To Sex -or- Not To Sex?

As I’m writing this, I’m a little amused that my girlfriends and I are still discussing when to have sex with a new guy. But the other night, I had a long conversation with a good friend who was near tears because the man she slept with a couple of weeks ago has not called since. Yep, at this age we’re still having this conversation.

I have this conversation quite a bit and for some reason, I’m usually the one giving the advice. I say “for some reason,” but I actually know the reason: I’ve been single all my life, am good at dating, and I feel like I’ve got this aspect of dating all figured out. There are other parts of dating life that I don’t always get—like the way men want you to need them but don’t want you to be needy—but this one I do. So I’m going to take this opportunity to share with the many single women out there what I know about how to make the decision to roll around naked with the New Guy for the first time.

That’s right. A decision tree, for this not-usually-rational decision. When you have to make an important decision at work, you generally think about it ahead of time and seriously weigh the different outcomes. You don’t decide at the last minute. This decision should be no different.

Here’s a scenario. You’re at a bar/party/conference/car wash/restaurant…wherever. You and “Scott” strike up a conversation and seem to hit it off. There’s lots of laughing, flirting, and witty conversation. At some point it becomes clear to both of you that you may want to dial things up a bit, either right now or very soon.

The “sex too soon” thing is something that only women grapple with. I’ve never heard a guy wonder how “when to have sex” will impact the relationship-that-is-yet-to-be. But the world’s not fair—we already know that. Follow my advice, though, and it should help you avoid getting your feelings hurt.

The thought process is not a straight line, though. It’s more of a schematic. So pay attention, and be honest with yourself.

The first thing to ask yourself is: “What do I want from this guy?” (Caution: if you’re feeling really lonely, you probably should skip this exercise completely. Sex-because-you’re-lonely will probably make you feel even lonelier afterwards).

Once you decide what you want, you can decide your next course of action. 

This is by no means foolproof. But I think it’s a pretty reasonable facsimile of the way things shake out much of the time. Go ahead and do your thing . . . and let me know if it works for you.

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This and other fun posts are also available at  Women's Voices for Change

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Why Monday is My Favorite Day

I neatened up my apartment on Sunday because I was having some friends over for brunch.  As I was waiting for them to arrive I looked around and was struck by how nice everything looked!  Why is that a surprise, you might ask?  Because my apartment is usually a mess.  I live alone, and so having everything I've touched in the past week strewn about the
apartment doesn't bother me.  Emptied wine glasses and the leftover bottles, the magazine I'm reading, the shoes I wore to work, my underwear, the files I brought home from work, the skirt I need to take to the cleaners...they're all right there where I last touched them.  It's all my stuff so it's not in anybody's way.

If this stuff belonged to someone else and he expected me to live amid his mess, I'd be pissed.  And I assume he would be equally annoyed.  The beauty is that it doesn't matter because it's all mine and I don't mind it at all.

It's funny;  I actually have a decent-looking place when it's all neat and clean so I don't know why I don't keep it that way.  That's not true; I do know why.  I can't be bothered.  I think being single and living alone has allowed me to have this elongated sophomoric existence where I'm still living like a college student in some ways.

Which is why I love Mondays.  My housekeeper comes on Mondays.  I love coming home from work on Mondays. I can smell the Lemon Pledge (or whatever that lemony smell is) as soon as I open the door.  The place looks good and smells good, it's all shiny and bright, and everything in its place.  I'm thinking: it looks so good in here.  I wish it could look like this all the time...without me having to do it. 

One of my ex-es used to complain constantly about my messy apartment. I would think to myself: "then why do you keep coming here?"   I felt like he should deal with it or we could just go to his place.  Eventually I got rid of him.  That's not the reason, but it was related to his constant complaining about things big and small.  Once I sent him to his nice-and-neat apartment, permanently, he couldn't stop asking to come back.  Suddenly my mess wasn't such an issue for him.

Anyway, here I am, still not keeping the place as tidy as I should.  I wonder if this can be blamed on Living Single...or am I just a slob?


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Adult Kids as Babysitters?

