Her Husband, The Jerk

Last weekend I went to a dear friend's birthday party. It was held in her big, fabulous house in the suburbs.  It being in the suburbs is relevant only because that's where I'm most likely to find parties made up of all couples...and me. Actually there were two other single women there, but we were a mere blip amongst the 20 or so couples. Or maybe we weren't a blip; maybe it was more like a beacon.

Shortly after I arrived, a guy approached me. He was handsome and smiling and I thought, "Oh, birthday girl invited a single guy for me.  How nice."  We chatted for quite awhile, flirting a bit, and laughing about his day and mine, and various and sundry life events. He was especially interested in my book, The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree, and asked lots of questions about my experiences as a single woman.

Then, his WIFE wandered over.   I guess he forgot to mention her.  At no time in our lengthy conversation did he mention a wife...or his kids. It didn't even occur to me to ask if he was married because surely a married man wouldn't monopolize my time so blatantly, right?  Silly me.


What's worse is that Wife is a woman with whom I am friendly. Awkward. The three of us chatted for a few more minutes and then I excused myself.  Brazenly, he continued to show up wherever I happened to be.  He clearly saw no reason for us not to continue interacting...though I did. I wasn't interested in spending lots of time with my friend's husband.  I was conscious of how it might feel to her and look to others. So I avoided him.  Or tried to.

On the dance floor, I felt someone come up behind me, grab my waist and grind his pelvis into my backside. I turned around, shocked to see it was Douchebag Husband!

 

I'm still pissed at myself for only pushing him away and moving to another part of the dance floor. Here's what I wished  I'd done:  Slapped him. Yelled "WTF are you doing?" Snatched him by his collar and said "How dare you touch me that way!"  Any one of those would have me feeling better right now.  But I did none of those because I knew what followed would have changed the tone of the evening. I didn't want to make a scene at my friend's birthday party. I didn't want to embarrass his wife. And I was also cognizant of the fact that this very thing is the reason lots of married women don't want single women in the social mix: we cause trouble...even when it's not our fault.  We are the dreaded femme fatales.

And I really do believe it was my being single that made him think he could behave that way with me. If he had been interested in one of the married women at the party, I truly think he would have approached her differently. Like many men, he apparently thinks a single woman is desperate...and perhaps a little loose... and would welcome a blatantly and inappropriately sexual move.

And at that moment I also realized why his wife --a lovely women-- drinks so much. And she's a sad drunk. And clearly she has reason to be.

It'll be interesting what happens the next time I see him.  How do you think I should handle it?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree--  is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

How Many Ways to Be Single? (A Guest Post)

Lately, my dear friend, Debra, has been thinking a lot about the many single women she knows, the ways they are single (e.g., never married, divorced, single moms) and what it all means.   Here, let her tell you...

In her own words:


Last week two very similar things happened virtually simultaneously. While talking on the phone to a woman who was recently singled-by-divorce, I was reading Eleanore’s Facebook post. Yes, that’s right, the Eleanore, queen of I’ve-got-this-single-thing-on-a-leash. Her post referenced spending time and chumming it up with two distinct groups of her friends: happily married women and [by inference] very-comfortable-in-my-skin single women. 


Based on the painful conversation I was having, I was struck by the notion that there are many states of singlehood. As a never-been-married, single parent of an adult daughter, I embrace my life as my life. Yes, over the years I have pondered the reality of why my road forked onto the path of perpetual singleness. Yes, over the years I have, and occasionally still do, long for that ever-evolving storybook marriage. 


However, the truth is most marriages that I have witnessed, well, let’s just say they have left me far less interested in a marriage than a very healthy relationship. Yes, I do on occasion happen upon one of those magical marriages that give true substance and validation to: “happily ever after”. Given an option, yes, I would take such a marriage. At any rate, I said all of that to say that I fall into the category of Eleanore’s very-comfortable-in-my-skin single friends. 


