Chuck and I have been really good friends for 10+ years. Always platonic, we've seen each other through multiple relationships, jobs, the deaths of our parents, and thousands of parties, movies, meals and laughs. We spoke on the phone at least once a week and hung out almost as often. When Hannah and I became friends, she quickly became part of the team. We were a threesome. Of course we had other good friends, but the three of us were also our own thing.
So imagine my surprise (Hannah's too) when Chuck dumped us. He had a new girlfriend and, apparently, no longer needed us. It was interesting because he's had lots of new girlfriends through the years, but for some reason this one is different. We went from hanging out every week or two -to- well...never. Just like that.
When I was in high school, sometimes girls would drop their friends once they got a boyfriend. But that was high school...when we were still immature...before we understood that your friends shouldn't just be placeholders for until you found something better.
Hannah and I talked about this a lot because we were really surprised. Was this deliberate -or- was he so caught up in the excitement of this new love that he completely forgot about us? We figured he'd come to his senses in a few months. After a year went by, it finally dawned on us (we're a little slow) that this was real. Chuck was done with us. We spoke to him about this a few times foolishly thinking he'd "correct" his behavior. He didn't.
I'm really curious about this. I don't know another grown-up who has behaved this way. Sometimes when friends get married or have a kid they'll disappear for a short time while they adjust to their new circumstances, but it's always temporary. Who stops calling friends to say "how are you"? How hard is that?
Here's what I do know: he and girlfriend better be "happy ever after", because his insensitive butt cannot come crawling back here trying to pick up where we left off if he gets his feelings hurt.
Have y'all ever had this happen to you?
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11 comments:
I had something like that happen to me as a mature adult (mid 40's) by a friend I had grown up with and had known since we were 8 years old. When I was down she was there for me. Oh, but when I got ready to be married...things changed. Just like "Chuck" my friend dumped me. She didn't come to the wedding (first clue) No warning, no complaints, nothing. Of course I asked what I had done, I offered an apology, to no avail. I sent a greeting card, asking for forgiveness of something I had no clue about...I never got an answer to my "What happened" question. Then one day, I decided to look her up on Face Book, and I found her page and I left a message, that said, I just stopped by to say "hello" I think of you often. And I left it at that. If she answered ok, if not, ok. She did reply and it was as if everything was hunky-dory, like nothing had ever happened. She said she was so glad that I looked her up. And to let by-gones be by-gones and we go way back to let anything (whatever that is) break up our friendship. Well, I fell for that one hook, line, & sinker...because even though I gave her my phone number and email so we could stay in touch and catch up on old times, she has yet to call me. Oh, b-t-w, she never gave me her number. She has only briefly sent messages to me via Face Book. Nothing more. So in my opinion, she really doesn't want to be in contact, touch, or even truthfully be friends. And to this day I don't know why
I have had something like that happen to me, although my ex-friend didn't dump me for a guy. For years, we would see each other almost every week, if not multiple times. Coffee on Saturdays, dinner and drinks after work during the week, hanging out at each other's homes ... Then one day, she stopped replying to emails. I haven't heard from her in a year. Just like that the friendship was over and I have no idea what happened. I was also slow about realizing it and thought I'd get a card on my birthday as usually, but nothing and I have no idea what happened. I can understand a fight ending a friendship or a gradual drifting apart, but extreme suddenness feels unnatural to me. It still hurts.
I'm sorry, I lost a friend a few months like this and even though it's a friend, I felt like I was sad and "breaking up" almost with someone. :-(
Keep your chin up :-)
I think she might have something to do with it. Some women are really insecure and can't handle their male friends have genuine girl friends. That is too bad.
I had a friend who did that to me once her boyfriend came into the picture. We were friends since grade 7 and she let it go to waste over a man. She came back, like nothing happened, about 2 years later. I had to cut her off. I refuse to have toxic relationships like this in my life.
Maybe the girlfriend gave him an ultimatum. Some girls are really jealous of guys who have girl friends and can't believe there isn't anything in it.
@Rhona and AllegrinaF: I think you might be on to something in saying the GF may have had something to do with it. If so, I do wish he'd have been big enough to say that, though.
Chuck is getting sex, intimacy and friendship from GF, as well as a big boost to his ego. I'm sure GF took one look at your picture and threw a hissy fit. Chuck made a decision, but the right thing to do would have been to call you and explain things.
I used to have an acquaintance named Debbie. Debbie caught her skinny husband cheating. Debbie decided to lean on me for moral support. I felt that Debbie was a decent sort so I invested about 2 years into the friendship shoring Debbie up while she divorced the fornicator. The friendship went along well until one day I hadn't heard from Debbie, right after I did her a big favor of watching her ill-behaved kid for a day.
I called Debbie and she said exactly this, "Everything is okay now, I have a new man in my life." I never heard from her again.(Do you get the feeling I'm still pissed off about it?)
This has happened to me several times. I have a lot of male friends that I grew up with and most of the time, when they would get a GF that was not happy with them having a female friend, I would get "dumped". Then, if they broke up or GF was out of town, I would get a call to go hang out. But sure enough, when I would ask what was up, the guy would explain, "My GF just doesn't think it's right that I hang out with you." I always felt slighted but then understanding of the situation. I just wouldn't allow them to lie about it. If she didn't want me around, then do not sneak in a lunch here or a happy hour there - then it looks wrong.
It amazes me that supposedly grownups can't "allow" their significant other to be friends with others. It's not the friendship that suffers, it's the relationship that is built on a shaky foundation of trust.
I, for one, like it if my BF has female friends. I think girls and guys should be able to hangout and learn from each other. Some of my good friends are girls I have met through my relationships.
I'm in my 50s, divorced for 4 years. I became very good friends with a gal a few years younger than I am who divorced a few years before I did. We really clicked (honestly, it's almost like we are an old married couple, finishing each other's sentences and bursting out laughing when we catch a glance and know exactly what the other is thinking). I knew that she had been very interested in this man that popped up last year, but I knew that things would change if they ever started dating, but was unprepared for what has happened in the last few weeks. Especially since it was no more than a month ago that she was really upset that another friend had no time for her since she'd gotten a boyfriend! Communication has almost stopped and it really hurts.
My marriage ended after my husband had an affair with a good friend of mine . . . at least I thought she was my good friend. I thought I could trust this new friend, but once again, I feel betrayed. I'm glad that she is finding happiness in a relationship with a man and I realized that things would not be exactly as they were, but this was more than I bargained for.
Sorry this is so long, but I need to get this off my chest and can't tell anyone else, because this relationship they are having is on the QT right now.
Does this whole thing seem as wrong to anyone else as it does to me? This just doesn't seem like what I think friendship is all about. Of course, I am naive, or I might not have trusted the friend who betrayed me with my husband and wouldn't have trusted him either!
@Anonymous: Both are wrong. Very wrong. The situation with your friend and your husband had to be devastating.
I'm baffled by people who "leave" a good friend because they've found what may or may not become a Significant Other. It seems childish to me.
In both situations, I can see how one could question the nature of both friendships and whether it was truly mutual. I'm sorry they both happened to you
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