While walking to work the other morning, I passed by WEtv studio, home of the new   "Joan Knows Best"  show.   There was a huge billboard and a slew of young women passing out leaflets promoting the show about Joan Rivers moving in with her daughter, Melissa.

When I heard the premise of the show, I was stumped.  Why in the world was Joan moving in?  If she was doing it purely for showbiz reasons, I guess I get it (kinda) but it still seemed ridiculous. 

When I think of a parent moving in with an adult child, I assume it's because one of them needs major help with something.  Say, adult child has triplets and mom's moving in to lend a hand.  Or mom doesn't have sufficient retirement savings and is broke.  Or one of them has a serious health issue. But none of these scenarios seemed to be the case here.

Joan and Melissa have more than a truckload of money, so I know they could afford however many nannies or nurses they need.  And they live in pretty amazing spaces so I know they're not broke; they could sell  2/3 of their stuff and still live more fancily than most of us.  So it's not about the money.  

So why in the world is Joan moving in with Melissa, her 10-year old son, and her boyfriend??  Then, it dawned on me:  Joan is lonely. 

Being a celebrity is hard...so I hear.  And so says Joan in her recent documentary, A Piece of Work.  It's common sense, really: all the fame and fortune in the world can't keep you from being lonely.  So Joan is killing two birds with one stone:  moving in with her daughter and grandson --her best friends and only real family--  and filming it for a money-making reality show.  Pretty smart, I'd say.

Then, it got me to thinking:  What poor soul will I force myself on when I'm old and lonely?  If I ever tire of living alone, will I be able to come up with a clever ruse that will allow me to move in with somebody?  Damn, maybe I should have had a kid. 

That last line is a joke.  If I had had a kid, I wouldn't be able to move in with her.  I wouldn't be able to move in with her because we wouldn't be on speaking terms or I'd be in the insane asylum or one of us would be in jail for doing something bad to the other. See, I believe you should only have kids if you really want them and I never really did, so I probably wouldn't have been good at it.  It could've ended badly.  So...I need to come up with another plan for my old age. 

I'm thinking, I'm thinking...



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Where Do Old Broads Hang Out??

Last Saturday night, I found myself prowling the streets in search of food, drink, fun, and maybe even a guy.  I wasn't alone, but my dear friend, Nameless, who was with me hated it so much she won't allow me to use her name...not even her initials.   Here's what happened.   I invited her to a comedy show where a guy I knew was performing.  However, I screwed up the details and so we found ourselves all dressed up with nowhere to go.   Actually, we weren't all dressed up; we were dressed pretty casually.  If we had been all dressed up, we would have had more options.

Anyway, we tried to think of where we could go for a little fun, but we had a few criteria: good food, good drinks, inviting atmosphere, and a few grown-up guys we could flirt with without feeling like pedophiles.   There are tons of places in NYC that fit the first few criteria, but the last one is what stumped us. 

We weren't dressed cute enough to go to a few of the fancy places we thought of and I was sure that, if we tried, they'd hand us an apron and tray instead of directing us to the bar.   So, we thought of a few second-tier locales, but when we got to each of them it was a let-down: no grown men inside and not a lot of fun going on.  After the 4th or 5th place, we were starting to weary.  Plus it was cold!

So here's the question: where do grown-ups hang out?   Where can women of a certain age who are looking for a little action find men of a certain age?   We're not going to the club.  Those days are done.  So where? It's wintertime so we must be especially strategic because desirable people aren't just out-and-about in this weather.   The relationship I was in ended recently and so I'm back on the block, hoping to stumble across a gentleman who wants to spend a little time in my Spinsterlicious company.  When I was young(er), this hunt was fun.  That night, it felt ridiculous.  Which is why Nameless insists on remaining that way. 

I think I'm going to make that my new mission: finding respectable places where I'm not embarrassed to be seen standing at the bar, flirting with the fellas (older fellas, not young'uns), and having a laugh.  I'm just not sure where that place is...but I intend to find out!  I'm open to all suggestions; tell me what you know!


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But I Don't Wanna Be a Scorpio!

