25 Things: 2011 Year in Review

A number of blogs are posting the answers to this "25 Things" questionnaire and linking to each other.      Hilarity in Shoes is one of them.  It's kinda fun to read others' responses.  Here's mine...which I think, alas, may be a little dull.  I'm hoping it's dull because I have a lousy memory, and not because I became boring this year.  Anyway, here we go:

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I did a radio interview about my blog (with Joseph C. Phillips, sitting in for Larry Elder on his KABC show).  It was a new experience so I was a little nervous.  I was very conscious of how many bad tv and radio interviews I see/hear and I didn't want to be one of them.  I wasn't.  It actually was pretty easy…and fun.  (I'm hoping he'll have me back on when my book comes out this spring.)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
I don't  really make New Year's resolutions, though I usually re-evaluate my year/life each year on my birthday, which is in November…so I guess that's kinda like New Year's resolutions.  On my birthday this year, I resolved to do two things:  one interesting and exciting, the other trite and uninteresting:  (1) Self-publish my book (The Spinsterlicious Life), and (2) lose the 10 extra pounds I've managed to tack on.  Maybe even 15 so I have some wiggle room.  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
We welcomed Anna Sofia (Traci and Tony) and Mae Ling (Michelle and Kris) to the world this year.  Very exciting.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I am fortunate that no one close to me died in 2011.   I was, however, saddened by the deaths of Patrice O'Neal, Amy Winehouse, Steve Jobs, Eleanor Mondale, Clarence Clemons -- people I didn't know personally, but admired for their talents.

5. What countries did you visit?
2011 was the first time in about 15 years that I did not leave the U.S.  I expect to be "back on track" in 2012.  Heading to Turks & Caicos in February…and who know where else as the year progresses?  I'm due for a visit to my friend, Lucy, in London  so maybe that'll be on the list.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
I re-opened my consumer research and strategy company in 2011 and business is good though not quite as strong as it was before the recession.  So, in 2012 I want to have a lot more money than I did in 2011.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Osama bin Laden was killed on May 2, 2011.  I  jumped for joy.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Re-starting my business…

9. What was your biggest failure?
No big failure…though I wish I had managed my business start-up costs differently.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

My health is good...although a couple of weeks ago I was diagnosed with hypertension. Pissed me off.  It runs in my family, but I thought I could avoid it with my healthy diet and being pretty fit.  No such luck.  (sigh)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought some fab boots.  Look…

12. Where did most of your money go?
Most of my money went to re-building my biz...and eating good food at great restaurants.

13. What did you get really excited about?

My decision to self-publish my book

A Martha's Vineyard vacation with a group of friends

Anna Sofia's birth

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Rolling in the Deep, by Adele

SuperBass, by Nicki Minaj

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder?  Neither.  I'm good…same as last year
Thinner or fatter? About 10 pounds fatter.  Working on correcting that
Richer or poorer? Financially poorer.  Being self-employed is creating serious cash-flow issues right now

.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Worked out more.  (I will say this for the rest of my life)

Traveled more

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I probably could have eaten out less (and put that $ toward my biz)

18. How did you spend Christmas?

I spent Christmas with my family in Washington, DC…same as every year

19. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office.  Treme.  Enlightened.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Book fail, here.  Didn't read anything I loved.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Anything with a good beat:  Adele, Nicki Minaj, Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Company Men was probably my favorite film this year

23. What did you do on your birthday?
A vineyard tour on Long Island's North Fork

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A more robust business, a grand love affair, an international trip.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
I lean toward the simple and casual.  Shoes make the difference.

So that's mine.  Everybody:  please pick 1-2 questions to answer and post it in the Comment section.

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Wigging It...For When I Need Backup

When it comes to looks, my stance has always been, “I gotta work with what God gave me.”  (Unspoken was, “and you should, too,” as I looked somewhat askance at women with fake boobs and bad hair weaves.) But when I hated all my photos from a fancy party I attended recently, I acknowledged that what God had given me had really gotten on my nerves. A seriously bad hair day had me looking like a scarecrow in every picture. I was not happy about that.

A few days later, I agreed to go with a friend-who-won't-let-me-use-her-name to get her wig. She's always been very clear that she wanted lots more hair than she could grow and was very comfortable augmenting it with the store-bought variety. I tagged along because I thought it would be fun. We could catch up, and—an added plus—I could save her from going overboard with her new hair. As I watched and waited, I remembered how my own hair had come up short a time or two.

