I received a note from a Reader the other day: "Have you ever written about telling the difference between whether you really like someone or just like the idea of someone? I'm trying to figure that out."
I knew exactly what she meant. A relationship I was in ended earlier this year. He lived on the opposite coast and it was just too tough to maintain a real relationship with that much distance between us. He wanted his girlfriend-or-whatever-I-was to live a lot closer. I actually didn't mind the distance; every get-together was romantic and special because we didn't have to deal with real-life stuff. So I was a little bummed when he thought we should end it if neither of us was going to move. (We weren't).
I was lamenting the relationship's end and my girlfriend said "Gee, I didn't realize you were that into him". Then it occurred to me that she was right. I wasn't that into him. I wasn't lamenting the loss of him as much as I was lamenting the loss of a relationship. It was the idea of having a beau, not the actual beau. I recalled that when he and I had that final conversation, I was thinking to myself "Damn, now I gotta start all over. Looking around, trying on different guys, blah blah".
So shame on me, because I was definitely more into the idea of having someone than I was into this someone. And I totally get it when Dear Reader asks the question.
I think one of the ways to tell the difference is whether when you think about him, are you thinking about him, the way he looks, his laugh, the things he says, memories of times together -or- are you focusing on something else, things he doesn't "own". If you're thinking more in the abstract like "it would be great to have a man to help me with this…to travel with…to accompany me to this wedding…to talk to when I come home (not that men want to talk to you when you come home), then I think you may be more into the idea of him. It's any "fill-in-the-blank-guy" to fill the man role.
I think a lot of women love the idea of a special someone and what that represents to them (and others) more than they love the actual someone…but, whatever. I think it's important to know and admit the difference, though.
What do y'all think? How do you tell if you really like someone -or just like the idea of someone?
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5 comments:
I've had many such "relationships" and refer to them as "Claytons relationships" after a beer campaign years ago: "Claytons - the beer you have when you're not having a beer." I'm having one now (a relationship, not a beer). He lives in Hobart, me in Sydney, and we're meeting halfway in Melbourne next weekend but, to be honest, I'm more excited about seeing Melbourne than him. He definitely feels the same way. He's not that interested in me or my life. Never asked a single question about it and I've known him 9 months. I've had nothing but guys biding their time for the past 15 years. The ones I am into give me a whirl for about a week or two before searching for something better in the land of infinite opportunities. C'est la vie. Question is, does it do any harm? I think not. Anything that doesn't send my emotions into a tailspin is a good thing - it's just not exciting. As long as both parties feel the same way, no harm done. We both get something out of it, even if it's not what we dreamed of. I think it's a suitable arrangement for two highly independent people in middle age and for me, it may be the only way it's ever going to be. So hand me a Claytons.
Janine: I think your last two sentences sum it up pretty well. And thanks for giving me new "language". Claytons! Love it!
John Mayer (bad boy that he is)has a great song lyric of, "Who do you love, me or the thought of me?" that I have often thought is such a good question to ask oneself in a relatio ship.
So, I had been dating this guy for about 6 weeks. It was casual. Everything about him was great...except that the conversation wasn't there. I found the whole situation interesting because I enjoyed his company and he has all these qualities that I'm looking for in a life partner, and he has treated me so nicely, taken me out, etc., but yeah, it's been 6 weeks, not 6 years. We shouldn't have these long silences. A good friend of mine told me that I liked the idea of him. It is nice having someone to drunk text! Lol! And someone to talk about my week to. And to make travel plans with. But for me, I think I just didn't want to be alone. I met his sister last weekend, who has a baby, and to the baby, she was like, this Aunt.....I was like, oh, geez. Then he wanted to take an overnight trip this weekend. No, no, no. So I cancelled. I'm going to let it fade and take myself on a weekend trip. It's usually easier to rule guys out; that's why this one was harder. He was nice to be around. Then I started reflecting on previous relationships--did I like the guy for himself or for the idea. I think sometimes it's a mixture, and it's hard to tell. And when is it good enough and when am I being too picky?
Thanks for writing it!
@Janine--love the Clayton's relationship name!!!
You scared the hell out of me on this one. I've been with my, long distance, on again off again, boyfriend now for four years. When we've broken up, I've gone through the "Damn, now I gotta start all over. Looking around, trying on different guys, blah blah". And it made me freak out, am I with him because of him or the idea of him. Shit, not a good thing to question. So as I kept reading, cautiously cuz I'm slightly afraid to get to the end and realize its the idea and not him. I get to "I think one of the ways to tell the difference is whether when you think about him, are you thinking about him". And the answer is yes, I think about him. I love the long distance part because YES "every get-together was romantic and special". And even though we don't deal with the day to day (or as he and I like to say 'reality') we do talk every single day. We are in a relationship with each other because we love each other and not for the idea of having someone. During our off periods, we've both somewhat concluded that to find someone like the other is not an easy task. So wait, does that mean that we get back together because of the idea of having someone in our lives? Or because we truly love each other? Hmmm? Now I'm more confused than I was when I first started reading.
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