Oh No! I Think I Pissed Off Gayle King!

Damn.  I think I pissed Gayle off.  That was not my intention.  And I probably didn't actually piss her off; I don't matter enough to her to be able to do that, but I do think I gave her a WTF moment.   Here's what happened.  I was writing a post for this blog and The Gayle King Show was on my TV in the background.   She seems "regular": really nice and fun and likeable and, at that moment I thought: "I bet she'd like my blog".   Gayle is not a Spinster because she has been married and has children, but she has been single for awhile and seems to really enjoy her life.  That makes her Spinsterlicious (minus the ex-husband and kids part).

So, here's how technology and all these ways of communicating with people can get you in trouble (and by "you" I really mean "me").   I went to her website looking for a way to send a quick note saying something like "Hey, Gayle:  I think you're great.  I have a blog about 'being single and not fretting about it',  I think you might enjoy it.  Here's the link."  

Problem is, there was no way to do that.  Her website only lists Facebook and Twitter as ways to contact her.   Facebook didn't seem right.   It seemed way too public and a little cheesy.   I don't know why I didn't think the same about Twitter...but I didn't, so I used that, instead.   The thing about tweeting is that you only get 140 characters to say what you need to say, so it's a ridiculous way to introduce a point that needs explaining and I don't know why that didn't occur to me until after the fact.

I tweeted Gayle and sent the link to this blog and said something awkward about being Spinsterlicious.  I thought she'd see it, click on the link to see what the heck I was talking about and then would respond that she'd read it and enjoyed it.  That didn't happen.  Because tweets are truncated thoughts, that's also the way we receive them.  They're skimmed, not read carefully.  Apparently, all she saw was "Spinster" and probably thought "WTF?".   But because she is too nice to tweet that, she responded, instead: "Spinster"?? Huh??"   

My entire point had been lost and now she was annoyed.  So I responded trying to explain what I meant, but you can't really explain much in 140 characters so I didn't really improve the situation.  She didn't respond back, probably deciding that I am a nut, and maybe even blocked all further tweets from me.  And here I was just trying to share my blog with what I thought was a like-minded sister.  

For me, this is an example of how the 24/7 all-news-all-the-time blurring of celebrity tales and real news led me to think that I should contact a stranger and speak to her as if we are pals.  I'm a little embarrassed, so I'm going to leave her alone.  However, if you see Gayle, please tell her I meant no harm and am really quite nice..and mostly sane...and I still think she might enjoy my blog.



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The Blessing That is a Curse

I look a lot younger than my age.  I feel I do but, more importantly, lots of other people feel I do and they tell me so all the time.  Now, one thing I've noticed is that everybody tells a woman over 40 that she looks younger than her age...even when she doesn't.  It's kind of a requirement.  In my case, though, it's really true.  And why am I so sure? For a couple of reasons.


Reason 1.  
Last year, when I was job-hunting, I kept tripping up my prospective employers as they tried to reconcile the dates and my job experience with my "youthful appearance".  (I put that in quotes because I feel kinda silly saying that, although it's true).   A few headhunters even told me to take some of the older dates off my resume because I work in an industry that's not too friendly to women-of-a-certain age, and they felt I would open myself up to many more opportunities that way because I looked young enough to pull it off.   And they were right.   I got lots of interviews, many of which I know I wouldn't have gotten had they known my real age.  Looking younger than my age was a real blessing.

 
Reason 2. 
I keep meeting men who are really interested in me, and they demonstrate it in all the familiar ways men show that they're interested: the look in their eyes, the smile in their voice, the efforts they make to get and keep my attention.  That is, until they find out how old I am.  Then they can't run away fast enough.  Yes, of course, there are lots of guys who like older women and they're usually younger.  Much younger.  A little younger, say, 10 years,  is nice, but I don't particularly like dating guys who are way younger than I am.  (See Younger Men ).  