Well, whaddya know. Long story short, I, too, now have new hair.

Yep, I bought a wig. Not for everyday use, but for those days when my own hair acts like it has a mind of its own.

Here's what my own hair looks like on a good day.  It's a little unruly, but I like it. It's natural, not perfectly coiffed. It fits my personality.

But too often, it looks like this. I know I can look better than this... I just don't always know when.

It's true that when I don't know my hair looks bad, I can have a grand time. It's only when I see the photos later that I get annoyed. But when I'm out and I know my hair doesn't look good, it can make the event less fun. Not that the event itself is less fun, but I'm self-conscious. And that's certainly not fun. So I'm taking control.


Hadiiya Barbel, the woman who did our wigs --which she calls "crowns"-- is a “wigstress to the stars,” so to speak—my words, not hers. She does them for celebrities and models and video vixens, making them larger than life in both styling and spirit. I got all caught up in the excitement. My new hair wasn't as dramatic as most of her styles, but it was very dramatic for me. When I left her salon with my new hair, I didn't just leave—I danced away. I felt transformed. It was very exciting.

I was almost “ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.” I wore my new hair out to dinner with friends that night, and sashayed into the restaurant. It wasn't until later, when I glimpsed myself in the mirror, that I thought, “Hmmm.”

Maybe it was a bit too much. I started to think that I looked like I was waiting for someone to hand me a microphone. Like I was about to go onstage. Like I was screaming, “Hey, look at me.” And that's not me.  

Wouldn't you know it, here I was, self-conscious about my hair again. On the way home, a drag queen in full regalia complimented me on my hair—confirming what I was starting to think: it's too much.

So I went back, and Hadiya gave me a bit of a trim. One that’s more to my liking. Feels a lot more like me. And that's what I want: to look and feel like me...not like me playing dress-up.

So now, when my own hair—the hair that God gave me—doesn't want to cooperate, I’ve got back-up. Here I come!

What about you?  What do you guys do when your own, natural-born "stuff"  doesn't cooperate?

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To All My Spinsterlicious Friends

✨

HAPPY EVERYTHING 

TO EVERYBODY ...

Christmas

Hanukkah

Kwanzaa

New Year

!!!

✨

Is He Really Your Boyfriend?

I had an awkward conversation a few weeks ago with a friend of mine.  She's "seeing" a man who she pretends is her boyfriend, although he is not.  In my opinion, he's a guy she hangs out with and sometimes sleeps with.  He's recently divorced and told her that, though he likes her, he has no desire for a girlfriend.  I think that's pretty clear.  She still, apparently, doesn't believe him.

So I get regular calls and texts from her when she's upset about something he did or did not do.  Something a real boyfriend probably would have done...but since this guy is only her "boyfriend in her head", he keeps falling short of her expectations.  And I keep getting "I'm upset" calls from her.

Apparently, one of the seemingly most common trip-ups in dating is that the two people in the so-called relationship have differing opinions about what kind of relationship they're in. Invariably, someone's feelings get hurt because expectations are different from what is actually being delivered.

She thinks they're BF-GF, and he thinks they're just "friends"...with a really loose definition of what a friend is.  This happens a lot.  And it doesn't always improve with age.

So, for my friend (and anyone else who may be in this situation), here's my 2¢ on how you can lessen the likelihood of this situation happening to you, how to tell if the guy is serious about you:

10.  He holds your hand in public - A public display of affection in this way is a sweet way to connect you two.  Holding hands is actually more of a commitment than, say, kissing because a kiss can be driven by other needs. A kiss doesn't "claim" you.

9.  He's usually where he says he's going to be. This is easy. He's not hiding from you.


8.  He introduces you to his friends (and family)...and they already know about you.  He's not keeping you hidden.  That he's been talking about you is a sign that you matter.


7.  You have a title (My Girlfriend, Lady, Woman...). This is an important one. If you're just Shirley (or whatever your name is), then who are you?  What do you represent? If you don't have a title then your relationship is probably a different one than you think it is.

6.  He doesn't just come over late and leave early.  Again, another easy one. If his visits are primarily booty calls, that's a problem.

5.  His Saturday night belongs to you. Saturday night is date night for people in a relationsip. If he's not with you, where is he?

4.  You have more than just his cell number (assuming he has more than a cell number). He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. You should have all his numbers...home, cell, work, and whatever else he has.