Drawing Courtesy of 2011horoscopeastrology.wordpress.com

I know you all have seen the recent hoopla about the re-jiggering of the zodiac signs due to something having to do with the rotation of the Earth's axis (or something like that), and resulting in the addition of a 13th sign, Ophiuchus.  I can't even pronounce that so, fortunately, this has turned out to be much ado about nothing...not really true...so we can all calm down.   And thank goodness, because this would have caused the changing of my sign from Sagittarius to Scorpio, and the complete uprooting of my sense of self. 


According to horoscope philosophy, Sagittarians love adventure, travel, and philosophy and that describes me to a "T".   Travel is my passion and I want to go everywhere.  I've also been known to drive more than a few people crazy with my desire to over-analyze and re-analyze just about anything.   And we are independent...sometimes to a fault.  When I was younger (and dumber) I had a hard time asking for help, even when I didn't know WTF I was doing.   I really needed to figure it out by myself.   Fortunately I outgrew that.   Now, I'm willing to let just about anybody do just about anything for me so I don't have to do it myself.    A complete 180.   Interestingly, I have a book that analyzes horoscopes by the day.   It says that people born on my birthday rarely get married (!) due, at least in part, to a streak of independence that is so ridiculously fierce that they can't figure out how to include someone else. 

 
Sagittarians are known to be good, honest people , but are often looked upon as being socially awkward because they are too darn blunt for their own good (or for anyone else's).   Foot-in-mouth disease is something many of us suffer with because we have a tendency to say what we're thinking before we run it through the mind's filter of "maybe you should just hold off".   I've relied on my zodiac sign many times to excuse my bad behavior because "I can't help it, it was ordained by the stars!"

So, when I first read this news that my new zodiac sign would be Scorpio, I wasn't happy.   Scorpios are known for being intense, powerful, and passionate, but also secretive.   I don't like secretive people, and I find intense people too...well, intense.   Was I now going to have to become the kind of person I don't even like?   How was that supposed to work?

Fortunately, before I spent too much time figuring out my new personality, a new spate of news told us all to "relax, you're the same zodiac sign you've always been".  So I'm back to being the same old independent, too blunt (but hopefully less so) soul I've always been..and I'm just delighted about that.   (Just imagine how this would have turned my world upside down if I actually believed in astrology!)

 
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A Much Smarter Divorcee

What does Phyllis B --hot divorcee-about-town and my big sister-- know now, that she wishes she knew before she got married...and divorced?

In her own words: 

The days of Married and Single. The days of wine and roses, what to choose, which is better, who really knows?   My plight is I always want to have the husband, children, dog, cat, white picket fence...yeah I wanted it all, but got hardly any of it.  I did not do my homework first, did not think it all the way thru...or could just blame it on my Mother; she did not tell me what it was all about.


I married a guy who was older and I thought he was really cool.  He was a sharp dresser and, for some stupid reason, that meant a lot to me.  He actually had a reputation about that.  After we had started dating, I excitedly told a male friend that I was dating him and his response was “Oh he’s the guy who won’t hug a girl because it might wrinkle his shirt.”  Well, he had my husband-to-be pegged just right.   He was a Good-time-Charlie, a Sport as we said in those days.  Little did I know the adverse affect this behavior would have on our relationship and our marriage.
 

I married him 6 years later and the first 5 were happy, I think.  I just wanted to be with him, he was well-known and well-liked, and lots of people probably thought he was cool because he was always at the bar treating people to drinks.  But one day I told him that we needed a new dining room set, and he told me we could not afford it.  Well the nerve!    And that’s pretty much how the marriage went.  Every time I mentioned a need for the home base, it was "no", but on the party scene it was Free for All. 


I went along with this in the early years because, did I mention he was handsome and a sharp dresser?   This eventually grew old, though.  The older I got, the more I realized this was just crazy.  He was also a gambler.  It was nothing for him to come home and tell me he did not have money for the mortgage or the other necessities that go along with maintaining a home because he had lost at the crap table.   At first, happy in love, I paid his part and mine too.  It took a while but I finally realized this was not the life I wanted or deserved.  There was surely something better.  Eventually, I told him I did not want to be married anymore.  A year prior, I wrote him a letter explaining all the things that were wrong with the marriage and what needed work.  He totally ignored it, so I went forth with my plan.  A year after the breakup he responded to the letter and was very sad and apologetic.  Ha!.
  

