Making Single Sexy and Fun

Helen Gurley Brown turned 90 this past February 18.  I discovered her when I was a teenager and became an instant fan. She was a woman ahead of her time; I hadn't heard another woman with her message. I was certainly familiar with (and appreciative of) feminists who were trying to empower us, but Helen was coming at it from a whole 'nother angle:  it's okay for a woman to be single, and really ok for her to have and enjoy sex, to have fun, to have a full life.  I didn't know anybody else who was saying this quite that way.  

I bought her book, Sex and the Single Girl, and read it at night after I went to bed so my mother wouldn't catch me with it.  Helen was 40 when she wrote the book so she wasn't some young, flighty girl being wistfully naive.  This woman had lived.  She went on to showcase her perspective as editor of Cosmopolitan magazine for 32 years.

Katie Roiphe wrote an article in Slate magazine acknowledging HGB's birthday and celebrating her accomplishments.

From the article: "It has now been 50 long and eventful years since the publication of Helen Gurley Brown’s feminist classic, Sex and the Single Girl, in which she made the groundbreaking observation: “I think a single woman’s biggest problem is coping with the people who are trying to marry her off.”  

True then, still true.  But I'm trying to do my part to help chip away at this notion that a woman must be married to have real worth.  I certainly know this "you must marry" sentiment has softened since she wrote this book…but it hasn't softened enough.  Just last week I patiently explained to my new doctor how it was possible that I was "really ok" without a husband or kids.  He said he couldn't understand how a woman could feel that way.   And he's only 40, so I can't even blame it on him having grown up in a different time.  I like him, though, so I teasingly reminded him that it's the 21st century and the old rules don't apply.  I hope I gave him something to think about.

Anyway, happy belated birthday to Helen Gurley Brown and many thanks to her for helping enlighten me as a teenager.  I'm hoping that one day some young girl will say the same thing about my book --The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--which will be out on March 15.  I can only hope.

How did you come to the conclusion that being single is ok?  Or have you?


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Are Single People Happier?

As you probably know, talking about living alone/being alone/being single is hot right now.  It seems that not a day goes by that I don't see or hear this topic being discussed on TV, in newspapers and magazines, and all over the Twitterverse. Sometimes it's discussed in a way that I appreciate: affirming, celebratory even.  Still, too many times the tone still borders on "what's wrong with them".  (I'm doing my part to change this.)

Recently, The Washington Post  conducted a survey and ran an article about living alone, and I found the results of the survey to be thought-provoking.  

There were two questions that really jumped out at me. The first one was "At this point in your life, do you want to get married?"

65% said "they would if they're in love with the person", and 30% said "nah, I like being single".  I wish I knew if the "I prefer to be single" people are primarily women or men.  Just curious…

I participated in this survey and didn't really know how to answer this question.  I don't even remember what I chose, but I do know that I wanted to do a combination of the first two choices that would go something like this: "I like being single, but wouldn't mind a long-term boyfriend."  I've always liked having a boyfriend, but I want him to go home from time to time...so marriage would be tricky.

But I did a double-take at the 4% who said they want to be married even if they don't fall in love with the person!  Wow.  I'd like to know a lot more about this one.  I get that a lot of people want the companionship…but being married to and sharing my life and house with someone I'm not in love with feels like a special kind of hell to me.  Yikes!  

The other question I liked was "How happy is your life compared to that of people who are married or in long-term relationships?"

41% said they didn't think there was much difference.  This might be the true-est answer because it's really very individual and varies from person to person and relationship to relationship. 

33% of the Singles think they're happier (22% somewhat happier, 11% much happier).  I fall in this group but, again, I want to tweak the options.  I think people in long-term relationships --especially if they don't live in the same house-- are happier than married people, so it's hard for me to think of married people and long-term-relationship people as the same.  So…I would have said "I'm somewhat happier" compared to married people and "no difference" to those in long-term relationships.  And, honestly, I don't know if married people are less happy than I am, but I do know that they seem to complain an awful lot.

25% said they think married people are happier than they are (19% said Marrieds are somewhat happier and 6% said much happier.)

So, I'm curious to know how you feel.  Please take the survey on the top right of this pageand then elaborate on your response in the Comments section below.  I'll write about the results in an upcoming post.

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A Woman and Her Six Husbands

The other day, I saw a guy on TV who was promoting his new book, "The Six Husbands Every Woman Should Have."  I stopped what I was doing to have a look and listen.  Geez, if I'd known I should have six husbands, marriage might have been more appealing to me.  It was the whole finding-one-and-till-death-do-us-part thing that tripped me up.