3.  You spend time at his place...including overnight. If you're not spending the night there, who is?

2.  If he has a landline at home, he answers it when it rings while you're there. Again, nothing to hide, right?  No concerns about another "chick with expectations" calling.

1.  He calls you more than he texts. If this isn't happening, he's just having fun with you.



Of course, this is not a fool-proof list, but if most of these things aren't happening, you're probably not his Girlfriend.  Now what?


Spinsterlicious readers:  anything you want to add to this list?



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When Is A Gift Not A Gift?

Gift.  noun.  1. something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.  Dictionary.com

I had a conversation this week with my friend --let's call her Cheryl-- about gift-giving, during the holidays and all the other gift-giving "opportunities".  I was in the middle of wrapping my Christmas gifts and mentioned that I have begun to exchange gifts with fewer and fewer people.  Really, I don't need another thingy.  What I've started to suggest is that we get together, treat each other to food and drink…or something else we both like to do, and just enjoy each other's company.  That's what I really want for Christmas (and usually my birthday, too).


Then Cheryl told me a story about how she feels slighted by a friend to whom she has given many gifts, though has received few (or none, depending on how you look at it) in return.  Cheryl says that, over the years, she has given Friend and her family a number of gifts…8 to be exact.  Birthday gifts to Friend and hubby, birthday and Bar/Bat Mitzvah gifts to the kids, housewarming gifts to the whole family and on and on.  When Cheryl had her housewarming, Friend brought her a homemade cake.  It's a touching and personal gift, in a way.  But was she being chintzy?  Probably, but I really don't know. Maybe she couldn't afford to do better. At any rate, Cheryl certainly didn't appreciate it. She expected more.

I don't always feel compelled to give a gift just because it's an occasion where a gift is expected.  In some ways,  I'm not sure Cheryl should have given them all those gifts in the first place.   To me, gifts should come from the heart and once you start keeping track of who-gave-what-to-who then it doesn't seem so heartfelt.  Many people give gifts because they're expected.  I sometimes don't. I kind of decide on a case-by-case basis.  Once a gift starts to feel obligatory, it feels less like a gift to me and more like a payment…or ransom.

I have a friend (actually two), who over the years, would regularly complain about gifts given to her: "not enough thought went into it", "I don't like it", "it's cheap"…blah blah.  I came to dread exchanging gifts with her.  Anxiety over whether it was "good enough" made shopping for her stressful, not fun.  And so what's the point there?


Cheryl pointed out that, as a single, child-free woman, I get the short end of the gift-stick.  Engagement gifts, wedding gifts, baby gifts, all kinds of gifts for the kids are given, but I'm limited to receiving gifts for Xmas and birthday.  But Cheryl is married and still got short-shrift.  It probably doesn't help that she doesn't have kids.  We laughed about an episode from Sex And The City where Carrie had a similar thought:

“Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn’t one occasion where people celebrate you … Hallmark doesn’t make a “congratulations, you didn’t marry the wrong guy” card. And where’s the flatware for going on vacation alone?"  

I always give a wedding gift if I attend the wedding.  If I don't attend, I may or may not give a gift.  Only on occasion do I give birthday and Christmas gifts to children.  I love lots of the kids in my life, but they get so much during these times that I'm not sure the gift means much to them…or that they even remember what I gave them.  I'm sure some of the parents think that's a little sloppy of me, but whatever.  I'm much more forthcoming with gifts for an accomplishment, like graduation.

I don't exchange a ton of Christmas gifts, but I do make sure to spend time with the people who matter to me. That feels better to me than another tchochke…especially if we don't really know what the other one wants.


I give baby gifts most of the time…but not always.  I give birthday gifts some of the time, but not always.  Here, I'd rather take you out to dinner and enjoy your company.    No angst about the wrong gift. Same amount of money (usually more), but a win-win for everyone.

I once broke up with a guy who gave me a television for Christmas, then demanded that I buy SurroundSound speakers to augment it. Except I don't really need SurroundSound. What kind of gift is that, that I have to spend more money on?  Really, it felt more like a gift for him that he could enjoy at my place.  The argument spiraled out of control after that.

Gift-giving and receiving can be rather emotional, I guess, and is certainly laden with all kinds of other expectations that don't really help the situation.  Once the recipient starts weighing the "value" of the gift, it loses all meaning in my opinion.

And, once my stepmother gave me a set of ashtrays.  I've never allowed smoking in my house.  'nuff said.