Interestingly, the general twist with being a long-term single woman is often less than flattering. That is most unfortunate, as it negates substantive reality. Run the numbers, i.e., how many happy, healthy marriages does one personally encounter in life? (And for those marriages, I simply desire to grab popcorn and something to drink while gazing with stars in my eyes and heart at a man being a man/gentleman and a woman being a woman/lady unto each other. Humph, that just lights up my heart. It is akin to living art, a masterpiece. It is spiritually enriching. It boasts of beauty without even trying. I become in love with love. 


Just thinking about it reminds me of an inquiry from friend a number of years ago. We were at a concert sitting next to a couple who were so loving and comfortable with their love for each other that they enfolded us into their evening with an incredible lovingkindness that left my friend asking: “Debbie, is it possible to be in love with a couple?”  If so, then we were ready to commit that relationship. In reality, it simply spoke to the loving relationship that we would gladly have welcomed into our own lives.  


Okay, that’s enough about me, as mine is the common vanilla single lifestyle: life is what is and mine is to play the hand I have by valuing the trump cards I possess. Ironically, this is the general posture of single women who wake up every day walking it out in flats or stilettos. What I have come to realize is that this group of single women, unknowingly, model being single to a group of women who are literally locked in a prison of time and space that was intended to be a loving marriage. Looking through the bars of their lives, they see women (married and single) going about their business making things happen, being happy, being fulfilled and fulfilling others. 

This is where my phone call with the singled-by-divorce woman and Eleanore’s prepping for fun with friends weekend come into play. The woman on the other end of the phone gave me an immediate realization that healthy singlehood is a process. Transitioning from being in a “prisonous” marriage into an emotionally healthy single person takes time, support, growth, and yes, some spiritual maturity. After all, it is not possible for one to be the same woman pre-marriage as post-marriage. It will take time to get to “know” oneself unto oneself, and others per this newly evolving self. 


My conversations with the recently singled-by-divorce woman are always awkward for me. Her frame of reference to relationships is unmoored to anything beyond her seeming random imaginings of singlehood. I listen with the challenging awareness being singled-by-divorce is just one step. There are so, so many more along the road to getting to know oneself anew so that one can learn to love oneself.  Being Single 101.


So...do you think the way you became single impacts the way you experience single-dom?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Wedding Survival Tips

I'm wasting a perfectly good Saturday this weekend to attend a wedding.  I always have such mixed feelings about these things.  The bride and groom are good friends of mine and I'm happy they've found each other (a Match.com success story), but weddings usually bore me:  it's like watching the same play over and over, just with different actors.  Of course there are moments of happiness, laughter, fun, and good food and drink, but it's spread over way too many hours of "not much".  I usually spend some of that time pondering ways to shorten a wedding and reception, start-to-finish, to 2-3 hours.  Most wedding events take twice that amount of time, during which I try hard to remain social while really wanting to tiptoe out…without being rude.

My "date" for this wedding is a good Spinsterlicious friend of mine.  Together, we'll figure out a way to make it fun.

The one thing I want to commend the bride on is that I, a single woman, was allowed to bring a guest.  Huge kudos to her because so many people don't extend this courtesy to single people and it annoys the heck out of me.  So much so that I've turned down some wedding invitations when I didn't want to go alone.  Other times, I've left early because I'm just not that good at working the room by myself and I no longer feel like I have to try, if I don't want to.

So it was really timely when someone sent me a link to this article by Meredith Goldstein in the Washington Post called Twelve Tips for Singles at Weddings.    The author gets it. I think her tips are smart.  Except for #11.  I think she must've been drinking when she wrote that one.

Anyway, here's a truncated, sometimes paraphrased,  version of her list.

1.  If you have to travel out of town, stay with the group.  Stay where other people are staying so that it's easy to be included in the pre- and post-wedding activities.

2.  Eat.  Enjoy the cake.  Don't deny yourself.

3.  If you're traveling, don't be cheap. Treat yourself to your own room.  Make it into a mini-vacation.

4. Show up in pictures.  You're part of the moment, so make it known.  Remember to look cute.

5. Table hop. She says to find a new table if you don't like the one you're at.  I love this one.  I'm sure some brides or whoever did the seating might not approve…but so what.  The should have set me with "better" people.

6.  Help.  Give yourself something to do, if you're feeling aimless or losing your mind.  Something like taking pictures or volunteering to lend a hand to someone who needs it.  I think this is a good idea…but one I'm likely not to do.  I'm not usually looking for work.

