Short Stint As An Advice Columnist

 Ms. Ann Landers, the Queen of All Advice Columnists

I am not related to Ann Landers, but for some reason, I am often asked by young women for my advice on life and love.  It's flattering because it means that they admire something I've done and think I must know what I'm talking about.   Most of them are 15+ years younger than I am and I would think they'd see my advice as "old lady advice", but they don't.   When I was a young woman, it would never have occurred to me to ask a much-older woman for her advice on men or career.  I think I would have thought times had changed too much and her thinking would be old-fashioned. 

It's nice to be asked and in the past month or so, I've found myself happily sharing my opinions with some young 'uns who wanted to know my thoughts.  I say "happily" because I usually have an opinion on most things, but people don't always want to know what it is.  In these three cases, they all wanted advice on having, as G called it: "a life that doesn't suck".  Two of them were specific: marriage or not?  This is clearly a sign of the times because, since the dawn of (wo)man, marriage was usually just assumed (not by me, but by most people).  

I take these conversations seriously because I don't want one of these young women to end up with a life that does suck and it's my fault, so I try really hard to share lessons from my own life but to also weave in my observations, what I've learned from other people, and stuff I've read or picked up along the way.  I promised one of them that I'd write it all down so here it is!

• Marriage: I'm not anti-marriage.  It didn't feel right for me, but I think it's right for a lot of people.   I do think it's important to know why you want to do it.  If the need to do so is coming from anywhere other than your own heart, then you should re-think it.  Family pressures, societal rules, and/or a feeling that marriage will validate you are not good reasons and if you succumb to this you could end up really sad.  (However, if you're from a very rich family who might cut you out of the family fortune if you don't marry Clive, then go ahead and marry him...then call me and we'll figure out a different plan for you).   And while I don't think marriage is a necessity for everyone, I do think relationships are important.  It is good to have someone to share the joys and trials of your life with...whether he's there forever or just for the time-being.   This is probably the one thing I would have done differently: because I didn't want to get married, I never really bothered to learn how to be in a long-term relationship.  I was usually good with "love 'im and leave 'im".  Now I'm thinking the same guy for a long time would be nice.

• Babies: Pretty much the exact same advice as above.  Think hard about why you want one...or more than one.  I do think you should be in a solid relationship.  I also think you need to get over needing your own space because you won't get it.

• Dating across the color line: I mostly think you should go out with whomever you mesh with.  I usually encourage them to look beyond their "type".  Young black women, in particular, should be open to relationships that don't look like what they expected.  Basically, it's a numbers game.

• Life in general: Build the best life for yourself that you can.  That means find a job where you do something that you really enjoy or care about.  It's miserable spending 8+ hours a day doing something you don't like.  If you love travel, find a job where you'll travel or one that pays you enough so you can travel on your own.  In other words, learn enough about yourself to know what you enjoy and then put the pieces in place that can make that happen.  You probably shouldn't get married or have kids until you kinda know what these things are.  So, for example, if being near the ocean makes you feel complete, don't move to Oklahoma.  Look at a map and move somewhere where you're at least within a couple of hours reach of what you want.

• Have a great circle of good friends. They make all the difference.  But they have to really be friends.  Not Facebook friends.  Not fair-weather friends.  Not friends who hurt you under the guise of being honest (aka "frenemies").  Real friends...who you trust and whose company you genuinely enjoy.

One of the most important lessons I've learned is "we teach people how to treat us".  That means, if someone in your life repeatedly treats you poorly, it's because --in part-- you have accepted it.  Think about it.  This is not blaming the victim; it's about speaking up for yourself and not accepting treatment that's beneath you.  Easier said than done, I know...but more legal than homicide.


So I don't start to sound too too preachy, I'm going to quit now.  But if you have some wise words you want to share with a younger generation of women, please help me out.  Send in your thoughts (or correct me where I'm wrong!)



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