I happen to like men my own age.  They just don't like me so much.  They start out liking me and then they get all stupid on me because apparently dating a grown woman is a problem for them.  This would be pretty amazing if it weren't myself that I'm talking about:

• I had a great time with Kevin (not his real name) for about 6 months, hanging out several times a week doing all kinds of fun things all over New York City.  Then he found out my age and freaked out.  By the look on his face, you would have thought I'd told him I had a syphilis, not that I was the same age as he was.  He thought I was about 15 years younger.  About a week later, he cut me off.  Said he might want to have a kid; not right now, but someday so he needed to be with a woman who had enough child-bearing years left to produce for him in the future.  I'd never heard him mention wanting a kid before.

• Something similar happened the following year.  Different guy, same reaction to my age...again, even after he'd known me for awhile.  After that, I started telling guys my age on the first or second date.  If my age matters to him, he should know sooner rather than later.  No need in wasting his time.  Mine, either.

• Shortly thereafter, I met a guy at a restaurant while waiting for my friends.  My friends were late, so he and I spent 30-45 minutes talking.  He had already expressed interest in seeing me again, when he made an awkward comment about his own age.  He wondered if I would mind going out with an older man.  Obviously he was having his own issues.  Poppa was having difficulty accepting his own age and apparently thought a younger woman could help with his self-deception.  But as it turns out, I was older than he was.  He wasn't even cool about it.  He abruptly paid the bar bill and scrammed.

Now, when I meet a guy, I tell him my age almost immediately.  It's just easier.  If he has age issues --about mine or his own-- he'll have to work that out somewhere else.  I can't be bothered.

Who'da thunk looking young would be a bad thing?  Insecure men, that's who.



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SY-Guy: Spinsterlicious Man of the Month!

 My good friend, who calls himself SY Guy, makes a good living as a Strategic Planner in the communications business and he has, apparently, learned to be pretty strategic in his love life, as well.  Here's why I say this... in his own words:

Why I Appreciate Woman-Drama (The SY-Guy View)

She told her friend on the phone how so-and-so in the office was not carrying his weight.  It’s really upsetting her.  This guy has been a thorn in her side for months. On the phone she seemed to tell her the same story three times.  I can only imagine there were different nuggets of information or insight in each telling. I can only imagine each telling got a different response from the friend on the other end of the phone.  But I don’t know.  As a guy, things are black-and-white.  Not much nuance.  I report to someone on the phone what happened, and the buddy on the other end says, “He’s an idiot. [Pause]  “How ‘bout the Cub pitching staff this year?”

But I have come to appreciate woman-drama.  It gives color to my otherwise black-and-white world.  It brings me closer to the woman in my world.  And it gives me usefulness...
 

Women think guys don’t express their feelings well.  That’s no doubt true.  But part of the reason for that: we don’t have feelings to express.  Obviously I’m exaggerating and generalizing, a dangerous combination.  We do have feelings, of course.  But they are infrequent and rarely strong ones, unless someone has crossed us – somehow challenged our honor or masculinity or safety.  Otherwise we go through our day thinking fairly rationally about things.  So I enjoy living vicariously through the women in my life who have emotions.  Reds, greens and yellows in my otherwise black-and-white world.

And then when I was 45 I learned the power of “I’m sorry” – no, not as an apology to someone I wronged, but as woman-code for “I understand.” in response to something upsetting in their lives.  So now, when facing drama in my GF’s life I say, “I’m sorry.”  She responds, “It’s ok.”  And I get credit for being understanding, which helps us feel more intimate and that deepens our relationship.

And woman-drama helps me feel useful.  By being understanding (“I’m sorry”) but more importantly unfazed, I am helping her cope, by being calm, steady and clear-minded about what to do next.  At least I think she finds this useful.  I better ask…

Hmmm. I'm not sure if he's being strategic...or he's just really smart.  What do you think?


