Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Don't worry. Be Happy.  Or something like that.  I read an article last Sunday in the  NYTimes about how a little bit of fretting is good for us.  Not a lot of fretting; a little bit.  The article is mostly about how dread is what spurs us on to take steps to get us out of an anticipated horrible situation.

The part that really caught my eye, though, was about how situations that we think are going to be horrible usually don't turn out to be nearly as bad as we thought they'd be.  I can think of 1000s of my own real-life examples where this was true, but the one that comes of my mind most is this:


When I was younger, I would keep a diary from time to time.  I was never good at it because I would get bored with it pretty quickly and usually end up tossing it aside after a few entries.  One day I came across a tossed-aside diary and started flipping through it.  It was about 2 years old.  As I was reading it, I came upon a page where I was in complete and utter despair.  I was heartbroken over some guy and the words that poured out were just so full of anguish.  My gosh, as I read it I felt so sorry for the girl I had been at that time.  I was clearly devastated and apparently couldn't imagine how life would ever be good again.  How would I get through this?

And here's the best part: even though only 2 years had passed, I couldn't figure out who it was that I was all broken up about. I couldn't remember who the guy was!!  At the time I was writing it, I didn't mention him by name probably because I assumed it would be obvious.  And just a short time later, he had ceased to exist.  Amazing.


Then I got excited.  Who was this MF who had gotten me all worked up?  I called a girlfriend.  "Who was I dating then that would have upset me like that?"  We wracked our brains going through the guys we could think of but none fit.  


Just like the article said, however miserable I thought I would become without this guy clearly hadn't happened.  I didn't even remember him.  I wish somebody had known to tell the "devastated me" that I wouldn't even remember this guy in a really short time. Of course I wouldn't have believed it…but now I always remind myself of that story.  And that's why people (who aren't terminally ill) shouldn't commit suicide.  Chances are you'll get over whatever it is that's making you nuts at that moment. Honest.


Do you have a story of how you got all bent out of shape over the possibility of something horrible happening…and then shortly after it happened you were fine?  I wanna hear about it. 






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Other Women's Husbands

I can't ever remember wanting to be married.  The all-the-time-ness of it always seemed like too much.  I thought (and still think) that a husband would be a nice thing to have...but not every single day.  (Boyfriends are much better because they go home and, eventually, go away.)


If I could've figured out a sane way to have a (faithful) husband on a part-time basis, I possibly would have married at some point in my life.  Possibly.  But this week I realized that I have kind of figured out the part-time husband thing.  He's just not my husband.  More correctly, they're not my husband.  


You see, it occurred to me that I've come to rely on the husbands of my friends to do the things that my own husband would do if he existed.  (Well, no, not everything.  This is all very G-rated).  I'm fortunate to have a number of good girlfriends who are married to great guys.  Guys who willingly pitch in when I don't have a beau to do whatever it is that needs doing.  (I say "willingly"; I'm just hoping that's true).

This week I leaned particularly heavy on other women's husbands but, when I think about it, this is the kind of thing I've done for a long time.


Really, it's the best of both worlds.  They're funny and smart and useful...and then they go home...to their wives...before we start to get on each other's nerves.


A sampling of how other women's husbands have made my life better?

• Today, Susan's husband took a ride with me as I went to confront my wayward tenant about not paying the rent.  Having a man with me gave me more confidence, and I thought it would be handy to have him if a fight broke out.  (Kidding...but just a bit).

• Every day this week, Traci's husband helped me with my new computer that I don't know how to use.

• Last summer, Lorraine's husband really hooked me up.  He re-arranged and fixed so many things in my house that it almost looked like new when he was done.

• Once, I left an old car at this same house and didn't drive it for awhile.  Benilde's husband cleaned out the nest that some critters had made in the car engine.  (I would have just given the car away.  No way was I going near that).

The list goes on and on.  I'm very lucky to have friends who so freely share their husbands because Lord knows I wouldn't know what to do with one of my own.  Thanks, Girlies!!




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HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! NO REALLY!!

What in the world is happening with Mother's Day!?  I was amazed, mystified, and somewhat amused all last week.  The run-up to Mother's Day was a major extravaganza...on steroids!  It seems to me that, this year more than any other, Mother's Day surpassed the over-the-topness of Christmas.

The television and newspapers ads were kind of what I'd expect.  Their job is to get you to spend as much as you can on a Mother in your life or, clearly, you're not a good person.  A card, a bouquet of flowers, or a loving visit are definitely not enough.  Advertising does this every year, though it seemed a little dialed up this year.  The gifts were more lavish, with at least one ad suggesting that Mom deserves a new car!

People on Facebook were encouraged to "show their love" for their Moms by posting a picture of her. I thought it was a cute gesture, but then it started to seem a little forced.  If you didn't do it, are you an unappreciative daughter? (This seemed targeted to women for some reason).    

Every one of the morning news shows and daytime talk shows, every single day last week, had a segment (or three) of all kinds of people proclaiming, repeatedly, their love, love, love for their mothers on national tv. The more excessive, the better.  Last week, every mother was perfect.  Nobody had a shaky relationship with their Mom, everyone was blessed with a paragon of virtue and goodness.  

