A married friend of mine sent me this article about a new marketing demographic called PANKs - Professional Aunts, No Kids. PANKs are single women without kids who spend lots of time with and money on (more importantly) other people's kids. They shower love, attention, and gifts on the kids of their family and friends…and then send them home. The send-them-home part is mine. I added that because I'm not sure I entirely get it, so I'm trying to make it more palatable.
Oh, I get it intellectually. I have a few single friends who are PANKs. Part of me wants to be more like them. Actually, I don't want to be more like them…I just wish I wanted to. They love other people's kids. And they don't just love them, they nurture them, groom them, hang out with them.
I'll call these PANKs friends to get together for something fun and they can't because they're taking somebody's kids to the movies, out to lunch, having them over for the weekend...or some other questionable use of their time. It does seem to bring them a lot of joy.
And my Professional Auntie friends aren't alone. There are lots of actual and would-be PANKs out there. According to a 2010 study by the Pew Institute, one-in-five American women now ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s. So smart marketers have determined that these women are ripe for being enticed to buy products and services for their nieces and nephews, the real ones and the ones in their hearts.
Please don't misunderstand me. I love my friends' kids, too. I'm always happy to see them and love chatting with them to hear what they've been up to, and learning some newfangled something from them that only kids understand...but that's pretty much where it ends. I've always known I didn't want kids of my own but I used to think I'd be the kind of cool auntie (a PANK) that would have other people's kids over for pajama parties on the weekend, expose them to cultural events, and just sort of hang out with them and talk about things they didn't want to discuss with their parents. It turns out I am not that person.
What I finally came to realize is that the same reason I didn't want my own kids is the reason I don't want to spend too much time with other people's kids.
Hooray for all the PANKs out there. Are you one? Or are you more sane, like me! :-o
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19 comments:
You know, I never had kids. I do love my niece, but I am not super crazy about pouring all I have into her. Is that wrong? LOL
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I would qualify myself as a full on PANK. Mostly for my nieces and nephews (6, a manageable #) and to some degree for my 2 Godchildren, who are the children of dear, dear friends. You don't mention the full expectation of nursing home visits in my old age. And I'm only half kidding.
@Kathryn H: I feel ya. I do think about that. I'm hoping they'll look out for me in my old age because Auntie E is just so...well, charming.
LOL I love the stuff you write about. I adore my nieces and nephews, but the extent of my "hang out" time with them is when I'm with the rest of my family (holidays and such). I'm their most hands-off aunt, although - oddly enough - the favorite. Not sure how I've managed that, but it works for me ;)
Funny, just this week I was sent a link to a similar article about how us empty childless women can still give our God-given nurturing skills a good workout by being amazing aunts. Just when I was thinking, "Yes but why MUST I nurture things just because I'm female? Why must I feel empty, when actually, I don't?" I read the footnote advertising the author's latest book on - you guessed it - being a good aunt. I'm not about to give it another plug here. I'm just glad somebody other than me is smart enough to identify this as nothing but another marketing movement in the making.
With no car, not much cash, and being 2 hours away, I honestly can't provide my nieces and nephew with much that their mum can't. I do whatever I can, like picking 3 of them up in my friend's car from an Arctic Monkeys gig at midnight on a Thursday and setting them up in my friend's house overnight. Is that enough? Really, to go overboard on this thing just smacks of desperation...
Let's just do a collective eye-roll on the PANKy movement and let things take their natural course.
Uh yeah I am with you, if I wanted kids, I would have had them, it's not that hard. I didn't even really like kids when I was one, and I don't like them now. My friends keep making me their kids godparents (all boys - like I'm supposed to spend my weekend watching sports?) Have you met me? Can't some of them at least be in the arts?
The one place where I see the difference are my 2 nieces and my nephew. Just because my sister and I are so different and they see me as their moral compass and maybe it is the genetic thing but I go out of my way to hang out with them. But I am also very happy to say, "See you next time!" But I am no PANK. I tell them I am saving my money for their bail.