7.  Take in the sights.  Again, if you're traveling, treat it like a mini-vacation; build in some fun.  If there's something interesting nearby --a park, restaurant, cultural event-- take advantage of it.

8. Don't overthink it. The wedding doesn't mean anything about your life and where you should be.  I love this one, and it's great to be reminded.  I think we sometimes bring our own baggage/issues…unnecessarily.

9.  Try a new outfit.  It might be fun to try out a new look, especially if you don't know a lot of people in attendance.

10.  Ask one person to dance.  Or more than one. Be bold. Pretend you're at a club.

11. Play with the kids.  This is the one where I think she's a little nuts, but that's just me.  I'm not even thinking about doing this one.

12.  Get yourself adopted.  Make a friend or two--even if it's a couple-- and hang out with them.  More than one person is almost always more fun than being by yourself in this situation.

You can read her whole article, here.

Do you have any wedding-survival tips for Singles that you can add to this list?  Please share...

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Two Weekends in a Spinsterlicious Life

Oh, the Spinsterlicious Life.  It's a mixture of all things good and interesting in life...and delightful juxtapositions.

Weekend #1
Last weekend, I spent some time with three fab single ladies and it was just refreshing to see each of them doing their own thing, having crafted pretty nice lives for themselves.  I see this all the time so it still befuddles me when I hear people question how a single woman could be happy and pretty satisfied with her life, as is.  These girls have it going on!

Spinster # 1 is actually not a spinster because she's divorced…so I've made her an honorary spinster.  She had us all laughing as she talked about how much fun she's having renovating her new place, post-divorce.  Her last renovation --during the marriage-- was fraught with tension and stress as she and the then-hubby struggled over every last detail, trying to find a solution that satisfied them both.  Sometimes they ended up with a compromise that only half-satisfied either one of them.  This time, she's doing her place exactly the way she wants it and she loves it.

Spinster #2 has a pretty cool job in the entertainment field and regaled us with stories  about her travels and the behaviors of nutty, demanding celebrities.  She also told us about being invited, recently,  to a friend's dinner party with four other couples.  She was the only single-ista.  They decided to play a game that only couples could play.  It didn't occur to anyone that maybe this wasn't so nice.  Don't they know any other games?

Spinster #2's story reminded me of attending a wedding and being seated at the Singles table instead of being seated with my married friends (the only other people I knew at the wedding.)  The singles were all college kids who I didn't know.  I can't figure out why it didn't occur to someone that there might be a better solution.  I know; someone I mentioned this to said there's not always a place to seat one person.  I say b.s. to that.  You can add or remove another chair at any table if it comes to that.  It's your wedding; you can do what you want.

Spinster #3 quit her corporate job and started doing her own thing…and she loves it. She makes less money than she used to, but she doesn't care.  (Having a rich-ish boyfriend helps).  She has what I consider to be the perfect "arrangement".  She has a great boyfriend who accepts that she loves and wants him, but is not interested in marriage and kids.  So they live apart; they spend lots of time together traveling and doing other normal couple things, then they go home to their respective places.  I want her life.  (I exaggerate when I say "I want her life".  What I really love is her boyfriend situation.  "Hi, honey.  Bye, honey.")

Spinster #4 is me.  I just got back from the graduation ceremony of a delightful young woman I've mentored for a few years.  I'm so proud of her and get to revel in her successes…without having to raise her!  Just like the boyfriend situation, it's good to spend time with her (and him)…and then send her (and him) home!  This reminds me that one of the commenters on a post I recently wrote said to me, angrily,  "Quit whining. Being single is easy."  I guess he's right in many ways.  I like easy.

Weekend #2
This weekend is Memorial Day weekend, the unofficial kick-off to summer in the U.S.  To celebrate, I invited two of my closest friends for the weekend to jumpstart the season.  In my fantasy-head, it would be just like the old days, when we were free-single-and-21.  Except we're not.  I'm still free and single, but they're married with children.

