What's Wrong With Separate Bedrooms?

A couple of weeks ago I ruined an almost-date.  I was standing in line waiting to go into an event when a guy standing behind me, struck up a conversation.  We chatted for quite awhile and eventually got around to his divorce.  I don't recall the details but I do recall his look of horror when I said something about wanting separate bedrooms if I ever got married.  He thought that was a terrible idea.  I was pretty sure he was going to ask he out before I said that, but he didn't.  I'm not sure if my separate bedrooms idea is the reason he didn't ask me out, but I have learned that talking about the appeal of separate bedrooms can elicit some pretty strong reactions.  Maybe I should have waited.

Anyway, that scenario reminded me of a few years ago, when a guy I was dating brought up the subject of marriage.  I kind of had a panic attack which I blamed on feeling like I was catching the flu.  Once I calmed down (and was safely home), I called my friend, Benilde.  As we talked, I tried to envision what it might be like to be married to him and I remember saying to her, “at the very least, we would have to have separate bedrooms” (and I’m thinking to myself “maybe even on separate floors”.)    I would really need to have my own space. Lots of it.

Benilde was very much against that, telling me that sharing a bed was one of the most intimate parts of marriage…not in a sexual way, but in a pillow talk kind of way.  She said “Some of a couple’s most important conversations happen in bed.  You can’t sleep in separate rooms.”  So I thought “Eff it, then."  That was the only way this was going to happen.   I wasn’t giving the marriage  serious consideration anyway, but that little chat shut it all the way down.

Shortly after that, Oprah had a show with a perfectly lovely couple in their 30s (I’m guessing) who announced that they have a happy marriage…and separate bedrooms.  They have hidden this from most people because they didn’t want to be judged. People assume that if a couple is sleeping in separate rooms that there’s no sex and no joy.  For them, it is quite the opposite and they finally wanted to “come out of the closet” about their sleeping arrangements.  They are sure that having separate bedrooms has helped them  maintain a strong marriage.  I totally get that. 

Dr Phil, who was guesting on the show, was squarely in the Benilde camp.  He was sure that separate bedrooms are not a  good idea, for reasons similar to Benilde's.  Apparently not everybody agrees, though, because 1 in 4 U.S. couples have separate bedrooms.

And dig this:   60% of the new houses that are being built have two master bedrooms.  That means lots of married people are acknowledging (and acting on) what I've known for a long time: maybe separate bedrooms is just what some relationships need.    No restless nights because one partner snores, no fighting over the temperature in the room or whether there should be a TV in the bedroom (or whether it should be on while I'm trying to sleep).  And who cares if you throw your clothes on the floor because they're not on my floor.  And, really, isn't it just nice to have a room of one's own?

Fortunately, when my guy brought up marriage it dawned on me rather quickly that separate bedrooms wasn’t really what I would have needed…separate houses was more like it.  And I guess that would be a whole 'nother kind of problem.

What do you think of separate bedrooms for a couple?  Help –or- Hurt?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

What Should a 20-Something Woman Know?

Last week, I was interviewed by a dynamic young woman, Julie Miller, who has a blog targeted to women in their 20s, called Life2PointOh.  

She asked me what advice I would give to 20-something year old women who are contemplating marriage and kids…or not.  Here's the interview:

Life2PointOh: When you were in your 20s, what were your thoughts on marriage for yourself?

Eleanore Wells: I recall being very confused because, while I loved having a boyfriend, the concept of “the rest of my life” was one I couldn’t grasp, and I was a little embarrassed because I seemed to be the only girl who felt that way.  Marriage seemed really hard and kind of boring to me then (and now).  I also felt that marriage would stifle me.  I have a strong, independent spirit and, back then (the 1970s), it seemed that women had to give up so much of themselves in order to have a “good” marriage.  (I think that has softened a bit nowadays).  In addition, I was drawn to guys who probably wouldn’t make great husbands.  Not necessarily bad boys, but I would date guys who were independent, spontaneous, exciting.  These are very fun qualities when dating, but probably don’t make for a very stable home life.  In my 20s, I don’t think I ever voiced out loud that I would never get married; it was more of a “gee, I dunno”.

Life2PointOh: What advice do you have for women in their 20s who don’t think they want to get married or have kids?