 
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Love in the Time of Texts

I love texting.   I'm not sure somebody my age is supposed to love texting, if I judge it by the number of my comrades who I hear complaining about it.   To me, they sound a lot like the stereotypical codger who complained about those new-fangled horseless carriages, and whatever names they had for other emerging technology: the telephone, tv, music cds, email.   They certainly have the right to try to ignore what's new(ish), but I always wonder "what are you afraid of"?   In every situation, we have the right to choose how much to engage with any technology...though completely resisting it can sometimes leave you left out. 

Whatever.  Back to why I love texting.  Especially when I'm dating.

(1)  Texting is fun.  It's flirty.  Sometimes sexy.  It's a tidbit of surprise in the midst of what might be an ordinarily fairly mundane moment.  An unexpected text from a cute boy is a delight.   "Hey beautiful".*   "Can't wait to see you tonight".   "I want to wake up with you, sit with you at the breakfast table and look out the window sipping coffee".   "You have a beautiful face and luscious lips".   "Good nite, pretty".   "U tickle my imagination".   They always make me smile.  Sometimes blush.   I don't always care if they're even true.  They're fun. Some of these guys somehow find a way to be slightly more expressive via text than they can ever muster live. 
 .
(2)  Texting is efficient.  It's a really good and quick way to communicate some much-needed information.  "I'll be there in 10".  "Here's the address...".  "What's your dress size?"  "Where are you?"   You give/get the necessary info much faster and much less intrusively than with  a phone call.  I can answer a text when I'm in a meeting, in the doctor's waiting room, or in a restaurant waiting for the other party.  Times when I'm less likely to answer or make a phone call.


(3)  Texting is a really good barometer of how the relationship is going.  See, texting is bad if it's your primary form of communication.  When it becomes a substitute for real conversation, it's time for me to pack my virtual bags.  I'm not even talking about break-up texts;  that relationship is already kaput.  I'm talking about two almost-relationships I had when the guys texted me a few times a day but couldn't seem to be able to pick up the phone to call me.  An easy and early sign to bail.  Interestingly, one guy didn't seem to understand why that was an issue.  Another reason to leave: he was obtuse.

And in the spirit of full disclosure, I must admit that I, too, have used texting as a proxy...as a distancing measure.  When I'm kinda half-in-half-out, but haven't quite completely moved on I find myself sending more texts and making fewer calls.  Guilty.

As with all technology, it's not the medium...it's us.

*All examples of texts in this post are texts I've actually received.

 
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Married on Facebook

This past Sunday, the New York Times ran an  article on the way people manage their relationship status on Facebook, including what it means when they update their status from, say,  single to married back to single to "it's complicated, and back again.

According to them, "Facebook is a world unto itself with more than a half-billion residents, each asked to report a 'relationship status.'   By the end of last year, almost 37 million people had changed their status to married, while nearly 44 million changed their status to single, this according to data Facebook released last month.  These statistics bring to the fore a larger question: Why do so many Facebook users agree to announce their romantic entanglements?"

Why, indeed?   Of all the things I share on Facebook, my relationship status is never one of them.  No one needs to be able to track the progress (or lack of) in my relationships...especially since I can barely do it myself and it's my relationship.  I always feel slightly embarrassed for people when their status changes to "single".   Not because being single is bad (it's not), but because there's been a breakup and those usually aren't fun, and now it's public, which I would think makes it even less fun.   I sometimes have to constrain myself from posting "what happened" on their Wall.   I know it's none of my business...but it is Facebook and none of the stuff on there is my business.

I have a friend whose status was "in a relationship" for years, which was true technically, though he was actually married.  I didn't really have to ask why he did that, but I did wonder to myself what his wife thought of it.

I think people who post their relationship status should also post a Part Two: "it's good" -or- "it sucks".  That would make it much more interesting.  What about you?  Do you post it on Facebook when your relationship changes?



NOTE:  If you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe in the box on the right -or- if you have a Google Account, you can click on "Follow Me" also on the right, near the bottom.   You'll receive an email each time there's an update to the blog.  Don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!