I quickly learned that, unfortunately,  he did not mean a woman should have six different husbands.  Instead, what he meant was that a man has to evolve to adapt to the changes in his life over the years and there are apparently six such phases…and that he becomes a different man with each change.  I actually think it's probably an exaggeration that he becomes a different man over the years…or that he even changes that many times.  But, I get it.  No doubt it sells books.  Just like I stopped doing what I was doing to watch, I'm sure many others did, too.  If I was married, I might even have picked up the book.

But let's go back to my original thought.  What if every woman did actually have six husbands in her lifetime?  How much more fun would that be!  A lot, I think.  Working out the finances and housing and kids and other details would probably be complicated but if six-husbands-per-woman became the norm, I'm sure someone would figure out how to make it do-able…and not too much of a headache.

So what do y'all think:  Is six husbands better than one…or none?


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Dating Young. How Low Can You Go?

So Demi and Ashton are finished.  They hung in there for six years which is about 4 more than I thought they would.  She's 16 years older than he is.  I wish I had faith in these kinds of relationships, but I don't.  Not for marriage.  I think she should have kept him for a Boy Toy for a year or two and then let it go.  Marrying him made him think he was her equal…and he's not.  And, well, you see how he behaved once he got comfortable.

I'm all for dating younger men, but I think there should be a few rules.

For women, anybody more than 10 years younger should probably be considered a fling…even a longish fling, but still a fling.  Men and women are just too different.  I don't think guys do well, long-term, with a woman who's much older.  Of course, if you just want sex and some momentary fun then I don’t think there is such thing as “too young”.  Okay, I take that back;  I’m not Mary Kay Letourneau and I’m not trying to go to jail.  Re-stated:  if you just want sex and some momentary fun, than I think any age over 18 is fine.  Maybe 21…or whatever the legal age is in your state… just to be safe .

But it really has to just be sex and some momentary fun and that really should be all you want.  A grown woman cannot have a real relationship with a man half her age.  Hulk Hogan's ex-wife tried it.  She, in her 50s, dated and was even engaged to a  23-year-old. (He was 19 when they started dating). It didn't last. Celebrities don’t count, though, because they’re already not-like-us.

My rule, in general, has pretty much been 15 years on either end, i.e., 15 years older than me and 15 years younger, giving me a range of men with an age spread of 30 years. (Lots to pick from).   But you know what?  This rule has changed from time to time because it depends on how old I am.  When I was just a young thing, I sometimes went out with guys much, much older:  me, 26; him, 60.  (I know).   I couldn’t have gone 15 years younger because I’d then be writing this from my prison cell.

Now the reverse is true.  I’m still willing to go 15 years younger, but really only 5-8 years older.  A man who’s more than 10 years older than me is kinda old.   And I don’t apologize for that; guys are very open about preferring someone younger…and so am I!

If you want a serious relationship and really want him to be your man, and you’re a woman-of-a-certain age, I think anybody more than 10 years younger than you are could be tricky.  Y’all should at least both remember the original version of the same song; if you remember Diana Ross singing I’m Coming Out, and he only remembers Biggie and Puffy’s version that was sampled in Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems…then I think you could have a problem.  It's good to have the same cultural references.

Here are a few things to think about.  Even though he’s younger, he should be old enough to:

• Have some of the same cultural reference points without you always having to explain
• Have worked long enough to have a career, not just a job.  You should not be taking care of him, financially.  He needs to have his own money
• Have real, hard-bottomed shoes in his wardrobe, not just sneakers
• Understand that he can only go to the club every now and than…unless he’s a DJ
•  Wear a belt with his pants
• Refuse regular motherly advice from you (“shouldn’t you be wearing a sweater, dear”).  If you’re doing that, stop it and find someone old enough to know if he needs a sweater.

Ideally, he has friends in a wide age range so you don't always look/feel like the chaperone when you're out with his friends.

If he's divorced and/or has a kid, I think that's a plus.  That way he has a little more experience at a grown-up relationship...maybe.

One summer day while walking my dog in a nearby park, I was approached by a young guy.  It was clear that he was super young (of legal age, though), but he was also a real cutie and I was in a good mood.  We chatted a bit, he played with my dog, and then bought me a drink at the nearby concession stand.  I thought it was all rather fun and amusing...until he compared one of my comments to a similar reference by his mother (who, I quickly learned, was actually younger than me!)   Note to young guys trying to pick up older women: keep your mom out of it.

