Within the past month, I received emails from two different women who were concerned (well, one was actually beside herself) that a man they had recently met had not called them after they slept together. Both were wondering what to do and I had a lively discussion with one over the phone, later, over whether it was the "sex too soon" thing or something else that sent him away. There's no way to really know, but I promised to re-run the chart below, which I think is a pretty interesting (albeit a little on the safe side) way to think about this kind of thing. I'm told it's been helpful to a few readers.
I am a little amused that we are all still discussing when to have sex with a new guy. I originally wrote this after a long conversation with a good friend who was near tears because the man she slept with a couple of weeks ago has not called since. Yep, at this age we’re still having this conversation.
I have this conversation quite a bit and for some reason, I’m usually the one giving the advice. I say “for some reason,” but I actually know the reason: I’ve been single all my life, am good at dating, and I feel like I’ve got this aspect of dating all figured out. There are other parts of dating life that I don’t always get—like the way men want you to need them but don’t want you to be needy—but this one I do. So I’m going to take this opportunity to share with the many single women out there what I know about how to make the decision to roll around naked with the New Guy for the first time.
That’s right. A decision tree, for this not-usually-rational decision. When you have to make an important decision at work, you generally think about it ahead of time and seriously weigh the different outcomes. You don’t decide at the last minute. This decision should be no different.
Here’s a scenario. You’re at a bar/party/conference/car wash/restaurant…wherever. You and “Scott” strike up a conversation and seem to hit it off. There’s lots of laughing, flirting, and witty conversation. At some point it becomes clear to both of you that you may want to dial things up a bit, either right now or very soon.
The “sex too soon” thing is something that only women grapple with. I’ve never heard a guy wonder how “when to have sex” will impact the relationship-that-is-yet-to-be. But the world’s not fair—we already know that. Follow my advice, though, and it should help you avoid getting your feelings hurt.
The thought process is not a straight line, though. It’s more of a schematic. So pay attention, and be honest with yourself.
The first thing to ask yourself is: “What do I want from this guy?” (Caution: if you’re feeling really lonely, you probably should skip this exercise completely. Sex-because-you’re-lonely will probably make you feel even lonelier afterwards).
Once you decide what you want, you can decide your next course of action.
This is by no means foolproof. But I think it’s a pretty reasonable facsimile of the way things shake out much of the time. Go ahead and do your thing . . . and let me know if it works for you.
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9 comments:
Ha! Love it.
Love the chart!
I'm not sure I really believe in the idea that if you wait you're more likely to have a real relationship. Sure, some guys won't date a girl they hook up with on the first date, but do you really want those guys anyway? I agree that it's probably a good rule of thumb, but as several of my longest relationships started after very early hookups I don't really feel compelled to follow it.
If you think it's too soon, then it's too soon. If you question how he'll feel about you tomorrow morning, then it's too soon.
There really is no hard and fast rule for this sort of thing. If you don't feel 100% with no doubt in your mind that you want to have sex with him, then it's too soon.
When it's the right time to take it to that level then you'll know. And you won't have to call your friends up to ask them if it's too soon, you'll be calling them afterwards to tell them how great the guy is and how great the sex was.
That's what I would tell my friends.
I have to be honest, now that I'm 50, this doesn't matter nearly as much as it used to! Maybe I should be taking something....but there must be a reason for going through the change..it's natures way of slowing you down. I know Suzanne Somers wants everyone to stay sexy forever, but really? No thanks!
I'm 58 and have 0 hormones. God I miss them. I loved sex. Now I never even think about it. It's sad.
what works for me is....no sex period! no problems in that capacity to worry or lament about. so freeing. I dont envy anyone who has to think about this crap. man, life is difficult enough.
I love the timing on this. I am a little over a year out of a very long term, serious relationship and want to start dating again. That means the possibility of sex - for the first time in over five years (we stopped having sex due to relationship issues). I hope this man isn't going to be the last one I have sex with, but I am early 60s and have zero physical desire at this point. Hoping it will come back (or I can take something) but this question? Wow, hadn't thought of all the ramifications of this, I guess - it's been so darned long.
"Sad" not to think about sex? Nah! It's a relief. It unburdens you of all this grief. Just ask Rhona.
When I re-entered the dating scene, pushing 40, it blew me away (in a bad way) how many middle-aged males still behave like pubescent schoolboys high-fiving themselves every time they got laid. Then, I figured, they can. They get to do that, thanks to that big ol' free bordello called the internet. Why commit?
Of course, women are more complicated, burdened by these things called "emotions". So I think women of ALL ages who are sexually active do need to think longer and harder about questions like "when". While it sounds conservative, I think it's wise to perhaps revert back to rules for ourselves, such as "not until at least 5 dates". I have a friend who swears by a 7-date rule, despite being a former card-carrying nympho. She's in a long-term relationship now. Consider this - if he thinks you're worth waiting for, he'll wait. That is the ONLY THING you can be sure of.
I have never ONCE gained by jumping too early into bed with men. Not once in 45 years. It has torn me apart at times, and made me bitter about men often (which really endears you to them NOT). When I came to some acceptance of the fact men just don't see me as "long term material", I changed the game. I decided that when I did want company, I'd decide what kind. Just sex? Then how easy is it to get that? Pick and choose.
Feel like going out? A little romance? Then treat it like a one-off - expect nothing. The only scenario where I suffer is where I really believe this thing has the whiff of longevity and he led me to believe the same. Then, suddenly, no calls. You can't always be blamed for believing the lies they tell. But we definitely all need to change our games in the age of online dating, IMHO.
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