Anyway, I'm dying to hear your "oh Lord, I gotta buy a gift" stories.  Or, if you're a gift-complainer, I'd like to hear more about that, too.



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Who Loves Ya, Baby? - In Praise of the Mature --and Fab-- Woman

I celebrated a birthday last month and what a fun day it was.  In commemoration of me adding another year, a friend sent me a piece attributed to Andy Rooney called In Praise of Women Over 40 (or something like that). I like it. Here it is:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

• A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

• If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

• A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

• Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

• Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

• A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

• Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

• A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

• Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

• Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.



I love the sentiment here, but the fact that it had to be written suggests that the writer is in the minority among men. As we know, for too many men, an older woman is a less appealing woman.   And here's the real clincher:  this piece has been attributed to Andy Rooney, but turns out that  Andy Rooney didn't write this after all.

And not only did Andy Rooney not write it, when asked, he said he didn't particularly agree with it!  The nerve!  Hilarious that he got the credit for being much smarter than he actually was.

And yet, 66-year old Helen Mirren was voted the sexiest woman on the planet (or something like that) by Salon.com     She still rocks…and so do the folks who voted for her.

Being younger and being older both have their advantages.  What do you love about being the age you are now?


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What If "Love" Hurts?

On Thursday, I did something really important.   As a member of BlogHer --the largest community of engaged, influential and info-savvy women who blog-- I participated in the 8th annual It's Time to Talk Day (#ITTTD), a national day of dialogue and awareness for domestic violence, sexual assault, and teen dating abuse sponsored by Liz Claiborne, Inc.

Bloggers, members of the press, and government officials were invited to spend time with advocates who are dedicated to lessening the acts and the effects of domestic violence.

There's an overwhelming amount of statistics on this topic.  A few that I found particularly startling include:

• 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. 

• On average more than 3 women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States.

• 44% of sexual assault victims are under the age of 18.

• 1 in 4 teens will be victimized by a partner through digital mediums (e.g., cell phones, social media).

• 38% of dating college women say they would not know how to get help if they found themselves in an abusive relationship.

Although I know this is an important topic, I woke up Thursday morning not really feeling like attending this thing.  I had had a late night before and thought it would be much more to my liking to sleep in, and ease into my morning before getting started on the report I was supposed to be writing.  

What made me go, though, was Elizabeth (not her real name).  Almost a year ago, I began a correspondence with a woman who started writing me after she stumbled across my blog.  She said she started reading it because she was in a bad marriage and thinking about leaving, but was afraid to be on her own.  She was looking to The Spinsterlicious Life for the inspiration she needed to be single again.  After a few notes, she mentioned that she wasn't just unhappy, but that her husband was abusing her.  (I don't know the details).  

About 3 months into our correspondence, she mentioned that she had decided to stay in her marriage!  She said something to the effect that she "admired me, but she wasn't like me and didn't think she could handle being single"!.  She chose to stay in an abusive relationship and, instead, "try to help him change his ways". (Yeah, good luck with that).  So I dragged my a** out of bed on Thursday for Elizabeth.

I was fortunate to speak to several smart and inspiring people that day.  There were three who I found particularly heartening:

• Jennifer Kuhn, Program Manager for The Allstate Foundation Domestic Violence Program.  Their focus in the domestic violence arena is on financial empowerment, providing resources, financial education, job readiness, matched savings, and micro-enterprise for women who need and want to leave an abusive situation but don't have the money or know-how to do so.  The men in these abusive relationships are often so controlling that the woman has no money and no access to their bank account.  She won't get far if she doesn't have cab fare or the ability to find a job or a place to stay.
• Jimmie Briggs, a fascinating man who gave up a career as a highly-respected journalist writing for The New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, Life, and Fortune Magazine (among others) to run the Man Up Campaign, which focuses on lessening instances of sexual violence in 25 countries around the world.  With a focus on youth --primarily male-- 15-30 years old, one of his many missions is to see Man-Up student chapters in schools from coast to coast.  In the meantime, he and his team work hard to speak out about the impact of domestic violence on youth and on the need for early education and prevention efforts with children. 
• Ann Burke of the Love Is Not Abuse Coalition and the Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund.  Her story took my breath away.  Her 23 year old daughter, Lindsay, was murdered by her jealous and abusive ex-boyfriend.  Since then, Ann has managed to make teaching about domestic violence a part of the school health curriculum in Rhode Island…and is working hard to mandate legislation to do the same on a national level. 

