When Is A Gift Not A Gift?

Gift.  noun.  1. something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.  Dictionary.com

I had a conversation this week with my friend --let's call her Cheryl-- about gift-giving, during the holidays and all the other gift-giving "opportunities".  I was in the middle of wrapping my Christmas gifts and mentioned that I have begun to exchange gifts with fewer and fewer people.  Really, I don't need another thingy.  What I've started to suggest is that we get together, treat each other to food and drink…or something else we both like to do, and just enjoy each other's company.  That's what I really want for Christmas (and usually my birthday, too).


Then Cheryl told me a story about how she feels slighted by a friend to whom she has given many gifts, though has received few (or none, depending on how you look at it) in return.  Cheryl says that, over the years, she has given Friend and her family a number of gifts…8 to be exact.  Birthday gifts to Friend and hubby, birthday and Bar/Bat Mitzvah gifts to the kids, housewarming gifts to the whole family and on and on.  When Cheryl had her housewarming, Friend brought her a homemade cake.  It's a touching and personal gift, in a way.  But was she being chintzy?  Probably, but I really don't know. Maybe she couldn't afford to do better. At any rate, Cheryl certainly didn't appreciate it. She expected more.

I don't always feel compelled to give a gift just because it's an occasion where a gift is expected.  In some ways,  I'm not sure Cheryl should have given them all those gifts in the first place.   To me, gifts should come from the heart and once you start keeping track of who-gave-what-to-who then it doesn't seem so heartfelt.  Many people give gifts because they're expected.  I sometimes don't. I kind of decide on a case-by-case basis.  Once a gift starts to feel obligatory, it feels less like a gift to me and more like a payment…or ransom.

I have a friend (actually two), who over the years, would regularly complain about gifts given to her: "not enough thought went into it", "I don't like it", "it's cheap"…blah blah.  I came to dread exchanging gifts with her.  Anxiety over whether it was "good enough" made shopping for her stressful, not fun.  And so what's the point there?


Cheryl pointed out that, as a single, child-free woman, I get the short end of the gift-stick.  Engagement gifts, wedding gifts, baby gifts, all kinds of gifts for the kids are given, but I'm limited to receiving gifts for Xmas and birthday.  But Cheryl is married and still got short-shrift.  It probably doesn't help that she doesn't have kids.  We laughed about an episode from Sex And The City where Carrie had a similar thought:

“Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn’t one occasion where people celebrate you … Hallmark doesn’t make a “congratulations, you didn’t marry the wrong guy” card. And where’s the flatware for going on vacation alone?"  

I always give a wedding gift if I attend the wedding.  If I don't attend, I may or may not give a gift.  Only on occasion do I give birthday and Christmas gifts to children.  I love lots of the kids in my life, but they get so much during these times that I'm not sure the gift means much to them…or that they even remember what I gave them.  I'm sure some of the parents think that's a little sloppy of me, but whatever.  I'm much more forthcoming with gifts for an accomplishment, like graduation.

I don't exchange a ton of Christmas gifts, but I do make sure to spend time with the people who matter to me. That feels better to me than another tchochke…especially if we don't really know what the other one wants.


I give baby gifts most of the time…but not always.  I give birthday gifts some of the time, but not always.  Here, I'd rather take you out to dinner and enjoy your company.    No angst about the wrong gift. Same amount of money (usually more), but a win-win for everyone.

I once broke up with a guy who gave me a television for Christmas, then demanded that I buy SurroundSound speakers to augment it. Except I don't really need SurroundSound. What kind of gift is that, that I have to spend more money on?  Really, it felt more like a gift for him that he could enjoy at my place.  The argument spiraled out of control after that.

Gift-giving and receiving can be rather emotional, I guess, and is certainly laden with all kinds of other expectations that don't really help the situation.  Once the recipient starts weighing the "value" of the gift, it loses all meaning in my opinion.

And, once my stepmother gave me a set of ashtrays.  I've never allowed smoking in my house.  'nuff said.

Anyway, I'm dying to hear your "oh Lord, I gotta buy a gift" stories.  Or, if you're a gift-complainer, I'd like to hear more about that, too.



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