I didn't have the nerve to say "leave the kids and spouses at home", so they're all coming. Even the dogs.  I say this mostly in jest:  I really love their families...though I am a little concerned about spending that much time with that many children...some of whom are teenagers.  Actually with that many people.  Since I live alone, the thought of being surrounded --sun up to sundown-- by eight people gives me a bit of agita.  I'm sure I'll be fine, and it'll be fun...but y'all should pray for me anyway.  Hopefully I don't end up on the news:  "Lady flips out over too many weekend guests."

But this is my Spinsterlicious life.  I have a full array of friends in a variety of situations and it works just fine.  As it should.  Happy Memorial Day, everybody.  And a special thanks to the troops who protect us...allowing me to spend my time pondering small things like my weekend activities, without having to worry about big, scary things like terrorism.

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

What's Wrong With Separate Bedrooms?

A couple of weeks ago I ruined an almost-date.  I was standing in line waiting to go into an event when a guy standing behind me, struck up a conversation.  We chatted for quite awhile and eventually got around to his divorce.  I don't recall the details but I do recall his look of horror when I said something about wanting separate bedrooms if I ever got married.  He thought that was a terrible idea.  I was pretty sure he was going to ask he out before I said that, but he didn't.  I'm not sure if my separate bedrooms idea is the reason he didn't ask me out, but I have learned that talking about the appeal of separate bedrooms can elicit some pretty strong reactions.  Maybe I should have waited.

Anyway, that scenario reminded me of a few years ago, when a guy I was dating brought up the subject of marriage.  I kind of had a panic attack which I blamed on feeling like I was catching the flu.  Once I calmed down (and was safely home), I called my friend, Benilde.  As we talked, I tried to envision what it might be like to be married to him and I remember saying to her, “at the very least, we would have to have separate bedrooms” (and I’m thinking to myself “maybe even on separate floors”.)    I would really need to have my own space. Lots of it.

Benilde was very much against that, telling me that sharing a bed was one of the most intimate parts of marriage…not in a sexual way, but in a pillow talk kind of way.  She said “Some of a couple’s most important conversations happen in bed.  You can’t sleep in separate rooms.”  So I thought “Eff it, then."  That was the only way this was going to happen.   I wasn’t giving the marriage  serious consideration anyway, but that little chat shut it all the way down.

Shortly after that, Oprah had a show with a perfectly lovely couple in their 30s (I’m guessing) who announced that they have a happy marriage…and separate bedrooms.  They have hidden this from most people because they didn’t want to be judged. People assume that if a couple is sleeping in separate rooms that there’s no sex and no joy.  For them, it is quite the opposite and they finally wanted to “come out of the closet” about their sleeping arrangements.  They are sure that having separate bedrooms has helped them  maintain a strong marriage.  I totally get that. 

Dr Phil, who was guesting on the show, was squarely in the Benilde camp.  He was sure that separate bedrooms are not a  good idea, for reasons similar to Benilde's.  Apparently not everybody agrees, though, because 1 in 4 U.S. couples have separate bedrooms.

And dig this:   60% of the new houses that are being built have two master bedrooms.  That means lots of married people are acknowledging (and acting on) what I've known for a long time: maybe separate bedrooms is just what some relationships need.    No restless nights because one partner snores, no fighting over the temperature in the room or whether there should be a TV in the bedroom (or whether it should be on while I'm trying to sleep).  And who cares if you throw your clothes on the floor because they're not on my floor.  And, really, isn't it just nice to have a room of one's own?

Fortunately, when my guy brought up marriage it dawned on me rather quickly that separate bedrooms wasn’t really what I would have needed…separate houses was more like it.  And I guess that would be a whole 'nother kind of problem.

What do you think of separate bedrooms for a couple?  Help –or- Hurt?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone

As long as I've been an adult, I've loved living alone.  I got my first apartment shortly after college.  It was a cute little studio apartment that had very little furniture: a bed frame and mattress, a table set, and a tv that sat on milk crates.  It was like heaven to me.

I've had roommates twice in my life.  Shortly after I moved to NYC, while adjusting to rental market sticker shock, I decided a roommate was one way to manage the expense of this wonderful city.  One roommate was a woman who was a bit of a nut, the other a woman who was perfectly normal.  Even though it was pleasant enough rooming with the normal one --even fun sometimes-- I couldn't wait to get my own place again.

