Over the years, I've learned that unhappily married women are often the least patient with and least supportive of their single friends. Since things aren't all sunshine and flowers in their lives, one would think they'd be more understanding...but, no.
A woman in a happy marriage usually isn't so quick to put you down or to judge because she knows that she is fortunate that she and her husband have figured it out. She knows relationships can be tough and she's not going to try to make you feel bad because you're being challenged right now.
Liz's behavior was the opposite of what it should be. Unhappy Wife could have offered some words of advice on different ways to think about the relationship, given the situation and given the uneven-ness in relationships that she has, no doubt, experienced. But no, instead, she was determined to rain on Jean's parade...even if it wasn't much of a parade. And I don't think she's being that good of a friend. A good friend would handle it differently...be a little softer...perhaps encourage Jean to talk more and think differently. Liz actually might be right, but her delivery was all wrong.
Then, last night I was sharing this story with a friend. He agreed with me up to a point: his point was that it isn't necessarily the Unhappily Married who are less likely to be supportive, but that it's the Unhappy Person, period. I conceded that he was right. No need to turn this into a Married-vs. Single thing, huh? It's the "I'm feeling like a bitch" person we want to avoid.
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5 comments:
how easy it is to diagnose others. This reminded me that I am frequently harsh in judging situations with friends. Thank you, Eleanore, for subtly reminding me that we all should be more mindful when offering critique or support to friends.
Your male friend nailed the issue. Unhappiness with one's own life provokes those responses.
It bears repeating that giving goodness one is likely to reap the same.
Thank you for this instruction. I am going to be so much more careful in offering comments to others.
I have to agree with your friend. While reading your post I was thinking that it is unhappy people period. I have a friend who is going through the tail end of a divorce and honestly, she cannot be happy for anyone who is happy right now. She is really disgruntled and borderline mean at times when referring to people who are not unhappy or seemingly have it all. It is really annoying and exhausting being around her sometimes especially when she is at her worst.
Yeah, one thing I try to remind myself is that the person who's being a bitch is often reacting to her own stuff more than mine. (Tough to remember in-the-moment, though)
I just recently ditched a close friend because of this behavior. She crows constantly about "how happy" her and her husband are, and constantly puts down and critiques everyone around her and their relationships. She has herself convinced that she is better at deciding what and who should make her friends happy than they themselves are, and she is a total bitch about it, to the point of screaming arguments when you tell her she is crossing the line. Ridiculous. I finally had enough and told her that i was no longer going to allow her to bring her special brand of negativity into my life, and she stopped talking to me. I guess if she can't bring people down, her life isn't that fulfilling.
On a side not, I just found your blog and I love it. As a happily single 39 year old, who has never been sure she wanted to be married, and always sure she'd rather be an aunt than a mom, it's a breath of fresh air. I am sooo tired of the well meaning people who ask me 'when is it your turn?", and "I want to plan your wedding!' ( I work at a banquet hall ). Even though i tell them I am not that interested in that life, they look at me sympathetically like I must just be putting on a brave face, because no woman would NOT want to be married and have kids, right? sheesh. Of course, when i get to do things they can't because of their at home responsibilities, I get the "must be nice", to which I respond with a big smile and a "yup, sure is!" lol
- Serenity
I have that bitchy friend, who just happens to be my sister. It emotionally drains the heck out of me. And when that happens, I just say I'm done for today and leave. I avoid her for a few days, and by then she is usually better. But the problem is, she doesn't realize she's a bi***y friend. Nor does she realize that she hurts people. Then she wonders why people are mad at her. I've tried talking to her, explaining it to her, but she still doesn't get it. She's unhappy, I know this and that's why I semi justify her. But she over does it some days. And she ends up being a total witch to people who don't deserve her crap. Wish I knew what to do to make her happy. But only she can figure that out.
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