Dating younger men can make you feel young and put a definite bounce in your step (and let’s not forget the s-e-x), but be reasonable.  If you want him to stick around for a long time, choose wisely:  the image of him pushing you in your wheelchair just isn’t attractive.

Did I miss anything?  How do you know if he’s too young?


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Love in Turks & Caicos

I spent last week on the beach in Turks & Caicos, a beautiful island in the Caribbean.  I was there for my friend, A's, wedding.  I happily turned it into my winter vacation.

I loved knowing that, while I lay at the pool in 80 degree weather, there was a little snow on the ground in New York City.

The beaches there are beautiful.  Each morning, my version of exercise was to take a long walk along the edge of the water.  One morning I slept in, then had a late breakfast with my friend, D, who came along at the last minute, so I didn't take my walk until the early evening.  It wasn't the smartest idea I had that day.  When I started out, the beach looked like this:

But, much too soon, it began to look like this; still beautiful, but  I found myself alone on a dark, deserted beach really quickly, still a mile or so away from the resort.  It was a little eerie and maybe even a bit unsafe.

As I quickened my pace, trying to get back before total darkness, I saw D ahead.  He had come to look for me!  I was so relieved.  I didn't even mind him yelling at me for not coming back before dark.  One of the locals later explained to me that the sun sets really quickly there and that it can go from bright to dark in a matter of minutes.  Good to know...


Weddings usually bore me.  To me, it's like watching the same play over and over, just with different actors.  This one didn't, though.  It was beautiful and a tremendous amount of fun.  There were about 40 people in attendance and, even though I didn't know many people, I feel like I made a few friends there.  And A looked amazing in her dress.  Check out the back:

 

Soon after they took their vows, she kicked off her shoes and the party began.  We ate and drank and danced for hours.  I went to bed exhausted.

The party concluded with fireworks.  (I love fireworks).

Later in the week, we took a trip into the town for dinner at a local restaurant.  Whenever I travel, I like to eat where the locals eat.  Resort food is fine, but it usually caters to tourists and I always wonder if it's authentic.  By going into the neighborhoods where the people who live there live, I feel like I'm getting a tad bit closer to the culture.  The Conch Shack did not disappoint.  I even brought back a doggy-bag and had conch and rice & beans for breakfast the next day.  Yum.

It was a great week: beautiful, relaxing, and a lot of fun.  What's the best wedding you've been to?




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Making Valentine's Day Your Friend

Lots of single women dread Valentine’s Day. I would like to change that.

For too many single women, Valentine’s Day is a loud reminder that they have no man (or woman, in some cases) to love. It’s a loud reminder of their sad, lonely lives…even though most days their lives are not very sad and not that lonely. On Valentine’s Day it is. And the lead-up to it is fraught with anxiety because “whatever will she do” on this day when couples all over the country are celebrating? (Even though that isn’t really happening).

When I was a kid, I loved Valentine’s Day. I got such a kick out of giving out Valentine’s Day cards with big red hearts to all the people who made me happy. I gave them to my parents, my teachers, favorite classmates, my playmates, even the mailman. Back then Valentine’s Day was fun, and it was an excuse to tell the people who make you happy how much they mean to you. Romance had nothing to do with it. I was 10.

Since I started this blog, I’ve received lots of emails from single women expressing angst about Valentine’s Day. It seems to be even more anxiety –provoking than New Year’s Eve. We need to change that.

Just like the long Christmas season has become less religious (for many) and more of a good excuse excuse to (re)connect with people, Valentine’s Day can be less about romance and become an opportunity to remind people or tell them for the first time that you like them…enjoy them…they matter to you.

When I’m not in a relationship on Valentine’s Day, I like to have a fun dinner with people who make me laugh. Not a gloomy, woeful dinner with whiny people who are miserable about being single, but interesting and delightful people who happen to be single…single for now or for forever.

And this is what I recommend for everybody. Let’s reclaim Valentine’s Day and experience it the way we did when we were kids by injecting some lightheartedness into this day so fraught with emotion. Buy a pack of Valentine’s Day cards and give them to anybody and everybody you want. Get together with good people and enjoy yourself and each other. Let’s make Valentine’s Day about love and luv, not just romance…love of great people in your life…love of laughter…love of life. And you don’t need a date for that! Plus, it's fun and will feel real good!



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Location:Grace Bay,Turks and Caicos Islands

The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone

As long as I've been an adult, I've loved living alone.  I got my first apartment shortly after college.  It was a cute little studio apartment that had very little furniture: a bed frame and mattress, a table set, and a tv that sat on milk crates.  It was like heaven to me.

