In my opinion, the guy pays on the first date. No exceptions. That's what differentiates it from two platonic friends hanging out. That's what makes it a date.
I don't think the guy has to pay for every dinner date, but he should pay for the first one. I always offer to pay for my meal on the first date and it's not a half-hearted offer. I mean it. What's unsaid, though, is that if he accepts then there will be no second date.
And you know what, that's almost never an issue. I've probably only gone out with 1-2 men in my lengthy dating life who allowed me to pay for my own meal on a first date. Even when it was pretty clear that we might not see each other again, most guys I've gone out with insist on paying.
I have noticed that this whole splitting-the-bill thing is often a function of the generational divide. In my experience, guys over, say, 45 usually insist on paying. It's only when I'm out with much younger men that they seem to be confused about their responsibility in this situation (confused is my word, probably not theirs). I blame feminism because younger guys grew up in a time when "equality for women" was supposedly accepted, and they're taking it a little too literally and apparently think it applies to dating. And I very much consider myself a feminist...I'm just not paying for my dinner.
What do y'all think? Who pays for the first date? Please take the poll to the right, and also add a comment telling me why you voted the way you did.
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14 comments:
To be completely honest, I have no idea why the man should pay for the dinner on the first date. I figure I want to be there too (usually!) and I'm eating as well, so why would he pay? I think it's a hang over from a time when a woman didn't work, didn't have an income and was dependent on her father and then her husband.
In Oz, most men assume we split the bill.
Josie x
Some men expecting women to pay their way on a date has nothing to do with feminism but a lot to do with the percentage of young men being raised by single mothers who aren't teaching them basic etiquette.
This is the same crew that mumbles, doesn't tuck in their shirt and are not opening doors for ladies. Can I pay for my dinner on a first date? Sure. But if I do then we are hanging out and not on a date. I'll be going home alone and moving on with my life afterward. The marriage rate is plummeting for good reason. Women, not men, aren't sure anymore of what's in it for them.
I feel sorry for these boys. They have been set adrift with their beer and video games, and have no clue about their place in the world. It's not up to the schools to teach kids manners, that is a parent duty.
I think it is generational in so much that it's about income. In your twenties it's hard to know what is affordable dinner. While some things are easy (i-bankers, guys in grad school) I tend not to assume that most guys have more or less money than I do. So then I look to think what I can afford.
As two twenty-somethings if the bill climbs beyond $75, I will offer to split it or pay a portion - and mean it. If we're at a more casual place and it's not that expensive, I'll offer but not mean it and rarely get accepted.
Paying or not paying is one of my tests when I'm on a first date. I make sure I'm a cheap date, like ordering nonalcoholic drinks and I choose resonable items on the menu to eat but he better pay. I even do the attempt at paying. And they can take me up on it but we won't be going anywhere after dinner and I won't be picking up your calls after I walk out of that restaurant if I had to pay. Any man worth my time will step up to the plate. Every man I've ever discussed this with agrees. I don't think he should pay for every date but show me some chivalry on our first outing.
I think it is generational. Older men are still gentlemen and they still pay. I do not offer to pay on the first date (or hardly any other for that matter!) as it would be considered insulting to my date. I do, however, reciprocate with a nice home cooked meal - especially when things are moving along nicely and I want them in my home!
I'm married and out of the dating pool, but if I were single I would never pay for dinner on a first date, nor would I offer. Many here say that they would offer, but then say they would not see the guy again if he accepted the offer. That's setting him up. Why offer to do something you don't feel is right? Maybe the guy had every intention of paying, thinks you WANT to pay given the fact that you just offered. So now you're annoyed that he's done something you showed him you wanted to do. In other words, you're giving him a test to see if he can read your mind.
I say, just don't offer. If he asks you to split the bill, then you know that he's no gentleman. After all, he invited you out right? And he picked the restaurant? If a guy is going to expect you to split the bill, then shouldn't you have some say in where you're going?
