death do us part,' I mean 10 years."
You know my feeling - You're lonely or annoyed...
http://sheality.wordpress.com/2011/10/28/lonely-or-annoyed/
-Jen
In 1976, I walked down the aisle hoping he wouldn't cheat, knowing he would. And he did. It lasted 17 years. I won't do it again without MUCH more serious thought.
I think if it is TRUE love. You are soul mates and best friends and physically attracted to each other, in can last a lifetime without a lot of effort. Meaning EXTRA effort. Every marriage takes some effort but it shouldn't be as hard as many marriages are. I entered into both my marriages (!) believing it would last forever, but now that I am older and wiser, I realize I wasn't really in true love. The kind of love where you know all the person's faults but love that person anyway. When you know deep down your love is good and true. People KNOW when this isn't the case. It feels more like an addiction or need, than real love. How's that for a convaluted answer?
Maybe I overlooked it in the article, but how long has Renell been married? I am single, but I believe a marriage has a greater chance for lasting longer the older you are. For example, a 27 year old getting married may divorce 8 years later (probably the average for marriages lasting before divorcing), but a 57 year old getting married may have his marriage last 18 years.
Definitely let us know when I Fluff starts up.
I've never thought marriage was a forever thing and never will but then again, i don't believe in the institution. I love the going to a councellor about if marriage was right. exactly something I would do.
in the end, if i ever made the mistake of getting married, if it lasted 1 year i would be beyond shocked so anything over that would be bonus....i guess.
I married at age 41. I saw getting married as the goal and any length of time the marriage actually lasted would be gravy. It's been almost four years now, so that's four years of gravy! I expect nothing to last, ever.
Whoa, whoa to Anonymous who married in 1976 and it lasted 17 years. Those are my exact stats but it is not me and I want to clear it up for those who might know me. Ours didn't last but not because of cheating. He was a gambler, bad with money and had his priorities wrong. I really wanted it to last forever and wish he had been a different person because I enjoyed being married and now that I'm not I find good and bad things about that too. Aunt Danny
Well I read all these comments and got sad, coz I did think it would last forever. I felt like I was at home finally, but it turned out to be "as long as we both shall live." Sorry to be on a bit of downer but Christmas kinda sucks (still).
Stella x
I got married at 34 and I've been married 5 years. I said "I Do" with plans to stay together forever and each year just reinforces that. Each year is better than the last (thank God). I would hate to divorce my best friend who I waited 34 years to meet.
Yea, I don't know about all that either, but I do like that women can be seen as sexy into our 60's and beyond! I have a male friend in his 50's who thinks Helen Mirren is really hot. I know we aren't SUPPOSED to care about all the but i think most of us do. It feels good to be desirable to men. But not just for how we look. We want men to appreciate us as people, but isn't that true at any age? I would hope!
Well according to the vows of marriage, it should last forever. In reality though, it's a case to case basis, just like everything.
I got married in 1973, at 19, to my 19 year old husband. No, we did not have a clue. But after 38 years (some were extremely turbulent) we are still happily married. More now than ever. I don't think anyone who attended our wedding (except us) expected it to last. My husband is my best friend and just saw me through a year of breast cancer treatment. I don't know if I believe in soul mates or true love, but there is an element in our relationship that can not be defined AND I don't take it lightly. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and love. Don't expect marriage to be easy - it definitely is not. We still fight, but they never last long. In fact, he infuriates me sometimes - I guess it just means there's still passion there. I say, "Go for it!". Love is definitely worth it. I can not imagine my life without him and do not want to.
I married at 18 to my childhood sweetheart counting on FOREVER. Life is hard sometimes, but its worth it to stick it out with your best friend for life. I still love him and we still do all the things we did when we were young... maybe not as long or as fast, or as much but just as passionate. Fights, yeah that too, but we get over it and move on. We made a committment and meant it. With or without a mate, life can be hard, but at least with someone you got each other's back when it matters. The children are grown with their own families and we still have each other. Yeah!! After 41 years, I'd still marry him. The same man with all his flaws. And, by the way, I'm not perfect either!
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