I'm sure my love for living alone is one of the reasons marriage had so little appeal to me.  I'm not a hermit by any means, but no matter who you are, at some point I want you to go home.  I've posted about this a few times:

• I Love You, Now Please Go Home 
• Why Monday Is My Favorite Day 
• A Room Of My Own

And now, I'm delighted to learn that, not only is my love for solo living perfectly normal, it's now becoming close to the norm.  There's a new book by Eric Klinenberg called "Going Solo:  The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone".  It's about the recent sharp increase in the number of people who live alone…and it offers surprising insights on the benefits.  (These insights are actually not surprising to me, but I'm sure they are to many).

Did you know:

• In 1950, only 10% of American adults were single.  Today, more than 50% are single, and 31 million, roughly 1 in 7 adults, live alone.  

• People who live alone make up 28% of all U.S. households, which makes living alone more common than any other domestic unit…including the nuclear family.

I don't know why this is happening, but it's nice for someone to "come out of the closet" about this.  I still occasionally come across people who think living alone is not normal.  Some think it's really not such a good thing.  And though it may not be a good thing for some, it's really good for me.

According to Eric:  "Though conventional wisdom tells us that living by oneself leads to loneliness and isolation, this book shows that most solo dwellers are deeply engaged in social and civic life.  In fact, compared with their married counterparts, they are more likely to eat out, exercise, go to art and music classes, attend public events and lectures, and do volunteer work.  There's even evidence that people who live along enjoy better mental health than unmarried people who live with others.  And they have more environmentally sustainable lifestyles than families because they are more likely to live in urban apartments rather than large suburban homes".

The book goes into lots of detail supported by statistics, original data, and vivid portraits of people who live alone.  I love that this book is helping to dispel the myth that living alone is for losers.  Thanks, Eric!

And what about you?  How do/did you feel about living alone?  I know it's not for everybody (nothing is), so how is/was it for you?


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Spinster-minus-licious

"I am so over this single thing".

This is a text message I received late the other night.  The sender is my good friend, Jackie, who would appear -- from the outside-- to be the epitome of Spinsterliciousness (even though she, technically, isn't a Spinster).   She's a good-looking chick, a well-paid marketing executive who takes frequent vacations throughout the world, has an active social life and a close relationsip with her family.  But I guess that's mostly external stuff and they don't quite matter.   Correction. Of course they matter.   I don't think Jackie wants to lose any of this, but they can't fix what's ailing her.

What's ailing her is that she is  tired, really tired of being single.  When she got divorced, I think we all assumed she'd remarry pretty quickly.   Now, here it is 12 years later and no husband or husband-to-be on the horizon.  And she hates it.

Now what?

I really didn't want to give a bunch of platitudes ("don't worry, he's out there"; "you'll find him when you're least expecting it"; blah blah).   First of all, they sound empty and insincere to me.  But more importantly, the odds aren't in her favor.  Women-of-a-certain age do get married, but not nearly as easily as men-of-a-certain-age.

And I didn't want to try to talk her into loving being single because that's not what she wants.   It really made me think.   What's supposed to happen here?

I don't care to be married but I do wish the prospects were better for my friends who do.


The drawing to the right is by Van Gogh.  Supposedly, when he finished it,  he appended it with a quote from Jules Michelet's treatise "La Femme" (1860)

"The worst fate for a woman is to live alone. Alone! Just to pronounce the word is sad.  And how on earth does it happen that a woman is alone?  Are there no longer any men? Have we arrived at the end of the world?"

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The Blessing That is a Curse

I look a lot younger than my age.  I feel I do but, more importantly, lots of other people feel I do and they tell me so all the time.  Now, one thing I've noticed is that everybody tells a woman over 40 that she looks younger than her age...even when she doesn't.  It's kind of a requirement.  In my case, though, it's really true.  And why am I so sure? For a couple of reasons.