EW: I would say to remain open.  Marriage and kids are good things, though they’re not for everybody. You may change your mind…you may not.  I think it’s hard to be sure about many things in one’s 20s, and this is one of them.  Clearly, if you’re not absolutely sure you want to get married or have kids then you shouldn’t do it.  If you change your mind, you should be clear you’re doing it for the right reasons and not because of outside pressure. 

Life2PointOh: What advice do you have for single girls in their 20s who are worried they won’t find the right person to get married to?

EW: I’d say stop worrying.  It’s not attractive and it sometimes draws the wrong person to you.  Concentrate on what’s good about your life and stop focusing on what’s missing. Think about building a nice life for yourself: strong social relationships with good-hearted people, finding a career that you care about, indulging in hobbies/favorite pastimes. Living.  Figure out how to be happy.  Happy people often attract other happy people…and one of them might be the right guy.  Know that there are no guarantees in life:  marriage is no guarantee of fulfillment, and being single can be really good.  Get out there, meet guys, date…but without being desperate.  Have fun with it.  It might happen, it might not.  But you can burn a lot of daylight (so to speak) wasting time fretting about what you don’t have.  I’d say stop worrying about how to get a man and figure out how to get a life.  Then you’re good, either way.

Life2PointOh: What are the positives of never being married/having kids– in your opinion?

EW: For me, being single with no kids just feels right.  I love the feeling of being free and unencumbered.  My life is my own and I like not having to explain myself. I can do what I want. For example, I love to travel.  My boyfriend can come along if he wants, but he doesn’t get a say as to whether I go, which may not be true if I were married.  I can take risks without worrying about the impact on others.  In 1998, I quit my job at an ad agency and started working for myself.  I didn’t think about it for very long, had no real business plan, and no clients.  If I had a husband and/or kids, my behavior would have been irresponsible.  In my book, The Spinsterlicious Life, I have an entire chapter dedicated to what’s good about being single and childfree: some of them are important like the business example I just gave, some are silly and frivolous, like not having stretch marks.

Life2PointOh: What are the negatives of never being married/having kids — in your opinion?

EW: There are some negatives to not being married, though most of them can be overcome by a good boyfriend.  The combined income of a married couple can certainly increase some of life’s amenities.  There are also tax benefits.  It’s great to have someone to share the good and bad news of the day.  I need someone to move heavy things and carry big stuff.  I like having someone to drag to yet another wedding or any other event I feel I need an escort for.  As I mentioned, a boyfriend can fill most of these roles, so I don’t see a huge downside to not being married.  Kids…  I can’t [personally] think of any negatives to not having them.

Life2PointOh: What’s the big dating/relationship lesson you would want to share with 20-somethings right now?

EW: I think that when you’re young, you’re sometimes less sure of yourself, in general. However, an important lesson that I would hope any young woman receives—whether she decides to marry or not—is to build a nice life for yourself every step of the way, rather than spending time pining about what you don’t have. Have good friends and be a good friend, pursue things you find interesting, have hobbies or pastimes you enjoy, be close to people (or someone) in your family, learn to be smart about money, and stop using drugs and alcohol as an excuse for poor decisions or bad behavior.  Only date guys who respect you, and leave quickly when they show less than acceptable behavior.  A guy who treats you in a way that’s less than you deserve is telling you who he is and you should believe him.  No reason to hang in there hoping his behavior will change.  Hold your head up, be comfortable with yourself, and remind yourself that no one else can live your life for you…so make your own decisions.

So, dear reader: what would you add (or counterpoint)?  What advice would you give to a young woman in her 20s about marriage, kids…life?  What do you wish you had known then?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Dating? Try Not to Be Shallow

Dating, as we all know, can be tricky. There are so many unwritten rules and we aren't all reading from the same playbook so we don't even know what all the rules are.  Here's a rule that I think most people will agree with, even if we're not always capable of following it:  when "judging" a prospective date, look below the surface and try not to get too hung up on the outside packaging.  This is much easier said than done.  I write about this in my new book, The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree.


Excerpted from The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree.  Copyright 2011.  All rights reserved.

Lesson 10:  Try not to be shallow.
I would really like to say here that I’ve learned to always look past the outer surface and focus on the person within. Let’s just say I’m still working on this one.