@Molly: Hmmm. Interesting perspective. I'm not "setting him up" when I offer to pay; my offer is genuine. When he accepts, he's giving me information about himself, much as he has done throughout the meal. That information tells me whether he might be the guy for me. Whether he chose the restaurant or not, most guys decline my offer...as they should, in my opinion
I don't offer to pay. You asked me, it's a date, you pay. I've seen men suggest I pay the tip. I've seen a man pull out a calculator and carefully re-add an $11 bill to make sure he wasn't being cheated by the wait staff, then calculate a 10% tip.
Do I test men? You bet I do. I want to see where their head is at so I don't waste my time. I ask polite questions about their hobbies, passions, work and friends on a first date. I wait to see how long they talk about themselves before they bother to ask any questions about me, other than the usual ones about my occupation (so they can get an idea about how much money I earn) and the value of my house, whether I own it outright.
I have gone on many many dates where I have been asked almost no questions at all. I'm pretty and don't smell bad so I guess that is enough. Kind of sad, really.
Okay, maybe "setting him up" was too strong. But I still wouldn't offer to pay. I do think that some guys who would prefer to pay would feel that if the woman offers, then she prefers to pay; and so in an effort not to be contrary, would simply accept it thinking "well if she wants that, I'll go with the flow". I still think that offering to pay, when you feel that he should is not showing someone how you feel and dating is about getting to know a person.
I'm with Josie. Why shouldn't women and men split the bill? And when they don't, the one who pays has one up on the one who doesn't - or maybe he or she is just stupid for paying. But really, why should the guy pay? Makes me a smidge uncomfortable. What would I want for my kids? That they be able to pay their way whenever and with whomever they wish. And for me, I'll pay. I like my independence. A few dates in, sure, take care of me and sure, I'll do the same. of him and me.
Nothing wrong with splitting the bill or let's say you pay the first round of drinks I'll pay the 2nd round. I've paid before and happily, actually I've insisted. But one thing I don't like is sly behavior to make a girl pay. I've been going out with this guy who excuses himself to go to the restroom when the check comes. Or we'll be out at a small eatery or bar and he'll tell me to go order but needs to go to the restroom at that point. Sure he's taken me out but don't use those tactics to make me pay. I'd be happy to pay if you're just honest with me about your financial situation or just discuss what you expect from your girlfriend. Also, if he's asking me to go out on a date then he should be ready and happy to pay unless I suggested that we go somewhere. We had split up for a while and then he recently asks me to get back with him and asks me on a date and then pulls that same behavior on that date by telling me to go order while he had to go to the restroom. So I just waited for him, and when he comes back I said line was too long to place order and do we order and pay later or do we pay now. He says just order and goes stands in the back and I motion him over and say well if you pay now then go ahead and order. He goes well if you were waiting for me to pay then should have just said so and I said if you wanted me to pay then you should have just said so. He kept quiet and then I lost my appetite so told him I'm not hungry anymore so just order for yourself and I went and sat down. This kind of behavior has so put me off him considering he's asking me to date him again and asks me out and then expects me to pay. It was a hole in the wall place anyway, like gimme a break. I would have paid happily on the next date or next time had he not done this sly move, so not interested in him now. If you can't afford to date and can't communicate about your issues or expectations then don't ask a girl out!
here is a funny joke I saw about bartering and paying for dinner, http://ponderingstuff.com/2011/07/03/bartering-as-the-new-method-of-exchange-for-goods-and-services/
I always like to offer to pay on the first date so the guy won't think I'm just looking for a free meal. However, if the guy accepts my offer (and it's happened once), there will not be a second date.
I think Molly is exactly right. Why are you offering if it is a pass/fail test for him? Don't play games. As a man, if a woman offers to pay then I think she feels strongly about taking care of herself and being independent. My thinking was, I wouldn't want to offend her by insisting I pay. Ultimately that's probably for the best, since I wouldn't want to keep seeing a woman who plays games from the beginning. As Molly says, I'm not a mind reader.
How do I feel about who should pay? It depends on the situation: who asked out who, who picked the restaurant, how expensive is the bill, how long have you been seeing each other.
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