There is a horrible story that's been in the NY news lately about a man who killed an 8-year-old boy who stopped and asked him for directions. This has spurred many conversations about how to keep children safe. We want kids to grow up with a sense of independence, while also understanding that there is real danger out there...and there's, unfortunately, no fool-proof way to know what danger looks like. Levi Aron, the guy who killed this dear boy, looks harmless, as far as I can tell.
I was struck, though, by this letter from a NYTimes reader who advised that parents should tell kids to "look for a mom".
My first thought was, well, what does that look like? How would a kid know if a woman is a mother? So I assume she meant a woman who has kids with her...but then does that include nannies?
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So where am I going with this? Off on a bit of a tangent, but one that circles back to the annoyance I feel at the pervasive belief that there's something about being a mother that's just better.
So this is a public service rant, on behalf of all my child-free sisters. I'm just doing my part to chip away at the notion that being a mom, in and of itself, is a higher status place to be.
Am I the only one annoyed by this kind of thinking?
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9 comments:
Yes, I am annoyed by this, too. Being a mother does not automatically make you a better person or citizen. I think we've all known mothers who are not very nice,selfish or even criminal and/or who are horrible citizens.
I'll take the extraordinary childless person who is kind to animals, inclusive of all (because she has been single for so long) over the mother who only thinks of her family and rarely about anything else outside of herself.
Don't get me started on motherhood- equals-sainthood! I actually wrote an opinion piece on this after a failed Australian politician said our spinster Prime Minister "can't have much love in her heart" because she's "barren". Yes! Hard to believe, but our press give guys like that oxygen.
While I agree that WOMEN are definitely a safer bet (I mean, seriously, check the stats), it does raise my hackles, this idea of women being instant paragons of virtue once they fulfil their womanly purpose. I remember when my best friend got pregnant to her deadbeat boyfriend (who's doing time for drugs) he said to her, in a caring way, "You're a mother now, no longer a slut." I think he was articulating what a lot of men secretly think.
Then, look at women's magazines (the trashy weeklies). The moment a celebrity falls pregnant her image suddenly transforms from "wild girl" to role model. Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr is "model mum" of the moment - she must be on 6 different mag covers this week alone and no-one can get enough of the most perfect, wholesome woman on earth and her bundle of gorgeous joy.
I agree with the last poster - mums (and dad) look out for their own, NOT the wider world. And let's look at the great unsung heroines - spinsters who take on the most feral foster kids, entire Cambodian orphanages and the like. I just met a woman who fosters kids of addict mums, and has now just adopted one at age 54. Now THAT is a saint, people! That is a saint.
I agree with the other two posters, it is infuriating that because you bonked without birth control (whether intentional or not), you're now on a pedestal. Some cultures beieve "you're either a monther or a whore". When I see an unfit mother with their offspring in the street I secretly wish that there was a test of basic human decency to determine if someone shouls be allowed to get pregnant. (just a fantasy).
Apologies for the typos in my post above. I didn't check before hitting the send button and now can't edit.
My bad.
I agree with you that no person is automatically trustworthy.
I hope to teach my future kids, if they ever come into a situation like this, from someone in a big crowd of people.
Uh, truth be told, one can never tell. All I know is that I will tell my children how it is, but will try not to scare them.
Ok, I think you are being a bit overly sensivite about the "look for a mom," comment. I think what the person was probably saying to her child, albeit very clumsily, is to look for a woman. Of course there are idiots among us who say (or believe) that a woman who is a mother is kinder, gentler, fill in the blank. Of course that's not true of all mothers any more than it's true that all women without children are whatever, kinder, braver, fill in the blank. Reading these posts, some of which are quite hostile, makes me sad. We are not each others enemy. As women, we need to stand together...all the crap that has us so upset--these stereotypes, this "madonna/whore" stuff comes from men. Let's not direct our anger at each other.
@Benilde: I have to disagree with you. While I find many men have a bias about women with children being saintly, I find the most bias comes from other women. Mothers themselves to be exact. Frankly, I have been preached at a multiple of times of how my life will finally be "complete" when I have children. It's as if my life now does not have value because I am unwed and do not have offspring. It is frustrating in the extreme.
I tell my kids to look for a mom- and here's why: if I even see a child that looks lost, I'm going to make sure that kid connects with their parent or caregiver. It's not because I'm a mom- I did this way before I had children. But now that I do have children, it's even more important to me. I figure a woman who has a couple of children is going to care enough to help my child find help. I ALSO tell my kids that they don't leave the building they are in with that mom- or anyone else. I will come and find them.
I wish there were a better way to connect my kids with someone safe- like that we had neon signs over our heads flashing that we were trustworthy, that couldn't be faked. Then I would tell my kids to look for that person. But until I do, telling them to look for a mom that looks like me (and I'm not talking about race here- more the age of the kids) is the best way I can think of to keep them safe.
Oh- I should add- since you don't know me from Adam- I say- "Bravo!" to people who know they don't want children and so don't have them. I don't think we are defined by our marital or parental status (well, we are, but not by me!). And I wouldn't favor a parent over a childfree person in looking after my kids.
One of reasons for "find a mom" is because "find someone in uniform" has proven to be a dangerous piece of advice.
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