The event that created Lesson 10

As a single woman in these modern times, of course I’ve done online dating. Lots of it.  It’s an opportunity to meet the widest range of men imaginable, go out with men I might not ever have met, try out some I might never have considered in ordinary circumstances, and a way to make sure I could have a date whenever I wanted.


Nowadays, most people who are doing online dating post a picture of themselves. All the matchmaking sites tell you that you get 10 times more “hits” if you post a picture. But in the early days, we didn’t do that. We more or less described ourselves in our profiles and took it from there. Internet dating was too new and it felt kind of creepy to post a picture for the whole world to see. One evening, I was contacted by what seemed like a very nice man. We chatted online for a couple of weeks, eventually talking just about every day; there was some real interest there and it seemed like there might be some potential for something interesting to happen.  We made plans to finally meet one Friday evening on the

It was the hottest day of the year. We decided to meet for dinner at a restaurant in my neighborhood.
As we talked about how we would recognize each other, we realized that we were both wearing fairly nondescript outfits: jeans and a white T-shirt.  Rather than change clothes, we tried to think of what we could do to make ourselves recognizable to a stranger in a crowded restaurant. He suggested I put a flower in my hair. My hair was really short so that wouldn’t work. I had the brilliant idea to tie a bright pink sweater around my neck. It was a pretty sweater but I felt a little foolish in 100 degree heat with a sweater.

When I got to the restaurant, I couldn’t really pick him out of the crowd because half the men in the place were wearing jeans and a T-shirt. He recognized me, though, by my sweater and approached me. In an instant, I started to feel like a real ass and wondered if I was really shallow. I’m afraid I was. He had neglected to tell me he was an albino.




I was confused: should I have expected him to mention that to me at some point during our weeks of conversation?  Should it have mattered?   I was annoyed at myself for feeling this way and I was annoyed at him for leaving out this detail.  Plus, why was I walking around in the scorching heat with a sweater?   During the “how will we recognize each other” phase of our conversation, he could have easily said “I’ll be the albino at the bar.”   We had a pleasant enough dinner, but I wasn't that interested.  We didn’t go out again.

Then, this story started to take on a life of its own. The first few people I told this story to agreed they would probably have reacted the same way I did.  I felt like a real heel, though, after talking to my friend, Pat. She thought I was disgustingly small-minded and that I was just plain wrong. How dare I think he should have told me ahead of time, and how dare I have the audacity to lose interest over something like this in a man I originally found (somewhat) interesting. 

The first part of the statement was the most intriguing. How much information -–and what kind—do you owe your blind date? Should he have been expected to tell me of his albinism?  What are the parameters?




I quickly learned that this is a great question to pose at a dinner party because it always generates lively discussion with a range of responses.  Albinism is not a disease; it doesn’t affect a person’s health or personality.  It doesn’t impact anything, in fact, except a person’s melanin level, so makes one look different from most of us.  But is that a valid reason for not going out with someone?  How should the albino treat it? Like it’s a fact of life and of no real consequence? Or should he “warn” the person he’s meeting? 


Oh, don’t give me that look; what would you have done? 

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update! 

Who's Going to Take Care of You When You're Old?

I think I drove a nice, but naive, woman a little crazy yesterday.  I hope I also gave her something to think about.  Here's what happened.  She and her kid sat beside me on a train to Long Island.  I made the mistake of saying her kid was cute.  The kid was cute --that wasn't the mistake-- but my comment opened the door to a much too long conversation that eventually led to me telling this woman I had no husband and no kids…and that I was ok with that.

Then this happened:

Lady:  Oh no!  Well, who's going to take care of you when you're old?

Me:  I don't know for sure.  Who's going to take care of you when you're old?

Lady:  Well, I have a husband and kids.  They'll take care of me.

Me:  How do you know that?

And my "How do you know that" question is when I think she wished she had just chosen a different seat.  I went on to lay out all the reasons she was no more secure in her old age than I am.  You see, life is really uncertain; there just aren't any guarantees.  It would be wonderful if every woman who had a husband and/or kids could be assured of a loving, cared-for old age.  Unfortunately, that's just not necessarily true.  I went on to explain to her:

A husband is no guarantee.