Reason 1.  
Last year, when I was job-hunting, I kept tripping up my prospective employers as they tried to reconcile the dates and my job experience with my "youthful appearance".  (I put that in quotes because I feel kinda silly saying that, although it's true).   A few headhunters even told me to take some of the older dates off my resume because I work in an industry that's not too friendly to women-of-a-certain age, and they felt I would open myself up to many more opportunities that way because I looked young enough to pull it off.   And they were right.   I got lots of interviews, many of which I know I wouldn't have gotten had they known my real age.  Looking younger than my age was a real blessing.

 
Reason 2. 
I keep meeting men who are really interested in me, and they demonstrate it in all the familiar ways men show that they're interested: the look in their eyes, the smile in their voice, the efforts they make to get and keep my attention.  That is, until they find out how old I am.  Then they can't run away fast enough.  Yes, of course, there are lots of guys who like older women and they're usually younger.  Much younger.  A little younger, say, 10 years,  is nice, but I don't particularly like dating guys who are way younger than I am.  (See Younger Men ).  

I happen to like men my own age.  They just don't like me so much.  They start out liking me and then they get all stupid on me because apparently dating a grown woman is a problem for them.  This would be pretty amazing if it weren't myself that I'm talking about:

• I had a great time with Kevin (not his real name) for about 6 months, hanging out several times a week doing all kinds of fun things all over New York City.  Then he found out my age and freaked out.  By the look on his face, you would have thought I'd told him I had a syphilis, not that I was the same age as he was.  He thought I was about 15 years younger.  About a week later, he cut me off.  Said he might want to have a kid; not right now, but someday so he needed to be with a woman who had enough child-bearing years left to produce for him in the future.  I'd never heard him mention wanting a kid before.

• Something similar happened the following year.  Different guy, same reaction to my age...again, even after he'd known me for awhile.  After that, I started telling guys my age on the first or second date.  If my age matters to him, he should know sooner rather than later.  No need in wasting his time.  Mine, either.

• Shortly thereafter, I met a guy at a restaurant while waiting for my friends.  My friends were late, so he and I spent 30-45 minutes talking.  He had already expressed interest in seeing me again, when he made an awkward comment about his own age.  He wondered if I would mind going out with an older man.  Obviously he was having his own issues.  Poppa was having difficulty accepting his own age and apparently thought a younger woman could help with his self-deception.  But as it turns out, I was older than he was.  He wasn't even cool about it.  He abruptly paid the bar bill and scrammed.

Now, when I meet a guy, I tell him my age almost immediately.  It's just easier.  If he has age issues --about mine or his own-- he'll have to work that out somewhere else.  I can't be bothered.

Who'da thunk looking young would be a bad thing?  Insecure men, that's who.



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There is No Debate

What does Charlee-- marketing communications whiz and long-time friend-- think of all this single vs. married talk?  Well...I'll let her tell you:

In Charlee's words:

Ok, I understand it.  I have often indulged in it.  I've probably heard every angle and

argument for both sides of the issue.  So it should be no surprise when I say that I am officially tired of the debate -- "Which is better, being married or single"?

The truth is that there are wonderful things about both...and downright messed up things as well.  Yet, single women want to be married, while married women mourn their days of single freedom.  Married women are accused by singles of being boring, insecure, or lost inside their husbands' or children's lives.   Single women are often characterized as man-stealing, desperate, and unfulfilled by their married counterparts.  So here's my question:  Why must we always pine for "the other side of the fence", or conversely, hate on those who occupy the terrain over there?

I grew up with three sisters, nine aunts, and a bunch of great friends.  Some married, some single.   Some were happy, some not.  I belong to a woman's social organization, am active at my church, and have a young adult daughter whose friends are constantly seeking advice from a "woman of a certain age".  Trust me, the discussion rages across all ages and walks of life --"Which is better..."?

I've spent a lifetime bonding with these various sisterhoods and we've shared (and

continue to share) many stories of love and betrayal.  And throughout these discourses what strikes me most is our honesty and boldness, our ability to make each other laugh when any one feels down, and our unhesitating willingness to impart strength when it is most needed.