What really tripped me up, though, was the number of people who wished me a Happy Mother's Day on Sunday.  I'm not a mother. I didn't mind it, but I did think it odd.  New Yorkers, who barely speak to each other on a normal day, were saluting total strangers with Happy Mother's Day.  Honestly, this happened to me 9-10 times.  I decided I must really look like a Mother until I heard from my sister and my friend Cece (neither of whom are Mothers) that the same thing had happened to them in Washington, DC where they live. 


Is it the assumption that every woman is a Mother...or would it just be too awful to overlook a Mother, so we just say it to everyone lest we not give someone her due?

When did Motherhood reach iconic status...in such public and exaggerated way?  Motherhood used to just be what women did.  Now it's larger than life.


I don't really know what this is about, but I can't help but wonder if it's not more than a coincidence that all this celebratory celebration is happening at the same time that a spate of articles and books are being published revealing that for many women Motherhood is harder, more stressful, and more depressing than they thought it'd be. A teeny tiny sampling:

• Time Magazine's Why Having Kids is Foolish
• New York Magazine's All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting
• Naomi Wolf's Misconceptions About Motherhood
• The Book for Angry Moms

 At the same time that some brave women are admitting that this Motherhood thing ain't all it's cracked up to be, we're on the counter-attack to prove them wrong.  Why??  Isn't it ok for a woman not to be a Mother?  And isn't it okay for some women to admit they're not having a grand time with it?  What does it mean that we feel so compelled to concoct a myth rather than just live in truth?








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Another Magic Baby

A few months ago I wrote a post about  The Magic Baby.   A baby who was able to transform her sourpuss pre-baby mother into a paragon of sunshine and light.  It really was like magic.  This woman went from ill-mannered to amiable in the blink of a birth. I was amazed.  By your comments, some of you were not, so I suppose it does happen.

Fast forward to today.  One of my favorite couples is also having a magic baby.  She's not even born yet and she already is putting her magical powers to use.  Her parents, when they're not pregnant, are each  a great combination of seriously funny and really smart.  Mom-To-Be is a partner at a major consulting firm that is known for its eggheads. That's how smart she is.  Almost-Daddy is creative but not a (too)crazy creative, creative in a good way.  He makes films and has had his work shown at MOMA (The Museum of Modern Art).  Up until now they've been appropriately normal in most ways that matter.

We've been preparing for this baby for 8 months.  I say "we" because we live kind of in a college dorm-like situation in that we're in and out of each others' apartments just about every day, sometimes without even knocking. I have a framed picture of her in utero on my shelf.  Somehow, I just know they're going to figure out a way to finagle a bassinet into my bedroom when I'm not looking.

Anyway, Little Ellie, as I've been calling her after myself, is using her magical powers to transform her parents from normal-ish to major-league loopy.  J and J have been surprisingly calm and even-keeled for a first pregnancy...at least up until now.   Well, they're still calm and even-keeled but they sent me into a tizzy when I saw one of their baby registries.  It's at an impossibly cute chi-chi store in Tribeca, and is filled with the kinds of things that I want to make fun of.  Like a nightlight in the shape of a bear for $95.00.  And several other zoo animals, similarly priced.   And a birch clothes tree.  And a crib mobile also for $95.00 (Is that the only number the store owners know)?

I was in a tizzy because everything was so darned cute and so darned expensive and so darned unnecessary...at least to me, Mother-of-None.  And what's troubling me even more?  I've been giving serious consideration to actually buying Ellie the Bear Light.  Somebody stop me.

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Life's Too Short...

Following is an exchange I had with a Spinsterlicious fan today.  I'm curious to know what y'all think:

Dear Spinsterlicious,

I have to visit my hometown this weekend and I’m only in town for a brief time.   I usually try to cram in catching up with as many of my family and friends as possible,  particularly since I do not go home very often.   I asked one of my best friends if he had time for me Friday evening.   I’m already somewhat annoyed that we can’t hook up until 9:15pm because he has caipoeira class that evening which, by the way, I think he should skip since I’m only in town twice a year, but on top of that, he wants to bring his girlfriend.   She probably won’t last until the end of the year and now I have to make small talk with this chick.  I really do not want to spend my precious little time with my friend trying to keep the conversation PG because his girl is there.  

Am I wrong for not wanting to hang out with her and seriously thinking about bumping him off the schedule for another friend?

Here's my response: 

I totally feel you.  I would like to say that you should just suck it up and get together with him and his girlfriend, especially since he's such a good friend.  However,  that's the grown-up me talking.  The real me says "blow them off"...but you can't tell him why.  Life's too short to be spending an evening with somebody you don't feel like being bothered with who is not going to be a significant person in your life.  Catch him next time.

Part of me wishes that I'd said something like "oh, you should be bigger than that.  Get together with them both and try to make a fun evening of it"...but I would have been insincere because it's probably not what I would have done.  What would you have done?

NOTE:  If you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe in the box on the right -or- if you have a Google Account, you can click on "Follow Me" also on the right, near the bottom.   You'll receive an email each time there's an update to the blog.  Don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!