• Your husband could die before you do.  That happens, you know.  
• He could also be infirm at the same time you are, so he wouldn't be able to take care of you.  
• Your husband might not have the financial means to take care of you the way you need to be taken care of, so you could still end up in a sub-par nursing home.
• Your husband just might not be emotionally equipped to care for you.  Everybody doesn't have it in them to be a good caregiver.  
• You guys could get a divorce before old age hits.  Lots of people do.
• And, ya know what, your husband could also just turn out to be a jerk who doesn't want to be bothered.

Your kids are no guarantee, either

• Your kids may not have the financial means to take care of you.  They may have their own kids (or other issues) they need to take care of and can't afford to do both.
• They may live far away and can't to be there for you all the time.
• Your kids may not have the emotional strength to give you the care you need while they manage their own lives.  Caregiving is extremely stressful.
• We don't know what life will bring our way; you could outlive your kids.  Then what?
• Unfortunately, parents and kids don't always have good relationships.  Your  kids just might not like you enough.  Sadly, that happens sometimes. 
• Nursing homes all over this country are filled with people not being visited by their kids, right?  

And I could just get hit by a bus. Killed suddenly, not requiring anybody to take care of me.

Statistically, I imagine a woman has a greater chance of being well-taken care of in her old age if she is a wife and/or mother, but statistics have nothing to do with any individual situation.  My friend's elderly aunt --a dynamic spinster lady-- recently had a "good, peaceful death."  She had no husband or kids, but was lovingly cared for in the last weeks of her life by family friends who loved her.  

That's all we really need.  Someone who loves us and is willing and able to care of us.  

This poor woman, my seatmate, eventually stopped trying to "counterpoint" me.   I made sure to keep my tone lighthearted and friendly so my commentary didn't come across as hostile and she wouldn't think I was a nut.  I'm not sure I accomplished the latter, though.  I think she did think I was seriously odd because her final comment to me was "I just don't know what kind of woman wouldn't want a husband and kids."  She got off the train before I could answer that one.   I'm not down on husbands and kids; I know they can be really great…but not always.

 I'm thinking that if she ever sees me on the train again, she'll probably choose another seat.  I, on the other hand, thought our exchange was fun…in a perverse kind of way.  Like I said, maybe I gave her something to think about.

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!

What I Learned From My Awesome Book Launch Party

The  launch party for my new book,  The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree was held last Thursday in New York City.  It was wonderful in every way: beautiful venue, good food and drink,  and a really good vibe with 78 of my favorite people.  I was very happy.

Me, collecting my thoughts before the crowd arrives

A fab group of people

It was held at Blondie's Treehouse, a landscape and floral design shop.  I wanted a location that was different from your typical restaurant party room, and Sara Baerwald was kind enough to let me use her space.  What a nice lady.

Blondie's Treehouse

Blondie's Treehouse

My sister, Phyllis, came up from Washington, DC for the event, and we celebrated with a whole host of my neighbors, colleagues, and old and new friends.

The Wells girls

Fun crowd

Happily signing

Beauty shot  :-)

Sharing my story about my encounter with Hugh Jackman

I'm loving the feedback I'm getting about the book, and there are two comments in particular that make me especially happy, primarily because they were unexpected.  

• So many people have said  "I laughed out loud" while reading it, which is great because I didn't know I was so funny.  But more importantly, I'm happy to hear the book is funny because it takes some of the gravitas out of what can be a very heavy subject for lots of single women who are tired of explaining themselves.  A lighthearted approach to this should help to communicate that singledom shouldn't be a big deal, and  it paves the way for a friendlier dialogue.  

• I'm pleased at how many non-Spinsterlicious women (because they're married) are reading my book and enjoying it.  My targeted audience is single women but, as one woman pointed out, "the lessons are relevant for anyone trying to have a good life."  And really, that's kind of the whole point, isn't it?   A single woman --at her core-- really isn't necessarily any different from a married woman; it's really about what kind of life she's chosen to build for herself.  

It's been great hearing this kind of feedback.  And I'd love more.  For those of you who've read the book, please tell us:

• What was your favorite part?
• What did you not like?
• What surprised you?
• What made you laugh?

NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- has been published and is available here and  here, and on Amazon.

 And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!