Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Can't Buy Me Love

Last week, I flew to L.A. to attend Essence Magazine's Black Women in Hollywood annual event.  It was amazing, inspiring, and a heckuva lot of fun.   Sitting behind me on the plane was a woman who talked much too loudly about the ridiculous relationship she was in. (Ridiculous is my word, not hers).

Girlie was going on and on about all the wonderful things her man has bought her through the years.  He is a Hollywood agent and apparently has the means to buy her lots of expensive things...things like jewelry, fancy clothes, her 35 pairs of Christian Louboutins, and her Mercedes Benz.  In fact, at that moment, she was returning to Los Angeles from a New York City shopping trip he'd financed (because I guess she needed more shoes).




I was starting to weary of this overheard conversation until she said something that made my ears perk up.  Girlie said "I'm not even sure what he did this time, but it must have been a doozy. I know I'll find out soon enough".   She went on to tell her friend that Mr. Hollywood Agent buys her "something wonderful" every time he Effs up (she said the real word).


Even though she wasn't talking to me, I was very confused.  Was she bragging?  She seemed to be bragging about this, proud even...and I kept waiting for her friend to tell her "that's ridiculous".  I even thought about leaning over my seat to tell her myself, but I then I thought better of it.  You never know who's crazy and it was too  long a flight to have a crazy person who's mad at me sitting behind me.  So I said nothing.  

It reminded me, though, of how I had once been in a similar situation.  Not similar in that my guy bought me stuff when he "effed up", but similar in that he used gifts as a proxy for his inadequacies.  The first few times he did it I was a little uncomfortable, and then it fairly quickly progressed to being offensive to me.

My guy didn't have Hollywood Agent money but he had quite a bit, and he used it to communicate the feelings he was unable to express.   Instead of hugs and compliments, I got things.  Really nice things because he had really good taste, but I could not make him understand why stuff is not an acceptable substitute for effective communication.

This was crazy.  I had to bounce.  He still thinks I'm nutty for leaving a man who liked to buy me things, and I'm sure Girlie would say the same thing...though I suspect that, deep down inside, she knows why it's wrong.


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7 comments:

Linda said...

Never crossed my mind to expect a gift for a thing like that; it would only make me angrier. The only thing I want is an honest conversation, and affection. Things are no substitute. Sad woman. Seems very close to prostitution to me.

Anonymous said...

About that lady in the plane - maybe she was dating a married guy who was having an affair with her ...... that would often be a reason for men to shower women with gifts .......

i0lan....

Cham said...

I'm left wondering, what is a Christian Loubiton? I suppose if I don't know I probably shouldn't be asking and perhaps should be relishing my place in the darkness.

Josie said...

Nice to be some people. . .or not. . .I'm sure Crazy Lady on the Plane couldn't be anymore thrilled than when my late husband used to send me flowers at work- for no particular reason. Worth 100 pairs of Loubitons. . .

Unknown said...

It's pathetic to hear women speak about the material things they have. I feel sad for them, really. I know someone like this, but the difference is, she doesn't wait for her husband to buy her things, she buys it first. She has the biggest house, the biggest rock on her finger and it goes on and on. Unfortunately deep down, I think she's very sad. All she talks about is what she has. By the way, she does not work nor does volunteer or do anything meaningful with her life. Women who allow themself to live this kind of life is really not living. They have zero awareness and zero depth. They don't value themselves as a person. Sad.

lauren said...

And we're sure the man was not her husband? Cuz when I was growing up I heard women talking about the jewelry they got after catching their husbands cheating, etc. The statements were made with some pride--ironically as sort of proof of what they wouldn't put up with. I thought that was the dark ages, however. Either way, its interesting how times haven't changed in some ways.

eleanore said...

I think I was most struck by her age. I had assumed she was a young 'un (20s) and that she would soon grow to know better. I was surprised to see that she appeared to be 35-40...which I thought was too bad. I would have hoped she'd be smarter by now.