I ended the marriage after 17 years.  At one point, my sister asked what was I waiting for to end it and I said “for the other shoe to fall”.  She said “well how many feet does the MF have?”  (Laughter!)  I knew my heart and mind would let me know when the time was right and one day while driving to work I saw a bright light --honest-- and that was the sign.   I filed for divorce and was finally relieved of the financial and emotional  hardship he had put on me. 


I have said often that I am glad I had the courage to end the marriage or I would have missed out on some real fun, more love, and being treated the way a woman is supposed to be treated.  Following the divorce, I met and had two  really good relationships with men who treated me like a princess, wined and dined me, bought me nice and expensive gifts, took me on travel and we had really good sex.  This is getting really personal, but with one guy after the sex was over, for hours and into days, I would still have somewhat  of an orgasm just thinking about it.  I swear!  The sad thing is neither relationship ended in marriage (longer story) but I don’t regret the experiences or time spent.
 

So, interestingly, I did love being married,  but was negligent in not being specific in what I wanted and desired in a man.  I liked the partnership of marriage, the titles "my husband, his wife",   someone to come home to and coming home to someone,  having a permanent date, and a man’s protection.  What I forgot to look for and what was missing from my marriage was someone who was financially and emotionally responsible, who had his  priorities right, was  handy around the house, and a loving and caring partner.   Instead I got caught up in appearances and enjoyed and looked forward to the party life.  Every week we were dressing up and out on the town.  At a young age this was fun, but now I know better. 

I am still looking for that man but only half-heartedly.  I sometimes think maybe I am too old and too set in my ways.

 
I (Eleanore) wonder if that's true.  I'm hoping we're never too set in our ways to find another love...are we? 



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Divorcee, as Status

Many years ago I worked with a woman who was also a Spinster.  She seemed to have quite an interesting life, with lots of romances and the jewelry to prove it.  I wouldn't have done it quite the way she did because in most cases she was an "important" man's mistress and that's not my thing.  Still, she had lots of great stories and it seemed to work for her. 

Or at least I thought it did.  One day while listening to one of her many stories, she gave me a bit of advice that I found startling, especially coming from her.  She told me that I should "just find someone...anyone, and marry him".  It didn't really matter if I loved him or even stayed with him for very long.  In fact, staying was beside the point.  In her view, being divorced gives a woman a higher status in society than never having been married.

In her immortal words:  It's better to be a has-been than a never-was!  I love the line and think it's probably true for most people.  What do y'all think?



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Spinsterlicious Shoe of the Week: Prelude to a New Mood

I left work the other day, exhausted.  We've been super-busy for awhile and working late and then collapsing into bed was starting to become my norm and I'm not at all happy about that.  Every weekday should have a distinct cut-off period when work is done for the day, followed by several hours of "whatever I want", before turning in for the night.  


 I haven't been having a lot of "whatever I want" after work lately.  I'm even starting to wonder if this is how hypertension starts. I know it's stress-related and if the stress level is high without a sufficient recovery period, this could be bad.  I might sue.

Anyway, I decided the other day that I wanted to break this routine.  I never, ever go out drinking alone but on this day I decided to stop somewhere for a glass of wine, kind of as a treat to myself and kind of as a way of declaring the end of endless workdays.  

I had on new shoes and liked the outfit I was wearing, and I think that helped gear me up to go out and become the kind of woman who drinks alone in public.  I went to Nobu because they have a lively bar scene, which is what I was looking for.  Shortly after I arrived, two guys struck up a conversation with me.   I was wearing heather grey tights
with these shoes, tights that were the same color as the upper portion of the shoe.  The uniformity in color made my legs look really long.  In fact, one of the guys I was chatting with commented that my legs looked "a mile long" (and also that, when I stood up, I wasn't as tall as he expected.  It was just an observation, not a complaint). 

Anyway, we chatted for about 45 minutes, while they waited for a table and I savored a glass of Malbec. They treated me to a glass of sake, that I wasn't able to finish but was glad to sip on. They were fun and the combination of the atmosphere, the drink, and the engaging conversation totally changed my mood.  It started with the shoes, though, because if I hadn't liked what I was wearing I might have gone straight home from work.  And that's why these are my Spinsterlicious Shoe of the Week.  (Probably more like a Spinsterlicious "Office" Shoe, but whatever...)