I've had roommates twice in my life.  Shortly after I moved to NYC, while adjusting to rental market sticker shock, I decided a roommate was one way to manage the expense of this wonderful city.  One roommate was a woman who was a bit of a nut, the other a woman who was perfectly normal.  Even though it was pleasant enough rooming with the normal one --even fun sometimes-- I couldn't wait to get my own place again.

I'm sure my love for living alone is one of the reasons marriage had so little appeal to me.  I'm not a hermit by any means, but no matter who you are, at some point I want you to go home.  I've posted about this a few times:

• I Love You, Now Please Go Home 
• Why Monday Is My Favorite Day 
• A Room Of My Own

And now, I'm delighted to learn that, not only is my love for solo living perfectly normal, it's now becoming close to the norm.  There's a new book by Eric Klinenberg called "Going Solo:  The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone".  It's about the recent sharp increase in the number of people who live alone…and it offers surprising insights on the benefits.  (These insights are actually not surprising to me, but I'm sure they are to many).

Did you know:

• In 1950, only 10% of American adults were single.  Today, more than 50% are single, and 31 million, roughly 1 in 7 adults, live alone.  

• People who live alone make up 28% of all U.S. households, which makes living alone more common than any other domestic unit…including the nuclear family.

I don't know why this is happening, but it's nice for someone to "come out of the closet" about this.  I still occasionally come across people who think living alone is not normal.  Some think it's really not such a good thing.  And though it may not be a good thing for some, it's really good for me.

According to Eric:  "Though conventional wisdom tells us that living by oneself leads to loneliness and isolation, this book shows that most solo dwellers are deeply engaged in social and civic life.  In fact, compared with their married counterparts, they are more likely to eat out, exercise, go to art and music classes, attend public events and lectures, and do volunteer work.  There's even evidence that people who live along enjoy better mental health than unmarried people who live with others.  And they have more environmentally sustainable lifestyles than families because they are more likely to live in urban apartments rather than large suburban homes".

The book goes into lots of detail supported by statistics, original data, and vivid portraits of people who live alone.  I love that this book is helping to dispel the myth that living alone is for losers.  Thanks, Eric!

And what about you?  How do/did you feel about living alone?  I know it's not for everybody (nothing is), so how is/was it for you?


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Well, If You Must Date Online, At Least Be Safe

A few months ago, I wrote a post about Why I'm Done With Online Dating. There just came a time when the nice, interesting guys were in lower supply than the weirdos and the half-truths.

But I have a lot of friends and readers who do still do online dating, so when I received this note from AVG Technologies about how to date online safely, I decided to run it.

Valentine’s Day is coming soon and I know that traffic on online sites often jumps around this time, as unattached people are reminded that they don't have a Valentine's Day date. Online dating sites can be a great good way to meet new people, but as always in the world of online dating - there are guidelines that can help attract the right people, as well as precautions that you should consider so that things don't get funky.




I don't want to scare anybody, but it certainly can't hurt to be smart(er) about getting together with --what are essentially-- strangers. In order to eliminate the guesswork and leave more time for first impressions, the online safety experts at AVG Technologies have assembled a list of easy DOs and DON’Ts for any online-dater:

DON’T forget that despite how charming an individual may appear in self-descriptions and direct messages, he or she is still a stranger. Never give out any identifiable information that could allow someone to track your whereabouts like a home address or work telephone.

DO take the time to do your research. A few Google searches doesn’t make you a stalker, and can be helpful in identifying some red flags that you’d rather not discover in person.

DON’T be afraid to share your social media presence with potential dates. Sites like Facebook and Twitter work to paint a more accurate picture of your overall personality. Sharing this content early-on can make for a more comfortable experience overall. Also, be cautious of those that don’t appear elsewhere online. (C’mon its 2012).

DO make a plan. If you are going to meet in-person with someone that you’ve connected with online, make sure it is in a public place that you are familiar with. Consider telling a friend who can help if you need an easy-out. “Oh, hey favorite sister! What do you mean your car just broke down and you need my help?”

DON’T move too quickly. Even if the chemistry is right and there appears to be a connection, don’t forget that you’ve just met this person. Take the time to completely get to know someone before loaning money, inviting into your home, introducing your kids or opening a joint checking account.

Remember, always trust your instinct. If a person appears too good to be true, or gives you a bad feeling then back off! (You can connect with AVG on Facebook for more tips on keeping safe while online.)

I haven't had any dangerous encounters as a result of online dating...although I almost created one: it was the married man who asked me for a loan :-). Anyway, date away...be smart...be safe...have fun!



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And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!







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