-Jen
Sheality
I used to be a total PANK to my all my friends kids. I was a huge nurturer and supporter of my friends and I adored their children.
But I got burned out. I wanted to live my own life. I wish sometimes that I had that thing back where I could get super involved in other people's lives but it wasn't healthy for me.
Now I'm pretty hands off with other people's kids. I don't want them in my house and I don't really want to take care of them when I visit my friends. I'm there to see my friend, not to babysit for free.
I am hoping that I will like them more when they are teenagers.
Sometimes I think I want to be a "PANK," but then when I try I realize I'm in WAY over my head :) When I hang out with my married friends, our whole night revolves around their kids. I find myself just watching and "laughing" as they play with their kids the entire time. Sometimes it's kind of awkward, but it just reminds me of how much I don't want that.
Thanks for talking about those subjects that are "off limits"! :) Seriously, tho - if I wanted kids (familiar refrain here), I'd have had them. I don't really relate to kids, which some of my relatives have a hard time with (since I am very close to my dog - whatever point that is supposed to make). I do better when they are older and are less "kids" but by and large - they don't interest me. They don't DISinterest me, but they are not important in my life in any way. I used to think that was selfish of me, but that was society talking and not me. Now, I just accept who I am and don't consider that a bad thing - just who I am.
Historically, 10% of women don't have kids. I have always known I'd be in that 10%. I like being an auntie, but my 2 young nieces live an hour away. I see them about once a month, and it's fine. When they're older, we'll probably chat on the phone more. I don't babysit much. I will if my sister really needs me to, like the night she had tickets to a show and her babysit had strep.
I've read Unhitched: Love, Marriage, and Family Values from West Hollywood to Western China and also The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today. I got the statistic above from one of them. I've also read The Meaning of Wife: A Provocative Look at Women and Marriage in the Twenty-first Century. We Spinsterlicious women really do have to analyze and defend our decision to remain single. I like reading about the topic to see what others think.
I think I might be a mix. I like spending a limited amount of time with my niece and nephew and my little cousin but only now that they are older and are actually fun. In the past, I NEVER had them around me. I honestly cannot handle my friends kids though. It is so hard for me to act like I care. I like them and all but I can't be a pank to them. I dread big time when I know they will be around when I see my friends. I just can't handle it so I am only a part time and extremely limited pank. And, no kids for me thank you.
I am laughing so hard @Brooklyn's bail comment.
I am an only child, single with no kids. I've know since I was 13 that I didn't want kids. I am very happy not to be a PANK. My cousins have a whole country of kids and I am very happy with my childfree choice. Love kids, just don't want my life changed in that way.
Toni
What I want to know is, who's supporting, nuturing the devoted PANKs, aunties, and all the other clever names you can come up with? There's just a suggestion in all this child-adulation that the lives of women who've chosen a different path aren't as worthy or valuable, but the lives of the children and their parents are so much more precious. I mean, come on... I don't mean to be too grumpy, but let's spread some love to other people besides these self-regarding moms.
When my sisters started having kids, I thought I would be the "cool aunt" who did lots of cool stuff with them too, but the older they get, the more I realize I just don't care. I don't want to do all of the things I thought I would want to do with them. I love them because they're my nieces and nephews, but I just don't care for doing "kid stuff" with them.
Hell, I'm not even a PMOK (Professional Mom, One Kid).
Thank goodness! I'd been feeling weird coz friends I have without kids are all PANKS and like it that way. I'm no PANK. Yet, I like kids, I'm a teacher but I don't want to 'hang out' with them or borrow them.
Panks. Washed up women with little to no sexual market value.
I haven't ruled out kids of my own, and I don't have nieces and nephews yet, but I am still with you on not sharing the motivation behind the PANK concept. Maybe I'll feel differently when actual nieces arrive, but I think I am missing the thing that would drive me to spend lots of time with kids that I haven't produced myself. Maybe someday if they're my own kids' friends? Who knows.
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