If you have a Spinsterlicious Shoe story you want to share, please write me at eleanore@TheSpinsterliciousLife.com

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to do it again.  Sorry...and Thanks)

The Break-up Text (Also Known As -"Yeah, I'm a Punk")

Photo: Courtesy buzzstoc.com

There was a Sex in the City episode a few years ago where Berger broke up with Carrie by Post-it Note.  That is, rather than telling her to her face that he wanted out of the relationship, he wrote it on a Post-it Note and left it for her to find the next morning after he'd left.   Everybody --on the show and in real life-- agreed it was a pretty lousy move. (Everybody = women).

Of course, that show was television and not real life (though it certainly felt like it from time to time).  Recently, though, my friend Lana's boyfriend broke up with her via text message.  (And, no, he's not twelve).  It's Berger and Carrie, 2010; the technological equivalent of the Post-it Note breakup.   This guy, too, didn't have the balls to "man up" and tell Lana he didn't think the relationship was working out. 

This is what I wonder about: what is the conversation a grown man has with himself that allows him to be convinced that ending a relationship by text message is acceptable?   I'm thinking he must feel pretty sheepish...but maybe not.   Lana was, of course, stunned that he chose this method to break-up.  Technology can be efficient and practical...and cold.  Break-up texts are definitely cold. 


When she told me, I was disgusted, but not completely surprised.    A few years ago, I took the time to write a thoughtful, heartfelt letter to a guy I was seeing to explain why the relationship wasn't working for me.   I used my personal stationary, put a stamp on it, and mailed it the old-fashioned way.   He responded by text message (a rather incoherent one, at that).  I remember thinking "what a jackass".  The good thing about it, though, is that it reinforced how right I was to get out.

After talking with a few others, I learned that this isn't as uncommon as it should be.  See what you started, Berger?   Apparently there are lots of men who leave relationships this way.  Isn't this how Kelsey Grammer told his soon-to-be-ex-wife that he wanted a divorce?  Or was it by email?  Same difference.  What is up with these chickensh*# men?  Is a phone call just too hard?


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Married? Spinsterlicious? Simply Single? Decisions,Decisions.

There was an article by Tara Parker-Pope in Sunday's (1/2/11) New York Times about how marriage is changing.   From time immemorial, married folks stayed together for reasons that had nothing to do with being happy.   Apparently, people were more likely to stay together for reasons having to do with religion, the kids, societal/familial pressures...or just plain inertia.   But that's changing.   According to Parker-Pope, people now want a marriage where the relationship is meaningful and satisfying.   I say "now" but maybe that's what most have always wanted.  The difference is that it's now of paramount importance -vs.- a nice-to-have. 


In 2010, there were a multitude of conversations about "being married" and "being single": discussions in newspapers and magazines, on television news and talk shows, online, and in personal conversations.   This is new.   Marriage used to be assumed; it's wahat grown-ups did.   I don't quite know what all these conversations mean, but it got me to thinking (again): My Life - Married vs Single? 

Drawing Courtesy of brideinsight.com

It's a new year and a time where we're prone to self-reflection.   So I thought it might be interesing, fun, and/or thought-provoking to consider this and have you join me:  My life now -and- my life as it might have been had I gotten married (and for you married ladies, the opposite).  Fill in the blanks.  I'll go first:


By Being Single...I've had the freedom to do pretty much whatever I wanted without having to consider how it would impact someone else's life

If I Was Married...my handsome, caring, and wise husband would have made all the tough decisions for me (car stuff, mortgage stuff, contractor stuff, and when to take me off the ventilator)

Now... your turn.  Fill in the blanks.

If you're single (including divorced)
By Being Single...       -and-      If I Was Married...


If you're married
By Being Married...    -and-  If I Was Single...


Be smart, funny, snarky, provocative, light-hearted; your choice.  Please keep each to a sentence or two, though; no long solioquies.  That's the challenge.


Come on:  I wanna hear from everybody!


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