The days of Married and Single. The days of wine and roses, what to choose, which is better, who really knows? My plight is I always want to have the husband, children, dog, cat, white picket fence...yeah I wanted it all, but got hardly any of it. I did not do my homework first, did not think it all the way thru...or could just blame it on my Mother; she did not tell me what it was all about.
I married a guy who was older and I thought he was really cool. He was a sharp dresser and, for some stupid reason, that meant a lot to me. He actually had a reputation about that. After we had started dating, I excitedly told a male friend that I was dating him and his response was “Oh he’s the guy who won’t hug a girl because it might wrinkle his shirt.” Well, he had my husband-to-be pegged just right. He was a Good-time-Charlie, a Sport as we said in those days. Little did I know the adverse affect this behavior would have on our relationship and our marriage.
I married him 6 years later and the first 5 were happy, I think. I just wanted to be with him, he was well-known and well-liked, and lots of people probably thought he was cool because he was always at the bar treating people to drinks. But one day I told him that we needed a new dining room set, and he told me we could not afford it. Well the nerve! And that’s pretty much how the marriage went. Every time I mentioned a need for the home base, it was "no", but on the party scene it was Free for All.
I went along with this in the early years because, did I mention he was handsome and a sharp dresser? This eventually grew old, though. The older I got, the more I realized this was just crazy. He was also a gambler. It was nothing for him to come home and tell me he did not have money for the mortgage or the other necessities that go along with maintaining a home because he had lost at the crap table. At first, happy in love, I paid his part and mine too. It took a while but I finally realized this was not the life I wanted or deserved. There was surely something better. Eventually, I told him I did not want to be married anymore. A year prior, I wrote him a letter explaining all the things that were wrong with the marriage and what needed work. He totally ignored it, so I went forth with my plan. A year after the breakup he responded to the letter and was very sad and apologetic. Ha!.
I ended the marriage after 17 years. At one point, my sister asked what was I waiting for to end it and I said “for the other shoe to fall”. She said “well how many feet does the MF have?” (Laughter!) I knew my heart and mind would let me know when the time was right and one day while driving to work I saw a bright light --honest-- and that was the sign. I filed for divorce and was finally relieved of the financial and emotional hardship he had put on me.
I have said often that I am glad I had the courage to end the marriage or I would have missed out on some real fun, more love, and being treated the way a woman is supposed to be treated. Following the divorce, I met and had two really good relationships with men who treated me like a princess, wined and dined me, bought me nice and expensive gifts, took me on travel and we had really good sex. This is getting really personal, but with one guy after the sex was over, for hours and into days, I would still have somewhat of an orgasm just thinking about it. I swear! The sad thing is neither relationship ended in marriage (longer story) but I don’t regret the experiences or time spent.
So, interestingly, I did love being married, but was negligent in not being specific in what I wanted and desired in a man. I liked the partnership of marriage, the titles "my husband, his wife", someone to come home to and coming home to someone, having a permanent date, and a man’s protection. What I forgot to look for and what was missing from my marriage was someone who was financially and emotionally responsible, who had his priorities right, was handy around the house, and a loving and caring partner. Instead I got caught up in appearances and enjoyed and looked forward to the party life. Every week we were dressing up and out on the town. At a young age this was fun, but now I know better.
I am still looking for that man but only half-heartedly. I sometimes think maybe I am too old and too set in my ways.
I (Eleanore) wonder if that's true. I'm hoping we're never too set in our ways to find another love...are we?
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