I think most people by now are aware of recent figures published by the U.S. Census and the Pew Institute about the growing number of singles in the U.S., so I won't belabor that point. Being single is "hot." Yet, when I hear a woman complain that she's miserable being single, I wonder what's really bugging her. Oh sure, like marriage, being single can be a challenge sometimes, but is it miserable? If everything else in your life is pretty good, I can't see how being single could be anything more than an occasional frustration.
But, ok, let's play along and pretend it really is the single thing that's got her so unhappy. Basically, if you have a sufficient number of robust relationships with others -- family, dear friends, friendly acquaintances -- being single can work out quite well. If you don't, being single can be lonely. Here's a few thoughts that should elevate a miserable single state to one that's a lot more livable:
Be Likeable. Being around people you enjoy and who enjoy you feels good. People should look forward to spending time with you. I know that one of the reasons I like my single status is because I have a great social life. I'm rarely lonely. I have an array of good friends and acquaintances and can usually find something to do and someone to do it with when I want. My married friends are as likely to include me as my single friends are because they like me and enjoy my company. I'm no Pollyanna or Suzy Sunshine; everybody doesn't like me, but enough people do, and that's all I need. That's all anybody needs.
Be Interesting. Contribute to the group. Don't be a drag to be around. And don't rely on others to entertain you. Everybody likes people who are smart, curious and have educated opinions -- emphasis on educated. Be quiet if you don't know what you're talking about. Interesting people are attractive people.
Be Yourself. Being comfortable with oneself is appealing to others. The first step to being yourself is knowing who you really are. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. People can sense when you're acting, even if they can't quite put their finger on it. It's not appealing. The real goal here is being comfortable in your own skin and being comfortable with others seeing you this way. No games... even if that's not your intention.
Be a Doer. As in, not a complainer. If you're miserable as a single person, there's probably something else in your life that you're not happy about as well. Figure out what it is and fix it.
NOTE: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree-- is available here and here, and on Amazon.
And if you like "Spinsterlicious" and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe "Via Email" in the box on the right. You'll receive an email when there's a new blog post. Or "Like" Spinsterlicious on Facebook. Just click the button at the top of this page. Or "Follow Me" on Twitter (button on the right). Whatever you do, don't miss a Spinsterlicious update!
12 comments:
I think this is excellent advice. I am newly single and am learning all of this as I go. There are times I am very lonely, but I realize that I'm not necessarily lonely for a MATE, I'm just wanting some company. So I'll go out by myself to a coffee shop and order a latte and read a book and people watch. Or I'll go to a movie. There are things I love to do like see live music, that right now I have to do alone because I don't have any friends who are into that like I am. Most of my friends are married and have a totally different lifestyle than I do now. That includes not staying out late to go see band in a bar. Ok, so next goal is to make some music-minded friends, which I am totally working on as we speak :-) So you learn as you go.... You have to create the life you want first and then if your goal is to find a mate, you are more likely to find that mate within that already wonderful life :-)
I think you hit the nail on the head with "occasionally frustrating". This is true. As a single female traveler, I often have to endure the annoyance of the single supplement charge or sometimes I just can't do certain things because I am alone! It's these moments when I curse singledom! But being single for pretty much my entire adult life, I can't say being single in and of itself is miserable.
@Michael Ann: Thanks for liking this. After I posted it, I wondered if it was too snarky. Anyway, I noticed the change in your status, so I hope it goes well.
Hey Eleanore, I would like to point out that the suggestions you make here apply to EVERYONE (including that married woman who is basically single due to Hubby's travel with work). Great advice.
Love the blog, keep on writing!
You always seem to articulate what I've been thinking the past week, and all of it excellent advice.
I'm starting to wonder whether eliminating desire and longing altogether would leave you happier too. In the past few weeks, the seemingly stable, carefree existence I'd enjoyed since my toyboy left 3 months back was shattered by the re-emergence of two men I've known in the past, both of whom I had a real "thing" for at some level. They are both attached but clearly dissatisfied, so you can see them toying, toying... basically toying with my libido and emotions, for sport. They keep in touch now just enough that they invade my thoughts, and that is not healthy. Their dissatisfaction has rubbed off. I would never go there with either while they're attached, so to even be in touch is pushing shit uphill.
So I made an effort this week to reconnect with some gay friends I've neglected after I moved over the Bridge, and it felt good. Relieved the symptoms, and we had a great time, watching 30 Rock reruns and laughing at old photos. You're right - nurturing those kinds of relationships, that last a lifetime, is much more important than wondering what coulda shoulda been with these chronically dissatisfied men. Now I'm going to give a certain friend of mine this same lecture tomorrow. Thanks, Eleanore!
Excellent post. Thank you!
Great advice for women, period. There are so many uninteresting married and single women. ~~shudder~~
I don't think that anyone who is single and having a hard time at it, necessarily has "issues." I don't believe that being "likeable", "interesting", "yourself", or a "doer" will make being single more tolerable, if you want to be married. You should have those traits regardless.
You can be all of these things and still long to be married or single. There is nothing wrong with being single or wanting to be married, and I think we need to be careful of making one seem better than the other, or who is better, single people vs. married people. It's just people's personal preferences, and that's okay. I have been married and single for almost the same amount of time, (over 10 years). There are advantages and disadvantages for both singles and married people, but regardless...if you are in one or the other without wanting to be, then it will make a difference, regardless of how "likable, interesting, being yourself, or a doer" etc. you may be. I would encourage everyone to focus on and take the advantage of the positives aspects of whatever state you are in as much as possible, until hopefully, the state you desire to be in comes.
Amen to the poster that stated you have to take advantage of the positives with either state... I ultimately would like to be with someone.. But in the meantime, I am trying to focus as much as possible on the benefits of being alone... Sleep and lack of dealing with snoring being at the top of the list! Ha! Eleanore: you rock as always!!!
Excellent advice in general! My friend's teenage daughter needs to read this! She thinks it's cute to be dumb and cannot keep herself occupied to save her life!
I don't think I could have said it any better.
This is the sort of stuff I tell my buddies who are single and having a hard time dealing.
Curious to know how much volunteer work the "miserable singles" committ to. Not like only singles should do so - we all should. Positive volunteering (of any kind - find something you genuinely like - in this economy soooo much is needed!)opens your is so incredibly rewarding it's actually rather selfish to do. Yet it flings opens the heart and spirit, creating an amazing circle of love. Hard to be bitter or "miserable" when that is occuring on a weekly basis! Besides which, if singledom is really your worst problem after experiencing some of the tremendous struggles (physical, mental, financial etc) others endure, well then congratulations -you've won the lotto!
Posted by a life-long single 43-year-old and lovin it Leo.
Post a Comment