Benilde was very much against that, telling me that sharing a bed was one of the most intimate parts of marriage…not in a sexual way, but in a pillow talk way. She said “Some of a couple’s most important conversations happen in bed. You can’t sleep in separate rooms”. So I thought “Eff it, then”. That was the only way this was going to happen. I wasn’t giving it serious consideration anyway, but that little chat shut it all the way down.
So, guess what. The other day, I’m watching Oprah and a perfectly lovely couple in their 30s (I’m guessing) announced that they have a happy marriage…and separate bedrooms. They have hidden this from most people because they didn’t want to be judged. People assume that if a couple is sleeping in separate rooms that there’s no sex and no joy. For them, it is quite the opposite and they finally wanted to “come out of the closet” about their sleeping arrangements. They are sure that having separate bedrooms has helped them maintain a strong marriage. I totally get that.
Dr Phil, who was guesting on the show, was squarely in the Benilde camp. He was sure this was not a good idea for similar reasons that Benilde was. Apparently not everybody agrees, though, because 1 in 4 U.S. couples have separate bedrooms.
And dig this: 60% of the new houses that are being built have two master bedrooms. That means lots of married people are acknowledging (and acting on) what I knew years ago. Fortunately, it dawned on me rather quickly that separate bedrooms wasn’t really what I have needed…separate houses was more like it.
What do you think of separate bedrooms for a couple? Help –or- Hurt?
8 comments:
seperate bedrooms is a bunch of new-age hokem. The couple on Dr. Phil is abnormal (though if it works for them, God bless them). Yes, people need their own space. When my wife (then girlfriend moved in to my home, I gave her one of the rooms in the house just for her to chill-out in. Of course we both began to spend lots of time in that room. We have been married 16 years and I have an office I retreat to. She often goes to the office and closes the door. That said, when she is away from home I do not sleep well and she tells me it is the same for her. I miss her in bed with me. Benilde is also correct that lots of business besides sex takes place in the bedroom and in the bed. And guess what? now that I have kids,I have to admit that I enjoy everyone piled in the room watching television or talking and laughing. People get married to be together. If you need to take seperate vacations and live in seperate quarters, perhaps you should not get married. My sense is that your marriage would not last long anyway.
I agree with anonymous, separate is not good for the marriage or relationship. Why have an union if you want to be separate. I think that it is perfectly fine if you want time away in another space to work, read, relax or just "me time", but that's it!! I'm really set in my way because I have lived alone for many years, however I still would not want to have separate rooms if I lived with someone. To go to bed each night together is really quite beautiful. You converse about the day and things that you need to discuss and you cuddle one another to sleep (after intimacy of course)...:-) NO SEPARATE FOR ME!!
Clearly I'm out-numbered on this one!
I would love to have separate rooms if I get married. I have lived with two different guys and I always felt crowded. I actually thought it would be wise to buy a duplex and we could live next to each other. But I realize that I'm in the minority. I just feel like people need their space. Now if there are children, then I would think differently, I think...
Oh well, to each, his/her own. Whatever works, as long as the couple agrees and are happy with the situation.
I would LOVE to have separate bedrooms. Hell, separate houses. Since my fiancée and I moved to separate living arrangements (for financial reasons), I haven't slept this well in 6 years.
I'm an introvert. He's an extrovert AND a morning person. I like waking up without someone chattering maniacally at me before I've gotten out of bed. Or before I've had my coffee. I love him dearly, but really. The blah blah blah has got to stop.
You're not alone. Didn't Kathryn Hepburn say something about living in two households? And Tim Burton and Helena Bohnam Carter are married and live next door to each other.
Different strokes for different folks.
Eleanore, while I can totally understand and appreciate where you are coming from as I, too, need my own space and lots of it...I don't think I would ever do the separate bedroom thing if I got married. Sleeping in the same bed with a partner and sharing those intimate moments and conversations is actually one of my favorite parts of being in a relationship...the few times I've actually had one. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if the topic of separate bedrooms was ever brought up, I think I would know that it was time for me to be moving on. That's just me though...I know each person is different. I'm a snuggler...always have been, always will be! ;)
..."why have a union if you want to be separate?" That is a very legitimate question. My girlfriend alluded to this recently and I immediately let her know that I didn't want us to have separate bedrooms. Simply put, I want a lover and a partner. I am not interested in a roommate. If she insisted on having separate bedrooms, I would want to understand why. Then I would want to explore ways that our differences could be worked out. I don't think that I could stand living with someone that I want to be next to and then can't. In that case, I would be happier living my myself.
@Miguel. The attraction for separate bedrooms comes from two places for me. One is practical. I'm a light sleeper and every sound and movement from my bedmate wakens me a bit. I love having the man I love lying next to me, but when I need a good night's sleep, I do best alone. It's tricky.
The other reason is more problematic. I think wanting separate bedrooms would also be a way for me to hold on to a piece of myself. Some would describe it as less than a 100% commitment...and there may be so e truth there.
Post a Comment