If we can do this for each other, why can't we do it for ourselves?  Instead, we spend hours longing for what we don't have.  Hours not necessarily wasted, but perhaps misappropriated.  I say not necessarily waster because through it all, here is what I have come to know.  We each are unique individuals who possess the power to choose what

focus our life energies on.  Instead of bemoaning what could-have-would-have-should-have-didn’t-or-never will-happen, we have the ability to embrace the beauty and wonder of what is. We are who we are, right now. We can thoroughly enjoy this moment, this experience, and this journey.  And we can be at peace with it all—simply by choosing to.  When we truly embrace who we are, there is no debate.

Well, what do you think?  What's the debate really about...that is, if there is a debate!  Is there a debate?

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The Break-up Text (Also Known As -"Yeah, I'm a Punk")

Photo: Courtesy buzzstoc.com

There was a Sex in the City episode a few years ago where Berger broke up with Carrie by Post-it Note.  That is, rather than telling her to her face that he wanted out of the relationship, he wrote it on a Post-it Note and left it for her to find the next morning after he'd left.   Everybody --on the show and in real life-- agreed it was a pretty lousy move. (Everybody = women).

Of course, that show was television and not real life (though it certainly felt like it from time to time).  Recently, though, my friend Lana's boyfriend broke up with her via text message.  (And, no, he's not twelve).  It's Berger and Carrie, 2010; the technological equivalent of the Post-it Note breakup.   This guy, too, didn't have the balls to "man up" and tell Lana he didn't think the relationship was working out. 

This is what I wonder about: what is the conversation a grown man has with himself that allows him to be convinced that ending a relationship by text message is acceptable?   I'm thinking he must feel pretty sheepish...but maybe not.   Lana was, of course, stunned that he chose this method to break-up.  Technology can be efficient and practical...and cold.  Break-up texts are definitely cold. 


When she told me, I was disgusted, but not completely surprised.    A few years ago, I took the time to write a thoughtful, heartfelt letter to a guy I was seeing to explain why the relationship wasn't working for me.   I used my personal stationary, put a stamp on it, and mailed it the old-fashioned way.   He responded by text message (a rather incoherent one, at that).  I remember thinking "what a jackass".  The good thing about it, though, is that it reinforced how right I was to get out.

After talking with a few others, I learned that this isn't as uncommon as it should be.  See what you started, Berger?   Apparently there are lots of men who leave relationships this way.  Isn't this how Kelsey Grammer told his soon-to-be-ex-wife that he wanted a divorce?  Or was it by email?  Same difference.  What is up with these chickensh*# men?  Is a phone call just too hard?


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Making Hannah Spinsterlicious

My friend, Hannah, is a Spinster like me.  Unlike me, though, she really hates it.  It makes me a little sad that she does, because I think she’s got a pretty good life in so many respects.   She’s cute (some guys even say “hot”), has an active social life, a good-paying full-time job, and a side hustle that she really enjoys.  She owns her home, has a car with a reasonable monthly payment, and me as a good friend :-).   I look at all this and think she’s got a lot going for herself, but she hates being single and not having kids…and it’s dragging her down.


So, I want to help her feel better about the place she’s in.  I know I can’t really “make her Spinsterlicious”; only she can do that, but I’d like to try to help.  Spinsterlicious-ness is a mindset, a place that celebrates what’s good about your life, and frees you up to enjoy the choices you’ve made…consciously or unconsciously.  I don’t think she needs to love being single, but I do think she should embrace what’s good about her life.   So here’s a few thoughts I want to share with her:


   1. Try not to feel/look/act desperate.  It's not attractive to guys AND it causes you to make poor decisions (not you specifically, desperation makes anyone make poor decisions)
   2. Think for just a minute about all the miserable married people you know.  Just the miserable ones.  It’ll remind you that marriage is not necessarily the answer to your problems.  Which leads me to point  3.
   3. Is it really being single that’s making you so sad, or are there other things going on in your life that might be causing it, and being single is just something easy to point to?
   4. Take an assessment of what’s good about your life and “live there” for awhile.  Studies show that people who actively appreciate their good fortunes are happier.  And finally…
   5. Throw on some high heels and lip gloss…and a smile the next time you go out.  (It can’t hurt!)

I’d love to hear other perspectives.  Do you have any advice for Hannah to help her live a Spinsterlicious life…for the time being –or- forever?  Please post your thoughts below and let’s get this girl movin’!