Next week, I go back to the lighter side of life with my musings on  Spinsterlicious-ness.  In the meantime, if you're so inclined, please visit one or all of these sites; maybe you'll be inspired to donate your money, your time…or refer a woman or teen in need.  (Elizabeth, I hope you're listening).

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How Long Should A Marriage Last? - A Spinsterlicious Guest Post

One of the reasons I didn't want to get married is that " 'till death do us part" just seems so looooong. Whenever I would look at whatever guy I was in love with, I would try to envision him still in my life in 15 years, and I couldn't. I would do my peer-into-the-future, but that face I loved would get really blurry. I've always been intrigued by people who can make that leap-of-faith into FOREVER. I never could.


 So I was talking about this recently with my friend, Renell, and we decided she should share her point-of-view on this. 
 Renell Sullivan and I have been friends for 15+ years. She is a veteran NYC advertising executive, now in talent acquisition and non-profit consulting/volunteering. She is about to launch a lifestyle blog "I Fluff" which will help make-more-out-of-less around the house, including DIY, cocktails, home decor, and food. And she's on Pinterest ( which I don't understand). Renell lives with her lovely husband, Greg, and her lovelier Lab, Vivian. (Sorry, Greg. It's just that I've known Vivi longer!)




In Renell's own words: 


 Recently, I hosted a reunion of old college friends. One of my roommates had just celebrated her 25th wedding anniversary. She confided, that in planning her anniversary celebration (a full-on gala in Laguna Beach, CA, where they met) her husband told her… "you know, when I was watching you come down the aisle, I thought "well, I’ll give this marriage-thing 5 years". Say that again? 


 But the bride admitted that she had similar thoughts; she was also thinking it might not last forever. They were young, in their 20s. It’s scary to think about committing to one person for life… but 5 years? That's really bite-sized for a commitment. Yet, they have been happily married for 25 years.


 I married in my late 30s…just because I was not in any hurry…had not met the right guy...had other things to do...was busy with my career...had a great social life (still do). But I have to say, I entered into my marriage for the long-haul. To that end, I don’t make big decisions lightly. I’m a list maker; I research everything…where to go for dinner, what is the best dinner party menu, where can I get the best wine for the best price, what kind of car to buy. 


 In fact, its funny. It wasn’t until I started writing this, that I remembered that I sought out a therapist to help me with the marriage decision. A friend was going to a therapist to help her decide whether or not to have a child, so I followed her lead. I had other crazy stuff going on in my life at the time, so it was a good time to talk to someone with credibility to help me sort things out. Especially, since my husband-to-be was divorced, after 19 years and 2 kids, with a toxic, immature ex-wife…so talking through the pros and cons with a professional was extremely helpful to help make my decision. And, I took the leap. 


 Even Eleanore said when she was in serious relationships, she had put more of 15-year window around any commitment possibilities…and that put the kibosh on that. But, the 5-year commitment? Well, that’s a new wrinkle...like maybe I was overthinking that “lifetime” vow.  Makes you wonder how many people enter into their vows with a shorter timespan in mind. It’s one of those things that you can think, but you can’t say out-loud… 



 So, I (Eleanore) am wondering how many of my married readers hoped their marriage would last a lifetime, but secretly thought it might not? And for you Spinsterlicious single babes, what do y'all think of all this? It's interesting, right? 






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The Baby That's Disrupting My Life

My good friends, Traci and Tony, are also my neighbors.  It's been great. For years. Our dogs are best friends.

At the beginning, I think they used to feel sorry for me all-single-and-alone in my apartment, so they had me over on a regular basis for food and drink.  I took complete advantage of this.


And several nights a week, we would unwind from a rough day at work over a glass of wine.  This is a picture I took of the inside of their refrigerator.  Tells you what their priorities are/were, right?

They were so much fun.  Then this happened.

So, now, when they have me over, I'm not even allowed to enjoy my food without having to figure out how to eat and balance a baby at the same time.

Traci used to invite me over for breakfast and coffee most Saturday mornings.  This is what it looks like now.  She still gives me coffee, but the only one who gets breakfast is the baby...and I have to give it to her.

I've tried to explain to them that they had a baby, I didn't.  I never wanted kids.  Still don't.   She's a cutie but she's around all the time and sometimes I just want to go back to the way it used to be.

But then, she'll go and do something cute like this, and all is forgiven.

Seriously, though, babies change things.  Has your life ever been "disrupted" by someone else's kid?  (The nerve of them, right?)




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