Is It The Way I'm Wired??

I’m not anti-marriage.   In fact, I think marriage can be something really great…when it’s right.  And I guess that’s the thing.  It seems really hard.   I think it was Bryant Gumbel, during a recent stint co-hosting The View, who said a person has to “really, really, really want to be married for it to work.”  (Two of those “reallys” are actually mine).   And I’ve never really, really, really wanted to. 


So, take now, for instance.  I’m not in a serious relationship but I am seeing someone.  He’s a nice guy…a great guy in fact (who I hope doesn’t read blogs).  So, though I’m not in love, I am enjoying  what we have.  So why am I trying to mess it up?  Well, I’m not really trying to mess it up but here’s what happened.   At a friend’s dinner party, I met her friend who is interesting, funny, cute...and single.  So I decided I wanted to go out with him.  As we were making plans to get together, I remembered  "the other guy".  Later I became a bit ferklempt: why am I sniffing around this man when I have something else nice going on?  Geez. 


 I’ve always done this…but I’m not a young’un anymore.  Why am I still acting like it?  Shouldn’t I be trying to settle down?


 I asked my girlfriend that very question.  She just laughed.  “Honey, you’re just not wired that way.  Do your thing”.  So…I am.


What do you think?  Should a “woman of a certain age” stop dating around and start settling in?

Spinsterlicious? Yep

 The Spinsterlicious Life; my musings about the realities and joys of being single, child-free, and not mad about it.   Here’s how this whole thing  got started.  I ran into a woman I knew from years ago at a party and before I could answer “How are you doing”, she asked me “Are you married, yet”?   I’m asked this a lot and I feel I always have to have a quip ready: one that seems lighthearted but hopefully also conveys that I think it’s a bizarre question.  There’s nothing wrong with asking if I’m married, but the “yet” implies that this is something I must do. 

But I never really thought so. 

I am a heterosexual woman, I live in New York City,  I love dating…and I date a lot.   I have an awesome life:   a successful career as the owner of a marketing consultancy --Golden Door Consulting--  with a great income that allows me to afford a second home in the Hamptons, an active social life, and vacations around the world.  I have great relationships with my family and a fabulous circle of good friends.  I support charitable organizations with my money and time, and adore my 11-year-old Yorkie, Danny.   Despite all this goodness, there are many who look at my statistics and feel sorry for me.

What struck me about that recent encounter is that the “Are you married, yet” chick is going through her third divorce.  And she’s looking at me all crazy. 

Marriage and kids were never really in my plans.  Not everybody gets that., though.  Admitting this in a social setting can really slow down a conversation.  Most women want a husband and children so there’s obviously something wrong with the woman who doesn’t...right? 

Did you know that the number of unmarried adults in the US rose from 28% in 1970  -to- 47% in 2010?   That’s right…almost half of U.S. adults are single.  And if we focus on the Never Married, that description fits 23% of white women in the U.S. in 2009, and 45% of black women. That's a lot of people; so it's really not that uncommon.

Even more interesting (to me, anyway), is that more women than ever are choosing not to have children.  Thirty years ago, only 20% of women in their early 40s had no children; that number has now doubled.  It's interesting because it seems there's the belief that if you have a uterus, you should use it. but more and more women have been saying “not really”.

Obviously, I am not the only Spinster out there.  I know --and I know you know-- lots of fabulous women who are not wives or mothers.  In fact, there’s a whole world of similarly-situated women out there who just want to be acknowledged as the  smart, attractive, fascnating people they are.

This blog is for them, and any grown woman who hasn’t married or procreated…maybe for the time being, maybe forever AND the people who look askance at her.  

Everybody needs to lighten up. 

Being single without children is not the norm – yet— but there’s a lot that’s really good about being single, free, and unencumbered. 

So, I'll be blogging about that...and all kinds of other things that might cross my mind.  I'm hoping you'll join me in the conversation: your thoughts, your reactions, your own experiences. 

Postscript: Check out Ad Age's article on this very topic:  http://adage.com/article?article_id=146376

[I didn't make those numbers up:  Statistics Source: The US Census]